Its almost the end of the year and I'm already all spent. 2008 began with me losing Mad, my soul brother. As much as I have tried to get over his passing, grieving is not something I can just shrug off and leave on the floor and kick under my bed. I plodded through the months half alive, trying not to think or feel. Just functioning and working on my career and Masters study.
Eidil Fitri came and went without much happy memory. Dad was hospitalized and we had no real reason to celebrate. Eidil Adha had just passed recently and another disaster had struck me. My laptop's hard drive died on me. I lost almost all my data, except for my Masters assignments folder. And then it hit me like a bulldozer. In life, along the journey, we lose things. Some things can be retrieved. But there are some losses that we may never see again. Suddenly, I am mourning the loss of Mad again. Funny how losing my data from my hard drive connects to Mad's death. I can never see him again. I can never see him again.
You'd think that a woman who is about to hit 44 in age would have the emotional maturity to accept the given facts of life. But this isn't about understanding the way life works or accepting the laws of nature. Neither is this about others. Its about ME!
Given all the things that had happened to me this year, I think I've earned the right to grieve and mourn. My emotional and psychological fatigue is justifiable. I can be strong when I have the resources to be so. But at this moment, I'm all spent. I'm all spent. I have nothing more to give. And I can't take it anymore. I'm done. For now.
1 comment:
My dearest sister,
through all that had happened for the past months, I've realized the same thing too. But I learned one thing though.. Yes, in our lifetime, we are bound to loose something that may be precious to us.. But it is Allah's way of reminding us that He is all eternity and we will never loose Him as long as we hold on to Him. If you consider yourself as a giver, then one day, you'll find yourself exhausted of things to give. But if you treat all the things that you loose as sacrifice in the name of Allah, then it would not hurt so much.
I understand your need for mourning and just wanted to tell you that Faz and me will always be there for you, like how you've been there for us. There's nothing that we could give that would elevate you from your feelings except for our love to you. We love you so dearly. Like how you constantly remind us to be strong, now we want to remind you... be strong. Allah is with you.. Ah Chong is also with you. Your kids are with you.. and all of us are with you. We may have our differences but at the end of the day, we're still one big happy family... Amin.. Amin.. Amin Ya Rabbal 'alamin..
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