Saturday, May 30, 2015

Before Everything Goes Black

Of late, the enemies who are not mine have become more and more ruthless. Despite it all, I keep the smiles on my lips, do as much as I can to not be defeated. I strive to keep my life as normal as possible because the nights are dark and painful as hell. The sight in my right eye is going, the pains in my head that goes right down my spine are excruciating, and my speech is slowing down to silence. And my heart is suffering blows of painful punches. 

I tell myself "you're a warrior, woman!" And I keep getting up after each blow. Despite it all, as far as the world is concerned, I'm fine. 

But just in case things go downhill steeply after this, I'm gonna post photos of the proofs that I've fought this battle with courage and creativity. Below are are among the things I've made with wire. 

If my condition worsens, this may be the last entry on this blog. It may also mean I  won't be able to continue doing work, helping people, or sing, or teach, or bake or make jewelry anymore. I have faith Allah has His reasons to allow this upon me. 

Wednesday, May 20, 2015

A Full Circle

Student of Psychology Counseling in UKM in 2001. Lecturer for Masters in Counseling Psychology at HELP University in 2015. Whoa! If someone had told me, when I was in primary school, busy playing pranks on teachers and joking about with friends, that I would one day become a lecturer, I would have laughed my head off and tell them that's the biggest joke ever! And now, that's exactly what I am doing, albeit a part time lecturer. 

It's been a very trying and challenging months since I turned 50. I did resolve that the rest of my life would be the best of my life. I did not expect the highs to be so high and the lows to be so so low. But I refuse to write about the lows. There's no point in dwelling on something that's gone.

In the past, I have done human resource training programs for big corporations. I discovered that lecturing is not much different from that. Usually, before I embark on a new endeavor or doing something I've never done, I would try to find a role model of sort; someone whom I can emulate. I recall the way all the teachers I've had throughout primary and secondary schools, as well as lecturers in colleges and universities. One thing I realized is that the best educators are those who are passionate about teaching and also about the subject they are teaching. 

I was fortunate to have attended Dr Neimeyer's talk on Experiential Learning and he examplied every word he uttered. His talk was so engaging and interactive, bringing us to take a concrete fact and look at it in abstract ways. I learned a lot from Bob and I am grateful for his lessons. And now I get to apply it in my lectures.

After my first solo class (I share the same subject with another part-time lecturer), several of my students came up to me after class and shared their feelings about being my students. Their inputs were both encouraging and helpful. I thoroughly enjoyed lecturing and I hope there will be more opportunities for me to continue doing this.

Currently, I am writing my research proposal for my Ph.D.  I am thankful to all those who have gone out of their ways to assist me in obtaining the journals I need in order for me to complete this task and apply to a local university. 

I wish all my loved ones whom have passed away are able to see what I am doing with my life right now; especially Bapak Abu Hassan. He never stopped egging me on to go for greater heights. He saw my potential way before I saw it. He was very much like my late grandfather; having confidence in me before I learned to have it on my own.

What the past few months have taught me is that life can change in a split second. One moment you're feeling most happy and the next, it all dies in a pile of mangled metal. I can only do the best I can with what I have, with what I know, with people who appreciate having me in their lives. I have given my all and done my best to help as many people as I could. Also, now I understand how so many people complain about not having something when in actuality they did have it all along but they didn't appreciate it because it was not in the manner they expected it to be. So, they throw it away. 

In order to remain relevant in whatever field you're in, you need to be able to evolve and not be afraid of change. When I come to the end of my life, may my last effort be spent on making the world a better place and may my last breath be uttering the syahadah. Ameen.

Tuesday, May 19, 2015

I Want to be Ugly

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