Its already 6 a.m and I'm still wide awake. Nothing out of the ordinary, considering my circadian rhythm disorder has synchronized my sleeping hours to British time, I should be feeling sleepy any time soon. But before I shut down my precious macBook and head to bed, I thought its best to unload some of the happenings in my mind. I believe this as a precautionary measure in ensuring these matters don't manifest into unpleasant dreams. I mean, if I have to sleep so un-ordinarily from others, the very least I could ask for is a good and restful slumber. Is that too much...?
I am taking a huge risk in writing this down. But my courage comes from believing that I may not be the only one who experiences this occasionally, if not often enough. Some may judge the remainder of this entry with utter disdain, probably a hearty guffaw will bubble up the throat, a malicious smirk, racing heart fueled by anger, and a myriad more of other interesting but equally possible reactions. Do I care? Do I really care? Not really. Because its been shown to me many, many times how people will still lie, twist my truth, fabricate fiction and manipulate facts just so they can hate themselves a little less before they sleep at nights. They are sad, pathetic bunch of crap shit. They don't deserve my care of worry. I just afford a speck of pity for them. Oops! Sorry. I've even given that away to the more deserving stray dog on the street. At least they don't bite the hands that feed them.
I hate stating the obvious but since it can't be made overtly evident in writing, I guess I have to. Here it is. I hear voices. There are several that I hear. The following are the most frequently heard.
Voices of the Past:
My mom telling the 3 year old me that I am jealous of my younger brother. As the years progressed, I made sure to learn exactly what mom meant and with great determination, made sure that darkness inside me is banished for good. Now I am happy to say that I love my brother Eri whole heartedly, without envy or jealousy. I am proud and glad that I achieved that.
Voices of Pain:
The sound of quarrels and fights between two people who love each other but are very disappointed in one another. It caused fear in me and makes my body tremble to hear sudden loud noises. I braced myself to make sure I don't get hysterical. Now I know that anger is tool used by people to control others: spouses, children, students, lovers... Why do I call this "voice of pain" instead of "voice of anger'? Because it hurts to be manipulated by emotional threats. Physical wounds heal and may leave almost invisible scars. Alas, the emotional wounds never heal. Some are forgotten. But never healed.
Voices of Anger:
The things I wish I had said when instead I held my tongue and kept silent. These dialogues repeat themselves ad nauseam in my head, especially when a blanket of silence drapes over home and everyone is lulled in dreamland. When I'm doing something I don't enjoy doing: laundry, ironing and folding clothes. That is when I really stew. I guess thats why I prefer cooking. Whatever it is, I've decided that I've done enough sacrificing for my loved ones and its time for me to live the rest of my life for ME. No one likes to have things shoved down their throats. You don't like people forcing you to do things you don't wanna do? Well, here's news for you, babe! I don't like it either.
Voices of Fear:
Worries over my future. I'm not getting any younger. My body is going through a change I can hardly control. My mind has its own agenda. My heart worries, frets and feels utter anxiety over what hell may come if I don't do something about it now. I can't afford to be old, homeless, penniless and not affording to retire or die! It doesn't help that I read in a local newspaper recently that one will need RM1 million in order to retire in the city I live in now! And even if treatment is sought in government hospitals, its NOT FREE like Facebook!
These voices speak to me in whispers. Sometimes, they come across more loudly. Like yelling. At other times, they are more nagging in manner and I can easily tune them out. Whenever insecurity shows its head, I would remind myself how far I've come, in comparison to some people who are so stuck in their rut that they just can't progress.
Before my current career, I've had several other professions that I've dabbled in. The entertainment industry, interior design and now the professional field of psychology. I may have left the other two, but I have the ability and choice to revisit them any time I wish. I can choose to sing for a gig or act as a consultant for a interior design project. I guess its just like riding a bicycle. The maliciously manipulative people may slander me and try to tarnish my good name in the entertainment industry. But honestly, it would hardly make a dent in my pocket. I don't need to have an immaculate reputation in the entertainment industry in order for me to excel in the field of psychology. Those malicious, bad mouthing bitches can NEVER enter my field of expertise simply because they are uneducated lowlifes. One day they will discover how their own reputations are already deep in the gutters due to their own bad mouths. And their voices are the ONLY ONES I will never hear in my head, simply because these are mere ramblings of attention crazy drama queens.
I've always believed that the most dangerous people are the uneducated morons who will resort to evil ways to get rid of anything that stands in their way to getting what they desire. I have been proven to be right in this belief. I've realized now that my recent chain of actions have been brought about by years of tolerance which has led to many frustrations and disappointments. I guess I couldn't take it anymore. And that is why I pulled the plug. No regrets there. I don't have to tolerate nonsense any longer.
Now that I'm traveling lighter, I sincerely believe I will go much further than ever before. Hooray for little old me!