Monday, May 26, 2014

What Do You See?


When you look at me, tell me what you see. Do you see the fine lines on my forehead getting deeper and more profound? Do you see the absence of nicely defined eyebrows? Do you see my droopy eyelids? Do you see my tired eyes hidden behind grey contact lenses? Do you see the little crows feet at the outer edges of my eyes? Do you see the eye bags that ages me ever so suddenly? Do you see the little sunspots that can no longer be passed off as freckles? Do you see the gaunt look on my face? Do you see how my lips are no longer full and luscious?

Or do you see the lines on my forehead as a result of years of worrying for others? Do you see how little attention I pay to applying make up on my face? Do you see my laugh lines? Do you see what night time crying does to these windows to my soul?

I've never been a woman who thinks of herself as beautiful. Thirty years ago, one man made me feel beautiful without even saying anything. It was never his words. It was always how he paid attention to every little thing I said. It was in the way he remembers every detail... Except for the part that he lit up my cigarette with a lighter and forgot that I smoke.

I wonder if anyone really truly sees me as who and what I genuinely am. I wonder if they see me through filters of their ideals, or a memory of something that never really happened. I guess I'm too often stuck in my own head that I find it surreal when really nice things happen to me in reality.

What do I see when I look in the mirror? I see lost youth. I see ageing. I see fatigue. I see anxiety. I see sadness. I see battle weariness. I see scars of forgotten fights. I see fresh wounds of abandonment that still bleeds. But I also see the sacrifices I've made for my loved ones. I don't see any regrets for that.

I see passion for my profession. I see the determination to leave a mark in the hearts of mankind before I leave this world. I see promises made and promises broken. I see hope. I see love. I see forgiveness. I see Him. Do you?

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