At The End of a Good Day

Today started out really good for me. I had a haircut, after more than 2 years since the last time I had anything done to my hair. Later on in the night, I gave a lecture on what it takes to be a counselor. I was definitely in my element, as the subject is definitely one of my great favorites. I had the class break out into moments of huge laughter as I lace information with humor and wit. That felt SO good!

So, why is it, at the end of such a wonderfully fulfilling day, I find myself sitting down at the kitchen table, nursing an ache in my heart? I know the source of it. It is my inner child. Little Ana. She has been through so much since I rescued her from her dark and unhappy 'home.' I promised her many things, among them is to protect her from any form of harm. I can feel her unhappiness. I can feel her frustrations at the limited amount of free time for her to come out of her hiding from the world. I can feel her confusion. I can feel her fear. What does she fear? Anger. Uncertainty. Instability. Being forgotten.

A few months ago, she chose a page from a coloring book. It had words on it which read along the lines of "I've decided I don't wanna grow up." A colleague of mine did mention that there's a possibility she will not grow up and mature fast enough to catch up with me. In fact, there's a huge chance she might regress into infancy stage where she perceives to be safer that this world.

Ever since I began working full time, I hardly have enough free time to allow her any form of indulgence; even simple ones such as coloring or even blowing bubbles. Poor little girl has such simple needs. Yet, even those are difficult for me to fulfill. I look forward to Ramadhan with the hope that it will bring me more leisure time to allocate for Little Ana.

She had endured so much physical abuse prior to me rescuing her. She was on the receiving end of an extremely angry mother and a neglectful father. I crack my head trying to figure out a way to comfort her. She's in her shell most often than not, and I believe she needs that shell as a baby would need a security blanket. People gave her things when it is people that she needed; not things. And the saddest part of all is how people always put other things as priority over her. I pray to Allah that He will bless me with the opportunity to keep my promises to Little Ana. However, I am keeping one promise right now and always: I will never allow any angry people around you, sweetheart. You've suffered enough. Now, rest easy. We are home. I love you, precious.

Watermark Perspective.

I noticed my office window was dirty with dried grimy water marks on it. I wanted to clean it but the window frames are screwed shut. And I thought, "Oh, well. If I can't clean the outside, I'll just give the inside a good scrub." To my surprise, the dirty surface was on the inside, not on the outside! This taught me a lesson: when you look at something and you see dirt, make sure it's that thing that is dirty, not your mind or your heart. How everything appears depends on what's inside of you. If your inner filter is dirty, everything you look at will seem dirty too. 

So, This is How it Feels Like...

It's been almost a year since I began lecturing. What a transition from more than 2 decades of counseling in private practice. Although I still see clients from MY Confidential, my role as a lecturer has taught me many things, to say the least.

As I ponder upon the many personalities I have encountered throughout my private practice, I can't help but notice the similarities in the struggles people bravely face in the process of improving their lives and their selves among my clients as well as those among my students.

Teaching psychology is not easy. Learning psychology, as a student, is a lot harder especially when every lesson makes you look at yourself and your life in different lights. I still remember my own battles with each step I took during my own education. How I resisted to let go of my comfort zone. How I resisted to let go of my filters which were distorted by my own personal traumas and issues. How I was always conscious of my own shortcomings and weaknesses; and how I truly believed that everyone could see my faults as clearly as I saw myself. I was defensive. I was eager to fix myself but at the same time, I was a resistent client. As I began working in private practice and now as a lecturer, I can't deny seeing my own resistance in clients I counseled and students I taught. Their struggles and mine are the same. Fear.

I describe myself as a counseling psychologist who lectures. Somehow, doing this came naturally to me. My approach in counseling have mostly been didactic in nature. Teaching clients to see their selves differently. Educating clients by showing them more effective ways of improving their coping skills. That is what I do. Therefore, I am comfortable in accepting this description of myself as most apt.

So, this is how it feels like to be an educator. There is pure joy when students appreciate what you do for them. There is pure joy in seeing them bloom into potentially superb counselors. There is pure joy in believing that I have a role in them becoming mental health professionals who would go out there and make a difference in the world. Pure joy.

Happy 50th Birthday, Mad.

Dearest Mad,

You would have turned 50 today, Mad. You've returned home to our Creator 7 years ago and you still remain the best person I ever had as a friend. I still grieve for you and I don't think I will ever stop missing your and the friendship we had. You will remain my most trusted friend because you always had my back. You made our friendship the topmost priority in your life, over your own personal life. I never expected to ever have a friend who would be willing to do that. But that was exactly what you did. That was your way of showing loyalty to me. And that's why my trust in you is infinite and everlasting.

May Allah has placed your soul amongst the righteous. And I sincerely pray that you will ask for me when you're in heaven so I can have a chance to step foot in it too because God knows how much I've sinned. I pray for this just so I can get a chance to meet you again to thank you personally for all that you've done and been to me throughout our friendship.

Al Fatihah for Mohamad Abdul Rahman Zubaidi Al Hasawi.

Before Everything Goes Black

Of late, the enemies who are not mine have become more and more ruthless. Despite it all, I keep the smiles on my lips, do as much as I can to not be defeated. I strive to keep my life as normal as possible because the nights are dark and painful as hell. The sight in my right eye is going, the pains in my head that goes right down my spine are excruciating, and my speech is slowing down to silence. And my heart is suffering blows of painful punches. 

I tell myself "you're a warrior, woman!" And I keep getting up after each blow. Despite it all, as far as the world is concerned, I'm fine. 

But just in case things go downhill steeply after this, I'm gonna post photos of the proofs that I've fought this battle with courage and creativity. Below are are among the things I've made with wire. 

If my condition worsens, this may be the last entry on this blog. It may also mean I  won't be able to continue doing work, helping people, or sing, or teach, or bake or make jewelry anymore. I have faith Allah has His reasons to allow this upon me. 

A Full Circle

Student of Psychology Counseling in UKM in 2001. Lecturer for Masters in Counseling Psychology at HELP University in 2015. Whoa! If someone had told me, when I was in primary school, busy playing pranks on teachers and joking about with friends, that I would one day become a lecturer, I would have laughed my head off and tell them that's the biggest joke ever! And now, that's exactly what I am doing, albeit a part time lecturer. 

It's been a very trying and challenging months since I turned 50. I did resolve that the rest of my life would be the best of my life. I did not expect the highs to be so high and the lows to be so so low. But I refuse to write about the lows. There's no point in dwelling on something that's gone.

In the past, I have done human resource training programs for big corporations. I discovered that lecturing is not much different from that. Usually, before I embark on a new endeavor or doing something I've never done, I would try to find a role model of sort; someone whom I can emulate. I recall the way all the teachers I've had throughout primary and secondary schools, as well as lecturers in colleges and universities. One thing I realized is that the best educators are those who are passionate about teaching and also about the subject they are teaching. 

I was fortunate to have attended Dr Neimeyer's talk on Experiential Learning and he examplied every word he uttered. His talk was so engaging and interactive, bringing us to take a concrete fact and look at it in abstract ways. I learned a lot from Bob and I am grateful for his lessons. And now I get to apply it in my lectures.

After my first solo class (I share the same subject with another part-time lecturer), several of my students came up to me after class and shared their feelings about being my students. Their inputs were both encouraging and helpful. I thoroughly enjoyed lecturing and I hope there will be more opportunities for me to continue doing this.

Currently, I am writing my research proposal for my Ph.D.  I am thankful to all those who have gone out of their ways to assist me in obtaining the journals I need in order for me to complete this task and apply to a local university. 

I wish all my loved ones whom have passed away are able to see what I am doing with my life right now; especially Bapak Abu Hassan. He never stopped egging me on to go for greater heights. He saw my potential way before I saw it. He was very much like my late grandfather; having confidence in me before I learned to have it on my own.

What the past few months have taught me is that life can change in a split second. One moment you're feeling most happy and the next, it all dies in a pile of mangled metal. I can only do the best I can with what I have, with what I know, with people who appreciate having me in their lives. I have given my all and done my best to help as many people as I could. Also, now I understand how so many people complain about not having something when in actuality they did have it all along but they didn't appreciate it because it was not in the manner they expected it to be. So, they throw it away. 

In order to remain relevant in whatever field you're in, you need to be able to evolve and not be afraid of change. When I come to the end of my life, may my last effort be spent on making the world a better place and may my last breath be uttering the syahadah. Ameen.

I Want to be Ugly

Original source:  http://educateinspirechange.org/inspirational/everyone-warned-touch-guy/