Saturday, June 23, 2007
Its been a week since my return from heaven on earth. Most of my family members have recovered from bouts of cold and flu but we're still coughing badly. The normal medications that doctors dole out don't seem to work its miracles anymore. Maybe its the weather.
Its been a week since I left my heart in Mekkah. Everything back in Malaysia seem alien to me now. I pine to return to Mekkah. I miss the sight of the Kaabah. I miss the peace of mind and tranquility of my soul. Indeed, I feel different. Maybe I have changed.
Its been a week and I still have trouble getting back into the daily momentum of life in Kuala Lumpur. I don't feel the sense of belonging that I use to feel. I don't know how long these feelings are going to persist. I don't pray that I will return to normalcy if it means I become forgetful of why I am here in the first place, if it means that I will lose the forgiveness that I have sought and received for all the transgressions and diseases of my heart.
Its been a week but already I just wanna go home...
Sunday, June 17, 2007
Anxious and nervous. These feelings accompanied my departure from KLIA to Jeddah. Upon arrival, we boarded a bus bound for Madinah. That ride lasted a little over 5 hours. Medina Hilton greeted us with a luxurious accomodation and Masjid Nabawi was beautiful and cooling. Raudhah was a taste of Paradise. However, my heart was still ill at ease.
After a few days in Madinah, we departed for Mekkah. Being in ihram was not as difficult as expected. The trip to Mekkah from Madinah was another gruelling 5 hours. We arrived in Mekkah, the main destination of my soul, just after maghrib. We rested for while and had dinner. After isya', we walked excitedly to Masjidil Haram to perform our umrah. My heart was pounding in my ears. But the moment I laid my eyes on Kaabah, my heart felt calm and at peace. My thoughts exclaimed, "Oh! Its not as big as I thought it would be!" But, masya Allah! It was a sight to behold and would stay etched in my memory forever.
For once in my life, I felt peace and serenity. No thoughts of Malaysia or my family back there. No worries. No problems. Nothing. Just peace..... I felt His forgiveness and love. I felt cleansed of all my sins and transgressions. I felt blessed and welcomed. I'm where I'm supposed to be. The description of how I really felt there is beyond words. There's not a word in the english dictionary that would do justice to the experience of being there, praying in front of the Kaabah, touching it and smelling its beautiful attar. My hours there were centered around the prayer times. Kaabah, the center of the universe.
I dreaded the day of our departure for our return to Malaysia. Tawaf wida' was accompanied with a stream of tears and a breaking heart. I didn't want to leave. I wanted to stay in the womb of His security and love. I felt as if I was already in Jannah but now I have to leave. My breaking heart, my breaking heart. The pain and agony was too excruciating.
People say that home is where the heart is. Since I was born, I have always referred to Malaysia as my home. But, even when we were welcomed home by my loving parents and siblings and family, even after I had tasted again home cooked meals, even after I entered the threshold of my house and unpacked and slept again on my favourite four posted teak bed; I am still not home. I've left my heart in Mekkah. That's where my home is from now on. Henceforth, my sole purpose is to find means and ways to go home. Because home is where the heart is.
"Ya Allah, rumah ini rumahMu, aku ini hambaMu, anak dari hambaMu juga anak hambaMu yang perempuan. Engkau telah membawa aku dalam hal yang Engkau sendiri mudahkan untukku sehingga Engkau jalankan aku di negeriMu ini dan Engkau telah menyampaikan aku dengan niqmatMu jua sehingga Engkau menolong aku untuk menunaikan ibadat umrah. Kalau Engkau redha padaku maka tambah-tambahkanlah keredhaan itu padaku. Jika tidak maka dari sekarang sebelum aku jauh dari rumahMu ini. Sekarang sudah waktunya aku hendak pulang. Jika Engkau izinkan aku dengan tidak menukar sesuatu dengan ZatMu ataupun rumahMu, bukan benci padaMu dan tidak pula benci pada rumahMu.
"Ya Allah, bekalilah aku ini dengan afiat pada tubuhku, tetap menjaga agamaku, baikkanlah kepulanganku dan berilah aku taat setia padaMu selama-lamanya, selagi Engkau membiarkan aku hidup dan kumpulkanlah bagiku kebaikan dunia dan akhirat. Sesungguhnya Engkau Maha Kuasa atas segala sesuatu.
"Ya Allah, janganlah jadikan masaku ini masa terakhir bagiku dengan rumahMu. Jika sekiranya Engkau jadikan masa ini terakhir bagiku, maka gantikanlah syurga untukku dengan rahmatMu wahai Tuhan Yang Maha Pengasih lebih dari segenap yang pengasih. Amin. Terimalah doa kami wahai Tuhan sekalian alam."