Dearest Mak

Dearest Mak,

Its been 15 days since you went home to Allah. I pray He has placed you among the righteous and pious. So many people prayed the same for you, Mak. So many people wept over your passing. So many people fell over each other to care for you. That just goes to show how much you were loved. I don't think its possible for me to ever stop loving you.

Before there were anyone else, there was just you and me. I remember fondly how you cared and loved me. Despite everything that happened in between the years, there was nothing that you did that made me feel unloved by you. 

From you I learned how to be a strong, independent woman who won't take shit from anyone. You taught me so many things but you didn't teach me how to live without you. I feel your presence in my life after your passing. Somehow, I also feel Wan's presence in my life too. 

Mak, you were there to witness how your brother treated me. When your brother shouted at you and I defended you, I was shouted at also. When you were taken away from under my care, they broke me. I kept remembering how you once told me about your dream where your sons planned to place you in a nursing home. I was so traumatised when I was told you were on your way to a nursing home with the hired caregiver. No one pacified me. And they did that on my birthday! I didn't even get to celebrate my birthday with you. I was so broken until I had suicidal thoughts and trauma. I thought of jumping in front of a speeding car to end all the turmoil I was experiencing. Jasmene was quick to take me to see my psychiatrist who then prescribed me some added medications to help me climb me from the darkness. Of course they don't really understand or empathise with what I was experiencing coz its not as obvious as cancer. Sometimes I wish I had cancer instead of major depressive disorder and complex PTSD.

My psychiatrist advised me to move out of the house urgently because he said I won't be able to heal for as long as I was living in a very toxic environment. So, Jasmene acted fast in securing a condo for us to move into. Coming up with the deposit for the condo was such an insurmountable challenge that I had to beg and borrow to just afford the moving. As a result, the house was left behind like a crime scene. 

When they took you away from me, everyone went silent and no one communicated with me, Mak. I didn't know they were gonna move you back into your own home. And honestly, I had no means to even pay for a cleaner to clean the house. The house was just too expensive for me to afford continuing living in it.

Mak, I have done everything that you wanted me to do: move into your home and take care of you as your health declined. When you were living with me and my family, we had a lot of laughs and plenty  of happy memories. Caring for you during COVID-19 was made easy by Allah when I was able to withdraw money from my old age fund with which I spent a significant amount repairing the house and buying your necessities. I don't have a single guilt nor regret because I know for a fact that I went above and beyond my capacity as your primary caregiver during the lockdown years.

Mak, I can hear your voice giving me the same old advice: "Do the best you can and if that's not good enough to others, tough luck!" I also hear Wan's voice saying what he said to me years ago while we were in London. He said, "You do good for the whole of your life and people won't remember it. But when you do one thing wrong, they will remember it for the rest of their lives." How poignant, isn't it? People are so quick to judge how I was responding to their manipulations and toxic abuse. People are quick to judge me for something they aren't willing to endure themselves. So I left.

With your passing, the tug of war that involved ugly dramas has ended. Along with it goes the bond that lasted as long as you did. I have ended it by withdrawing myself from that family. I wish I could've died with you, Mak. The pain of losing you is indescribable.

HAJJAH NOORAZAH BINTI AISHAH

30.09.1943 - 30.05.2022

AL FATIHAH

This Too Shall Pass

Most often, we hear this phrase being said to us whenever we are facing something that is extremely challenging. It’s purpose, presumably, is to bring some form of comfort and hope. A form of anticipation that there will be light at the end of the tunnel.

 

I cannot speak for everyone but I, for one, couldn’t really grasp the hope that’s imbedded in that phrase. Somehow, to me, it sounded more like something you might say when you don’t know what else to say. Very rarely would this phrase comfort me in any shape or form.

 

Things have been rough for me emotionally and psychologically for the past two years, especially. And Allah knows how traumatised I have been through childhood traumas and such. He allowed these things to happen to me. I take comfort in understanding that THAT meant I am deemed strong enough by Him to survive through the challenges He had designed for me. 

 

In therapy, a counselor is to assist client to gain some form of insight; an inner understanding or introspection on why they are where they are in their lives with all given circumstances and variables. After that, the counselor walks with the client as they process through their inner conflicts, frustrations and disappointments. 

 

This morning, Allah bestowed upon me an inner wisdom. Here it is.

 

In order for the phrase “This too shall pass” to have any value as a psychological resource, one must understand that a bad experience is not tangible. An experience is a memory of what happened. 10 different individuals with the same experience will have 10 different memory of it. So, who is right? Whose experience is more valid than the other? None. All have the same value of fragments of memory.

 

Yes. An experience is intangible. Unless you choose to write it down into a descriptive narrative. I can totally understand why anyone would want to do that. But why would anyone want to make tangible a bad experience? 

 

“This too shall pass” means you need to allow the experience to pass through you without leaving any residue or sediment within you. That would mean you need to allow it to pass through you several times until it changes from being a bad experience to a life lesson. Bad experience did not happen to you. Bad experience just happens. There’s no need to make it about you. 

 

So, do write down happy experiences, thoughts and moments. Write down everything you want to be reminded of. Design your memories.

Under One Roof

I am pretty certain that many have been actively blogging over the past week since the "Stay Home, Save Lives" global movement. COVID 19 has brought the world we know to a standstill. As humans struggle to fight, medicate and survive this pandemic, it has given earth a chance to breathe again. I am not about to go down the "Nat Geo" path of docu-blogging. Far from it. I have had the chance to observe myself in this lockdown.

I am not surprised that I feel at home being confined to home. The introvert side of me is darn happy. I am contented to have all my kids all around me, working from home. Of course I am observing members of my family under the same roof with me and how they are coping with this newly imposed movement control. My elder daughter and her husband seem to find working from home with little to no big change. Such is life in the digital age where technology allows work to get done and delivered in the most limitless way. 

Having to shut down the counseling clinic during this duration is pretty hard to me as I find going to work and seeing clients as an escape from the challenges I face being mom's sole caregiver. On the plus side, I do have my daughters to help me with caring for her so I can afford some ME time in the sanctuary of my bedroom. 

I believe we don't need religion to be spiritual; and it is through our spirit that we connect with our Maker. Allah has allowed COVID 19 to happen to PAUSE the noise of life and living. What crosses my mind right now is how grateful I am for the WIFI at home so I am able to make this entry. 

As earth heals safely away from the unrelentingly inconsiderate hands of humans and development, I feel a spiritual renewal happening within me. I believe Allah is giving us a chance to get it right this time around by pushing the RESET button. Time for us to really ponder upon what truly matters to us.

So I have taken this opportunity to set my home in order by clearing and decluttering. Throwing out what no longer has purpose or value and organising my treasures in ways that are pleasing to my eyes and calming for my soul. I have felt this peace of mind once before. It was when I was in Mecca in July 2007. However, I failed to make it last after I returned to Malaysia. I admit I got distracted by my surroundings. Something I believe will happen once all this home quarantine is over. People will get distracted again. And again. And again.

Maybe mindfulness is easier to be achieved by someone who has retired from work and have their children all grown up. But maybe if we believe it is something important enough for us to master, we will be able to be actively conscious of what we are thinking, feeling and doing; not only to others but most importantly to ourselves. 

This may mark the end of the world we knew and the beginning of a new one. But if we don't start thinking about the consequences of our choices and actions, we will grow old in despair instead of with dignity. 

Take this time to think about what kind of a world we want our children to live in and start creating it now. May Allah continue to be gentle on us all, insya Allah.

We Are A Family Living Under One Roof.

Let. God. Drive.

After 3 years of working as a full time lecturer at a private university, I have decided to go back to my private practice. Many questioned my decision, mostly were concerned with my future finances. I guess its fair for them to worried, given that they don't know how well Allah has been providing for me before my full time employment.

Private practitioners were, and are still, seen as 'risk takers.' Many do not see private practice as "real work" simply because it lacks a fixed amount of monthly income. Private practice is also flexible with regards to working hours. However, during my full time employment stint, I have come to realize how draining work can be. It can certainly kill any passion you may have for your profession. Work/life balance is almost non-existence and self-care is often left out of our priority list. We struggle to make time for those we love. And the reason why we cry at funerals of our loved ones is guilt. Guilt for not spending enough time with them while they were still alive and well.

I saw my spiritual wellbeing deteriorate during my full time employment. I also saw how quickly my mother's memory spiralled downwards to the point where she wasn't able to do the usual tasks she was able to do for herself. That was when I had to stop. Enough was enough. I need to refocus on what truly matters in my life.

I am grateful for the times I spent nurturing and guiding young counselors into professionals with optimum potentials. I have met many beautiful souls during my years in that university and I do not regret that one bit. But as I have taught developmental psychology as a subject for 3 years now, I am well aware of whats coming in the future. Everyone ages and eventually, everyone will die. We were born, we live, we age, and then we die. But what will be remembered most by others is how much we have touched their lives.

I am grateful for the chance to continue lecturing on a part time basis. This way, I will only need to teach one subject per semester and still do counseling in my private practice and strike an awesome balance in life. God is important to me. My family is important to me. I am important to me.

I feel very blessed to have witnessed so much growth in my students. Those who started out struggling with personal challenges have now bloomed into very caring, empathic, and very professional individuals. I am immensely proud of each and every one of them. I truly am.

Now, as 2018 draws to an end, I eagerly look forward to next year. An abundance of contentment through new additions to the family, daughters working at building their own muscles to fly, and finally, making my dream come true for MY Confidential. Last but not least, continuing my work in crisis intervention.

How do I feel about the future? Am I not worried about the uncertainties in life? For as long as Allah is driving my car, I will continue to be in good and safe hands. Keep the faith. Trust in Him. Hold on tight.

Smile.