Monday, May 26, 2008

A Step Back, A Leap Forward.

It took me more than a month to muster the courage to blog again. I have been having trouble trusting my internal dialogues. Intermittent with cackling of sarcastic laughter and tirades of self-defeating thoughts, my brain has been kept busy night and day.

The past few weeks have been filled with trying moments. I finally experienced the 'fight or flight' rush first hand for the first time. I have always considered myself brave. However, these last few weeks had reduced me to a shriveling blob of emotions. I just wanted to crawl into a cave and stay there until all my troubles had dissipated into thin air. I didn't care about the lessons to be learnt. I didn't give two hoots about the wisdom awaiting beyond the silver lining cloud. I just wanted to be left alone with my own insecurities and fears. I was afraid to let them go.

However, my caring lecturer and new friend, Dr. Wan Kader, didn't urge me to simply snap out of it. Neither did he try to coax me to leave my fears in the cave and come out alone. He just waited for me to take my time deciding what to do with my fears. He listened quietly and attentively when I found my voice again among the chaotic emotional and cognitive mess I was in.

How did I get to be that way? I don't know. What kept me awake at nights and restless during the days? I don't know. All I know was that I needed help. I need to be rescued but I needed someone I trust that can help me. I waited for the right person to show up before I extended my hand to ask for help. Please save me. I'm drowning in my own thoughts and emotions.

The marathon group counseling retreat was both daunting and exciting at the same time. I allowed myself to regress because I know that I needed to do that in order to progress. And so I did. I came away from the retreat feeling tired from the lack of sleep but I felt brand new. I have found myself again. I didn't die from the drowning experience. Instead, I learned to swim.

When I arrived for the retreat, my biggest issue was trusting again. Somehow, there was a link between how badly I took the betrayal of two old friends and the passing of my soul brother, Mad. My cathartic moment revealed that my trust in Mad didn't die with him. I can still continue to trust him. He's still trustworthy.

I also realized that during my drowning period, I had disconnected myself from people around me... those that I can still trust. Those who still care and love me. I'm grateful to Allah for the timely intervention I received from Dr Wan Kader. I almost lost everything while mourning what I thought I had lost.

Now, I am determined to be the beacon of light to those who are lost at their torrential sea. I will make sure they won't crash their ships and that they make it safely home to where they belong. I will continue to share my trials and tribulations with others, even as a small lesson to be learnt. Everything has value and meaning. Everything....