To My Precious Daughters - Jazelia & Jelissa

IF I COULD

If I could
I’d protect you from the sadness in your eyes
Give you courage in a world of compromise
Yes, I would

If I could
I would teach you all the things I’ve never learned
And I’d help you cross the bridges that I’ve burned
Yes, I would

If I could
I would try to shield your innocence from time
But the part of life I gave you isn’t mine
I’ll watch you grow, so I can let you go

If I could
I would help you make it through the hungry years
But I know that I can never cry your tears, babe
But I would If I could

If I could
In a time and place where you don’t wanna be
You don’t have to walk along this road with me
My yesterday won’t have to be your way

If I knew
I’d try to change the world I brought you to
Now there isn’t much more that I can do
But I would If I could

If I could
I would try to shield your innocence from time
But the part of life I gave you isn’t mine
I’ll watch you grow, so I can let you go

If I could
I’d help you make it through the hungry years
But I know that I can never cry your tears
But I would If I could



"Always remember that my love will follow you wherever you go, in whatever you do, praying for all the happiness and joy, peace and serenity, love and safety, success and abundance... even long after I can no longer be seen or heard. Be brave, my precious babies. You are the best of my achievements. Loving you more than you'll ever comprehend. - Mama."

Love, The Great Adventure

Recently, I picked up an outdated but nevertheless precious issue of Oprah magazine. After reading several articles, I couldn't suppress the urge to blog a summary of them in order to share the valuable wisdom contained in them, namely the one that begins with the following paragraph:

"The fantasy: Love's a river of bliss. The reality: Love is missteps, silences, and how-could-yous. The two of you will not always swing blissfully on the same vine. Contrary to popular opinion, this is okay... and we've got the latest research, and real-life stories, to prove it. Mark Epstein starts things off with a fight and a major realization..."


"What's wrong with being angry?"
"Here is a new model of successful marriage, one in which a reliance on a state of attunement gives way to an appreciation of a cyclic process of rupture and repair. This is a model gaining traction in the therapy world, one based on a change in how the most successful intimate human relationships are now understood. The ability to take differences in stride, to return after disruption to an appreciation of connection, to laugh together about differences, was a reflection of this shift to a more process based model of success. The difficulty in allowing anger to be a natural emotion within marriage reflected the older model that values attunement above all else.

A woman abandons all self-respect in a futile attempt to preserve her rapport with her husband. A man weathers his wife's anxious and angry tirades but never quite forgives her. He is waiting for her to change, to take responsibility for the pain she is causing him, to grow. He punitively withholds kindness during the times they are not fighting, avoiding her when they could be getting along. In these marriages, nobody is surviving destruction. Rupture is never repaired. Failures multiply and partners drift apart.

Attunement is not the problem, nor is it a myth. It is an incredible thing, as invaluable between parents and children as it is in adult intimate relationships. But an over-reliance on attunement leads to disappointment and depression and division. Attunement should not have to be constant. Disruption, failure, and disagreement are healthy and normal. Learning to transition between connection and separateness without losing faith is a great challenge.

In meditation, which has been essential in helping me be more accepting of the entire range of my emotional responses, I have learned to keep bring the mind back to the central object - the breath, a prayer or a visualization - when I get distracted. But it is considered a sign of maturity in meditation when the distractions are no longer viewed as problems but can instead become objects of meditative interest in themselves.

In similar way, in intimate relationships, it is easy to view a rupture as a problem to be eliminated, to see attunement as the only thing that matters: the central object, as it were. To shift one's perspective so that failures become part of the process, so that survival of destruction becomes something to celebrate, is as incredible, in its own way, as attunement.

Attunement is capricious; the insistence on 100% understanding leads only to resentment of one's partner. Marriages, like mothers, can be "good enough" while still being miracles worthy of celebration"

- Summarized from February 2008 issue of Oprah Magazine.

Intellectual Idiots.

Its been a while since my last blog. My silence has been caused by a very hectic work schedule. Among all the activities that I had to be involved in, the one that lingers on my mind is the Asian Psychological Association's 2nd convention held in Malaya University at the end of June.

I had the pleasure of learning a lot from the many research findings presented by established peers in the psychological field. I even had the pleasure of catching up with some old colleagues and meeting with fellow psychologists from Canada, America and Australia. However, a few papers that were presented during the two day event made me fume with rage.

Consider this: One so called Ph.D holder in Psychology from a local university actually concluded that if muslim mothers were to educate their daughters to the muslim way of life, discipline them to never miss their daily prayers and cover themselves modestly, the daughters will never fall victim of rape!! How absurd is that?!!

I'm not going to go into detail as to the other ridiculous conclusions this so called expert has arrived at. Its just garbage disguised as intellectual findings. I suspect this researcher has lots of issues of her own that she's projecting into her research projects.

Dr. William Glasser, the founder of Reality Therapy and Choice Theory had said that for as long as the parents are in the Quality World of the children, these youths will make the right choices in their lives and will not engage in any activities that may jeopardize what they hold as valuable and important to them.

My elder daughter, Jazelia, made her own decision to wear the hijab at the tender age of 12 because she felt shy whenever boys looked her way. However, as she matured and began to gain self-confidence and a sense of identity, she no longer felt sincere to continue donning the hijab. Her decision to do away with her hijab was more than acceptable to me because I have always emphasized the importance of sincerity in everything that is done in the name of Allah. I am confident that she behaves better than most other teenage girls her age who do wear the hijab out of conformity and societal expectations.

I regret to say that my naked eyes have bared witness to many teenage girls who wear the hijab necking away in the dark corners of shopping malls and public parks with their male friends. Its sad to see how many parents fail to instill integrity and authentic sense of self respect. They can't tell the difference between what is sinful and what is harmful for their well-being. In behaving in such manner, they tarnish the reputation of muslim girls as a whole.

I do realize that since Jazelia is just 16 and it may be premature of me to presume that she'll continue to be fine and turn out to be the respectful and respectable woman I hope she will become. For as long as my opinions and advice are of great importance and value to her, I am quite sure her conscience will continue to be her best ally in protecting her from the real dangers lurking in every corner of the future.

My unsolicited advice to that expert are as follows: If you are feeling guilty for not having enough authentic quality time with your family, do something about it. Put your children and family on top of your priority list. Don't lecture people to do something you are suffering guilt from. And please stay away from ever counseling anyone because you are judgmental, a social bigot and conservative in your way of thinking. I am sure you possess none of the qualities that make up an effective counselor. As Carl Rogers said: Counseling is not an act of doing. It is an art of being.

Now, judge this:

Dato' Johari Salleh - My Father.

Lee Eliot Berk (right), with Lawrence Berk, student Johari Salleh, and Charlie Mariano. (Circa 1967)
Dato' Johari Salleh

While I was away on a short vacation in Cherating with my husband and teenage daughters, my father was ruthlessly "attacked" by ignorant and arrogant individuals. I was only made aware of this tonight, by my very upset brothers and family. Even my mother, who has been divorced from my dad since 1978, voiced out her opinions in defense of the truth.

We are all appalled with the way the media had twisted his words around just to sell their newspaper. We are also equally disgusted by the abysmal way certain quarters had tried to justify THEIR mistake!

Let's put things in proper perspective. My dad graduated from the prestigious Berklee College of Music in Boston, America in 1968 and went on to become one of the most prominent maestros in Malaysia. All during that time, the insecure nobody who has been trying so hard to compensate his own inadequacies, was probably still exploring his own genitals! And now, that little nitwit is claiming that he knows more about music than my dad does!! How pompous can you get?!

I pity the fool who twisted my father's words to start a scandal just to draw attention to an insignificant talent show that does not yield real talent as their so called graduates of it's 'academy' or champions! I find it distasteful and inhumane to criticize the talent of others when most of the judges themselves have talents that are questionable. Unfortunately, the Malaysian audience represents narrow-minded and shallow people who prefer good looks to real talents. This is why my father never bothered to follow such so-called 'reality tv shows'. There's nothing real about it at all.

The younger generation of musicians must wake up and smell the coffee. Without the likes of P.Ramlee, Johar Bahar, Alfonso Soliano and my dad paving the musical way for them, they would have nothing today. No idea whatsoever! The young musicians of today don't have the right attitude towards learning. They think they know everything just because they can play a musical instrument and read a few notes. With this mindset, they learn nothing. Their skills are so technical and soulless. They chase fame and glamour. They want to be respected but they don't know how to show and give respect!

Some may say that my dad may already be a 'has-been', together with the others of his time and those who came before him. But they will never be forgotten because their names have gone down in history, etched in stone, forever. As for these wannabes, all I know for sure is that they will be forgotten like yesterday's breakfast. Yeah... old musicians of yore may be has beens now. But at least they have been here. As for the wannabes, that's all they will ever be...

Poor insignificant fools!

Golden Nuggets - Food for the Soul

"If you avoid certain situations because you're worried about the outcome, you never get to learn what would have happened if you had faced those situations. You deprive yourself of the chance to see how you would have coped. When you decide to avoid, you experience a temporary state of relief, but you're also left feeling powerless and deflated, as if you can't control your own behavior. Eventually you become discouraged and disheartened as a vague sense of feeling paralyzed sets in. This is how avoidance slowly eats away your self-confidence over time... Push yourself to feel vulnerable - this allows you to learn that you can handle whatever happens, and that even the most difficult of emotions can't destroy you. We're all capable of feeling intense fear so we can escape life-threatening situations... But usually people avoid things that simply make them feel uncomfortable."

- From Women Who Worry Too Much, by Holly Hazlett-Stevens, PhD

"Telling the truth when we feel vulnerable is one of the hardest things to do. We might fear rejection, abandonment, disapproval, disappointment, rage, hurt, or just the raw exposure that's an unavoidable part of the process. Yet almost every time we're willing to tell a hard truth, we grow and deepen in presence, no matter the response. The energy that we previously locked up to maintain a false front is now freed to uplift and enliven us."

- From How Now: 100 Ways to Celebrate the Present Moment, by Raphael Cushnir.

Happy 43rd Birthday, Mad.

Dearest Mad,

I won't ask how you are because I already know that you are better than where I am now. I have no more questions for you. I only have wishes and hopes. I wish for Allah to keep you safely in His Most Loving arms and that you are at peace. I hope you know how much I still miss you. I hope you know how hard I have been trying to go on living without you. I hope you don't know that whenever I miss you, I will tell myself that you're too busy repairing someone's car. And that you will call me once you're done under the car.

I can still hear your voice. I can still see your face. Your laughter still peals in my ears. My heart still feels your loving and sincere friendship. All these things about you still makes me smile... and tears to roll down my cheeks.

I still remember the last time we celebrated your birthday together. Your mother had just passed away a few weeks before your birthday and you were not feeling up to welcoming your birthday. It was mid 2006. Jasmene and I had driven up to Penang to spend a few days with you because Jee, your beautiful wife, was healing from chicken pox in her parent's home in Kelantan. We had dinner eating "celor-celor" for 2 nights in a row just because I loved it so much. I remember how you would patiently peel the shell of the prawns we were eating while telling us how you enjoyed doing that for Jee.

Your last holiday with your whole family was in Cherating, end of 2007. Your sister, Fairuz, showed us the videos and photos that were taken during that trip. It was very obvious that you made everyone felt happy and loved. You always had the talent to make people laugh.... or at least bring a smile to even the saddest heart.

Just so you know, Mad, Jasmene, the girls and I had just returned from a trip to Cherating. we stopped at the R & R you and your family stopped at, looking for that old lady you convinced that your whole family was selling camel oil. And we took the same route you took 7 months earlier. And throughout the journey, every car that had a Penang number plate would remind me of you.

This is all that I can do to celebrate your birthday this year, Mad. Here's your birthday present from Jasmene, JC, Lissa and me. And yes... I still love and miss you.

Al-Fatihah for Mohammad Abdul Rahman Zubaidi
2nd June 1965



**Please play this video till the end. Thank you.

A Step Back, A Leap Forward.

It took me more than a month to muster the courage to blog again. I have been having trouble trusting my internal dialogues. Intermittent with cackling of sarcastic laughter and tirades of self-defeating thoughts, my brain has been kept busy night and day.

The past few weeks have been filled with trying moments. I finally experienced the 'fight or flight' rush first hand for the first time. I have always considered myself brave. However, these last few weeks had reduced me to a shriveling blob of emotions. I just wanted to crawl into a cave and stay there until all my troubles had dissipated into thin air. I didn't care about the lessons to be learnt. I didn't give two hoots about the wisdom awaiting beyond the silver lining cloud. I just wanted to be left alone with my own insecurities and fears. I was afraid to let them go.

However, my caring lecturer and new friend, Dr. Wan Kader, didn't urge me to simply snap out of it. Neither did he try to coax me to leave my fears in the cave and come out alone. He just waited for me to take my time deciding what to do with my fears. He listened quietly and attentively when I found my voice again among the chaotic emotional and cognitive mess I was in.

How did I get to be that way? I don't know. What kept me awake at nights and restless during the days? I don't know. All I know was that I needed help. I need to be rescued but I needed someone I trust that can help me. I waited for the right person to show up before I extended my hand to ask for help. Please save me. I'm drowning in my own thoughts and emotions.

The marathon group counseling retreat was both daunting and exciting at the same time. I allowed myself to regress because I know that I needed to do that in order to progress. And so I did. I came away from the retreat feeling tired from the lack of sleep but I felt brand new. I have found myself again. I didn't die from the drowning experience. Instead, I learned to swim.

When I arrived for the retreat, my biggest issue was trusting again. Somehow, there was a link between how badly I took the betrayal of two old friends and the passing of my soul brother, Mad. My cathartic moment revealed that my trust in Mad didn't die with him. I can still continue to trust him. He's still trustworthy.

I also realized that during my drowning period, I had disconnected myself from people around me... those that I can still trust. Those who still care and love me. I'm grateful to Allah for the timely intervention I received from Dr Wan Kader. I almost lost everything while mourning what I thought I had lost.

Now, I am determined to be the beacon of light to those who are lost at their torrential sea. I will make sure they won't crash their ships and that they make it safely home to where they belong. I will continue to share my trials and tribulations with others, even as a small lesson to be learnt. Everything has value and meaning. Everything....