Soliloquy in Solitude

I've made a conscious decision that I need rest. I need to recharge. I need to find the inner peace that I have lost through death and grief. I need to control my tears from flowing at will. I need to heal my broken heart. I need to piece together my spirit. Hamka said a person with many needs is indeed poor. I am.

The pain of loss is indescribable. The hurt of insensitive words of comfort is far more excruciating. "She's in a much better place." "We have to redha." "That's life." These words don't stop the pain in my heart. My tears still well up and rain down my face. I still have her number on my hand phone and am not ready to delete her. Don't think for a moment that I enjoy my grief! It hurts. It hurts. It hurts.

I am tired. I can't close my eyes without seeing her smiling face and hear her laughter. I can't dream without remembering the quiet moments of girl talks we often shared. We had so much in common. The love for music, art, dance, culture, beauty. She was indeed the best of us all. She was almost invisible during family gatherings because the obnoxious and crass relatives stole our attention from her. She was always smiling, non-judgmental, accepting, kind and soft-spoken. She was an angel and the radiance of her beautiful spirit blinded many of us from seeing her as who she really was. Her true purpose only became clear when her light died out. And now, in our darkness of despair and hurt, we see her legacy. Funny how appreciation can be squeezed out of a tomb stone.

Over the past few years, many tragedies and undue mishaps had taken place in my life and upon my own person. I've been taught never to question these so called tests. I accept Allah's will as it is. His will. I read somewhere that people will only change when they have no choice. That is true. Although Allah may have given mankind utter free will, we are still limited by our comfort zones and false beliefs about ourselves and what we think we can and cannot do. Man has walked on the moon. So, tell me why is it so difficult for me to make my heart stop missing Yati? Because the accident may have been a reason to end her life. But not enough to end my love for her.

Yati was indeed very fortunate to have a father who was very much involved in her life. He made sure she never needed for anything. It makes me smile to think that her funeral needs were very well organized and taken care of. The family home was huge enough to accommodate the throngs of people who came to say their final farewell to her. I can only dream of such endings. She was a beautiful angel. She deserved the best.

I count my blessings and utter constant prayer to my grandfather, Wan. Currently, he is struggling with many diseases that plague his frail body. His most precious asset is diminishing too, i.e; his mind. Dementia is indeed very cruel. No matter his condition today, I shall always see him as who he is to me. My 'grand' father. He stepped in and took over looking after the needs of my brothers and I simply because my own father wasn't able to. He may be considered a mean person by others but in my eyes, he is loving, caring and very protective of his loved ones. But you would have to be very close to him to know this soft side of him. He showed it to only a selected few. A father takes care of his family out of the sense of duty, responsibility and love. Wan took care of my brothers and I out of love and sincerity. We were never his responsibility. But he made us his. How can such a man be mean?

Oh, I agree that Wan is more than capable of slugging out a good punch in the gut without having to lift his arm or clench his fist. He's not one who minces his words. However, without his hurtful and challenging words to me, I don't think I'd be where I am today. I may not own much in terms of possessions or wealth. But what Wan taught me was more valuable. Integrity, being respectful and respectable, being charitable, being brave, being logical. There is a big difference between knowledge and wisdom. Same goes with regret and guilt. It's important not to confuse guilt with regret. Guilt results from doing something that we knew was wrong "at the time." Regret comes from later learning that we could have done something better. When we understand the difference between guilt and regret, we can move beyond blaming ourselves for what we didn't know or weren't able to do at the time.

Now, I need to recharge my spirit and focus on my uncle who is struggling to breath, just to continue to live. And although such is the condition he is in, he still has not lost his sense of humor. I have been blessed with so many angels and heroes in my life, may they come in forms of relations or friends, near or far. Only the good die young. I pray to Allah I will be spared from being left behind with the scums at the bottom of the barrel. Because without these insensitive and uncouth people, grief, pain, suffering or hurt would be bearable.

"Give sorrow words. The grief that does not speak whispers the o'er-fraught heart, and bids it break." - William Shakespeare

Blessings Through Time.

Wow!! Happy 45th birthday, Johana!! Yup. Those are the words I am forcing my brain to repeat ad nauseam. If I sound a tad ungrateful, let me explain why. These are not excuses. These are solid reasons.

Short of 25 days from my 43rd birthday, my soul brother, my beloved Mad, passed away suddenly to a heart attack. I grieved for more than a year. Yes. I loved him very much. Still do. Always will. He's still someone I trust. And recently, short of 5 days from my 45th birthday, my much loved cousin, Aizati Aishah Aziz passed away suddenly from an auto mishap. She was nothing less than an angel in our lives.... well, at least in mine. Although we didn't meet as often as we would've liked to, whenever we did, its like we were never apart. You know what I mean, right...? I haven't enough words to describe these two angels. Mad and Yat. My two angels. They were both Gemini. They were both taken too soon. They both were the kindest and gentlest souls I've ever had the honor of knowing. They both touched my life in such indescribable ways.

Today, as I greet my 45th year on earth, I can't help missing them both. I wish they were still around to keep my life rich and happy. But this life isn't just about me. Its about living. Its about loving. Its about giving. And I had these two angels to teach me how to do it right. Mad's death taught me how to live well and good. Yat's death taught me how to do it with gentle kindness and love.

I am lucky and blessed because I got to see 45. Truly, it is a privilege.

Touched by an Angel

As We Look Back

As we look back over time
We find ourselves wondering .....
Did we remember to thank you enough
For all you have done for us?
For all the times you were by our sides
To help and support us .....
To celebrate our successes
To understand our problems
And accept our defeats?
Or for teaching us by your example,
The value of hard work, good judgement,
Courage and integrity?
We wonder if we ever thanked you
For the sacrifices you made.
To let us have the very best?
And for the simple things
Like laughter, smiles and times we shared?
If we have forgotten to show our
Gratitude enough for all the things you did,
We're thanking you now.
And we are hoping you knew all along,
How much you meant to us.


I love you, Yati. See you soon.

Aizati Aishah Aziz Bt Abdul Ghani (1.6.1975 - 24.1.2010)
Al Fatihah.

Proof of Love

Action Speaks Louder Than Words. Lord knows how many times this phrase has been used, misused and abused. And, truly, no one is to be blamed for this. Not everyone expresses their emotions through spoken words. Some do better by acts of love.

Many expect their beloved to say "I love you" frequently. However, if you're a bottomless pit, no amount of romantic words will ever fill you up! There are also those who have specific currencies for love, or at least the value of love. Roses, chocolates, jewelry, romantic dinner dates, expensive trips. Like as if the value of love is attached to the price tags of these so called token of love. Cheh!

Now, I'm not gonna be a hypocrite and say I was never like these shallow people when I was much younger. Heck, when my husband forgot to buy me a Valentine card many years ago, I was so upset beyond apologies until he was forced to call my mom to help me calm down! See!? That's how foolishly shallow I was. Although my logic then was to amass these 'tokens of love' for me to pass down to my children and theirs. Shallow sentimentalist that I was.

However, after being in an authentically happy relationship for more than 20 years, I have grown up to learn that a dipper filled with water by my husband is as wonderful as "I love you" because of the thoughtfulness behind it. Acts of affection took place of words of love.

Can you love someone so much to the point of becoming arrogant enough to think that you know what's best for them? Do you love someone for yourself or for who they truly are? Selfish love versus selfless love.

Over the past few years, I have had the blessings of God to learn about unconditional love. It means to love someone for who they are and not for who you wanna change them to be. We all want unconditional love and acceptance. And yet we attach conditions and terms as to how we are to be loved and shown affection to? Ridiculous, isn't it?

I have learned to love so much to the point of letting them be who they are. Respect the difference and accept their truth. I have learned that love is not enough to bring about happiness. Everyone has the need to be free to be who they really are. Everyone has the right to be loved as who they truly are. Trying to change the other person without changing ourselves is utter egotism. That is not love.

I have also learned to love myself through acceptance and understanding from the significant others in my life They accept me as who and what I am without question. Curiosity yields understanding. Understanding produces acceptance without having the urge to change anything.

When someone does something for you that they've never done before for anyone else, that's love. Even when fatigue overcomes, they don't sigh. They keep smiling and still do it. Anything for love. That is indeed priceless. The recipient of such acts will be made to feel precious!

Proof of love can't be seen with the naked eye. It can only be felt by a sensible heart.


“It is easy to lay claim to love, But the proof of it remains otherwise." - Rumi

The True Definition of a Friend.

“A friend is someone who understands your past, believes in your future, and accepts you just the way you are.”

As time draws nearer to my 45th year, I find myself looking at what I have in my life. The people who played their roles in my life, significant or otherwise. The catalyst to this train of thought is actually the recent school reunion dinner I attended with many of my friends, some of whom I've known from the time I was just 6 years old. There were also other friends whom I had accumulated over the years through primary school, secondary school, college years, show biz and my (rather late) academic years in the university. Not forgetting, of course, those years in between the cracks, spent abroad.


But somehow, through thick and thin, through sick and sin, the two friends whom I trust my life with are Azlina (we became friends when we were just 6 years old) and Azuar (who was my classmate in Standard 6 and we were 12 years old then). Azlina, or rather Ina, was always the one with brains oozing out of her ears. Its not surprising that she's turned out to be one of the leading breast surgeon in our country and an activist championing breast cancer awareness programs. Azuar, or Wa as we all call her, is equally cranial. I mean, she's an engineer, for God's sake! And although I may have been the late bloomer between the three of us, they never questioned why I am the way I am. Even from before. Unconditional acceptance. They demonstrated this concept to me before I heard of Carl Rogers!

With Ina a.k.a Dr.Azlina Firzah Aziz.

I won't pretend things were always a bed of roses between us. We had our usual falling outs, falling in, keeping our distance and 'lets meet everyday and hang out' seasons. However, I do realize one thing throughout the years when we carried on with our own lives and keeping in touch with each other once in a while: no matter how many new 'friends' I make, they are truly just acquaintances. Nothing more than that. Proof? Whenever I open my mouth to share a problem with them, they clam up, drop the regular words of wisdom (or indifference) and then stay away from me like as if I have a bloody contagious disease! But I have no qualms about that. It just makes me love Ina and Wa a helluva lot more than ever!

With Wa a.k.a Azuar Anuar.

I read a quote on friendship that describes the three of us perfectly:
“Even though we've changed and we're all finding our own place in the world, we all know that when the tears fall or the smile spreads across our face, we'll come to each other because no matter where this crazy world takes us, nothing will ever change so much to the point where we're not all still friends.”

With Gail Ghouse, the telephone mouse! LOL!!

Last but not least, I wanna give a shout out to Gail Ghouse, my classmate since Standard 1. After school, we lost touch with each other when she moved to England to work and start a family there. Recently, she returned home after more than 20 years. And when she did, she found me again. And its like we were never apart. The love, care and concern my friends and I share and give to one another is utterly amazing! And because of these people in my life, even when I only have a few bucks left in my bank account, I feel like a bloody millionaire! God blessed me with friends with hearts of gold. Purely priceless!


“Life is partly what we make it, and partly what it is made by the friends we choose.” - by Tennessee Williams

The Dream That Was.

Walking up the entrance of the old house, memories of plans and dreams unfulfilled comes gushing through like a floodwater. Pictures of yesteryears pulled at my heartstrings, left me wondering if once upon a time, a long time ago, we were indeed happy and in love. I find myself nearing the end of the road. I can't go on anymore. Not another step. I've come to realize that I have been living in my idealistic mind. I believed myself to see things the way it should be rather than what it really was. And now, I grieve.

How did I come to this? Why couldn't I see things as what they were? Is it wrong to dream and strive to achieve the best I can attain in life and love? After all, my needs are simple. Love. A sense of security. To have someone to take care of me for a change. I am not one who would ask for a diamond ring for my finger, a silk carpet for the living room, a fancy car or expensive holidays. Is it so difficult to give me the things that I need? They don't cost a thing. But your currency of love expressions is the price tags on material things.

You've had your breaks. You've had your chance. You've been given your lot. And you made it clear that only you decide what to do with what is yours. And you did. Now look at the nothingness that's left in your life.

Whatever I have done and given goes unappreciated and ignored. Its never enough. Now, I have nothing left. I gave my everything. You may account your losses in terms of monetary possessions. I gave you my life.

Now I am ready to take it back. I reclaim my life as my own. I don't need anything from you anymore. Once upon a time, you were the perfect one for me. Somehow, along the way, a few years ago, you died. You are no longer you. You are a stranger to me. Someone I no longer recognize.

I may have about a quarter of my life span left. Let me live it the way I want it to be. I'm done doing things your way. I'm broken. I am broken. Let me have what's left of my life to put myself back together again. Who knows who I will become. Because I know, right now, I am no longer the me you knew. Have mercy on me. Let me go.

My Most Precious Ones.

Its 12:15 am and I'm still awake. I'm away from my babies and I miss them terribly. Its been a while since I last left them for more than an overnight's work trip. I should be resting. I should be focusing on healing my injured shoulder. I truly appreciate the warm hospitality of my hosts, for they treat me as one of their own. But as I close my eyes to allow sleep to overcome my consciousness, my heart aches for my children.

They have always been the most precious and significant souls in my life. Their births made me into a much better human being to begin with. Dear God! My stay away from them is just for three nights. How am I to find the courage to let them go when the time calls for me to set them free? I may be brave. But I am the first to admit that I am NOT the strong one.

To say that I am proud of them is really an understatement. My heart swells with loving pride even when they do the smallest things. They have a wonderful sense of humor, albeit a quirky one; they are intelligent and matured beyond their years, their empathy would shame many adults. Mind you, I'm not saying they are perfect human beings. There's no such a thing. But they are perfect for me.

Being away from them for just one night has made me realize something about myself. All these years, I was a woman carrying out the expectations, responsibilities and duties of a mother. But tonight I finally feel what being a mother truly is. Without my children, I find myself feeling incomplete.

I'm not sure exactly what I have done over the many years of bringing them up but now I know that I must have done something right. Because when I am crying at the end of a trying and tiring day, my daughters will be the ones who will be stroking my back, wiping the tears of my cheeks, gently coaxing me to rest and sleep, while softly ensuring me that I will feel a lot better in the morning. When I am overwhelmed with self-doubt, they point out my strengths and achievements. When I'm unsure of what to wear for an evening out, they will render their services as image consultants and wardrobe managers. They give me the will to push and improve myself so that their future will be brighter than yesterday.

I'll be the first to admit that although I do miss them as babies, I do not miss the sleepless nights, the nappy rashes, the potty training, the first day at school anxieties, the measles and mumps and whatever else that comes with child rearing. However, I know for sure that I will miss them when they go out into the world and need less and less of their mama.

But meanwhile, while they still want a hug from me, I will not be the one to end the hug first. I'll be the best mama I can be for as long as they need me. And when the time comes for them to venture out into the world, I will hope to have enough confidence to believe and trust that I have taught them well enough.

Precious Gift
by Sherri Lawrence

When times seem too hard to bear & I feel like giving up
I vision your beautiful face, the twinkle of your eyes and things of such
The bond we created from my womb to the day you were born
Is a mother and daughter bind that can never be torn
With the strength and guidance of God and the blessings he pours down from above
I want to be the best mom I can be to you and embrace you with all my love
You are as precious as a flower and as gorgeous as a rose
You have been specially made to the very tip of your nose
You are as sweet as honey; such an innocent young child
You are brighter than any star in the sky every time you smile
I want you to be proud of who you are and strive to be the best
Put forth your efforts to achieve your goals and let God do the rest
I will always be your mother first, but I'm also your friend
Your are the most precious gift, that I've ever been given

With All My Love,

Mommy

Jazelia and Jelissa, I love you both very much. Don't worry about making me proud of you. I already am.