Thursday, January 25, 2007

I wasn't laughing then, but now I am...

As anyone who follows this blog can see, it has been more than a month since my last entry. Although it would be easier for me to just blame it on laziness or lack of inspiration, my conscience is screaming out to be heard. So, here we go again...

To describe the past months of my life as an adventure, would be an understatement. Those to whom I have had the courage to share my inner thoughts and feelings can testify that it has been, indeed, a very scary experience. To be made to understand the true meaning of the expression "a change of heart" is no where near a predictable roller coaster ride. One moment you may have indifference in your heart, and the next minute you are thrown into a tailspin of emotional upheavals. Truly, Allah has our hearts in His All Mighty hands.

My soul sister had just come home from performing her haj. Before she left, she asked me if there was a prayer I wanted her to say on my behalf. I didn't have to tell her what I needed. She knew instinctively what to ask for me. And she did. Now, I am all the more convinced that Allah actually listens! Almost all of my inner wishes have been granted, alhamdulillah. I am back to my normal self now.

Having been the control freak most of my life, losing control of my emotions was not funny.... at all! I couldn't make myself feel what I wanted to feel, and couldn't make myself unfeel what I didn't want to feel. My only regret throughout all of this is my decision to share my experiences and inner feelings with people whom I thought could handle it. I have been made to realise that most people tend to take things too personally.... even when it isn't about them. It was about me and me alone! So, while I was going through the emotional motions, they were also caught up in the ups and downs. Poor souls... I should have just shut my trap!

Anyway, its all in the past now. I have learnt that everything is a mental state of mind and emotional state of heart. Everything is interpreted according to these conditions. Mild as it may sound, it is far from that. Ask anyone who is in the throes of being in love or going through the agony of having lost the feeling of love for someone they ought to love. Love can be so fragile and sturdy at the same time. Funny how love is.... I wasn't laughing then, but now I am...

But is it really over...?

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