As Time Goes By....

After a few days of blogging my latest entry here, I found myself asking a few introspective questions such as "Whose bright idea was it for me to do my Masters Program in Psychology Counseling?" "Why in the world did I decide to become a counseling psychologist?" "What made me do this?" "What am I getting out of this?" " Am I in the right profession?" "Am I doing the right thing?" "Am I any good? And if so, what have I got to show for it?"

I admit, asking myself these questions were a tad too late in coming. After all, in order to gain positively from any introspection, you need to ponder on these questions at a much earlier age and DEFINITELY NOT at the age of 41! However, always the late bloomer that I am, I guess its no surprise to anyone that I only get to this stage of life now.

As I think back to the time when my humanitarian urges pushed me to passionate desire to help and rescue people (apart from the fact that being the first born made me naturally bossy, pushy and demanding), my memory took me back to my early years when I was first presented with the opportunity to give guidance to a young lady whose parents thought that she was a troubled teenager. She was deemed so because she got pregnant out of wedlock by a man who was married....to someone else!

Far from being a judgemental person, I readily helped her by giving her some space in my room (I was still living with my mom) and giving her small doses of advice and guidance daily and nightly, religiously like a prescribed medication. After successfully seeing her through her tumultuous pregnancy and eventual delivery of her baby, I prepared her for independence and let her go on her own way. I haven't heard from her eversince but I never forget to wonder if she is okay now.

Many more years with similar experience ensued continuously from then on and I have never looked back. Luckily enough for me, when I got married to my beautifully noble husband, he was very supportive of my crusade to the point of joining me and sharing my passion with zealous enthusiasm. I swear I don't think I would have been able to do half of the things I've done and helped all those people that needed shelter or help or love or just a little bit of unconditional acceptance without his undying support. He never asked why he should help. He only asked how could he be of help.

Over time, year in, year out, both my husband and I have seen and helped many souls, young and old. We took them into our home and eventually into our hearts. Although the inevitable drop outs are few and rare in between, we have witnessed many succeed in their own lives after leaving our sanctuary. Many have become near and dear to us, sharing our trials and tribulations without a single grumble or sigh of complain.

Most of them had thanked us for helping them through tough times and for making a difference in their lives. Others are quietly grateful and strive to make us proud of them in their own special and unique ways. But little do they know the impact of their presence in our lives. Little do they know how much they mean to us. Little do they know how deeply they had touched our hearts.

It would be a lie if I were to say that they were all stories of success. Some are still struggling to fight their own inner demons and battling the ultimate war with their own lowly desires. But then again, I have never been one to count or value successes superficially. What I value and respect in them is their determination to fight on and strive in improving themselves.

Since most of them were younger than me, they call me kak ana or kakak. When I hear them call me that, it embraces my heart with warmth and sisterly love. If any of them were to read this entry, I want them to know how much they mean to me. I hope that they will understand, in time, how precious their youth is.

It pains me to see some of them meandering through life as if they were tourists, sightseeing in a foreign country, buying insignificant souvenirs just to prove that they were there and coming home only to toss that souvenir away like trash. Life is not about collecting meaningless souvenirs. Life has meaning. A meaningless life is not living. It also pains me to see how some of them continue living their lives selfishly. They only think of themselves and don't seem to give a damn as to how their words and actions affect other people in their lives. They make promises they don't keep and give little value to their ability to speak and communicate. They make words worthless. When they speak, they lie.

However, these rare cases do not represent the angels that has entered my world. There are those that make my heart swell with pride when I see them triumphant in their struggles and actualized their true selves. They go to their destiny with my cheers and blessings.

So, if I was to answer the questions above, I would say this, "It was Allah that put the idea of furthering my studies in my head. I decided to become a counseling psychologist because of those people Allah had sent to me. He has designed me to help people. I do this because I feel sincere with myself, Allah and the people in need, because this is what I was destined to do. I get satisfaction in knowing I can make a difference in someone else's life. Yes, I am in the right profession. Yes, this is the right thing for me to do. Yes, I am good at what I do because Allah has given me all the virtues and characteristics needed to help people effectively and sincerely. And yes, I do have proof to show for it."

I have witnessed how Allah has touched many people's lives through me and my work. And this is what I will continue to do until my dying day. I pray to Allah that when I die, the ones I leave behind will learn from my life on how to live.

"Treat people as if they were what they ought to be, and you help them become what they are capable of becoming."

What's My Name Again?

Its been a month since I last blogged here and many of those who are fond of dropping in to see my latest entries are beginning to complain. "Apa ni kakak? Dah malas ke?" , they've asked me, laughingly. I wish that was the case... of me being lazy. But the truth is I've been busy like a bee. At least bees produce honey. I have yet to see what will come out of my hectic life style, of late.

Truth is I've started my Masters Program in a local university. And even before I could start my classes, I was offered a job as a consulting counseling psychologist. Add my roles as wife and mother to two young ladies, and you'll be able to imagine how many balls I have to keep juggling in the air!

I was told that this was gonna be a very quiet year for me. As any loyal reader of this blog can remember, a few entries ago, I was bemoaning my bumpy road. But, God has never been one to let me down, and as always He loves to amaze me with His miracles and might. What seemed to be impossible to reach for me was suddenly in my hands, magically. I never had doubts in Him. As for my own judgements, I use to be one that never made a decision without securing all angles.....until now, that is.

No one told me how hard it is to be a student again at 41. No one told me that my brains are capable of going into reverse gear when fed with numbers and statistics! Someone forgot to advise me to re-think my decision to go back to school! At the very least, they could have locked me up in padded room until I came to my senses.

Now, after my last lecture that ends at 7pm on every friday night, my face is the perfect picture of confusion, anxiety, bewilderment, and fear! Sometimes, I forget simple things like my name!! That's how bad it gets when my brains go on reverse gear. I laugh so hard at myself until its no longer funny. Even in my dreams, I am busy with assignments! Talk about "Nightmare on Ara Street." Instead of Freddie Kruger and his screeching long blades as nails, I have Freud and Statistics!! I can't escape from this one. There's only one way to go, and that is straight ahead.

I have never been the kind to run away from challenges. I have every confidence that I will not regret my decision to further my studies. I know for sure that the knowledge I am gaining now will make me more skillful at what I do. I truly believe that I will come out of this a better and wiser counselor.

But meanwhile, I will have to focus my attention on finishing that professor's paper and swatting for my exams in coming November. I guess I won't be enjoying much of Raya this year, although I was looking forward to what's his name coming home from London with his kids. Which reminds me that I need to email something to someone before not sure when. I hope I will remember my name when I sign off.

Which brings me to.....umm....err.... Oh, never mind. I'll remember what I wanted to say tomorrow....I think....Sigh! Good Grief...

Independence Day

Lately, whenever you turn on the TV, you'll be bombarded with all kinds of reminders of the upcoming celebration of our wonderful country's independence day. I must admit that most that I have seen touched my heart so much that it wrings tears to my eyes. I believe that most people would be affected the same way too.

Whenever I look or see something created by God, I am always in awe and questions like "what was He thinking of?" are far from my mind. I never question God for He is All Knowing and Most Beautiful and Most Creative and Most Artistic....this list will go on for as long as anyone would give me the time of day to ramble on. However, when I witness things made by man, acts done by man, creations designed by man, I can't help myself but wonder and say out loud, "What the hell were they thinking?!"

I believe the reason why I'm touched by those ads on TV to remind us of our independence day touched me so because they remind me of how things use to be. Values, the simple way of life, genuine care for each other and the purity of friendship that was once the culture of our nation has somehow evaporated in the heat of all things western and new. Somehow, the price we paid for modernity and so called new age lifestyle has robbed us of our identity. Nowadays, we think nothing of crimes committed that we read in daily newspapers but there are those who feel the urge to travel far and wide to bring aid to those who have their countries attacked by ruthless people who drop bombs like a rain of candies on the innocent.

Where did this indifference come from? Why have we become so unfeeling? Someone on Ally McBeal said,"My problem is big because its mine." I wonder how the world would be like if everyone thinks this way. Oprah once said that the world is the way it is because we allow it to happen. If there's a child out there somewhere in the world who is going to bed hungry or homeless is because we allow it. Because we choose to NOT do anything about it. Sure, I sound idealistic and unrealistic. After all, how can one person save and rescue the world? But do you dare to wonder what would happen if everyone in the world makes sure at least one child goes to bed on a full stomach, in a home eventhough it is just a humble one? What kind of world would we be living in then, if this happens?

William Glasser says that everyone has five basic needs: to love and be loved, to feel worthwile, to have power, to have fun and finally to have freedom. I believe that those who have their basic needs met should at least reach out to anyone who cannot have any of their's met. Don't be complacent just because our country is independent and free from invaders. God forbid, the table can turn anytime and one day we may wake up oppressed by some "bossy" nation. So, show your gratitude by letting the weak lean on you. Say your thanks to God for being fortunate enough to have a choice of where or what you wanna have for dinner. Being independent don't mean a thing until you give something back. After all, isn't random acts of kindness something anyone can afford? Do it while you can. Because one day, it might be you on the receiving end.

Selamat Menyambut Hari Kemerdekaan!

Realistic Ideals and Idealistic Realities

Through his theory on Reality Therapy, Dr. William Glasser explains that most negative and/or abnormal behaviours are merely symptoms of unhappiness. This unhappiness stems from many of the basic needs not being met in one's life. In our ideal world, we have significant people in our lives, places and material things and last but not least, our values and belief system. When our ideal world does not match our reality, we will employ all kinds of negative behaviours as a way to control our reality just so that it will match our ideal world. This is called External Control Psychology. Parents scold their children for misbehaving. Teachers will threaten and punish when student don't do their homework. Both parents and teachers can vouch that external control psychology only works for a while. Pretty soon, its effectiveness will wane.

To cite an example of a character taken from a movie, Jack Nicholson's character in "As Good As It Gets" displays symptoms that can be diagnosed as Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. He chooses to behave this way, sticking religiously to rituals of latching his door three times, switching his lights on and off three times, and other eccentric looking practices, just so that he wouldn't have the time to dwell on the fact that he has noone to love and noone to love him. He is lonely. What is tragic about this character is that it is based on a real life person! The hassles of performing his rituals daily is nothing compared to the pain of his loneliness.

In my ideal world, my parents are still married to each other, loving each other and our family in perfect harmony. But in reality, my parents divorced when I was just 13 years old. Although they are no longer married to one another, my parents do get along very well. Looks like they are better off as friends rather than as spouses. In my ideal world, my brothers and their families get along famously with myself and my family. But in reality, a few years ago, my brothers and I have had a few clashes. I chose to try depressing, angering and crying. Mind you, none of these behaviours worked! But when I gave up trying to match my reality to my ideals, I felt it easier to accept things as the way they were. And to my surprise, things did work out eventually for all of us. Because I chose to stop trying to control the choices and behaviours of those I love and focused more on controlling my own behaviour and wishing things to be the way i wanted them to be.

This is an example of how we choose our behaviours and the choices we make all in the name of being idealistic. Mind you, there is nothing wrong with being idealistic and having ideals. But it is healthier for us to not behave in ways to control others to behave the way we want them to behave. We get angry with friends, family and children because we hope that our angering will be produce better behaviour from them. That means to be a controlling freak! I admit, for many years, I was just that - a controlling freak. But, thanks to knowledge of psychology and Choice Theory, I have learned that everyone likes to be in control of something or someone, but noone likes to be controlled!

I have learned to accept that although I may have some significant people in my ideal world, it is ok for me not to be in their ideal world. I have come across many people who are often depressed, angry, frustrated and hostile just because their ideals and reality don't quite match. And when they fail to control those they wish to control, the above feelings get magnified a million times. Some of their unhappiness may manifest itself in the form of physical pain that has no physiology to it, i.e; they've gone to their doctors for cures but no medication would work. Aches and pains that has no physiological reasons to them can be termed as fibromyalgia or psychosomatic pains. When they choose to think more positively, they will feel and behave better, and those mysterious aches and pains will magically disappear!

There are those who are close to my heart and mean the world to me who are showing symptoms of unhappiness. They relentlessly try to control those around them and when all else fails, they begin behaving in ways that drive even the most loyal and loving away from them. Sadly, they don't realise what they are doing to themselves. My fervent wish is to be given the opportunity by Allah to help them see themselves and their lives from a different angle.

So, next time when you are feeling angry, upset, frustrated or flabbergasted, ask yourself, "What is it that I really want? Am I hungry or in pain? Whose behaviour is it that I am trying so hard to control? Whose behaviour can I really control? Is this behaviour going to help me get what I want? Is there another behaviour that I can choose that would yield the results that I want?"

Next time a massive urge to control someone other than yourself rises to your throat that makes you wanna just shout in anger, my prescription to you is this: just grab the TV's remote control and switch channels. That way, you won't be chasing all those you love out of your life. And then, only then, will you have all those you love around you and you will feel loved. Below, I have listed out the Seven Deadly Habits that can ruin any relationship and Seven Caring Habits that can enhance and repair any relationship. Give it a go! What have you got to lose?

Seven Deadly Habits:
Criticising
Blaming
Complaining
Nagging
Threatening
Punishing
Bribing or rewarding to control

Seven Caring Habits:
Supporting
Encouraging
Listening
Accepting
Trusting
Respecting
Negotiating differences

"If I choose all that I do, maybe I can choose to do something better."

In The Light Of HIS Love

He created me out of His Love. He brought me into this world, crying out for His Mercy. He furnished me with the best family and friends, and went on to provide for me in infinite ways. But as I grew up and became more aware of this world and it contents, I forgot him more often than not. However, His Love for me stayed the same. And then one day, something changed. He wanted me closer. Somehow, He wanted more of me.

For the past six years, He has been keeping me close to His side. He kept me on a very short leash and He did it in the name of Love. He taught me how much He loves me. He showered me with intense love that made me cry rivers of tears on His lap. He caressed me with tenderness beyond description.

And today, because of His Mercy, I dance in the light of His Love. Yes, He loves me. He is my first love. He is my only true love.

"Love is to see what is good and beautiful in everything. It is to learn from everything, to see the gifts of God and the generosity of God in everything. It is to be thankful for all God's bounties.

This is the first step on the road to the love of God. This is just a seed of love. In time, the seed will grow and become a tree and bear fruit. Then, whoever tastes of that fruit will know what real love is. It will be difficult for those who have tasted to tell of it to those who have not." - Sheikh Muzaffer, excerpt from Essential Sufism.

Mother's Nature, Father's Time

Last month, we celebrated Mother's day and this month will be Father's Day. Although some may view these celebrations as sales gimmicks for card makers, I beg to differ. Given, there are those who spend money on cards and gifts for their beloved parents and I am sure this practice has brought countless profits for many card and gift vendors alike. I, however, choose to look at these celebrations from a different point of view.

The modern day has designed our lives to be so hectic that even conveniences and appliances such as the microwave ovens and washing machines still render us too busy for simple shows of affections. Of course, I don't even have to tell you how I feel about the recent bout of controversies surrounding showing affection in public in our country. But I still refuse to feel guilty for lovingly holding my husband's hand while walking with him in shopping malls. Subconsciously maybe, I just don't wanna lose him in a mall full of window shoppers.

Spouses aside, the other significant people in our lives are our primary care givers, our parents. We look to our mothers for a sense of security, unconditional love and acceptance, for guidance and wisdom. We can always count on mothers to know their children's shoe sizes and a list of medications and food that we may be allergic to. It is the nature of mothers to nurture and care for their offsprings and are ever willing to jump in front of a moving train just to save their beloved children.

Fathers are our bouncers, making sure we are safe from dangerous predators, teachers of mathematics and science of life and our main financial institution. Many psychological research have yielded results that show when fathers read bedtime stories and be silly with their children, they grow up to be adults that are more eloquent, confident and practical. The world is not such a scary place to live in for a child when the father is always around to ensure the safety and wellbeing of their kids.

Merely saying thank you is not enough to express the multitude of gratitude we feel towards our parents for all the love and sacrifices they have given and done. We always wanna do more but most of us are stumped for ideas as to how we go about doing just that. This is when we cop out by just getting a card and a cheap gift to satisfy our guilt for not spending enough time with them because we have been too busy with our own lives and worries. So, don't blame card and gift vendors. They thrive because of our complacency. They profit because we are always too selfish thinking of ourselves.

We have heard, time and again, that TIME IS MONEY. TIME IS PRECIOUS. If we do indeed appreciate and value our parents, the best gift we can bestow upon them is the thing most precious to all, TIME. When I think back to my childhood days, the most vivid memories are those spent with my parents. Time with my parents became more precious to me when they divorced when I was just 13 years old. My brothers and I lived with our mom and we only got to spend time with our dad on weekends. There are such things as "ex-husbands" but there's no such thing as "ex-fathers". No matter how much time my parents spent with me, it will never be enough. Because, time is indeed precious.

Home And Away

School holidays are here and therefore I predict many parents are going through the frazzled hassles of thinking of ways to entertaining their bored little tots and brooding teenagers with activities that is supposedly to encourage bonding and strengthen family ties. For the life of me, I can't understand why most people would wait for times like these to spend more attention on their children. If real quality attention is given to offsprings daily, I doubt much effort is needed in calling travel agents and going through the rigmarole of traveling to another state or country just to appreciate their own flesh and blood.

I try to focus and give attention to my girls whenever my internal ramblings would allow me to. I'm far from labeling myself as a perfect mother. I'm no Claire Huxtable but then again, neither am I the dysfunctional mom from Malcom in the Middle. But, the main reason my family went to Penang recently was because my soul sister gave me her complimentary 2 nights stay at any hotel in this country. I chose Penang because recently, an old friend of mine had lost his beloved mother and a few days after that he didn't really feel like celebrating his 41st brithday. I wanted to visit him and offer him a shoulder to cry on.

But instead, we were greeted by a wonderful soul whose generous hospitality rendered me humble. He didn't think twice to spend whatever free time he could get from working at his workshop to take us around Penang town and made sure our tummies were filled up to our throats! Penang has changed so much since our last visit there 4 years ago. So much change for such a small piece of land. But our friendship has withstood the test of time and distance.

However, personally, I didn't do anything different from my usual routine when I am relaxing at home. Lying on the bed, in front of the tv, pretending to be Cleopatra. My treats are simple. A good soak in the tub, reading a good book and doing cryptic crossword puzzles. I was so looking forward toward the trip just to meet up with an old friend. But when I was there and after all my initial intentions were done, I had a longing to be home again. I missed my bed, my bathroom, my iMac. I missed drinking decaf coffee from my yellow smiley mug in the mornings. How odd, isn't it? When you're home, you long to get away. And when you're away, you long to be home. The complexities of being a woman, you think?

Although this trip was a real "lonely planet" kind of travel, I felt blessed. I feel like a millionaire because of the friends God has blessed me with. Azuar is my true soul sister. Words are never a necessity, more of an option. We read each other's minds like two psychics! Mohammad is my soul brother. Without his friendship, my life would have been devoid of laughter. These two angels have known me for the longest time. I think they understand me more than I do myself. But what we do offer one another is just by being ourselves. We don't ever have to pretend to be someone we're not. The freedom to be ourselves and the joy of utter acceptance of one another. What bliss!

Azuar lives in KL, therefore we see each other very often although often is never enough. Mohammad lives in Penang and although we see and talk to each other whenever we can, its as if time stood still. The absence is always felt but the presence of one another is always present. Odd but true.

One thing I know for sure is that the reason why we have significant people in our lives and why they are significant to us is because of the way they make us feel about ourselves. No matter where you are, when you have these people around, you are home. And as for my two girls, they enjoyed the "line clear" nasi kandar and the satay celor-celor. They are no longer bored nor brooding. They understand the importance of a good friendship and they look forward to having angels of their own.