Next...!

When I look back at my life so far, I can fairly say that I've almost done everything by the book. Got married at 25, had two beautiful and intelligent daughters (Okay... I'm biased!), stayed at home and became a full time mom while my girls were growing up, went back to school to study Psychology Counseling and now I've completed my Masters.

Professionally, I started off as a lounge singer, became a recording artist and was in the entertainment industry for a good 15 years; during which I also practiced counseling, helping youths in need and eventually graduating to becoming a counseling psychologist in private practice. I am contented with my career path and thoroughly enjoy giving counseling to local and expatriate clients alike.

After all the many years of struggling and juggling and eventually completing everything I've set my mind on, I've reached another cross road. To sing again or not.

Thanks to my dear brother and his wonderful talent for composing songs, I've recorded my first single after more than 20 years has passed since the last time I stepped into a recording studio. And after hours of labour, the outcome was surprisingly pleasant sounding in my ears. This came as a big relief for me after many years of wondering if I truly possess the talent I have or I was merely the daughter of a famous maestro. This has nothing to do with the need for fame but more of my sense of identity. Who am I? What do I have? What am I capable of doing?

The late Sudirman Hj Arshad was a qualified lawyer who turned in his barrister's robe for the microphone and a successful career as an entertainer. I remember his advice to me as a young singer when I was just starting out as a recording artist. He said,"If you have decided that this is what you want to do, you need to set goals for yourself and work at achieving the best you can do." I think I have done that as far as my personal life is concerned. But as for my career as an entertainer, I've realized now that I sang for the love of it and didn't really set out to be the greatest star in the Malaysian entertainment world as I'm sure he did.

The difference between Sudirman and me are just too many to count. But one that really stands out in my mind is his decision to choose which career to pursue: Law or Entertainment. His choice was made and the rest is history. However, in my case, I am greedy, I guess. Because I wanna do it all. Why do I have to choose? Why can't I do everything that I enjoy and love? What is holding me back?

People are very fond of using labels. Not just on others but also onto themselves. They define themselves by what they do and what roles they play. They label others the same way. That's all fine and good. But why must there be only one label per person? Why can't one person have more than one role, more than one career?

God has created mankind with many talents. Some talents are inborn while others are learned or acquired. Either way, talent is nothing if we don't use it. Its as good us not having any. The proof of knowledge is by practicing it. The proof of talent is by using it.

So, what am I going to do with myself next? Do I have to choose just so that others can easily label me according to my choice of career or roles? What if I refuse to allow any labels to be attached to me?

Being an Aquarian Dragon that I am, I have a humanitarian streak within me. I have this strong urge to help others in need, to reach out and touch others, to spread the word of hope and love, to inspire. Therefore, I have decided to live my life to the fullest. Since God has given me a voice, I shall sing to bring His love into the hearts of those who have forgotten Him. God has given me the gift of understanding people. So I am going to continue counseling until the day I die. I believe these two paths are heading the same way... just different in its rendition. One is through music and the other is through therapy.

So, I predict people are going to call me The Singing Counselor? Hahahahahaaa.... We'll just have to wait and see. As someone close to my heart once said, "One step at a time, my dear..."

In a Blink of Eye, I Turned 44! Yikes!!

On last January 29th, I turned 44 years old. I was uncertain as to how I would survive the day without breaking down. So I decided to take it one step at a time.

First: As the clock chimed at midnight, my husband and daughters embraced me with their love, kisses and wishes. I'm still alright. No tears. Text messages and phone calls began streaming in from early morning; all laden with greetings and wishes.

Second: I went to work as usual. Part of me was grateful for the distraction. I was determined to do my best counseling on my 44th year on earth. I had two clients. Thoroughly enjoyed my sessions with my clients.

Third: I told my sweet husband that I wanted to go to Ikea to buy a new pedal bin for our bathroom. I was also secretly planning to purchase a piece of crockery item or two for our kitchen. But it began to rain heavily and it was almost 6 pm in the evening and hubby went on to order some pizza for our girls at home because they were hungry.

Fourth: As we reached to condo's car parking lot, I could almost see the dinosaurs and elephants coming down in teems from the sky! Hubby struggled to open the umbrella we always have in our car. We squealed and laughed as we ran through the rain, with the brolly barely keeping us dry from the rain.

Fifth: A sense of relief came over me as I walked through the door. My girls, as usual, asked how my counseling sessions went earlier. I had just began to share some of my thoughts on it, I heard a booming sound around me. "Surprise!!" I was gobsmacked!! I flailed my arms in shock with my mouth open, letting out a startled shriek. My mom, brothers and their families began streaming out of their hiding places!! And the only thought I had in mind was, "WOW!! This is my first surprise birthday party!! Yippee!!"

Sixth: We ate dinner together and it was lovely. I felt so loved and precious. The presence of my soul sister was an added bonus.

Seventh: After everyone had left, my family and I slowly began to clean up and settle down to the nightly rituals of going online, facebooking, blogging and chatting.

Eighth: With my girls already in bed, I sat quietly next to my husband and began to share my journey throughout my 44th birth day. I didn't shed a drop of tear today. I still miss Mad but I am no longer mourning his passing. I have managed to overcome my grief and guilt. Hubby expressed his relief that I am okay and that I am no longer grieving.

I am still reading "Overcoming Grief" almost every night and reaping many benefits from it. I feel truly blessed to have found that book. I am moving on. The sadness has been replaced only with sweet memories of my friendship with my soul brother, Mad. I survived the day without expecting a call from him. I'm okay now. But I will still take things one day at a time.

Doing What I Can Do.

On the 4th of January, I found this book at Borders. I sat down in front of the bookshelf and began to read a few pages of it. My eyes began to well and tears began streaming down my cheeks when I read the following passage:

"Who has died in your life that has led you to this book? ... No matter who died or how they died, your story and grief are unique. The pain you are experiencing cannot be compared to or minimized. It doesn't matter how old the person was who died or that someone else's situation seems worse than yours. If you loved them or they were a significant part of your life, then your pain is real and your grief is valid."

"In psychological terms, grief is defined as 'the anguish experienced after significant loss, usually the death of a beloved person'. Finding ways to express your anguish or pain and reconcile your loved one's death are important parts of grieving. You might need to tell your story over and over again, or search for answers in an attempt to understand what happened. And you may have to wrestle with difficult memories, regrets and 'if onlys'."

"It's common for people to say that in the beginning they were able to talk about the death of their loved one, but that as time went on they found it increasingly difficult, for fear of burdening those around them. As a whole, Western society isn't very good at supporting those who are grieving. This probably has a lot to do with the fact that many people tend to find the subject of death uncomfortable, especially because there is nothing that can be done to 'fix' the problem. There is also a general perception that grief is something you can get over easily and in a relatively short period of time, in much the same way as you'd recover from an infection. Unfortunately this misperception is perpetuated because people, despite their best intentions, don't really understand the complexity of grief. What often ends up happening is that they become impatient with the bereaved person's so-called 'lack of progress' and say things that imply they should be better by now. The problem is that grief is not widely understood - grieving is a process of adjustment and new learning that cannot be hurried."

A sense of relief washed over my little blue heart as I finished that last line. I thought to myself, "At last! Someone has articulated the emotions of my painful heart." With the book in my hand, I ran to my husband to show it to him. I needed to get this book but my circumstances didn't allow me that day. But a few days ago, on an outing with my mom, I found myself almost dragging my feet while walking toward the shelf holding this book. I was afraid it had been purchased by some lucky soul. I felt a grin creeping up my lips when I saw this book, nicely sitting there smiling back at me. Mom bought this book for me as an early birthday present. I needed this book. I need to read this book. I need to ease the pain in my heart.

Surprisingly, I didn't devour the book greedily as I thought I would the first time I read the above passages. I seem to be taking it slowly. Maybe I needed to make sure I don't do a slap dash job at fixing what was wrong with me. I know a year has passed since my loss. But I also know that I was being a resistant client. I'm not afraid to let go of the pain. But I am not eager to forget my soul brother in the healing process. As the book says:

"...the best advice is to take things slowly and pay attention to your inner voice. Listen to your grief. Even though, logically, you know your loved one has died, you need time to reconcile what has happened and to work out what is best for you. Unfortunately, at a time when you are likely to be most vulnerable, grieving requires you to become your best advocate by speaking up for what you need."

"Healthy grieving involves getting through all the firsts: holidays, birthdays, significant dates and the first anniversary of your loved one's death. Remember that there is no magic cure for grief. There is no quick fix."

I've survived through a few of the firsts... last year's birthdays and the first anniversary of his death. The pain is not as intense as the previous ones. But it's still there. The pain. It's still there. If only there is a switch that I can just turn off the grieving and the pain. Grief is very painful. I want it to stop. But I can't make it stop. I am hopeful that this book will guide me to a place in time where I can control myself better and this grief will be replaced with only lovely memories that will make me smile without the tears.

Goodbye 2008...

Today, I find myself at the end of 2008. As I look back at what I have been through for the past year, the emotions that come with the memories are as fresh and raw as they first occurred. Although I've been told that as I journey through this life, as I reach the end of it, I should be like a swimmer that had just swam through an ocean. As I come out of the water, at most, my body should only be wet by the briny water. But I shouldn't be trying to carry the whole ocean with me. Life is like the ocean. You go through it. Some swim through life, others crawl, walk, fly or run. However the mode of travel, no matter how beautiful some sceneries may be, its not humanly possible to collect and amass the wonders and woes that you've encountered.

As I write this entry, my mind tells me to be optimistic and hopeful that the best is yet to come in the future. But somehow, my heart is weeping and my eyes are wet, as salty as the ocean waters I had just dog-paddled through this year. Will I ever stop hurting over the lost of you, Mad? Will I ever learn to heal and be whole again? Will I ever be the same again? I know this is not how you would wish me to live my life. I'd like to consider myself as logical and practical. I may be somewhat an idealist but I have gone through enough to know that in order for me to learn through this life, I need to remain realistic as well. To some, being realistic means being pessimistic. But for me, being realistic means looking at the reality of life and dealing with it.

As a counselor that professes the benefits of Reality Therapy and Choice Theory, I am well aware of the unhappiness experienced by people whose basic needs for survival, love and belonging, power, freedom and fun are not met. In my Quality World, Mad is my soul brother who will always be there for me with his unconditional love and sincere friendship. But in reality, he's gone. I know that in order for me to move on with my life, I need to let go of my ideal; that Mad is gone and will never come back. He's gone to a place beyond my reach.

I find certain aspects of myself pretty puzzling. Just as I thought I was already okay, laughing and enjoying life as it amuses me with funny quirks and turns, suddenly a tidal wave comes crashing over me and I find myself swept ashore on the sands of depression, all spent and barely alive. I can't go on like this. I feel like a walking time-bomb, not knowing when I'm gonna have the next melt-down.

One thing I know for sure is that your heart can only feel what it does. You can change your mind and behavior. But you can never tell your heart to feel anything it doesn't. And you cannot tell your heart to not feel what it does. It will keep on feeling what it does until it's done.

As the new year opens it's door for me, I shall continue to make my journey one step at a time. Life is life. But I am me. I know what I am today. I'll just have to wait and see who I become tomorrow.

"Do not let what you cannot do interfere with what you can do." - Henry David Thoreau.

Don't Forget to Talk...

Over the last few weeks, I have busy trying to locate some respondents for my qualitative research. I needed to interview at least 6 respondents. They would have to be female above the age of 60 years old, widowed or divorced but have remained single by choice. This task was harder than I thought it would be.

Among the respondents I had the honor and the pleasure of interviewing, the last one stuck in my head for many many days and now has turned out to be my muse for this blog entry. She is about 62 years old and has been widowed for 20 years. She told me how her late mother use to keep reminding her to keep talking to her husband. My respondent went on to elaborate in great detail what her mother had meant by saying, "Jangan lupa bercakap..." or "Don't forget to talk.."

As I sat next to my husband in the car ride back home after the interview, I discussed what was said by my respondent during the interview, especially about the "Don't forget to talk" bit. My respondent felt the absence of her husband whenever she had something she wanted to share with him, even after he has passed a few months already (this is during the time when only 2 months had passed since his demise.)

I realize how important talking to each other has been for my relationship with my husband. This is also true with regards to my relationships with my two teenage daughters. I believe that when one of us is gone, the ones left behind would really miss all the talks we've had with each other and the laughter that entails.

With the advent of technology that's initially meant to improve communication methods, we would think that we would find improvement also in the quality of our communication. But can we sincerely regard sending text messages and chats on messengers as true communication when there's no eye contact and seeing facial expressions? Won't we be prone to miscommunications when we misconstrue a chat message because it lacked the human touch and gestures?

I would be lying if I were to say that my husband and I talk ALL the time. We do talk to each other a lot, discussing current issues, common interests etc. But when we're both orally tired, we do have that comforting silence between us that exudes the feeling of understanding and acceptance. A sense of belonging that needs no announcements or forced talking. Our availability to ourselves and each other radiates through the air surrounding us like the fragrant aroma of comforting coffee. We are home with each other. Whenever we are apart, we are in each others' minds and hearts. Its one of those given things.

Having said that, I still believe that talking is healthy. My profession as a counseling psychologist as proven multiple times over of how important it is to talk. Keeping things bottled up inside and yet feeling depressed when others misunderstand or don't understand us is our own undoing.

Talk. Keep on talking. Don't forget to talk. Talk while you can. Say what's on your mind. Speak of feelings felt in your heart. Love is not for keeps. Love is for giving. Love is forgiving. Its the same thing... different; but the same.

18 years have passed by and we are still talking, Yang. Go on... Keep talking, my love. I'm listening...

Along the Way...

Its almost the end of the year and I'm already all spent. 2008 began with me losing Mad, my soul brother. As much as I have tried to get over his passing, grieving is not something I can just shrug off and leave on the floor and kick under my bed. I plodded through the months half alive, trying not to think or feel. Just functioning and working on my career and Masters study.

Eidil Fitri came and went without much happy memory. Dad was hospitalized and we had no real reason to celebrate. Eidil Adha had just passed recently and another disaster had struck me. My laptop's hard drive died on me. I lost almost all my data, except for my Masters assignments folder. And then it hit me like a bulldozer. In life, along the journey, we lose things. Some things can be retrieved. But there are some losses that we may never see again. Suddenly, I am mourning the loss of Mad again. Funny how losing my data from my hard drive connects to Mad's death. I can never see him again. I can never see him again.

You'd think that a woman who is about to hit 44 in age would have the emotional maturity to accept the given facts of life. But this isn't about understanding the way life works or accepting the laws of nature. Neither is this about others. Its about ME!

Given all the things that had happened to me this year, I think I've earned the right to grieve and mourn. My emotional and psychological fatigue is justifiable. I can be strong when I have the resources to be so. But at this moment, I'm all spent. I'm all spent. I have nothing more to give. And I can't take it anymore. I'm done. For now.

Dedicated to my Soul Brother... After 10 Months

Ordinary Day