A True King

End of 1989 was the peak of my singing career. I was lucky if I had 4 days of rest. I had just finished competing in Kingsway's Pesta Pujaan and I was on the roll. I had engaged a very good friend to help manage my gigs and preparations for shows. I also had a team which consisted of a wardrobe designer, choreographer, back up dancers and musicians. 

I was known for my unique repertoire of singing jazz standards with contemporary musical arrangements. During my early years in singing, I was always the singer who was asked to perform during dinner. I found that quite demotivating, as I would hardly get anyone's attention when they are all busy satisfying their hunger for food. I lamented this to my mom. She said, "Take it as a challenge! Sing so well that they will put down their cutleries and turn to watch you sing!" And so I did. I chose my songs carefully, purposefully avoided cliche numbers, and I put it to the test. Mom was right! The satisfaction of seeing people stop eating and turning around to watch me sing gave me such a rush!

When Sultan Azlan Shah became the Yang di-Pertuan Agong, he requested for me to sing for one of his official functions at the National Palace. I was so pleased that I was accompanied by a wonderful orchestra. It was an open air dinner function and it was such a glittering night. I remember that night so vividly. When dinner was served, I was cued to start singing. I sang Fred Astaire's "They Can't Take That Away From Me" and when I turned to look at His Majesty who was seated right in front of the stage, I saw him put down his cutleries and gave me his full attention! And after several more jazz standard songs, I ended my singing and His Majesty gave me a very long applause. And the rest of the audience did not stop applauding until the King stopped! Bliss...

I'm sure you know by now, given the news of his passing, where I am leading this entry to. It's this: I don't care for other people's opinions on him. I don't care if there's any truth to what's being said of him. All I know is that His Majesty Sultan Azlan Shah was a true king who touched people's hearts. He was a wise king. He was a caring king. I have sung for many royalties and dignitaries during my singing years. But he remains the best audience I have ever had. He paid attention to my talents and appreciated it. He was generous in his comments and compliments. He was a loyal fan of mine. And that is how I will always remember him. 

May Allah bless your soul with His Loving Mercy. May He forgive all your sins and include you among those He loves most of all. May your soul meet the soul of our beloved Shaykh and your prince. May Allah grant you Jannah in eternity. Inna lillahi wa inna illaihi raji'un. 

Putting the Pieces Back Together Again.

I've always been aware that I had splinters of different personalities in me. Three main characters with contrasting traits: Johana, Joe and Ana.

Johana is the first person everyone meets. She's very friendly, approachable and warm. But at the same time, she is fiercely private, keeps people at an arm's length, only showing the public what she allows them to see. She's the performer. The artist. The singer. The public figure. She does not tolerate fools and she doesn't take crap from anyone. She's opinionated and speaks her mind.

Joe, on the other hand, is a tomboy who loves to play football with the boys. She's a rebel and she is very defensive. She protects and defends the underdogs. She doesn't think twice about getting into a fist fight with anyone. She mostly dresses in jeans, t-shirt, and a baseball cap. When she's angry, she reaches for her baseball bat and doesn't hesitate to swing it at anyone who tries to hit her.

Ana is a very feminine personality. She loves being a wife and mother. She loves cooking, baking and sewing. She loves floral print dresses and is a very sensitive individual. She easily cries when watching soppy romance movies. She's kind hearted, ultra sensitive and is afraid of anger.

I believe these personalities came into being as a way for me to cope with the traumas I had suffered throughout my childhood. Ana is too fragile and gets easily bullied by others. Joe came into being to protect Ana from abuse. Joe fights back. Johana puts herself so far apart from others to the point she becomes untouchable by others. 

A few months ago, I started working on putting myself back together again. I could have done it a lot sooner but the main obstacle was that Johana and Joe were angry and ashamed of Ana for being such a wimp. Both Johana and Joe resented Ana for not fighting back when she was abused. It was never Ana's character to fight back. She takes and takes and when she can't take it anymore, she breaks. And then Joe will step in to get the abuse to stop and Johana will put a distance between Ana and the abuse.

During one of the therapy sessions with my psychiatrist, he asked me what I thought of myself. I asked him, "Who are you asking?" That was when he discovered I was splintered. There and then, the process of putting myself back together again began. He convinced Ana that she's not a wimp. Ana is the strongest of all because she took the abuse while Johana and Joe ran away. Johana said she would never have allowed anyone to treat her like crap. Joe said she would have hit back. They both saw Ana as weak. They were wrong and they were made to realise their mistake. They were made to apologise to Ana. Since then, Johana, Joe and Ana has merged. I am whole again.

Of course I have simplified the lengthy process with just a summary and the outcome. But the process was indeed very difficult and trying. In the end, it was all worth all the tears I had shed. And now I need to say something to the 5 year old me: the child who suffered and survived so many heartbreaking abuse.

Dearest sweet Ana,

I'm so sorry you were dethroned when your younger brother was born. I'm sorry you lost your place as the centre of the universe in your parents' eyes. I'm sorry you were the punching bag for mom to let out her frustrations. I'm sorry for the betrayals you endured. I'm sorry for the whelp marks left on your tiny body and the whipping that caused your eyes to bleed. I'm sorry you were molested and it went unnoticed. I'm sorry you were blamed and beaten for things you did not do. 

You deserve to be happy. You do not need to feel guilty because you did nothing wrong. In fact, many people should apologise to you for what they had done onto you. You deserve peace of mind. You deserve to be loved unconditionally. You deserve to be heard. You deserve to be notice. 

Do know that you are beautiful. Do know that you are brave. Do know that you are a wise soul. Do know that you're kind hearted and generous. Do believe that you are loved and needed. Do believe that you are appreciated and cared for. Do believe that you deserve honesty. Do believe that you do not need to tolerate anymore lies. You have suffered unnecessarily. You have suffered enough. There's no need for you to carry on punishing yourself for what others have wrongly blamed you. 

It's okay for you to love yourself. That does not make you selfish or self-centred. You need to take good care of yourself, Ana. You must know and believe your self worth. Be wary of the deceit from others. Not everyone is as sincere and genuine as you are. You are a gifted soul. Use your gifts well and make God proud of you.

Forgive others for their transgressions. There's no benefit in holding a grudge against them. it will only burden your soul and taint your pure heart. Enough is enough. Stand up. Stand tall. Speak up and let yourself be heard. You matter to the world. You are a survivor. You are a champion. And that's the truth you deserve to know.

It's safe now. You can come out of your cave. There's no need for caves anymore. You've always had a place on earth. Claim what is yours and be proud of your virtues. You're a beautiful you. Thank you. 

What Do You See?

When you look at me, tell me what you see. Do you see the fine lines on my forehead getting deeper and more profound? Do you see the absence of nicely defined eyebrows? Do you see my droopy eyelids? Do you see my tired eyes hidden behind grey contact lenses? Do you see the little crows feet at the outer edges of my eyes? Do you see the eye bags that ages me ever so suddenly? Do you see the little sunspots that can no longer be passed off as freckles? Do you see the gaunt look on my face? Do you see how my lips are no longer full and luscious?

Or do you see the lines on my forehead as a result of years of worrying for others? Do you see how little attention I pay to applying make up on my face? Do you see my laugh lines? Do you see what night time crying does to these windows to my soul?

I've never been a woman who thinks of herself as beautiful. Thirty years ago, one man made me feel beautiful without even saying anything. It was never his words. It was always how he paid attention to every little thing I said. It was in the way he remembers every detail... Except for the part that he lit up my cigarette with a lighter and forgot that I smoke.

I wonder if anyone really truly sees me as who and what I genuinely am. I wonder if they see me through filters of their ideals, or a memory of something that never really happened. I guess I'm too often stuck in my own head that I find it surreal when really nice things happen to me in reality.

What do I see when I look in the mirror? I see lost youth. I see ageing. I see fatigue. I see anxiety. I see sadness. I see battle weariness. I see scars of forgotten fights. I see fresh wounds of abandonment that still bleeds. But I also see the sacrifices I've made for my loved ones. I don't see any regrets for that.

I see passion for my profession. I see the determination to leave a mark in the hearts of mankind before I leave this world. I see promises made and promises broken. I see hope. I see love. I see forgiveness. I see Him. Do you?

My Life Path Number 6

My dear friend in Houston, Bart McSherry, told me about a website on numerology. I checked it out and it turns out that my Life Path is number 6. The description of my personality is spookily accurate. Read it for yourself:

Life Path Number 6

You possess great compassion and seek to be of service to others. 

You have concern for the weak and the downtrodden. You are a healer and a helper to others. You are capable of giving comfort to those in need and will frequently offer a shoulder for others to cry on. Your task in life is to develop the tools necessary to be truly helpful to others, rather than to simply be a sympathetic ear. 

You must find the balance between help and interference. In the same way, you must learn the delicate art of the counselor who knows when to leave the struggle to others and when to avoid taking away the necessary experiences and lessons of life. You are naturally balanced. Therefore, you are well equipped to support and ground others in times of trial.

You Strive For Balance

It is in your nature to take on responsibility - you often fill the void left by others - and do not turn away from personal sacrifice. At times, you may feel overburdened by the travails of others. However, the love others bestow upon you is your well deserved reward. You try to maintain harmony within the family or group, balancing and fusing divergent forces. 

You seek marriage and are often a wonderful parent, offering warmth, protection, and understanding to children. You are generous, kind, and attractive. You are often admired even adored which baffles you. You are humble and yet you carry a deep pride.

Avoid Sweet Foods

You move well and gracefully, but will have to work to stay in shape. Seek out physical exercise and limit the sweets and dairy you crave to keep yourself from becoming plump and round. 

Choose Your Relationships Carefully

When young, you must be careful not to chose partners for the wrong reasons. Do not let sentimentality influence your decision, especially those involving the choice of a spouse. You need to be needed, but must learn to discriminate between those you can help and others who are made weaker by your care. After all, it is in your nature to be attracted to the weaker brothers and sisters among us.

Appreciate Your Talents

The temptation and the danger for you is to think of yourself as the savior of the world, carrying the burdens of others on your shoulders. You are blessed with musical talent, as well as in the visual and performing arts. However, your creativity may well be suppressed due to your willingness to sacrifice, or your inability to fully appreciate your talents. This is not to say that you cannot excel in these areas; on the contrary, you have the talent, and with effort you can make a success in a number of artistic fields.

You also have enormous talent in business. You are blessed with a great deal of charm and charisma, which you use effectively to attract the people and support you need.

Bart made me promise to include his Life Path in this entry. His number is 1. I think he's a Trekkie. Hehehe..

Life Path Number 1

You are a born leader.

As a life path 1 you insist on your right to make up your own mind; you demand freedom of thought and action. You have drive and determination. You don't let anything or anyone stand in your way once you are committed to your goal. 

Life path 1's assume the responsibility to be the protector and provider for those you love. You demand respect and attention and become irritated and even domineering when important things do not go your way. 

Life Path 1, You Like The Spotlight

You need to feel in command of important undertakings, and resist supportive roles. You seek the forefront and the limelight. You are exceptionally creative and original and possess a touch of the unusual. Your approach to problems is unique and you have the courage to wander from the beaten path. You can be impatient with your shortcomings and those of others.

Life path 1's are very concerned with their status and foster the appearance of success and self-satisfaction. The need to appear well off propels you to strive for growth, success and the finer things of life. You should watch out for selfishness, conceit and the over-concern with appearance. 

Learn To Stay Calm

You must guard against overzealous behavior, anger and aggressiveness. If these qualities are not brought under control you could become excessively domineering, vindictive and even violent. 

You perform best when you are left to your own devices. Ideally you should own your own business and be your own boss. Hold fast to your life's dream and work with the determination you possess to realize it. You can become overly stressed by your driven nature. 

Be careful about the food you eat and maintain an exercise program you enjoy. Competition sports are often a healthy outlet for a person with your drive, particularly sports involving running and swimming. Don't let pride and overconfidence be your masters. Remember, your talents and abilities are a gift from a higher source, which should promote gratitude and humility, rather than pride and conceit.

More often than not a person with a 1 Life Path will achieve much in life as long as the drive, creativity, originality and pioneering spirit are fully employed!

If you're interested in checking out your own Life Path, click here.

Thank you, Bart. Now it all makes perfect sense. You're my bestest buddy. Hahahaha...!

Legacy of Divorce: Holding it Together with Duct Tape and Glue

Divorce is such a normal thing in this new age of technology and science. More than 30 years ago, there were stigmas attached to children of broken homes. Society expects them to be failures at life, losers, scum of the earth, trouble makers, and whatever else that's negative. Even some of my relatives expected me to get pregnant out of wedlock, become a drug addict, drop out of school, or all of the above. Their 'kind' exchanges with us were often laced with sweet sarcasm and disguised disgust. It hurt deeply to hear people whisper behind our backs, saying things like, "Poor kids. They are gonna grow up to be losers." Unfortunately, we disappointed them.

If it weren't for my mother's strict parenting and my grandfather's strong conviction on how important education is, maybe my relatives and the sceptics might have had something to rejoice and celebrate. Of course they weren't able to empathise. They came from intact families. Their parents stayed together (regardless of the reasons for it) until their dying day. How can they possibly understand what challenges we faced. At their best, they may have been able to imagine how it must have been like for us. But in the end, their ignorance surpasses their efforts to understand. So, we were given the only thing they can muster: sympathy.

My mother is a strong willed, independent and principled woman. Through her example, I learnt that there's very little women cannot do. She frequents DIY shops to purchase tools in order for her to fix whatever that needed fixing around the house. She worked day and night to put food on the table and the clothes on our backs. She scrimped and saved just so we can afford a budget holiday once a year. Her father may have been a very rich man, but she insisted on being financially independent. 

While mom was busy at work, I became the caretaker of my brothers. Being the eldest child comes with a huge sense of serious responsibility. We had to take care of each other, because others had turned their backs on us. We became second class citizens within our own family circle. We were the lepers.

My brothers and I may not be among the most successful people in our country. We have no assets to call our own. We have no riches to splurge on frivolous wants. We worked hard because we didn't have the support that should have been provided by those who are related to us. In fact, many were just waiting for us to mess up or fail, just so they can smirk and bitch about how mom has failed as a single mother.

Despite it all, despite the inevitable occasional disputes and disagreements thats normal to have in a family and among siblings, we stuck together. We do this because we had no one else. My grandfather took us under his wings and adopted responsibilities that weren't his. He loved us deeply and we felt every ounce of it.

Whenever I enter the home of an intact family, with both parents being actively involved in the wellbeing of their children, it leaves me feeling very poor. Not financially poor. Just the deep sense of deprivation: the absence of a father living with us: an intact family.

Yes, I am fragile in that way. I believe my brothers feel the same way too. But we don't talk about it. We just fight through the tears and heartache and move on. We move on together. Mom and dad are my parents. But my brothers are my family. That sums up all the reasons why I do the things I do to keep things together. 

And now, my brothers and I focus only on one thing: caring for mom. Whatever makes her happy. Whatever gives her peace of mind. Whatever that makes her smile and laugh. Whatever that we can do to care for her health. These are our top most priority. She never abandoned us. She never left us. She stayed on and fought hard to keep us together. We will do whatever it takes to keep it that way.

A Blessing in Disguise

Several years ago, my mom suffered from a slight stroke that rendered her speech slurred. It happened shortly after her father passed away. As a result, she became quiet, disoriented at times, unable to indulge in her favorite hobby, which was reading. The slight facial paralysis she had at the time has slowly faded and her smile and facial expressions are no longer lopsided. However, she still remained quieter than before and whenever she spoke, her words still came out slurry at times. 

When she took a very bad fall recently, the right side of her head hit the floor and bled badly. And because she has been on blood thinner due to aggressive diabetes, she bled profusely. The baby blue baju kurung she was wearing was soaked in blood. All those who loves her, feared the worst. She looked so frail and it broke my heart to see how my strong mother had been reduced to this thin and fragile little woman.

However, as she slowly recovers, her head injury stopped bleeding the next day and she was able to move around unaided, albeit a little wobbly.  As the days go by, her physical strength grew and her appetite improved. But the best part is this: her speech is no longer slurred! She's back to her talkative self, participating in active conversations with her loved ones and is now able to express her thoughts and opinions without any paused hesitation or broken train of thought! Somehow, the blow to the right side of her head may have released whatever pressure she had suffered in her temporal lobe area during her mild stroke several years ago.

As difficult as it is to see an accident as a blessing, apparently this is exactly what had happened to my mother. The way I see it, this is Allah's way of reminding us that He is indeed God, Most Loving and Most Powerful. And that He knows what's best for us, for His love for us infinitely surpasses the love of any or all mortals put together. 

Mom's head injury has now scabbed and healing. And the same goes for my own emotional wounds. Faith restored. I'm deeply grateful that He never gives up on me. And He never grows tired of being patient with me and my shortcomings. Alhamdulillah. 

Taking care of mom is the most important and significant mission of my life. And I feel honored to be her only daughter. I feel blessed and grateful to be her first born. I truly believe God has blessed me with the best mother I can ever have. She's my mother and she's a fighter. All that I am, she shaped me. Now, it's my turn to give my best to her. She will never forsake or abandon me. And neither will I. 

Minus Two, Plus Two.

What's the value in having the respect of strangers when your own flesh and blood are ashamed of you? You may have been a straight A student with brains oozing out of your ears while I was the joker, the dunce, the girl who always got called to the principal's office because she forgot to do her homework. What would you understand about what it's like to be a child of a broken home when you're so blessed with having a teacher as your mom to tutor you for free.

So now you are surrounded by socialites and you think it's okay to belittle me and talk down at me in front of our friends because you're on the cover of elite magazines. As "wild" as I may have been, I've NEVER dragged my family name through mud like you did. Just be grateful my mom brought me well enough to not mouth you off! Well, I must credit you for the best lesson I've learnt from your own words, "With you as a friend, who needs enemies." You got it, sistah! Adios! This dunce will never "talk about your work" anymore. And you can keep that "unfinished business of yours." You both could've save a lot of people plenty of heartaches and annoyance by just being honest with yourselves and each other. 

I'm done.