Friday, January 4, 2013

Itchy Fingers Pounding Keys

I'm sorry. There's an absence of enthusiasm in my choice of words for this entry, which is highly unsimilar to entries I've made in the past around the end or beginning of a year. Maybe it's because I am 6 kg overweight due to water retention and my face is veiled with a mask of angry and itchy rashes. 

Let's recap 2012 in a paragraph: besieged by a strange ailment that rendered me unable to speak, the death of my much loved grandfather, the passing of my brother-in-law on my birthday, a fall that caused me to suffer from slipped disc and unable to walk for almost 3 weeks, frozen shoulder that gives me terrible pains and muscle spasms which has lasted until now. In a nutshell, 2012 was hell for me.

Of course, when compared to the plight of those more unfortunate than me, my life would resemble a day in paradise. I mean, I'm hardly starving or dying. Nor am I homeless or penniless. Or many other worse things my morbid mind is capable of conjuring up in this ungodly hour of the night. To be fair, I have survived quite a bit of struggles of my own, although some quarters would accuse me of being a cry baby or drama queen for even mentioning my so called troubles.

But the point is I survived. And I find it truly insulting when someone trivializes my sufferings simply because I survived them. Does pain become nothing after it has stopped? Don't the tears shed mean nothing now that the suffering has ended?

Please excuse my ramblings. I have to keep on typing just so I can stop my fingers from scratching the itchy rashes on my face. Yes. My face is full of rashes. And this is a huge deal for me right now. Wanna know why? Because it's the only one I have to face this world!

Many advice pivot around the same topic. Forget the past. Let it go. But I reckon we need to be careful what we forget and what we let go. Because almost everyone we already have in our lives currently has a part in our past. Are we to forget them too? What exactly are we suppose to forget? Because if everyone I know forgets their past, and since I'm a part of it, I would be forgotten too. And so would they. How would they like to be forgotten?

Apologies. It's not enough to say you're sorry if it doesn't come along with a promise never to do it again. It has to come with a question, "How can I make up for all the wrongs I have done?"An apology does not buy you permission to repeat your misdoings. Forgiveness should not be abused in such manner.

I've come to the realization that I've done a terrible thing: accommodate. I've taken all I was served and refashioned myself until I am beyond recognition. I look at myself in the mirror and I don't know who that stranger is. All in the name of pleasing others. All in the name of tolerance and acceptance. And what has that amounted for me? I've lost myself. I've got nothing left to give. So, what gives?

For those who have the inclination of personalizing anything and everything I write or say, here's a newsflash for you: this is NOT about you. This is MY BLOG. It's about me. These are my thoughts. I use this blog to vent my thoughts. 

The ground is shaky all around me. This is hardly the time to set up a home and grow deep roots. I must wait until there's calmness again. I don't know when that will be. Meanwhile, I plough through. Soldier on, Johana. The world is watching.