Let. God. Drive.

After 3 years of working as a full time lecturer at a private university, I have decided to go back to my private practice. Many questioned my decision, mostly were concerned with my future finances. I guess its fair for them to worried, given that they don't know how well Allah has been providing for me before my full time employment.

Private practitioners were, and are still, seen as 'risk takers.' Many do not see private practice as "real work" simply because it lacks a fixed amount of monthly income. Private practice is also flexible with regards to working hours. However, during my full time employment stint, I have come to realize how draining work can be. It can certainly kill any passion you may have for your profession. Work/life balance is almost non-existence and self-care is often left out of our priority list. We struggle to make time for those we love. And the reason why we cry at funerals of our loved ones is guilt. Guilt for not spending enough time with them while they were still alive and well.

I saw my spiritual wellbeing deteriorate during my full time employment. I also saw how quickly my mother's memory spiralled downwards to the point where she wasn't able to do the usual tasks she was able to do for herself. That was when I had to stop. Enough was enough. I need to refocus on what truly matters in my life.

I am grateful for the times I spent nurturing and guiding young counselors into professionals with optimum potentials. I have met many beautiful souls during my years in that university and I do not regret that one bit. But as I have taught developmental psychology as a subject for 3 years now, I am well aware of whats coming in the future. Everyone ages and eventually, everyone will die. We were born, we live, we age, and then we die. But what will be remembered most by others is how much we have touched their lives.

I am grateful for the chance to continue lecturing on a part time basis. This way, I will only need to teach one subject per semester and still do counseling in my private practice and strike an awesome balance in life. God is important to me. My family is important to me. I am important to me.

I feel very blessed to have witnessed so much growth in my students. Those who started out struggling with personal challenges have now bloomed into very caring, empathic, and very professional individuals. I am immensely proud of each and every one of them. I truly am.

Now, as 2018 draws to an end, I eagerly look forward to next year. An abundance of contentment through new additions to the family, daughters working at building their own muscles to fly, and finally, making my dream come true for MY Confidential. Last but not least, continuing my work in crisis intervention.

How do I feel about the future? Am I not worried about the uncertainties in life? For as long as Allah is driving my car, I will continue to be in good and safe hands. Keep the faith. Trust in Him. Hold on tight.

Smile.

The Beauty in Being Broken

This quote explains why I have been in a creative rut lately. I guess my medication for depression and anxiety are very effective. Even my designs in Design Home game is suffering! This should be good news, right? Yes..... Then, why am I writing an entry today?

I glance out my office window that overlooks a scenic view Damansara Heights. A field of roofs glistening under the scorching hot sun. I draw a deep breath and think of my need to say something today. I know what it is about. I just need to compose it as eloquently as possible. You see, its not just important that people understand what I am trying to say. What's most important is that everyone understands me exactly as how I want them to understand. Therefore, the burden of explanation weighs heavily on my shoulders.

I stand up and walk out my office room. I need to think. I need something to do while I think. I head straight for a money plant that is swimming in a clear glass vase filled with mossy green water. I pick it up and head for the Ladies. My head entertaining words and phrases. Yes. I see words in my head but visuals in my eyes. That does not need to make sense to anyone else.

I am back at my desk and well aware that depression has been following me for quite a while now. I have successfully ignored it until last night. But today, it follows me to work. Logic tells me I cannot afford to have a depressive crash right now. I have too much work to get done. I have two subjects to teach this semester. I cannot afford to have depression right now. Somehow, it always comes at an ill opportune time. Which beckons the question, "Is there ever a good time for depression?"

Last night I watched Split 2016. James McAvoy was superb in his portrayal of Kevin and his 23 other personalities. I was intrigued by Dr. Fletcher and how she handled a client with DID. Marvelous! I learned while watching that movie. Something stayed with me. This:

"The broken are the more evolved. Rejoice!" Wow! I have never seen being broken as a reason for rejoicing before. And then I searched for other quotes about being broken. Here are some that illustrate what I am trying to articulate.

Yeah. What they said. That's what I want to write. But it has already been written by so many others. Others who got broken way before me. Others who shine and twinkle like stars in the dead darkness of night. The moon may have its beauty; but its the stars that twinkle and make minds wonder.

I am still unable to string my own words for this entry. I lean on words of others who have suffered long before I did, for much longer than I have. I salute their resolution. May theirs be mine soon.