Looking for Mom in Alzheimer's Forest

Ever since my mom has been living with me, I hardly get to see her. Every day, I deal with the disease that manifests itself in the most back breaking, exasperating and exhausting daily routine. I look forward to showering mom and dressing her. Meal times is extra challenging as she never knows what she wants to eat and sometimes refuses to eat what is served. This has given me an opportunity to choose my battles and let go of petty stuff. 

Early December when mom moved in with us, she would clean her face with tooth brush and toothpaste instead of brushing her teeth. A week after I started her on Calcium Magnesium tablets at night, she now brushes her teeth and that is a huge improvement on her part and a massive achievement for me!

She still confuses the trash with the laundry basket. That's an ongoing conditioning process. She doesn't resist putting on her disposable diaper underwear although there are times she gets cheeky and takes one off without putting on another. Another ongoing conditioning process.

A week ago, I started her on Evening Primrose Oil plus Fish Oil as a supplement for her to take after breakfast. Earlier this evening, I was watching television with her and a trailer for a movie was showing. "The Garden of Evening Mists" made me decide that I wanted to go watch it at the cinema. I asked mom what she thought about the film and she said, "The story is very interesting!" And in my head I went, "WOW!!!" Your guess is as good as mine whether the EPO plus Fish Oil has anything to do with this mental clarity.

I decided to take advantage of that window of lucidity of her mind to explain to her about what she's going through. She showed clarity of understanding when I explained to her about Alzheimer's disease and reminded her how her own maternal grandmother suffered the same. She remembers that. 

So, in day filled with routine of bathing, dressing, cleaning, washing, laundry, mopping floors, wiping soiled upholstery etc, whenever my spinal pain and body aches become obvious to her, the maternal instinct in her kicks Alzheimer's ass and she attends to my pains and comforts me in a way only a mother sincerely can.

I have been watching a lot of documentaries on Alzheimer's to learn ways of how I can do better by her. One that sticks in my mind is one about Edwin Honig; First Cousin Once Removed. Many things he said were so profound and the impact is long lasting.

"Edwin Honig: [YOUNGER EDWIN On video recording] I'm Edwin Honig and I've been around for 70 years, so I think. I've been a poet and writer... Born in Brooklyn, NY, September 3rd, 1919... Abraham Lincoln High School 1935... City College of New York... University of Wisconsin at Madison. Studied English... 

Edwin Honig: [OLD EDWIN] Who's this? 

Edwin Honig: [YOUNGER EDWIN, Continuing in background] ... graduated in '41, BA in Latin American Affairs, Spanish and Political Science. 

Alan Berliner: [Voice] He's the man who you once were. 

Edwin Honig: [YOUNGER EDWIN, continuing] "... 2-1/2 years, Second World War, European Theater. University of Wisconsin, MA in... 

Edwin Honig: [OLD EDWIN] I'm not impressed. 

Edwin Honig: [YOUNGER EDWIN, Continuing] ... Editor of 'New Mexico Quarterly'. Did I mention getting a Guggenheim? 

[Small laugh]

Edwin Honig: Got a Guggenheim. Got a year off writing fiction, allegory, satire. Went to Harvard... 

Edwin Honig: [OLD EDWIN] He's trying to be someone. 

Edwin Honig: [YOUNGER EDWIN, Continuing] Brown University. Professor of English and Comparative Literature. Director of the writing program... Experimentation. Started a small press, Copper Beach Press. Published a good many books, one on allegory. 

[Long Pause]

Edwin Honig: I've forgotten the title. Before I knew it, 26 years had passed. Retired in 19... 

Edwin Honig: [OLD EDWIN] He knows what to do with his head. I don't."

Life is indeed a cycle. We were born as infants with no memory or understanding about our surroundings and yet we have our lives ahead of us. As we become children, we have great memory of many things and mostly living in the here and now with no worry about our future or regrets of the past. When we reach adulthood, our capacity to remember grows and we have developed the skill to multi task: thinking about our past mistakes and making sure we don't repeat them, planning for the future with great amount of anxiety about the uncertainties in life; and topping that off, totally distracted from the here and now and we wonder where time went as we reach old age. At old age, we have little to no memory of what we had for lunch but have no problems reminiscing on how wonderful our childhood years were. But we have nothing but the here and now, as tomorrow is never promised to us. Just living out each passing day doing things to keep us feeling useful for as long as our frail bodies and fragile cognition allows us to 'keep busy."

Everyday, in my battle with Mom's Alzheimer's, I search for my mom fervently, waiting to connect with her so she knows how much she is loved. Because although she may not have a choice with regards to the cards she was dealt with, I can always do better by her. And that's what I shall continue to do until she needs me no more.