I always enjoy book stores. Somehow, a sense of peace and serenity always wash over me with a secret hush whenever I'm surrounded by rows and rows of books. My paradise of tranquility.
Today, as usual, I stole a moment to walk into a quaint little bookshop right in the hustle and bustle of city life. The cool air-conditioning in the shop slowly dried the mild afternoon sweat off my forehead. My eyes began to wander hungrily over the many titles of magazines and books galore. My head tilted left and right, scanning the covers for topics that might peak my interest or steal my attention.
And then suddenly, there it was... a little, thin book, propped quietly on a high shelf, with a very interesting title. I couldn't resist picking it up immediately. My fingers yearning to feel the touch of its beautiful jacket. I ran them over the embossed lettering. "An Hour to Live, an Hour to Love" by Richard Carlson and Kristine Carlson.
I gasped. I quickly turned the book over to read the many reviews listed on the back cover. And then my heart stopped beating for a moment. A stillness descended upon me. I felt the nearness of truth. Of love. My eyes fell upon these words...
"On their 18th wedding anniversary, in 2003, Richard Carlson (author of the bestselling Don't Sweat the Small Stuff) presented his wife, Kristine, with a short manuscript called An Hour to Live. He imagines he has an hour to live and poses questions originally asked by spiritual guide and author Stephen Levine: whom would you call? what would you say? and why are you waiting? Uncannily, the text foreshadowed Carlson's death three years later, at age 45, of a pulmonary embolism. Though he had no chance to make that last phone call, his wife (and the reader) already knows his feelings for her and their children. We also know what was important to him, which boils down to the old chestnut: no one, on their deathbed, ever wishes they'd spent more time at the office. Included in the book is Kristine's tribute to Richard, called An Hour to Love. Both pieces (only 50 pages and padded with Richard's favorite poem and blank pages for the reader's own answer to the key question) are heartfelt—and oddly unengaging. They tell the reader how wonderful the Carlsons' marriage was, but don't show why. We are left with a lovely ideal—too ideal for readers to relate to. (Jan. 15) - by Publishers Weekly."
"Richard Carlson, so beloved to many of us, writes to his own true love from a place somewhere between life and death. The love with which he writes to her, and the love with which she answers, provide a teaching for all of us: on life, on death, and on the existence of a spirit that transcends them both. - by Marianne Williamson, author of A Return to Love and The Age of Miracles."
I felt my eyes well up with tears, my throat tightened and my heart crying again. The remembrance of Mad. He was so loved by many, too. A very wise old man once asked me the same question. "If you only have 24 hours left to live, what would you do?"
I couldn't afford to purchase that book just now. I forced myself to return it in its place on the high shelf whilst promising to myself that I will be returning to that quaint little shop to make that precious treasure mine. My girls have already negotiated their turns at reading it. I end this writing for now. I shall make my next entry after I have savored the deliciousness of reading "An Hour to Live, an Hour to Love".
"Edward Perman Cole died in May, it was a Sunday afternoon and there wasn't a cloud in the sky. It's difficult to understand the sum of a persons life, some people would tell you it's measured by the ones left behind, some believe it can be measured in faith, some say by love, other folks say life has no meaning at all......Me, I believe you measure yourself by the people who measure themselves by you. What I can tell you for sure is that by any measure, Edward Cole lived more in his last days on earth than most people manage to wring out of a lifetime. I know that when he died his eyes were closed and his heart was opened......"
This was the opening line to this movie. To say that watching this flick had a profound affect on me and my attitude towards life is a great understatement.
I have one such list. Except that I didn't call it my Bucket List. I simply refer to it as "The things I wanna do before I die." 1. Perform my Haj. 2. Go to Mekkah with my family. 3. Repay all my debts. 4. See God's earth with my family. 5. See the 7 wonders of the world. 6. Learn to speak fluent Arabic and French. 7. Have a fantastic relationship with my daughters. 8. Live a simple but fulfilling life. 9. Learn psychology to the highest level.
And the list goes on. I believe more things will be added and some will be stricken out or checked off from the list.
Some may see the morbidity of it all. But I believe when we know how we want to die, we will discover how we want to live. Some people feel that this movie is simply about a list; a list of all the good things in life: places to be visited, people worth cherishing, values to which to cleave... and friendship. Well, everyone is entitled to their own interpretation of the meaning of this film. The Bucket List is about the importance of living life as if each moment might be your last.
Live everyday of your life as if it's your last and one day you'll be right.
There are many ways of looking at the much celebrated and overrated Valentine's Day. "It's a marketing strategy for greeting card companies." "It's a Christian celebration. You're a muslim. You shouldn't celebrate it." "Rose is like gold on Valentine's Day."
However, I choose to look at Valentine's Day in another way. To understand my point of view, consider this: How often do you tell the ones you love how much you love them?
We go about our everyday life, busy with commitments, things we have to do and haven't done, planning things to do over the next few days, weeks and many other normal distractions dished out by life and daily living. Our minds are often not in the present, the here and now. Most often, we are thinking about the past or considering our future. And then we wonder how time flies by sonic speed. And most of us go about feeling lonely in a crowd and unloved by those near and dear to us.
A wise old man once told me that if the ones you love do not feel loved by you, then the love you feel for them in your heart is redundant. It means nothing to those we love because that love is not relayed to them.
We need to learn to express the love we feel for people we love. We need to learn to live in the here and now. We need to seize every opportunity to give and receive love whenever and wherever we can. Because love is important in our lives.
There was this one Iraqi professor in my faculty who, as a response to my saying that Islam is about loving Allah, had said that my way of thinking is very Christian like. This was my reply, "Before we begin any form of prayer, we recite 'Bismillahhir rahmaannir rahiim.' which means 'In the name of Allah the Most Loving and the Most Forgiving.' Allah is Love. We, as human beings, simply cannot flourish or sustain ourselves without love. Many clinical research has been done that has proven this fact. A newborn baby that is simply fed with milk but not nourished with loving care will simply wither away and die."
Funny how most people like to look for differences between themselves and others simply to satisfy their inner desire to be different and unique. We are all unique and special. But looking for differences in mankind is not healthy for society as a whole. It's a fertile ground for social bigotry.
Embracing the spirit of Valentine's Day is not harmful to muslims. In fact, I believe we can learn something from this. If we are indeed always too busy to give and show love to those we feel love for, then why not allow this one day in the whole of the calendar year to give you the opportunity to do just that? I don't see any harm in that at all. After all, Valentine's Day is NOT about roses, chocolates or even a romantic dinner. It is also NOT about whether you have a boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife to celebrate it with. Its about appreciating the love you feel for those you do and showing it in the most memorable way.
Bottom line: If you don't wanna celebrate Valentine's Day, then show your love to those you love everyday. That's the muslim way of living and loving.
A birthday wish for my soul brother. May Allah forgive all his sins.
Zubair a.k.a Bear. The nearest person I have next to Mad.
I was dreading my birthday. Everyone knew that. But no one could really fathom the degree of dread I was feeling. Although consciously I know I will no longer be receiving any birthday calls from Mad, deep inside I was hoping that I would wake up from this nightmare and Mad would call, warbling a birthday song with Jee, his wife, laughing happily in the background.
My much loved and very understanding husband, Jasmene, to my agreement, made plans to hold a small gathering of people who knew and loved Mad. We wanted to hold a Tahlil for Mad and a Doa Selamat for me on the eve of my birthday. My loving Mom and brother plus his beautiful family obliged us to hold this gathering in their home.
We were sharing wonderful memories of Mad and the funny things he use to say and do. Bear did a fantastic job at distracting my attention from looking at the clock. My most feared time was 12 midnight. On the dot, the lights in the house went out and everyone broke into singing Happy Birthday, while my sweet sister-in-law, Fazlina, brought out the cake. I was so shocked that I was trembling. Just before I blew the candle, everyone urged me to make a wish. I whispered to God's ears, "Ya Allah, ampunkanlah semua dosa-dosa sahabatku Mohammad. Amiin."
Mad, you have given me more than what you did while you were alive. I now have your family to call my own too. When I embrace them, I feel you in their hearts. I can still feel your friendship and love for me, Mad. I hope my prayers and love reaches you, wherever you are.
The next morning, a steady flow of calls and smses came in from your siblings and families. Your sweet wife, Jee, called me and we spoke for almost an hour. We all miss you, Mad. And we always will.
Today, is the fourth Friday since your return to The Most Loving. Although I know you're in a much better place than here, I still miss you, soul brother. I hope you felt loved by me while you were here. I hope you still feel loved now. Because I still love you.
Rest in peace, Mad. I will always hold your love and friendship in my heart. But for your sake, I have to let you go.
"When you see my funeral, don't say, 'What a separation!' It is time for me to visit and meet the Beloved, Since you have seen my descent, then do see my rising. Why complain about the setting of the moon and the sun? Which seed that went under the earth failed to grow up again?"
A Sufi teaching says, "Die before you die." One interpretation is that you should strive to learn what you would be shown at death while you still have the time to make use of this knowledge, that is, while still alive in a body. The wisdom we achieve on death reveals the true value of what is important and what is not. How much richer life becomes if we are able to gain this perspective beforehand.
- An excerpt of Essential Sufism by James Fadiman & Robert Frager.
Who can say for certain Maybe you're still here I feel you all around me Your memory's so clear
Deep in the stillness I can hear you speak You're still an inspiration Can it be...
That you are my forever love And you are watching over me from up above
Fly me up to where you are Beyond the distant star I wish upon tonight To see you smile If only for awhile to know you're there A breath away's not far To where you are
Are you gently sleeping Here inside my dream And isn't faith believing All power can't be seen
As my heart holds you Just one beat away I cherish all you gave me Everyday...
'Cause you are my forever love Watching me from up above
And I believe That angels breathe And that love will live on and never leave
Fly me up to where you are Beyond the distant star I wish upon tonight to see you smile If only for awhile to know you're there A breath away's not far To where you are
I know you're there A breath away's not far To where you are
I remember clearly when we first met. I was upset after breaking off with my boyfriend at the time. You and I were both 18 and studying at KDU. Right from the beginning, you were distinctly different from the rest of the guys in the college. While others were judging me by my reputation, you were sincere in your friendship and never questioned why I was the way I was. You really saw me as who I am.
Throughout the years, our friendship deepened to a new level. We became soul siblings. Our living arrangements, you living and working in Penang and me in KL, made our hearts more fond of one another. We kept in touch with each other and never allowed the geographical distance to be an obstacle to our friendship. We wrote letters back and forth while I was studying in Swansea. When I returned to KL, you thought nothing of making an effort to look for me just so that we could catch up and update each other with what was going on in each of our lives.
You would drive down to KL from Penang at a drop of a hat, just to come to my Hari Raya open house. You would, without fail, call me on my birthday to sing to me "Happy Birthday" followed by words of appreciation of our long lasting friendship. You would always wrap it all up with a prayer for me, that I'd be happy and loved. You always made sure I felt happy and loved. Whenever the world seemed hostile and ugly to me, I knew for certain that you were always in my corner. You never left any room for my doubts or insecurities to creep in. You made sure I believe that we were always gonna be there for each other.
Our marriages to our respective spouses only magnified and enlarged the love shared between us. We even absorbed each other into the lives of our respective siblings and their families. Our friendship had produced a huge extended family unit. You became a part of my family, and I yours.
On the morning of 4th of January 2008, I received a call from your sister's phone. It was her husband, Dzuhari. He asked if it was me on the phone. I confirmed it, although my head was still foggy from just 2 hours of sleep. He mumbled something and mentioned your name. I couldn't make out what he was saying. My head was still blurry. And then his words hit me. "Mad dah tak dak. He passed away an hour ago." I was shocked to silence. And then I felt the tightness in my chest progress up to a lump in my throat and then I heard myself screaming, "NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Not Mad!! No! No!! This is not true!!" I refused to believe this atrociousness. After he filled me in with the family's plans to drive up to Penang, I quietly thanked him for informing me and I ended the call.
The things that I did immediately following that call is still a pandemonium of recollections. My denial was the only thing that kept me from collapsing. I steely called Jasmene who was sending Jc and Lissa to school. I heard myself telling him about your death. And that was when I broke into pieces. I am broken. When he returned, Jasmene immediately came to hold me. But at that moment, what I needed most was another call. A call from you telling me that it was all a mistake. But that call never came. I am still waiting.
Jasmene, being the strong one, made all the necessary arrangements for us to make our way to Penang as soon as possible. I called my mom and asked her to handle Jc and Lissa who were in school. We handed her the keys to our house, packed an overnight bag and sped to KLIA to buy a flight ticket.
As I stood at your doorstep, I could see Fairoz, your sister, sitting there crying. She looked at me, as if in a daze. In a flash, she was hugging me and we were both crying in each other's arms. She invited me into your house and there you were, on a bed in the middle of the living room, covered in kain batik and your face covered with a white cloth. Za, your eldest sister said to me, "Come see Mad, Ana. Come give him a kiss..." The moment she lifted the white cloth that veiled your face, my knees gave way. I broke into an inconsolable bawl. I literally felt my heart shatter to smithereens.
I braved myself to really look at your face. You looked as if you were sleeping. You had a smile on your face. I was half expecting you to sit and say, " Awat? Terkejut kaa..? Hahahahhahahaa..." I was expecting you to be the joker and prankster that you're known to be and loved for. I lowered my face to kiss your forehead. Your forehead felt cold to my lips.
Your siblings made sure Jasmene and I were included in all the preparations for your funeral. Jasmene was asked to participate in giving you your last bath. I was asked to lay some flowers and camphor mix inside your burial cloth. There was not a single dry eye in the house that day. Everything went very well, right from the beginning till the end.
I felt a wreaking pain in my chest as I heard your Talqin being recited to you. I opened my palms skyward, pleading and praying to Allah that He'll bless your soul, forgive your sins, widen your grave, spare you from torture and punishment of barzakh and hell fire. And when the crowd began to slowly leave the cemetary, I sat by your grave and said my goodbyes.
Mad, I'm sorry I never got to say how much you really mean to me. I never got to really thank you for all the wonderful things you have said and done. I never got to apologize for any wrong doings I may have unintentionally done onto you. There's so much more that I never got to say to you, although deep down I know you already know it. I can still hear you talking to me in my head. I can still see your smiling cheeky face in my eyes. I told myself that I know for sure that your death has changed me forever. But soon after, I heard your voice in my head saying, " Ana, janganlah berubah banyak sangat. Sat gi Mad tak kenai.."
Don't worry about your beloved wife, Jee. Jasmene and I promise to shower her with your portion of our love, friendship and loyalty. We will take care of her. Same goes for your whole family. Zah, Khalid, Latif, Bod, Zee, Bear, Fairoz, Hanim and all the other members of your family have embraced my family and I into their wonderful and loving arms. We will continue to maintain everything beautiful that you have created during your lifetime.
I am hopeful that there will come a day when my grief is replaced by something beautiful. I don't know if the dead can return to this earth and move about unseen by those who loved them, but if they can, then I know that you will always be with us. You are not gone forever. You are standing with Allah, alongside my soul, helping to guide me toward a future I cannot predict.
This is not a goodbye, Mad. This is a thank you. Thank you for coming into my life and giving me joy, thank you for loving me and receiving my love in return. Thank you for the memories I will cherish forever. But most of all, thank you for letting your death show me how to really live. To live good and well.
My birthdays will no longer be the same without your calls and birthday songs. I shall always miss you.
I love you, Mad. My soul brother, my friend.
Al Fatihah for Mohammad Abdul Rahman Zubaidi 2nd June 1965 - 4th January 2008.
I always enjoy book stores. Somehow, a sense of peace and serenity always wash over me with a secret hush whenever I'm surrounded by rows and rows of books. My paradise of tranquility. 
