A Brand New Ending

I've stopped reading romantic fiction books more than 13 years ago. The first non-fiction book I was introduced to was The Magic of Thinking Big by David Schwartz. That book might as well had started off with "Dear Johana," at the beginning! Its an understatement to say that book changed my life. That book launched my love for non-fiction books.

The problem with romantic novels is that the readers usually prefer a happy ending. And the effect of such writings are nothing less than disappointments in real life. Women readers feel unfulfilled if their lives lack the beautiful settings and heroes who are nothing less than knights in shining armors, riding gallantly into their sad and pathetic lives to rescue them from loneliness and a life without romantic love affairs that tug their heartstrings. Yes, I am generalizing here. But I have my reasons for this.

As a practicing marriage counselor for more than 15 years, I've noticed a kind of a pattern in the challenges that bring troubled couples into my office. I always believe that infidelity is merely a symptom of a break down in communication between two people. When two people stop talking to each other and making their needs known to their partners, they set themselves up for trouble in paradise.

Couples seek my assistance to help save their marriage. What they've failed to realize is that marriage is merely a piece of paper that states two people have made a vow to stay committed to each other. However, many of them fail to see the difference between a marriage and a relationship! If you don't have a relationship, where you can relate to one another, your marriage has no value.

Many couples would counter my statement by saying that they do indeed communicate with each other but they still lack understanding of one another. This is because they are talking in different 'languages' with each other. One speaks greek while the other speaks german. The currency of love is also different. One defines loving acts as romantic ideals such as intimate dinner for two, flowers, expensive gifts, etc. While the other only knows how to express their loving feelings through thoughtful actions, such as taking out the trash at the end of every night, caring for the children while their tired spouses cooks a meal.

No matter what the issue may be between a couple, the two must be willing to do what is needed to relate to one another. I have seen many couples survive issues such as infidelity, addiction, financial challenges and many more. They each need to communicate their basic needs for loving and being loved, freedom, fun, power and a sense of belonging because these needs are not tangible. Can't be seen by the naked eye. Many women feel their partners should know what their needs are! For God's sake, only a small percentage of human beings are gifted with the ability to read minds!

Although I will be the first to admit that not all marriages can be saved, I also believe that an end of a marriage does not have to mean the end of the relationship. There is no need for animosity between them. The good times they've shared can still remain as beautiful memories than can never be erased. That happiness was real and can be treasured forever.

Hence, this is the major difference between fiction and non-fiction reading materials, One is created from the author's romantic notions of how love should be while the other provides more realistic options. Love is not about ownership. Love is about loving unconditionally. Regardless of the differences in opinions, values and beliefs, two people can continue to love one other without being married to each other.

The usual cycle of a relationship is to fall in love, get married, and as resentment and disappointment set in, they begin to despise their partners and then decide to part ways bearing hatred in their hearts. Why not try another option? When no more stones are left unturned in finding a solution to the challenging differences between each other, just accept and respect and agree to disagree. Acceptance is easy when the desire to control and change others are taken out of the equation.

So, as far as happily ever after is concerned, it is still possible. Yes, happiness is possible. Even if it means parting ways and remaining friends. Having a healthy relationship is far better than staying in a toxic, worthless marriage. The question I pose to everyone is this: How do you measure or define a successful marriage? Is it by the length of it? Or by the quality of the relationship between spouses? We should learn to cut our losses and part ways amicably rather than stay in a marriage when you can't even stand the sight of each other. Think about it.

And yes. I still believe and respect the sanctity of marriage. But I value relationship above all else. Feel free to disagree. After all, this is only my humble point of view. Just make sure that when you say you want to save your marriage, you have a good and valid reason for it and not because society expects you to remain married regardless.

By the way, I am not devaluing romantic novels. They may be good sources of entertainment and mental escapism. But when it comes to your life and relationship with your significant other, please keep it real. After all, we are living in reality, right? Leave the heros and damsels in distress where they belong... In romance novels.

My Silence Is Not My Absence.

Its been more than a month since my last entry. Too many things had happened in my life until I'm stunned to silence. Less than two weeks after my beloved cousin's untimely death, my great uncle passed away after a very long battle of lung cancer. I'm out of tears. Grieving is a deathly slow process towards recovery.

Apart from the constant migraine which I blamed on too much crying, my stiff neck and shoulders were constantly making their nightly visits. What I termed as my 'nocturnal depression' became more chronic than usual. My internal dialogues were filled with self-doubt and dark thoughts. Nothing seemed to help ease my misery. And then came the diagnosis. I have anxieties. But, don't I have too much on my plate already?

I also found myself avoiding to go out, preferring to stay locked up in my tower, isolating myself from friends and family. My whole body would be besieged by pain. No amount of pain killers nor vitamin supplements seem to work anymore. I knew something was wrong. I needed to see my supervisor again. I need to talk to someone I trust. Off I went to see Dr. Wan Kader.

I sat in his office for a good 3 hours. I was an emotional train wreck! I went home feeling relieved and unburdened. Funny how a kind and caring person with good listening skills can do wonders for your soul. Am I cured? No. I'm well aware that I am work in progress. It takes time to heal. I must allow myself to feel all my emotions when they come.

All through out the time since my last entry, I keep visiting this blog with the hope that I would have something to say. Something worth blogging about. I guess now I have found something to say, finally.

When someone is hurting, they may spit out hurtful words. But the one that remains silent is the one that's hurting the most. So, pay attention to those who are quiet. They are hurting beyond words. You don't need to say anything. Sometimes, a simple hug says it all.

"The most basic and powerful way to connect to another person is to listen. Just listen. Perhaps the most important thing we ever give each other is our attention.... A loving silence often has far more power to heal and to connect than the most well-intentioned words." - Rachel Naomi Remen

Soliloquy in Solitude

I've made a conscious decision that I need rest. I need to recharge. I need to find the inner peace that I have lost through death and grief. I need to control my tears from flowing at will. I need to heal my broken heart. I need to piece together my spirit. Hamka said a person with many needs is indeed poor. I am.

The pain of loss is indescribable. The hurt of insensitive words of comfort is far more excruciating. "She's in a much better place." "We have to redha." "That's life." These words don't stop the pain in my heart. My tears still well up and rain down my face. I still have her number on my hand phone and am not ready to delete her. Don't think for a moment that I enjoy my grief! It hurts. It hurts. It hurts.

I am tired. I can't close my eyes without seeing her smiling face and hear her laughter. I can't dream without remembering the quiet moments of girl talks we often shared. We had so much in common. The love for music, art, dance, culture, beauty. She was indeed the best of us all. She was almost invisible during family gatherings because the obnoxious and crass relatives stole our attention from her. She was always smiling, non-judgmental, accepting, kind and soft-spoken. She was an angel and the radiance of her beautiful spirit blinded many of us from seeing her as who she really was. Her true purpose only became clear when her light died out. And now, in our darkness of despair and hurt, we see her legacy. Funny how appreciation can be squeezed out of a tomb stone.

Over the past few years, many tragedies and undue mishaps had taken place in my life and upon my own person. I've been taught never to question these so called tests. I accept Allah's will as it is. His will. I read somewhere that people will only change when they have no choice. That is true. Although Allah may have given mankind utter free will, we are still limited by our comfort zones and false beliefs about ourselves and what we think we can and cannot do. Man has walked on the moon. So, tell me why is it so difficult for me to make my heart stop missing Yati? Because the accident may have been a reason to end her life. But not enough to end my love for her.

Yati was indeed very fortunate to have a father who was very much involved in her life. He made sure she never needed for anything. It makes me smile to think that her funeral needs were very well organized and taken care of. The family home was huge enough to accommodate the throngs of people who came to say their final farewell to her. I can only dream of such endings. She was a beautiful angel. She deserved the best.

I count my blessings and utter constant prayer to my grandfather, Wan. Currently, he is struggling with many diseases that plague his frail body. His most precious asset is diminishing too, i.e; his mind. Dementia is indeed very cruel. No matter his condition today, I shall always see him as who he is to me. My 'grand' father. He stepped in and took over looking after the needs of my brothers and I simply because my own father wasn't able to. He may be considered a mean person by others but in my eyes, he is loving, caring and very protective of his loved ones. But you would have to be very close to him to know this soft side of him. He showed it to only a selected few. A father takes care of his family out of the sense of duty, responsibility and love. Wan took care of my brothers and I out of love and sincerity. We were never his responsibility. But he made us his. How can such a man be mean?

Oh, I agree that Wan is more than capable of slugging out a good punch in the gut without having to lift his arm or clench his fist. He's not one who minces his words. However, without his hurtful and challenging words to me, I don't think I'd be where I am today. I may not own much in terms of possessions or wealth. But what Wan taught me was more valuable. Integrity, being respectful and respectable, being charitable, being brave, being logical. There is a big difference between knowledge and wisdom. Same goes with regret and guilt. It's important not to confuse guilt with regret. Guilt results from doing something that we knew was wrong "at the time." Regret comes from later learning that we could have done something better. When we understand the difference between guilt and regret, we can move beyond blaming ourselves for what we didn't know or weren't able to do at the time.

Now, I need to recharge my spirit and focus on my uncle who is struggling to breath, just to continue to live. And although such is the condition he is in, he still has not lost his sense of humor. I have been blessed with so many angels and heroes in my life, may they come in forms of relations or friends, near or far. Only the good die young. I pray to Allah I will be spared from being left behind with the scums at the bottom of the barrel. Because without these insensitive and uncouth people, grief, pain, suffering or hurt would be bearable.

"Give sorrow words. The grief that does not speak whispers the o'er-fraught heart, and bids it break." - William Shakespeare

Blessings Through Time.

Wow!! Happy 45th birthday, Johana!! Yup. Those are the words I am forcing my brain to repeat ad nauseam. If I sound a tad ungrateful, let me explain why. These are not excuses. These are solid reasons.

Short of 25 days from my 43rd birthday, my soul brother, my beloved Mad, passed away suddenly to a heart attack. I grieved for more than a year. Yes. I loved him very much. Still do. Always will. He's still someone I trust. And recently, short of 5 days from my 45th birthday, my much loved cousin, Aizati Aishah Aziz passed away suddenly from an auto mishap. She was nothing less than an angel in our lives.... well, at least in mine. Although we didn't meet as often as we would've liked to, whenever we did, its like we were never apart. You know what I mean, right...? I haven't enough words to describe these two angels. Mad and Yat. My two angels. They were both Gemini. They were both taken too soon. They both were the kindest and gentlest souls I've ever had the honor of knowing. They both touched my life in such indescribable ways.

Today, as I greet my 45th year on earth, I can't help missing them both. I wish they were still around to keep my life rich and happy. But this life isn't just about me. Its about living. Its about loving. Its about giving. And I had these two angels to teach me how to do it right. Mad's death taught me how to live well and good. Yat's death taught me how to do it with gentle kindness and love.

I am lucky and blessed because I got to see 45. Truly, it is a privilege.

Touched by an Angel

As We Look Back

As we look back over time
We find ourselves wondering .....
Did we remember to thank you enough
For all you have done for us?
For all the times you were by our sides
To help and support us .....
To celebrate our successes
To understand our problems
And accept our defeats?
Or for teaching us by your example,
The value of hard work, good judgement,
Courage and integrity?
We wonder if we ever thanked you
For the sacrifices you made.
To let us have the very best?
And for the simple things
Like laughter, smiles and times we shared?
If we have forgotten to show our
Gratitude enough for all the things you did,
We're thanking you now.
And we are hoping you knew all along,
How much you meant to us.


I love you, Yati. See you soon.

Aizati Aishah Aziz Bt Abdul Ghani (1.6.1975 - 24.1.2010)
Al Fatihah.

Proof of Love

Action Speaks Louder Than Words. Lord knows how many times this phrase has been used, misused and abused. And, truly, no one is to be blamed for this. Not everyone expresses their emotions through spoken words. Some do better by acts of love.

Many expect their beloved to say "I love you" frequently. However, if you're a bottomless pit, no amount of romantic words will ever fill you up! There are also those who have specific currencies for love, or at least the value of love. Roses, chocolates, jewelry, romantic dinner dates, expensive trips. Like as if the value of love is attached to the price tags of these so called token of love. Cheh!

Now, I'm not gonna be a hypocrite and say I was never like these shallow people when I was much younger. Heck, when my husband forgot to buy me a Valentine card many years ago, I was so upset beyond apologies until he was forced to call my mom to help me calm down! See!? That's how foolishly shallow I was. Although my logic then was to amass these 'tokens of love' for me to pass down to my children and theirs. Shallow sentimentalist that I was.

However, after being in an authentically happy relationship for more than 20 years, I have grown up to learn that a dipper filled with water by my husband is as wonderful as "I love you" because of the thoughtfulness behind it. Acts of affection took place of words of love.

Can you love someone so much to the point of becoming arrogant enough to think that you know what's best for them? Do you love someone for yourself or for who they truly are? Selfish love versus selfless love.

Over the past few years, I have had the blessings of God to learn about unconditional love. It means to love someone for who they are and not for who you wanna change them to be. We all want unconditional love and acceptance. And yet we attach conditions and terms as to how we are to be loved and shown affection to? Ridiculous, isn't it?

I have learned to love so much to the point of letting them be who they are. Respect the difference and accept their truth. I have learned that love is not enough to bring about happiness. Everyone has the need to be free to be who they really are. Everyone has the right to be loved as who they truly are. Trying to change the other person without changing ourselves is utter egotism. That is not love.

I have also learned to love myself through acceptance and understanding from the significant others in my life They accept me as who and what I am without question. Curiosity yields understanding. Understanding produces acceptance without having the urge to change anything.

When someone does something for you that they've never done before for anyone else, that's love. Even when fatigue overcomes, they don't sigh. They keep smiling and still do it. Anything for love. That is indeed priceless. The recipient of such acts will be made to feel precious!

Proof of love can't be seen with the naked eye. It can only be felt by a sensible heart.


“It is easy to lay claim to love, But the proof of it remains otherwise." - Rumi

The Dream That Was.

Walking up the entrance of the old house, memories of plans and dreams unfulfilled comes gushing through like a floodwater. Pictures of yesteryears pulled at my heartstrings, left me wondering if once upon a time, a long time ago, we were indeed happy and in love. I find myself nearing the end of the road. I can't go on anymore. Not another step. I've come to realize that I have been living in my idealistic mind. I believed myself to see things the way it should be rather than what it really was. And now, I grieve.

How did I come to this? Why couldn't I see things as what they were? Is it wrong to dream and strive to achieve the best I can attain in life and love? After all, my needs are simple. Love. A sense of security. To have someone to take care of me for a change. I am not one who would ask for a diamond ring for my finger, a silk carpet for the living room, a fancy car or expensive holidays. Is it so difficult to give me the things that I need? They don't cost a thing. But your currency of love expressions is the price tags on material things.

You've had your breaks. You've had your chance. You've been given your lot. And you made it clear that only you decide what to do with what is yours. And you did. Now look at the nothingness that's left in your life.

Whatever I have done and given goes unappreciated and ignored. Its never enough. Now, I have nothing left. I gave my everything. You may account your losses in terms of monetary possessions. I gave you my life.

Now I am ready to take it back. I reclaim my life as my own. I don't need anything from you anymore. Once upon a time, you were the perfect one for me. Somehow, along the way, a few years ago, you died. You are no longer you. You are a stranger to me. Someone I no longer recognize.

I may have about a quarter of my life span left. Let me live it the way I want it to be. I'm done doing things your way. I'm broken. I am broken. Let me have what's left of my life to put myself back together again. Who knows who I will become. Because I know, right now, I am no longer the me you knew. Have mercy on me. Let me go.