Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Pushing the Pause Button.


Earlier today, someone told me how she believed me to be a confident woman from a blog entry I made about a year ago on the premature passing of the King of Pop. Her statement tweaked my curiosity to revisit that entry and reread it. I failed to see how she managed to come to her conclusion regarding my level of confidence.

As I browsed the various entries made last year, I came across the one and only entry I made in the month of July entitled "Pausing for Benjamin Button." I must admit Brad Pitt's gorgeous face adorning the cover of that DVD was as pleasant as a huge cup of frozen yogurt topped with chocolate syrup and multi-colored sprinkles! My eyes began to wonder off to my writings beneath it. At the end of reading it, I let out a huge sigh. My heart felt an unexplainable ache.

I feel tears prickling through, welling up and brimming over my eyes as I type this line. Why am I feeling so sad? Is it because of the memory of what I was going through back then? Or is it because I feel that I am stuck in the same place even after a year has passed? I have failed to let go of things that brought me pain. I have failed to let go of things that are no longer holding me back. Why is this so? Why am I holding on to pain and misery? Why can't I just walk away from all this heartache and venture out into the world that promises a more fulfilling prospect for happiness and stability?

A few weeks ago, my facebook status update said: Old habits are hard to break. I wasn't just referring to behavioral habits but more of the emotional kind. No matter how intelligent a person may be in knowing what is good and healthy for them, the heart will feel what it does for as long as it will. And when its gone, its gone. But meanwhile, what options have I got to survive this bad emotional habit of mine? Having expectations of others who have a fantastic history of disappointing you. Hoping to get some attention from people who are too in love with themselves. The need to save and rescue someone who seem to enjoy being in the doldrums they are in. What kind of emotional disorder is this? An obsession is mostly associated with the mind. The heart knows no obsession. It just knows emotions. I know I need to let go. But I don't know how.

Someone once said that it takes a special person to help you forget someone special. I hope that someone is right. Because I can't continue like this without ending up with a broken heart. So for the time being, the best I can do is to push the PAUSE button. Take a break from feeling. Just stick to thinking. Keep everything on a cognitive level. That way, I will be able to stay sane and not go crazy when my heart gets broken yet again. In the meantime, I pray for some kind words to soothe my agonizing soul.

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