"I Want To Go Home To My Father."

Today was very challenging to Mom. She was restless and anxious. She kept saying "I need to go home soon." as she caressed the side of my face with tears in her eyes. Regardless of how many times I explained to her that she is home, that she's living in her own house, she insisted that she needs to go home. "I am old now", she said, as she wiped the tears off her eyes.

Ater a few minutes of me in the bathroom, I came out to find that she had changed her clothes from the home-wear kaftan I had put on her after morning shower into a pair of baju kurung; as though she was ready to go out. She was pacing the compound of our home restlessly. This spurred me to do a little research by googling "what to do when alzheimer's patient looks for deceased parent"

I came across an article titled "3 Tips When Someone With Dementia Wants Her Mom or Dad." It went on to explain the following:
"Think of the young child who wanders off in the store. All of the sudden, she looks around and begins to cry because she's lost and doesn't know where her mom is. While we don't want to treat a respected older adult like a child, it can be helpful to remind ourselves that this lost feeling is similar to what they're experiencing."

I met her at the main door and persuaded her to come in. She said, "I want to go home to my father's house." My heart broke into a million pieces. I coaxed her into sitting on the sofa with me. As I held her hands in mine, I looked deeply into her eyes and said," Mom, grandpa passed away 8 years ago." Her eyes reflected the abyss of unspeakable loss.

Ever since mom lived with us, I have been applying all the knowledge I have in psychology and putting into practice the caregiving skills I had acquired over the years. I have seen how Behavioural Therapy such as classic conditioning and positive reinforcements have shown a reasonable amount of improvement in mom's behaviour. Currently, I am also using Reality Orientation in Alzheimer's and Dementia. It's an approach where the environment, including dates, locations, and current surroundings, is frequently pointed out and woven into the conversations with the person. Reality orientation, when used appropriately and with compassion, can also benefit those living with Alzheimer's or Dementia.

The tools for reality orientation aim to reinforce the naming of objects and people as well as a timeline of events, past or present. This typically involves:

• Talking about orientation, including the day, time of day, date, and season
• Using people's name frequently
• Discussing current events
• Referring to clocks and calendars
• Placing signs and labels on doors, cupboards, and other objects
• Asking questions about photos or other memorabilia

I am pragmatic enough not to have much expectations regarding the impact of the above on my mom considering that she is already at a late stage of Alzheimer's. Yet, I refuse to simply just give up on her as how she never gave up on me when she was teaching me the basic skills in life.

I made a few phone calls to mom's cousins and got them to speak to her on the phone. Perhaps she is looking for familiar faces. Perhaps she is looking for past connections. After all, I truly believe that connections are like bread crumbs that leads us back home when we are lost.

It's okay, mom. No matter how lost you may be feeling right now, I got you. And I will always be your one and only daughter. May Allah bless mom with syifa, always. 

Looking for Mom in Alzheimer's Forest

Ever since my mom has been living with me, I hardly get to see her. Every day, I deal with the disease that manifests itself in the most back breaking, exasperating and exhausting daily routine. I look forward to showering mom and dressing her. Meal times is extra challenging as she never knows what she wants to eat and sometimes refuses to eat what is served. This has given me an opportunity to choose my battles and let go of petty stuff. 

Early December when mom moved in with us, she would clean her face with tooth brush and toothpaste instead of brushing her teeth. A week after I started her on Calcium Magnesium tablets at night, she now brushes her teeth and that is a huge improvement on her part and a massive achievement for me!

She still confuses the trash with the laundry basket. That's an ongoing conditioning process. She doesn't resist putting on her disposable diaper underwear although there are times she gets cheeky and takes one off without putting on another. Another ongoing conditioning process.

A week ago, I started her on Evening Primrose Oil plus Fish Oil as a supplement for her to take after breakfast. Earlier this evening, I was watching television with her and a trailer for a movie was showing. "The Garden of Evening Mists" made me decide that I wanted to go watch it at the cinema. I asked mom what she thought about the film and she said, "The story is very interesting!" And in my head I went, "WOW!!!" Your guess is as good as mine whether the EPO plus Fish Oil has anything to do with this mental clarity.

I decided to take advantage of that window of lucidity of her mind to explain to her about what she's going through. She showed clarity of understanding when I explained to her about Alzheimer's disease and reminded her how her own maternal grandmother suffered the same. She remembers that. 

So, in day filled with routine of bathing, dressing, cleaning, washing, laundry, mopping floors, wiping soiled upholstery etc, whenever my spinal pain and body aches become obvious to her, the maternal instinct in her kicks Alzheimer's ass and she attends to my pains and comforts me in a way only a mother sincerely can.

I have been watching a lot of documentaries on Alzheimer's to learn ways of how I can do better by her. One that sticks in my mind is one about Edwin Honig; First Cousin Once Removed. Many things he said were so profound and the impact is long lasting.

"Edwin Honig: [YOUNGER EDWIN On video recording] I'm Edwin Honig and I've been around for 70 years, so I think. I've been a poet and writer... Born in Brooklyn, NY, September 3rd, 1919... Abraham Lincoln High School 1935... City College of New York... University of Wisconsin at Madison. Studied English... 

Edwin Honig: [OLD EDWIN] Who's this? 

Edwin Honig: [YOUNGER EDWIN, Continuing in background] ... graduated in '41, BA in Latin American Affairs, Spanish and Political Science. 

Alan Berliner: [Voice] He's the man who you once were. 

Edwin Honig: [YOUNGER EDWIN, continuing] "... 2-1/2 years, Second World War, European Theater. University of Wisconsin, MA in... 

Edwin Honig: [OLD EDWIN] I'm not impressed. 

Edwin Honig: [YOUNGER EDWIN, Continuing] ... Editor of 'New Mexico Quarterly'. Did I mention getting a Guggenheim? 

[Small laugh]

Edwin Honig: Got a Guggenheim. Got a year off writing fiction, allegory, satire. Went to Harvard... 

Edwin Honig: [OLD EDWIN] He's trying to be someone. 

Edwin Honig: [YOUNGER EDWIN, Continuing] Brown University. Professor of English and Comparative Literature. Director of the writing program... Experimentation. Started a small press, Copper Beach Press. Published a good many books, one on allegory. 

[Long Pause]

Edwin Honig: I've forgotten the title. Before I knew it, 26 years had passed. Retired in 19... 

Edwin Honig: [OLD EDWIN] He knows what to do with his head. I don't."

Life is indeed a cycle. We were born as infants with no memory or understanding about our surroundings and yet we have our lives ahead of us. As we become children, we have great memory of many things and mostly living in the here and now with no worry about our future or regrets of the past. When we reach adulthood, our capacity to remember grows and we have developed the skill to multi task: thinking about our past mistakes and making sure we don't repeat them, planning for the future with great amount of anxiety about the uncertainties in life; and topping that off, totally distracted from the here and now and we wonder where time went as we reach old age. At old age, we have little to no memory of what we had for lunch but have no problems reminiscing on how wonderful our childhood years were. But we have nothing but the here and now, as tomorrow is never promised to us. Just living out each passing day doing things to keep us feeling useful for as long as our frail bodies and fragile cognition allows us to 'keep busy."

Everyday, in my battle with Mom's Alzheimer's, I search for my mom fervently, waiting to connect with her so she knows how much she is loved. Because although she may not have a choice with regards to the cards she was dealt with, I can always do better by her. And that's what I shall continue to do until she needs me no more.

My Motherless Mother

More often than not, I am known for being my father's daughter. The world doesn't know how much more significant the influence of my mother, Noorazah Abdul Aziz, has on the making of who I have become today. Let me begin by telling her story.

Her mother died of pneumonia when my mom was barely three years old. With a brother who is a year younger than her, the duo was the center of a tug of war between two sets of grandparents who are as opposites as chalk and cheese. With a father who was obviously grieving over the loss of his wife and pressured by his own parents to agree to an arranged marriage, we can only imagine how it must be like for these two children back in 1946.

My mother suffered multiple abuses at the hands of those who were entrusted with her care, namely her father's wife. As they couldn't have children of their own between them, they adopted several children, starting with my grandfather's wife's niece. And while these adopted children were cherished and treated with the best, my mother, on the other hand, was treated very poorly, to say the least. Being married to my father wasn't a bed of roses either. Survivors of narcissistic personalities will tell you how their wounds are life long and a never ending trauma.

She showed me how a strong single mother looks like when she singlehandedly brought up my brothers and I after my father divorced her in 1978. She did it with almost no child support from my father. She pawned and sold her jewelry to afford medical care for us and thought nothing of it. She made her life decisions with our best interest at heart.

Thinking back on what my mother had gone through from her early childhood into her middle adulthood, its no wonder she has stage 6 Alzheimer's disease now. It began with a mild stroke she suffered when her father passed away in 2012, followed by several falls. I believe it is Allah's mercy upon her to help her live the remaining years of her life with no traumatic memory whatsoever.

You will find that all the above paragraphs contain repetitions of the word "suffer." The above story wasn't written with the intention to paint a bad picture of anyone. It just so happens that my mother's experience with all those involved in her life were not materials of happy memories.

As I look towards 2020 with my mom, caring for her as how she did me; being patient with her as how she was with me; I feel honored and blessed with this golden opportunity to be there for her in ways I hope my two daugthers will be for me. I am eternally grateful to both my brothers for taking care of mom during her decline, which I believe, must be the hardest phase of all. As they continue to support me in my caring for my mother, I cherish the bond between my brothers and I, something money can never buy. My mother does not need fame and fortune to validate how much she has given in the name of love and loving. In my eyes, she is my true superhero and her super power is resilience. May Allah continue to bless her with the best of dunia and akhirat. Ameen.

Don't Tell Me How to be a Private Practitioner!

"Theory is a major element in professional knowledge. Doubts about its value reported by practitioners raise questions at a critical juncture in the careers field about the relevance of prevailing theories and how they are approached. The topic of the relationship between theory and practice is a sensitive one in the debate on competencies and an illuminating one in that on post-modernism. As recent studies demonstrate, problems in integrating theory and practice arise in training and may persist, but experienced practitioners achieve ‘fusion’ between them and become ‘practical theorists’. Practice is improvisatory, and is refined by frameworks provided by theory, critical thinking and ‘reflective practice’. However, theories are often tardy or irrelevant, and practitioners also need to be able to carry out their own research, including action research. This has implications for initial and in-service training, supervision and policy, and for the relationships between researchers, theorists and practitioners." (Audrey Collin (1996) Re-thinking the relationship between theory and practice: Practitioners as map-readers, map-makers—or jazz players?, British Journal of Guidance & Counselling, 24:1, 67-81, DOI: 10.1080/03069889608253709)

Let's get something straight. A registered and licensed counselor in Malaysia has several job options: organizations, education and private practice. Counselors who work in organizations as career counselors earn a monthly income, regardless of how many counseling sessions they clock in a month. Counselors in educational settings would also be receiving monthly salary where the hours spent on counseling is further added with roles of being a substitute teacher. Some might even pursue their doctorate degree that would make them attractive to higher education universities and colleges. They also earn a monthly income which allows them the privilege of providing pro bono counseling as to ensure they do not lose the skills they have acquired through their trainings during practicum and internship. The same cannot be said of those who chose to be their own bosses by taking the huge leap into setting up a private practice.

Many therapists have dreams of one day starting their own private practice. Following through on these aspirations, however, requires taking a number of things into consideration.

There are definite pros and cons. Having worked as a therapist for a number of community organizations prior to having my own private practice, I can attest to the validity of both. Some of the issues to consider include:

BUSINESS CONCERNS

Starting a private practice requires exploring the laws in your city that apply to owning your own business. You will typically need to obtain a business license from the city you live in and renew it on a yearly basis.

WORK SCHEDULE

Owning your own business means having the freedom to limit the number of days and hours worked. However, you also need to be able to accommodate people when they are available to come in, which may require having to work evenings and/or weekends.

MARKETING

Being in private practice requires taking the steps necessary to generate business, which many therapists feel uncomfortable doing. Establishing a web presence is important in order to attract individuals looking for the specific services you offer, the therapeutic approache you use, and any areas of expertise you may have. Effective ways of advertising include creating a practice website, writing a blog, and maintaining one or more professional profiles on online therapist directories such as GoodTherapy.org. All of these efforts take time and some financial investment.

EXPENSES

Going into private practice requires taking into consideration the overhead and other expenses that apply when one owns a business. Some of the expenses to account for include the need to lease office space; the cost of utilities; furnishing the space; marketing efforts; obtaining office supplies and business cards; and the price of medical, dental, and liability insurance. You will also need to decide whether to do your billing yourself, which can be time-consuming, or hire someone to do it for you. If you are just starting out, you may want to consider subletting an office on a part-time basis (for example, on weekends and/or one or two evenings a week) to start building your practice before quitting your full-time job.

FLUCTUATING INCOME

Although a private practice can be profitable, it can also be unpredictable at times. Whereas you are typically guaranteed a certain monthly income when working for an agency or organization, a private practice does not provide the same level of security. The number of individuals seen, as well as the income generated, tends to vary from month to month. It can also take time to build up sufficient business for you to live off of, and you have to set aside money for taxes and/or make quarterly estimated tax payments, as this will not be done for you. You also need to keep in mind you will not get paid for any time off, so you will need to have a cushion set aside in order to account for any vacation or sick time.

Going into private practice can be profitable and rewarding, but it can take a lot of time and energy before you get to that point. The risks associated with any type of business are not for everyone, but the dream of starting your own private practice can become a reality if you are willing to take a leap of faith and put in the work needed in order to succeed.

Source: Good Therapy.

Which brings me to the current pebble in my shoe. People who only know how to teach. They have never been self-employed. They have never been without a boss to make decisions for them. They have never not have a fixed monthly income. They sit on their cushy asses, their noses buried in textbooks they read and vomit to their students. They know theories by hard and accumulate knowledge and yet have no spare time whatsoever to practice the so-called knowledge they had learned. And yet, they have all the time in the world to question the credibility of others who have guts to be enterpreneurial. They believe that just because they are the academicians, they are the only ones who are ethical. They question other people's decision making styles. Their worldview is limited to the four walls of their classes that it is rendered unrealistic in so many unhilarious levels!

I'm Done

I am well aware I am to work on my own weakness during Ramadhan. I understand that this is something that is expected of every muslim. But when they assert their inner aggression and project their frustrations on me, I can still rationalize and maintain patience by reminding myself that kifarah is never comfortable and is meant to cleanse my soul of sins accummulated thus far.

Far from using this as an excuse or a crutch, my struggles with depression is very much real. And with having challenges to refill my prescriptions to manage my condition, it is pushing me extremely close to my limit that I can honestly admit how the only thing I can come up with to be grateful for in a day is having Allah in my life. If it isn't for Him, I can actually run the blade in the correct direction on my wrist that would render me beyond anyone's help.

The ugliness of this world is just too much. Blood ties means nothing to people. Humility means nothing to people. Sincerity means nothing to people. If it doesn't bring millions of money or high social status, it has no value. Empathy is a rare thing to find in people nowadays. All that people care for are their own selfish "what's in it for me?" attitude. Its so glaringly clear how this world is a prison.

Day by day, people push me further and further to the edge of the cliff. It makes me wonder why I even bothered to save people's lives when they don't care for their own precious lives. I am beyond being angry and hurt. I am indifferent.

Do whatever you want. Its your life. Knock yourself out and fuck it up. I don't want any part of shit like that.

From Daughter to Wife

I remember the moment I realized I was pregnant of you. Scamper the cat kept sniffing at my belly. And then came the craving for caviar. And honeydew at 2 am that made your dad pull his hair. Followed by seven months of all day nausea and the discovery that I can no longer tolerate the smell of durian.

You were determined right from the get go. Eagerly burrowing your head out and refusing to wait for the doctor to arrive. You were impatient. And when you came into this world with knitted brows as though you were upset with the international stock market, I knew that you were to grow up to be a very intelligent, assertive, confident and loving go-getter.

Fast forward 26 years and now you are a wife to the love of your life. Your dad and I couldn't have asked for a better man to be your husband and our son. James may not be perfect but he is imperfectly perfect for you. On this day, your dad and I feel so blessed.

Here, I share with you the letter Paul Newman wrote to his wife on their wedding day:

Take care of each other, my children. Remember how precious you are to us.

- Mama and Ayah.

9th January 2019

Let. God. Drive.

After 3 years of working as a full time lecturer at a private university, I have decided to go back to my private practice. Many questioned my decision, mostly were concerned with my future finances. I guess its fair for them to worried, given that they don't know how well Allah has been providing for me before my full time employment.

Private practitioners were, and are still, seen as 'risk takers.' Many do not see private practice as "real work" simply because it lacks a fixed amount of monthly income. Private practice is also flexible with regards to working hours. However, during my full time employment stint, I have come to realize how draining work can be. It can certainly kill any passion you may have for your profession. Work/life balance is almost non-existence and self-care is often left out of our priority list. We struggle to make time for those we love. And the reason why we cry at funerals of our loved ones is guilt. Guilt for not spending enough time with them while they were still alive and well.

I saw my spiritual wellbeing deteriorate during my full time employment. I also saw how quickly my mother's memory spiralled downwards to the point where she wasn't able to do the usual tasks she was able to do for herself. That was when I had to stop. Enough was enough. I need to refocus on what truly matters in my life.

I am grateful for the times I spent nurturing and guiding young counselors into professionals with optimum potentials. I have met many beautiful souls during my years in that university and I do not regret that one bit. But as I have taught developmental psychology as a subject for 3 years now, I am well aware of whats coming in the future. Everyone ages and eventually, everyone will die. We were born, we live, we age, and then we die. But what will be remembered most by others is how much we have touched their lives.

I am grateful for the chance to continue lecturing on a part time basis. This way, I will only need to teach one subject per semester and still do counseling in my private practice and strike an awesome balance in life. God is important to me. My family is important to me. I am important to me.

I feel very blessed to have witnessed so much growth in my students. Those who started out struggling with personal challenges have now bloomed into very caring, empathic, and very professional individuals. I am immensely proud of each and every one of them. I truly am.

Now, as 2018 draws to an end, I eagerly look forward to next year. An abundance of contentment through new additions to the family, daughters working at building their own muscles to fly, and finally, making my dream come true for MY Confidential. Last but not least, continuing my work in crisis intervention.

How do I feel about the future? Am I not worried about the uncertainties in life? For as long as Allah is driving my car, I will continue to be in good and safe hands. Keep the faith. Trust in Him. Hold on tight.

Smile.