Wishing on a Prayer

Salaam, everyone. I have a favor to ask. All this while, I've asked and gotten support and prayers from you for my husband and family members during their challenging times. This time, I'm asking for myself.

Unknowingly, I've been battling major depression and other disorders that come with that diagnosis. With the help of an awesome doctor, I've been on prescribed medication for almost a month. As a result, I am now able to live my life in such a way I couldn't do for many years. I've begun with a total makeover and now jump starting my daily life with the hope that the rest of my life would be the best years of my life.

Some may disapprove of my 'public' admission but I have never pretended to be a perfect human being. I also am confident this would make me a better counselor than I've ever been before. 

I know Allah has equipped me with the strength to survive whatever He deems me fit to face. I'm grateful for my loving husband who never fails to hold me together each time I fall apart. 

So, I would really appreciate if you could spare a doa for me and maybe a few words of encouragement. Thank you so much to all of you who have chosen to share moments of your lives with me. Jazakallahu khayr, in advance. 

P/S: I'm starting Jazzercize classes today. Wish me luck! 

Dodging Depression

I believe this is one of the hardest entry yet for me to write. But I truly believe this needs to be done, staying true to the original purpose of this blog as a dumping place for my internal dialogues. So here goes nothing.

Last Wednesday, for the first time in my entire life, I visited a psychiatrist. And after answering all his probing questions, I was diagnosed as having a mood disorder: Depression. In all honesty, that felt like a grenade exploding in my head. Apparently, all these years I have been battling insomnia, anxiety, weight gain, etc; it was merely dealing with symptoms of depression. Affirmation wouldn't quite describe it for me. It was more like a revelation. Well, at the very least, I didn't take the short cut and be quick at labeling myself with that disorder. In fact, I did everything in my power of control to dodge it! Way to go, Johana! There must be some form of achievement there, somewhere.

Anyone who knows me well would have seen how hard I fought these symptoms, using all kinds of therapies, including alternative and mainstream medicine. I believed in supplementing my body's deficiencies by taking vitamins, using healing properties of gemstones, undergoing acupuncture, reiki... the whole nine yards. Those treatments worked temporarily. Obviously, because I wasn't dealing with the real source of the problem.

My biggest stumbling block has always been trust. I have difficulties trusting people. Because when I do trust, I do it wholeheartedly and explicitly. I trusted the psychiatrist because he came highly recommended by my supervisor and he spoke highly of this professional and very experienced specialist. My psychiatrist was quick to add that the medication he prescribed for me is derived from melatonin and that I should be alright between 3 weeks to 3 months, depending on my degree of depression as well as the factors contributing to my condition.

How do I feel about my diagnosis? Relieved. For once, someone validates and justifies why I felt the way I did. Past tense. Why? Because most of the negative emotions I had have ebbed away. I am grateful for this relief, although deep in my heart, I wish I had trusted someone sooner to help me with what I had. I recognize the fact that it may not be over just yet. I am still somewhat shaky, but definitely a lot stable than I have felt in a long, long time. I am finally able to feel happiness, joy and peace of mind. For as long as I can remember, I have felt only one thing: numb. Not anymore. 

In my previous entry, I wrote that I was beyond fixing. I am glad I was wrong. Allah has finally answered my prayers. Syukur. 

Beyond Fixing

You don't need to say it. I know I'm beyond fixing. There's no cure for what I have. I don't think there's even a word to describe it accurately. You didn't fail me. I'm beyond fixing.

Itchy Fingers Pounding Keys

I'm sorry. There's an absence of enthusiasm in my choice of words for this entry, which is highly unsimilar to entries I've made in the past around the end or beginning of a year. Maybe it's because I am 6 kg overweight due to water retention and my face is veiled with a mask of angry and itchy rashes. 

Let's recap 2012 in a paragraph: besieged by a strange ailment that rendered me unable to speak, the death of my much loved grandfather, the passing of my brother-in-law on my birthday, a fall that caused me to suffer from slipped disc and unable to walk for almost 3 weeks, frozen shoulder that gives me terrible pains and muscle spasms which has lasted until now. In a nutshell, 2012 was hell for me.

Of course, when compared to the plight of those more unfortunate than me, my life would resemble a day in paradise. I mean, I'm hardly starving or dying. Nor am I homeless or penniless. Or many other worse things my morbid mind is capable of conjuring up in this ungodly hour of the night. To be fair, I have survived quite a bit of struggles of my own, although some quarters would accuse me of being a cry baby or drama queen for even mentioning my so called troubles.

But the point is I survived. And I find it truly insulting when someone trivializes my sufferings simply because I survived them. Does pain become nothing after it has stopped? Don't the tears shed mean nothing now that the suffering has ended?

Please excuse my ramblings. I have to keep on typing just so I can stop my fingers from scratching the itchy rashes on my face. Yes. My face is full of rashes. And this is a huge deal for me right now. Wanna know why? Because it's the only one I have to face this world!

Many advice pivot around the same topic. Forget the past. Let it go. But I reckon we need to be careful what we forget and what we let go. Because almost everyone we already have in our lives currently has a part in our past. Are we to forget them too? What exactly are we suppose to forget? Because if everyone I know forgets their past, and since I'm a part of it, I would be forgotten too. And so would they. How would they like to be forgotten?

Apologies. It's not enough to say you're sorry if it doesn't come along with a promise never to do it again. It has to come with a question, "How can I make up for all the wrongs I have done?"An apology does not buy you permission to repeat your misdoings. Forgiveness should not be abused in such manner.

I've come to the realization that I've done a terrible thing: accommodate. I've taken all I was served and refashioned myself until I am beyond recognition. I look at myself in the mirror and I don't know who that stranger is. All in the name of pleasing others. All in the name of tolerance and acceptance. And what has that amounted for me? I've lost myself. I've got nothing left to give. So, what gives?

For those who have the inclination of personalizing anything and everything I write or say, here's a newsflash for you: this is NOT about you. This is MY BLOG. It's about me. These are my thoughts. I use this blog to vent my thoughts. 

The ground is shaky all around me. This is hardly the time to set up a home and grow deep roots. I must wait until there's calmness again. I don't know when that will be. Meanwhile, I plough through. Soldier on, Johana. The world is watching. 

Keeping An Even Keel

It doesn't take a rocket scientist to see that I've barely written a word throughout this year. What can I say except that I've been genuinely speechless... in all sense of the word. My beloved grandfather passed away mid January this year, leaving me silent in grief. And before I could recover from that, I took an awful fall and suffered slipped disc that rendered me unable to walk for almost 3 weeks. Shortly after, my shoulder began to give me searing pains. Apparently, this pain has decided to extend its stay indefinitely.

I guess no one is immune to life's curveballs. This is evident in all the Facebook updates and goes on endlessly in my news feed. Although I notice that generally people do try to keep things brave and inspirational (although I am still uncertain whether that is for their own benefit or for others'), on many occasions, I see rantings and ravings of frustrated souls.

I understand very well how reading relentless complaints can come across as self-absorbed and ungrateful. God knows I'm guilty of doing the very same countless times. But I also often remind myself to make a mention when good things are happening and I am happy. This is my way of striking a balance in my own mind. However, this year has been exceptionally hard on me. And that is why I had decided to remain silent as far as blogging is concerned.

I sense that I am undergoing some internal changes. I am uncertain of many things about myself. Yet, one thing remains the same: The sense of security is very important to me. Now more than ever, I seek to find stability in a holistic manner. Inner peace has eluded me much of this year. As a matter of fact, I have not felt peace for a very long time. I'm still uncertain on how to regain it, if I ever had it at all. There's several weeks left to this year. Lets see how things will unravel.

I must remind myself to remain patient and wait until the dust settles before I make any decisions on what to do next. It's only responsible of me to must test all waters and grounds to ensure all the options I weigh won't collapse under my feet. Meanwhile, I must stand firm on the very spot I'm standing on now and observe my surroundings. I deserve to go for what I seriously need and not settle for anything less. My grandfather always made sure I had a taste of the best of life. I believe he did that simply because he believed I deserve the best. 

I believe that, too. And that's what I shall strive to achieve.

I love you, Wan.

Al Fatihah for Tan Sri Abdul Aziz Bin Zain.

Oh, What the Heck!

I was beginning to notice a pattern in the kind of looks I would consider attractive in a man, through several eye candies I've come across on TV and movies. Apart from the obvious good looks, sharp features, etc; what I find to be most attractive is the smile. But what was most astounding to me is the revelation: their smiles remind me of someone's smile. Dayyum! 

See for yourself!

Brendan Fraser

Ian Somerhalder

Jeffrey Dean Morgan

Robert Downey Jr.

Gary: My first love.

"First romance, first love, is something so special to all of us, both emotionally and physically, that it touches our lives and enriches them forever."- Rosemary Rogers.

A Diary of My Face

In this blog entry, I would like to attempt writing some reflections on what my appearance has meant to me over the years. Obviously, this journey is not over. And neither will this entry be done... Until I am done. 

Come sit by me and take a peek into the windows of my life.

 Age 9

I think my face reflects the precociousness I was well known for during my childhood years. I was brought up to obey but I danced to my own drum beat. 

Age 16

During this stage of my adolescence, I cared very little for the way I looked. I was fun loving, carefree, and a little tomboyish. No make up except for the occasional lip gloss mom would allow me to wear for special events.

Age 20

By this time, I had begun experimenting with make up and discovered hairstyles that could frame my face nicely. I was eager to experience the bright and adventurous world that was awaiting me.

Age 23

I had just returned from the UK and was heavily influenced by the fashion trend of the time. I was into sun tanning and opted for the sun-kissed look with highlighted hair. Yeah, I was bold in my dressing too. When you have it, flaunt it. That was my credo.

Age 25

The big day. I kept my curls natural but my make up could hardly be kept to a bare minimum. I was nervous to begin my life with new roles. My head was full of ideals.

Age 28

The joys of motherhood. I bloomed and matured very quickly when Jazelia was born. I discovered abilities and capabilities I never knew I had. 

Age 31

The birth of Jelissa taught me the true meaning of sacrifice and unconditional love. This was also the year I learned to face my fears. A life changing moment happened during this phase of my life.

Age 36

I have arrived. I found me. I was at peace.

Age 40

I stumbled upon my own inner boundaries that were invisible to me before. I struggled to learn ways to deal with them and communicating them to my loved ones. It wasn't easy. It still isn't.

Age 44

The greatest academic achievement of my life! Graduating with Masters in Counseling Psychology was something I never dreamed I could do. And here it is! I did it!!

Age 46

This is where I am now. My face has acquired some wrinkles and some darn crows have been dancing on the side of my eyes. Yes, some people call them laugh lines. I agree. The wrinkles on my face speak of my journey beyond words. Take a good look at them and you will see the challenges I faced, the tears I cried, the sweat I labored, the anxieties I suffered and the wisdom I've gained having gone through the life that was designed for me and me alone.