The Birthday Gift

With Fairoz and Hanim.

Two families merge.

A birthday wish for my soul brother. May Allah forgive all his sins.

Zubair a.k.a Bear. The nearest person I have next to Mad.

I was dreading my birthday. Everyone knew that. But no one could really fathom the degree of dread I was feeling. Although consciously I know I will no longer be receiving any birthday calls from Mad, deep inside I was hoping that I would wake up from this nightmare and Mad would call, warbling a birthday song with Jee, his wife, laughing happily in the background.

My much loved and very understanding husband, Jasmene, to my agreement, made plans to hold a small gathering of people who knew and loved Mad. We wanted to hold a Tahlil for Mad and a Doa Selamat for me on the eve of my birthday. My loving Mom and brother plus his beautiful family obliged us to hold this gathering in their home.

We were sharing wonderful memories of Mad and the funny things he use to say and do. Bear did a fantastic job at distracting my attention from looking at the clock. My most feared time was 12 midnight. On the dot, the lights in the house went out and everyone broke into singing Happy Birthday, while my sweet sister-in-law, Fazlina, brought out the cake. I was so shocked that I was trembling. Just before I blew the candle, everyone urged me to make a wish. I whispered to God's ears, "Ya Allah, ampunkanlah semua dosa-dosa sahabatku Mohammad. Amiin."

Mad, you have given me more than what you did while you were alive. I now have your family to call my own too. When I embrace them, I feel you in their hearts. I can still feel your friendship and love for me, Mad. I hope my prayers and love reaches you, wherever you are.

The next morning, a steady flow of calls and smses came in from your siblings and families. Your sweet wife, Jee, called me and we spoke for almost an hour. We all miss you, Mad. And we always will.

Today, is the fourth Friday since your return to The Most Loving. Although I know you're in a much better place than here, I still miss you, soul brother. I hope you felt loved by me while you were here. I hope you still feel loved now. Because I still love you.

Rest in peace, Mad. I will always hold your love and friendship in my heart. But for your sake, I have to let you go.

"When you see my funeral, don't say, 'What a separation!'
It is time for me to visit and meet the Beloved,
Since you have seen my descent, then do see my rising.
Why complain about the setting of the moon and the sun?
Which seed that went under the earth failed to grow up again?"

- by Rumi from Essential Sufism.