Dedicated to my Soul Brother... After 10 Months

Ordinary Day

In The Name Of Love And Marriage? Bull Shit!!

Happily ever after. The popular ending to most romance stories. Unfortunately, the reality of life and marriage is not always a bed of roses. Don't get me wrong. I am not saying that I am not happily married. I am. Very much so. But I would be lying if I say it has been a trouble free 18 years of marriage. Somehow, I truly believe that all the challenges my husband and I had experienced only strengthened the bond between us. Which brings me to the true muse for this blog entry.

Over the past few months, I can't help but notice how far people would go to stay married to their spouses. Throughout my years of giving counseling to married couples since 1994, I consider seeking therapy as a healthy alternative to mending deteriorating relationships between couples. Regardless of what the symptoms are, the true source of unhappiness in relationships is actually needs that are not being fulfilled.

However, recently I have noticed a new trend. Spouses (mostly wives) resorting to witch doctors to use mojos to control their partners. I assume they are doing all this crap out of sheer desperation. But I always believe that external control is the biggest marriage killer of all times... and this includes spells and voodoos.

There are many who want to remain in a marriage out of habit. There are also those who stay due to financial reasons. Very few stay for the right reasons. I mean, if you are no longer happy with each other or neither of you are meeting each others needs, but if you still love each other, then stay and work things through. Re-negotiate any disagreements or dissatisfactions. If your partner is toxic, abusive, addicted to some form of substance or rather, then pack your bags and leave immediately. Your children will thank you for it when they're adults.

But there are those whom I call the adventurers who like to eat their cakes and have it too. You know what I mean? They have no control over their own desires and allow their lust to drive them to doing things which are harmful to themselves, their families as well as their relationships with their spouses. Infidelity is usually associated with extra-marital affairs. But there are many kinds of infidelity. Emotional infidelity is equally dangerous as the sexual counterpart.

Its undeniable that humans have needs and these needs have to be fulfilled. That is a non-negotiable thing. However, the way people go about fulfilling those needs, must not hurt or harm anyone else. Otherwise, a sleazy reputation will shadow you wherever you go.

Ask yourself what it is that you truly want. You wanna stay married to your husband? Or do you want the freedom to be with the one you're in lust with. Just don't forget that there will come a time that you will be old, grey and saggy and no one will lust after you anymore. Who will be with you then? Who will wipe your butt when you are not able to do it yourself? Look around you, Missy.... You are alone. You've cheated on your husband countless times with several men over the past decade. None of your children condone to your awful decisions and misbehavior. Your thick make-up may hide your flaws but your character stinks to high heaven. Take a good look at yourself and your life. This is a result of your own choices. Live with it. Don't blame it on others. You are not a child anymore. Grow up!

As for my husband and I, my brothers and their wives, we are still happy together. Stop pretending to be sweet and polite with us. We know your true colors from the first time we laid our eyes on you. No more fools here for you to play around with, Missy. Sorry to say the reality is my family and I are stronger than ever. Which is more than I can say for you. May Allah's wrath bring about great balls of fire upon you and your wicked mother. May both of you burn in Hell!!

Pausing To Breathe...

Unraveling my yarn, I pulled slowly at the end of my day today which began with my last blog entry. Ramadhan is now just a memory of a beautiful holiday. Syawal was no joyous celebration this time around. With dad hospitalized, the ketupat and rendang, the Raya cookies... all bland and ordinary to my numbed senses. I longed to escape. My head full of cotton balls. Absorbingly dry. My heart wept a tearless cry. My person shattered like a broken mirror, with tiny reflections of myself looking back at me and not knowing who I want to be anymore. Where is my peace of mind? Where has my soul gone to? Why do I yearn to escape me?

As I tugged at the piece of string that leads to the knotted mesh of misery, I can see the ball tightening. I know that if I keep on at this, I will end up with a bigger mess than before. I know I need to take a break. I need to escape. I need to stop thinking. I need to stop feeling. I need to piece myself together. I need to breathe.

I've come to a realization that I am not as complicated as I thought. But I have allowed my circumstances and surroundings to complicate me. I am a simple person with simple needs. Therefore, I believe that although my knotted ball of yarn may look impossible to unravel, I am able to untangle this dilemma I am facing when I have the space to sit quietly and analyze the whole scenario. And most important of all, I need to remind myself to keep breathing.

I know now that most of the issues surrounding me is of little significance. I chose to make it important. I chose to espouse a cause that was not mine to begin with. To put it crudely, this is NOT my monkey to carry. I believe that how I choose to behave toward my parents will reflect my values and predict my future appreciation of my spouse. I am grateful for the strict upbringing that was given to my brothers and I, for our present conduct and decisions are more refined and polished. We are not rude nor uncouth. My mother has successfully brought us up polite and respectful. I can't say the same of others. The difference between us and the others are starkly overt.

The moment I saw that my plate was over-flowing with matters beyond my capacity to handle, I decided to be more careful with my choices. I decided to simplify my life. There's no more room for burdens that are not mine. Others will just have to learn to be less a burden and more responsible. I shall not make anymore excuses for them. As difficult as it was for me to do it, I learned to let go.

So, here I am now.... Sitting quietly and breathing. Why have I not been blogging for so long? Because I was too busy with the problems of others. Why I am able to sit and compose an entry now? Because I paused, evaluated and prioritized, and simplified my thoughts. Now I am simply me again. And it feels good. I am me again. For as long as I keep breathing....

My 43rd Ramadhan

What a difference to the last few ones! Its already the 11th day of Ramadhan and I feel great (except for the migraine I am having at the time this entry is being composed). Maybe Allah has spared me the trials and punishments this time around because I have paid my dues over the past few Ramadhans. I don't know. He knows best.

If the previous Ramadhans resembled roller-coaster rides of sort, this time around I feel more calm, grounded and cleansed. My thoughts and emotions are purer (except the heightened sexual attraction towards my husband of 18 years. Go figure!) and I seem to be gliding through the days without food, drink nor sex quite easily.

Although I miss Mekkah very much and wish that Mad was around for me to break fast with him, whenever I am at a mosque here in KL (my favourite mosque nearest to my home is Masjid Wilayah), I can close my eyes and imagine myself being transported mentally to Mekkah and seeing the Kaabah within my shut eyes.

Inner calmness and peace washes over me like the water of ablution and I feel refreshed, renewed and reborn. All impure thoughts are gone without leaving any trace of it ever being there in my heart and mind. I sincerely hope that this is a sign from Allah that all my past transgressions have been forgiven and I have been blessed with a clean slate to begin again. Attunement between my husband and I seems effortless and pleasurable.

As much as I value the lessons I have learnt from the previous Ramadhans, I pray to Allah that I never have to experience that ordeal ever again. I almost lost myself and that was not a pretty sight. Even thinking back on what I had gone through gives me the shakes and shivers similar to those while watching a scary Korean, Japanese or Siamese horror movies. Nightmare indeed.

Hence, I turn my palms upwards to Allah and pray for His forgiveness and for Him to bless my life with my family and friends. Syukur, Alhamdulillah. Praise be to Allah, The All MIghty, The Most Loving and The Most Merciful. Ameen.

To My Precious Daughters - Jazelia & Jelissa

IF I COULD

If I could
I’d protect you from the sadness in your eyes
Give you courage in a world of compromise
Yes, I would

If I could
I would teach you all the things I’ve never learned
And I’d help you cross the bridges that I’ve burned
Yes, I would

If I could
I would try to shield your innocence from time
But the part of life I gave you isn’t mine
I’ll watch you grow, so I can let you go

If I could
I would help you make it through the hungry years
But I know that I can never cry your tears, babe
But I would If I could

If I could
In a time and place where you don’t wanna be
You don’t have to walk along this road with me
My yesterday won’t have to be your way

If I knew
I’d try to change the world I brought you to
Now there isn’t much more that I can do
But I would If I could

If I could
I would try to shield your innocence from time
But the part of life I gave you isn’t mine
I’ll watch you grow, so I can let you go

If I could
I’d help you make it through the hungry years
But I know that I can never cry your tears
But I would If I could



"Always remember that my love will follow you wherever you go, in whatever you do, praying for all the happiness and joy, peace and serenity, love and safety, success and abundance... even long after I can no longer be seen or heard. Be brave, my precious babies. You are the best of my achievements. Loving you more than you'll ever comprehend. - Mama."

Love, The Great Adventure

Recently, I picked up an outdated but nevertheless precious issue of Oprah magazine. After reading several articles, I couldn't suppress the urge to blog a summary of them in order to share the valuable wisdom contained in them, namely the one that begins with the following paragraph:

"The fantasy: Love's a river of bliss. The reality: Love is missteps, silences, and how-could-yous. The two of you will not always swing blissfully on the same vine. Contrary to popular opinion, this is okay... and we've got the latest research, and real-life stories, to prove it. Mark Epstein starts things off with a fight and a major realization..."


"What's wrong with being angry?"
"Here is a new model of successful marriage, one in which a reliance on a state of attunement gives way to an appreciation of a cyclic process of rupture and repair. This is a model gaining traction in the therapy world, one based on a change in how the most successful intimate human relationships are now understood. The ability to take differences in stride, to return after disruption to an appreciation of connection, to laugh together about differences, was a reflection of this shift to a more process based model of success. The difficulty in allowing anger to be a natural emotion within marriage reflected the older model that values attunement above all else.

A woman abandons all self-respect in a futile attempt to preserve her rapport with her husband. A man weathers his wife's anxious and angry tirades but never quite forgives her. He is waiting for her to change, to take responsibility for the pain she is causing him, to grow. He punitively withholds kindness during the times they are not fighting, avoiding her when they could be getting along. In these marriages, nobody is surviving destruction. Rupture is never repaired. Failures multiply and partners drift apart.

Attunement is not the problem, nor is it a myth. It is an incredible thing, as invaluable between parents and children as it is in adult intimate relationships. But an over-reliance on attunement leads to disappointment and depression and division. Attunement should not have to be constant. Disruption, failure, and disagreement are healthy and normal. Learning to transition between connection and separateness without losing faith is a great challenge.

In meditation, which has been essential in helping me be more accepting of the entire range of my emotional responses, I have learned to keep bring the mind back to the central object - the breath, a prayer or a visualization - when I get distracted. But it is considered a sign of maturity in meditation when the distractions are no longer viewed as problems but can instead become objects of meditative interest in themselves.

In similar way, in intimate relationships, it is easy to view a rupture as a problem to be eliminated, to see attunement as the only thing that matters: the central object, as it were. To shift one's perspective so that failures become part of the process, so that survival of destruction becomes something to celebrate, is as incredible, in its own way, as attunement.

Attunement is capricious; the insistence on 100% understanding leads only to resentment of one's partner. Marriages, like mothers, can be "good enough" while still being miracles worthy of celebration"

- Summarized from February 2008 issue of Oprah Magazine.

Intellectual Idiots.

Its been a while since my last blog. My silence has been caused by a very hectic work schedule. Among all the activities that I had to be involved in, the one that lingers on my mind is the Asian Psychological Association's 2nd convention held in Malaya University at the end of June.

I had the pleasure of learning a lot from the many research findings presented by established peers in the psychological field. I even had the pleasure of catching up with some old colleagues and meeting with fellow psychologists from Canada, America and Australia. However, a few papers that were presented during the two day event made me fume with rage.

Consider this: One so called Ph.D holder in Psychology from a local university actually concluded that if muslim mothers were to educate their daughters to the muslim way of life, discipline them to never miss their daily prayers and cover themselves modestly, the daughters will never fall victim of rape!! How absurd is that?!!

I'm not going to go into detail as to the other ridiculous conclusions this so called expert has arrived at. Its just garbage disguised as intellectual findings. I suspect this researcher has lots of issues of her own that she's projecting into her research projects.

Dr. William Glasser, the founder of Reality Therapy and Choice Theory had said that for as long as the parents are in the Quality World of the children, these youths will make the right choices in their lives and will not engage in any activities that may jeopardize what they hold as valuable and important to them.

My elder daughter, Jazelia, made her own decision to wear the hijab at the tender age of 12 because she felt shy whenever boys looked her way. However, as she matured and began to gain self-confidence and a sense of identity, she no longer felt sincere to continue donning the hijab. Her decision to do away with her hijab was more than acceptable to me because I have always emphasized the importance of sincerity in everything that is done in the name of Allah. I am confident that she behaves better than most other teenage girls her age who do wear the hijab out of conformity and societal expectations.

I regret to say that my naked eyes have bared witness to many teenage girls who wear the hijab necking away in the dark corners of shopping malls and public parks with their male friends. Its sad to see how many parents fail to instill integrity and authentic sense of self respect. They can't tell the difference between what is sinful and what is harmful for their well-being. In behaving in such manner, they tarnish the reputation of muslim girls as a whole.

I do realize that since Jazelia is just 16 and it may be premature of me to presume that she'll continue to be fine and turn out to be the respectful and respectable woman I hope she will become. For as long as my opinions and advice are of great importance and value to her, I am quite sure her conscience will continue to be her best ally in protecting her from the real dangers lurking in every corner of the future.

My unsolicited advice to that expert are as follows: If you are feeling guilty for not having enough authentic quality time with your family, do something about it. Put your children and family on top of your priority list. Don't lecture people to do something you are suffering guilt from. And please stay away from ever counseling anyone because you are judgmental, a social bigot and conservative in your way of thinking. I am sure you possess none of the qualities that make up an effective counselor. As Carl Rogers said: Counseling is not an act of doing. It is an art of being.

Now, judge this: