I believe this is one of the hardest entry yet for me to write. But I truly believe this needs to be done, staying true to the original purpose of this blog as a dumping place for my internal dialogues. So here goes nothing.
Last Wednesday, for the first time in my entire life, I visited a psychiatrist. And after answering all his probing questions, I was diagnosed as having a mood disorder: Depression. In all honesty, that felt like a grenade exploding in my head. Apparently, all these years I have been battling insomnia, anxiety, weight gain, etc; it was merely dealing with symptoms of depression. Affirmation wouldn't quite describe it for me. It was more like a revelation. Well, at the very least, I didn't take the short cut and be quick at labeling myself with that disorder. In fact, I did everything in my power of control to dodge it! Way to go, Johana! There must be some form of achievement there, somewhere.
Anyone who knows me well would have seen how hard I fought these symptoms, using all kinds of therapies, including alternative and mainstream medicine. I believed in supplementing my body's deficiencies by taking vitamins, using healing properties of gemstones, undergoing acupuncture, reiki... the whole nine yards. Those treatments worked temporarily. Obviously, because I wasn't dealing with the real source of the problem.
My biggest stumbling block has always been trust. I have difficulties trusting people. Because when I do trust, I do it wholeheartedly and explicitly. I trusted the psychiatrist because he came highly recommended by my supervisor and he spoke highly of this professional and very experienced specialist. My psychiatrist was quick to add that the medication he prescribed for me is derived from melatonin and that I should be alright between 3 weeks to 3 months, depending on my degree of depression as well as the factors contributing to my condition.
How do I feel about my diagnosis? Relieved. For once, someone validates and justifies why I felt the way I did. Past tense. Why? Because most of the negative emotions I had have ebbed away. I am grateful for this relief, although deep in my heart, I wish I had trusted someone sooner to help me with what I had. I recognize the fact that it may not be over just yet. I am still somewhat shaky, but definitely a lot stable than I have felt in a long, long time. I am finally able to feel happiness, joy and peace of mind. For as long as I can remember, I have felt only one thing: numb. Not anymore.
In my previous entry, I wrote that I was beyond fixing. I am glad I was wrong. Allah has finally answered my prayers. Syukur.