Thursday, September 11, 2008

My 43rd Ramadhan

What a difference to the last few ones! Its already the 11th day of Ramadhan and I feel great (except for the migraine I am having at the time this entry is being composed). Maybe Allah has spared me the trials and punishments this time around because I have paid my dues over the past few Ramadhans. I don't know. He knows best.

If the previous Ramadhans resembled roller-coaster rides of sort, this time around I feel more calm, grounded and cleansed. My thoughts and emotions are purer (except the heightened sexual attraction towards my husband of 18 years. Go figure!) and I seem to be gliding through the days without food, drink nor sex quite easily.

Although I miss Mekkah very much and wish that Mad was around for me to break fast with him, whenever I am at a mosque here in KL (my favourite mosque nearest to my home is Masjid Wilayah), I can close my eyes and imagine myself being transported mentally to Mekkah and seeing the Kaabah within my shut eyes.

Inner calmness and peace washes over me like the water of ablution and I feel refreshed, renewed and reborn. All impure thoughts are gone without leaving any trace of it ever being there in my heart and mind. I sincerely hope that this is a sign from Allah that all my past transgressions have been forgiven and I have been blessed with a clean slate to begin again. Attunement between my husband and I seems effortless and pleasurable.

As much as I value the lessons I have learnt from the previous Ramadhans, I pray to Allah that I never have to experience that ordeal ever again. I almost lost myself and that was not a pretty sight. Even thinking back on what I had gone through gives me the shakes and shivers similar to those while watching a scary Korean, Japanese or Siamese horror movies. Nightmare indeed.

Hence, I turn my palms upwards to Allah and pray for His forgiveness and for Him to bless my life with my family and friends. Syukur, Alhamdulillah. Praise be to Allah, The All MIghty, The Most Loving and The Most Merciful. Ameen.