Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Still Breathing...

Its almost 5 a.m. and my mind is running amok with trillions of thoughts crisscrossing all at once. Well, this comes as no surprise, considering my last entry: to focus more on my thoughts rather than my emotions. I guess this is the residual consequence of that bright idea.

I miss being in Penang. The solitude and tranquility of mind that island gives to me each time I cross that bridge and smell the sea breeze. Somehow, the atmosphere there encourages me to just relax and let go of things that are beyond my control. To just focus on and enjoy the here and now. Whilst everyone here is snoring away in the mindless slumber, I'm besieged by anxieties again. Each time this happens, I know that the fastest and easiest remedy is to blog. As a promise to myself, I shall begin each statement with a thought.

I think I am losing my battle in maintaining the will power to break a habit that no longer makes me happy.
I think I am ready to let go of things and people who no longer make me a priority in their lives.
I think about all the blessings Allah has bestowed upon me throughout my living years and am forever grateful for all the positives and negatives of me and my life.
I think I have evolved into someone I have yet to get acquainted with.
I think this condo needs a good spring cleaning but I'm just too fed up to even bother.
I think Medjai the kitten is a prime example that animals are more capable of giving unconditional love and acceptance than any man can ever give, even at his best.
I think about the future of my daughters and need to work harder at making sure they have better choices than I ever had in my own life.
I think that loneliness is the main cause for unhappiness and depression.
I think my anxieties stem from my need to keep the peace and hold my tongue when the urge to speak my mind chokes my throat.

I know that nothing stays the same, myself included. I have been trying hard to adjust the new me to my surroundings and this has proven to be most strenuous of all. I believe that respect is more than just doffing your hat, saluting a higher ranking officer or honoring the elders. Respect is not about being polite. Respect is about accepting and respecting others in all sense of the word. Respect is about not exerting your believes and principles on others. Respect is about accepting the differences that distinguishes one person from the other even when the understanding of it still eludes you.

I believe I am coping as best I can with the situation I've been given. I believe in fighting for what is right and true for myself without compromising the values others hold worthy to maintain. I understand that I can't have my way all the time. I understand that my problems and challenges are colossal in size only because they are mine and not someone else's. Therefore, I believe I need to keep on breathing and let go of things beyond my control. I believe Allah knows what He's doing and isn't cruel. I have faith that He is allowing things to happen for reasons beyond my comprehension. I believe He will grant me the strength, wisdom and will power to overcome my challenges when I am good and ready, and not any sooner than that.

So, for now, I need to prepare myself to be ready when the opportunity arises for me to triumph over my obstacles.

Al-Quran Surah 94: Ayat 1-8.
In the name of Allah Most Loving, Most Merciful.
(Muhammad), have We not comforted your heart, relieved you of the burden which had been a heavy weight upon your back and granted you an exalted reputation? After every difficulty there is relief. Certainly, after every difficulty there comes relief. When you are free from (your obligations), strive hard (to worship God) and be devoted to your Lord's service.


you know who i am said...

I hold on to this sura for dear life Jo, for dear life . I hope to see you soon. I am waiting for a decision. :-I

Johana Dato' Johari said...

My prayers for you have never left my lips. God's delay is not God's denial. Keep the faith. Leave the rest to Him.