Today started out really good for me. I had a haircut, after more than 2 years since the last time I had anything done to my hair. Later on in the night, I gave a lecture on what it takes to be a counselor. I was definitely in my element, as the subject is definitely one of my great favorites. I had the class break out into moments of huge laughter as I lace information with humor and wit. That felt SO good!
So, why is it, at the end of such a wonderfully fulfilling day, I find myself sitting down at the kitchen table, nursing an ache in my heart? I know the source of it. It is my inner child. Little Ana. She has been through so much since I rescued her from her dark and unhappy 'home.' I promised her many things, among them is to protect her from any form of harm. I can feel her unhappiness. I can feel her frustrations at the limited amount of free time for her to come out of her hiding from the world. I can feel her confusion. I can feel her fear. What does she fear? Anger. Uncertainty. Instability. Being forgotten.
A few months ago, she chose a page from a coloring book. It had words on it which read along the lines of "I've decided I don't wanna grow up." A colleague of mine did mention that there's a possibility she will not grow up and mature fast enough to catch up with me. In fact, there's a huge chance she might regress into infancy stage where she perceives to be safer that this world.
Ever since I began working full time, I hardly have enough free time to allow her any form of indulgence; even simple ones such as coloring or even blowing bubbles. Poor little girl has such simple needs. Yet, even those are difficult for me to fulfill. I look forward to Ramadhan with the hope that it will bring me more leisure time to allocate for Little Ana.
She had endured so much physical abuse prior to me rescuing her. She was on the receiving end of an extremely angry mother and a neglectful father. I crack my head trying to figure out a way to comfort her. She's in her shell most often than not, and I believe she needs that shell as a baby would need a security blanket. People gave her things when it is people that she needed; not things. And the saddest part of all is how people always put other things as priority over her. I pray to Allah that He will bless me with the opportunity to keep my promises to Little Ana. However, I am keeping one promise right now and always: I will never allow any angry people around you, sweetheart. You've suffered enough. Now, rest easy. We are home. I love you, precious.
Tuesday, May 3, 2016
I noticed my office window was dirty with dried grimy water marks on it. I wanted to clean it but the window frames are screwed shut. And I thought, "Oh, well. If I can't clean the outside, I'll just give the inside a good scrub." To my surprise, the dirty surface was on the inside, not on the outside! This taught me a lesson: when you look at something and you see dirt, make sure it's that thing that is dirty, not your mind or your heart. How everything appears depends on what's inside of you. If your inner filter is dirty, everything you look at will seem dirty too.