Sunday, May 4, 2014

My War and Piece of Mind

Yes, I'll be the first to admit that I am like an open book for most people. But I choose which page you see. And I'm not ashamed of my mental health issues. Neither am I ever ashamed of writing about my struggles with whatever obstacles God puts in front of me. My intention is never about being 'inspirational' or anything of that sort. I'm just the kind of person who sees what needs to be done, and if I can do it, I embrace the challenge wholeheartedly and hold nothing back. I'm the kind of person who's born a warrior of sort. The type that's always on a mission to either help a human or save humanity. And now that I no longer have any mission of any sort, I turn to another way of being useful: baking cakes and making chocolates.

All those in my inner circle as well as those who have been cordial and caring enough to communicate with me regularly know that I bake and make chocolates to manage my anxiety and major depression. The level of anxiety I experience can be measured by the difficulty level of the kitchen projects I take on. 

Several days ago, there was something really wrong with my precious MacBook Pro that required me backing up the whole of my hard drive and that took around 3 hours. And after that, I had to hard reset my device and reinstall Maverick and all data that I had backed up. That took almost 6 hours. And the way I coped with that high anxiety was by making eclairs which, to a novice like me, is Mount Everest.

Those who don't know me will see my food posts on Facebook as showing off. In all honesty, I post them to journal my journey battling my disorders. I may be a counseling psychologist but I am only human and not immune to any disease or disorder. I know, by comparison, my struggles are nothing next to those with bigger and more tragic battles. I don't know what lies ahead of me. All I know is that I need to prepare myself for whatever that comes.

We can't win a battle without knowledge, preparation and strategy. We can't solve a problem if we deny it's existence and have the willingness to do something about it. Only we can fight for ourselves. And only God will allow us the strength to carry through and grant us victory. And at the end of the day, we go home to Him. He gave us freedom of choice and free will. Let's use them wisely.

All I ever hope for is to be remembered as someone who tried to make a difference in life. I want to leave a legacy of sort: the kind that motivates people to do something about whatever that's stopping them from doing what makes them happy and feel significant. To feel purposeful. I want to be remembered as someone who fought inner battles and evil like a warrior of light. I want to be remembered as a kind hearted woman.

It's not that difficult to overcome these seemingly ghastly problems...what's hard is to decide to do it." - Robert Downey Jr.

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