Saturday, April 29, 2017

2017: First Quarter of Grief

Something I had not mentioned in my first post for this year is the losses I had suffered since the year began. On January 3rd, my much loved cousin whom everyone called Kak Long (Suhairah Wahiduddin) passed away much too young for her age; leaving her family, relatives and friends from far and wide, grieving. The impact of her unexpected death hit many of us so deeply.

On 20th January, my husband's uncle, Rahim, passed away in Port Dickson, during his morning nap. From the first time I was introduced to him, we had a connection. We would comfortably talk about faith, spirituality and sufism for countless hours. We shared the same interest and love for Allah. He had always mentioned how he looked forward to the day he would return to Allah. Therefore, when the news of his death reached me, I had a mixed feeling of happiness and grief. The day he had been looking forward to almost the whole of his life had finally arrived. But I had lost a father figure. He died during Friday prayers. Masya Allah!

Not long after, on February 1st 2017, someone I befriended exactly 10 years to that date, Syed Omar, passed away after years of fighting cancer. He was buried on a Thursday afternoon. His funeral was attended not only by his family but also royalties and dignitaries. Despite his designation and relations with the royal family, he remained humble and simple.

On the morning of February 24th, I woke up to a message from my friend Helen Yap, that our fellow musician/composer Johan Nawawi had passed away. His death was unexpected and sudden because he had not been unwell. In fact, last my husband and I met him was less than 2 months before and we had a chance to catch up on what's been happening in each others' lives. He died and was buried on a Friday. There were three congregations of prayers done for him on that day! Masya Allah! How he was so loved by everyone.

Despite having lost all these people whom I have known and had touched my life in some way or rather, I managed to keep to my work commitments. Although there were times when I wept in the privacy of my office, I kept ploughing through, managing my grief as best I could. But the last straw that broke this camel's back happened on Sunday, April 2nd at 8:50pm. My much loved kitten that was rescued from the rooftop of University Hospital in August last year and I adopted him and named him Bleu, was hit by a speeding car in front of our home! This was witnessed by my younger daughter and it traumatized her. She was inconsolable for a long time. We all grieved over Bleu's death. There was a pool of blood underneath his cute little head. His blood-filled eyes were open and black. His mouth was open. As I picked his body up from the ground, I felt the last of his breath leaving his little body. I cradled him in my arms and wailed. My chest felt as though something was brutally wrenched out of it. I grieved. I am still grieving. I think I will always grieve over Bleu.

I believe Bleu was an angel. He came into our lives and filled it with love. He was always gentle and considerate. There's not a soul that had met and known him that was not touched by his love. I pondered on why losing a pet hurt so much more than losing a human being. I have come to realize that the reason is because animals don't have the capacity for malice or spite. Nothing more genuine and sincere than the soul of an animal.

I have suffered losses before. Losing Mad had me grieving for more than two years. Maybe because Mad was also someone who had no capacity for malice or spite; at least not towards me. Do I wish I had grieved for Mad for much lesser duration? No. I believe the duration of grieving befits the quality of the soul that we have lost.

What I have taken away from all that has happened is this: I need to prepare myself for my first night in the grave; where there will be no one who can help me. I will be buried alone with only my deeds to speak for me. Henceforth, I have revised and renewed my commitments. I hope, together with my good deeds, Bleu will be there to keep me company in barzakh.

Whatever I have composed today is based on how I am feeling today. May Allah erase from my memory anything that does not benefit me remembering. May He bless me with serenity for my soul and peace for my mind, commitment and loyalty towards Him in my heart so I would remain steadfast in my ibadah for Him, insya Allah.

Wait for mama, Bleu. Meanwhile, do put in a good word for me, ok my son? We will always love and miss you.