I Want to be Ugly

Original source:  http://educateinspirechange.org/inspirational/everyone-warned-touch-guy/

For 5 year old Ana

Dear Little Ana,

I know more than anybody else what you went through. You felt frightened and guilty each time you heard your parents quarrel. You felt confused each time you were punished for something you didn't understand you did wrong. Your trust was violated. You suffered physical and emotional abuse. You didn't deserve to have all those things happen to you. There was nothing you could have done to make your home peaceful and safe. The empty house was not your fault. It was not your failure. You can let go of your guilt now. You are innocent and pure.

I want to rescue you from all that pain. I want to protect you from any further pain. I will protect you from hurtful and manipulative people. I will fight to keep you safe. I will defend you. You are such a sweet little girl. You are so cute! You are so so adorable. You are creative and talented. I love you just the way you are. Allah smiled upon you when you were born. You were designed for greatness. You are worthy of love. You are so loved by so many people.

I am here for you now. I will never leave you. I will always be your champion. You are so welcomed in my life. And I will love you no matter what. There is nothing you can do that can ever stop me from loving and caring for you. The way you are is okay with me. Just be yourself and be proud of who you are. You are not alone anymore. I will make sure of that. That's my promise to you and I will never break this promise to you. I carry you in my heart and you will remain close to me everywhere I go.

I love you eternally.

Adult Ana
xoxo

After Eight Moist Chocolate Cupcakes. My Recipe for Moving On.

8th of March will always be a day to remember MH370. Among my many efforts to heal and move forward is by baking. I came across a simple moist chocolate cupcake recipe and decided to give it my own twist by inserting a thin sliver of chocolate mint thins in the middle of the cupcakes. The result was really yummy! So, here's the recipe for those who wanna try this:

After Eight Moist Chocolate Cupcakes

• 1¾ cups all purpose flour
• 2 cups fine brown sugar
• ¾ cup unsweetened cocoa powder
• 1½ tsp baking soda
• ¾ teaspoon salt
• 2 large eggs
• 1 cup buttermilk (or substitute by putting 1 tbsp white vinegar in a cup then filling the rest up with milk; let stand 5 minutes until thickened)
• ½ cup vegetable oil 
• 1 tbsp vanilla extract
• 1 cup hot coffee (or 2 tsp instant coffee in 1 cup boiling water)
• 1 box of After Eight chocolate mint thins

Instructions

To make cupcakes:

1. Preheat oven to 375 degrees F. Line two 12-cup muffin tins with paper liners; set aside.
2. In the large bowl of a standing mixer, stir together flour, sugar, cocoa, baking soda, and salt. Add eggs, buttermilk, vegetable oil and vanilla extract and beat until smooth (about 3 minutes). Remove bowl from mixer and stir in hot coffee with a rubber spatula. Batter will be very runny.
3. Remove bowl from mixer, and use a tablespoon to pour batter into the prepared muffin cups. Pour in 2 tablespoons of batter into the muffin cups, lay 1 piece of After Eight chocolate thins onto the batter, and then cover with another tablespoon of batter. Do not fill the muffin cups more than two-thirds full (or else batter will rise over and make a big mess - not bigger cupcakes).Repeat the same for the rest of the muffin cups. Bake 20-24 minutes, or until cupcakes feel slightly springy when you gently press their centres. Transfer cupcakes to wire racks to cool completely.

Makes approximately 20 cupcakes.

Choosing to Love Myself

"The 1998 book, Choice Theory: A New Psychology of Personal Freedom, is the primary text for all that is taught by The William Glasser Institute. Choice theory states that:

• all we do is behave,
• that almost all behavior is chosen, and
• that we are driven by our genes to satisfy five basic needs: survival, love and belonging, power, freedom and fun.

In practice, the most important need is love and belonging, as closeness and connectedness with the people we care about is a requisite for satisfying all of the needs."

Source: William Glasser Institute

Today, I've decided to focus on our need for love. We all need to love  and feel closely connected with those who are important to us and be loved by them in return. But lets ponder upon something: how many of us actually include ourselves as someone of equal importance in our own lives? How many of us include ourselves in our Quality Worlds? How many of us feel connected to our own inner selves?

The past few months have been emotionally challenging to me, to say the least. I found myself feeling unappreciated and invisible to those whom I considered worthy to exist in my Quality World. I felt disappointed when they didn't reciprocate the things I had gone out of my way to do in order for them feel happy and loved. And it was truly difficult for me to shift my perspective and look at what happened from other angles. I couldn't figure out why I kept allowing them to disappoint me when they have an excellent track record at letting me down repeatedly. I understand the concept that just because I have them in my Quality World, that does not guarantee that I will be in their's. If such is the case, I should be able to easily communicate my personal boundaries to them and tell them that what they were doing to me is not okay. I was able to do that with most of those in my Quality World. But why couldn't I do the same to the few that were hurting me and causing me a lot of emotional stress?

It was during my latest session with my therapist that I experienced a very powerful inner revelation: I loved those who were hurting me more than I love myself! Wow! That was a real huge wrecking ball to break my concrete hard mental blocks!

Think about it for a moment. Why don't we include ourselves in our own Quality Worlds? Why? Is it possible we suffer from self loathing? Is it possible that our inner bullies have judged us unworthy of being loved by others? When someone tells us they love us, how many of us battle the inner cynic that whispers "Yeah, sure!" It is easy for us to believe we are loved by our parents and siblings. But when it comes to others who are not related to us, we counter their expressions of love with disbelief. I seriously think this stems from lack of self love. And this is not healthy. At all. And lets take a look at the Seven Deadly Habits. How easy it is for us to criticize, blame, complain, nag, threaten, punish and bribe (often with junk food or impulsive spending) ourselves.

Imagine practicing the Seven Caring Habits onto ourselves for just a day. We can either choose to apply all Seven Caring Habits onto ourselves in a day (all 7 in 1 day, once a week), or choose one of the Seven Caring Habits onto ourselves for one whole week (1 Caring Habit a day, everyday, for 1 week). In fact, there's a variety of ways you can apply this idea onto yourself. The sky the limit as far as this is concerned!

Imagine how you would feel if you were to practice supporting your inner self all throughout a day; or even a week! Of course, you would still be getting support from people around you. But if you do not feel you are worthy of accepting any external support, no matter how supportive people are around you, you would still end up feeling alone and unsupported. The same goes with the rest of the caring habits such as encouraging, listening, accepting, trusting, respecting yourself and negotiating differences that exist between what lies within you and what you show the world.

Do you view yourself idealistically according to how you see yourself in your Quality World or are you able to accept yourself realistically as who you really are? Are you congruent with yourself? Does your inside match your outside? Are you able to be authentic and sincere with yourself? Chances are, if you feel exhausted and glad to be home within your comfort zone after a social outing because it does take a lot out of you to behave a certain way and suppress your true self, it is highly possible that you are afraid to be yourself. That is a sign of lack of self acceptance and lack of self worth.

What I am suggesting is that we practice the Seven Caring Habits onto ourselves FIRST before we even start doing the same onto others. A cliche quote comes to mind. "Charity begins at home." Here's mine: "If you don't love yourself, you don't know what love is."

Aquarian Dragon Woman

I am the unquenchable fire,

The center of all energy, 

The stout heroic heart. 

I am the truth and the light, 

I hold power and glory in my sway. 

My presence 

Disperses dark clouds. 

I have been chosen 

To tame the Fates 

I AM THE DRAGON

• Chinese name for the Dragon: LOONG
• Ranking order: Fifth
• Hours ruled by the Dragon: 7am to 9am
• Direction of its sign: East-Southeast
• Season and principal month: Spring - April
• Corresponds to the Western sign: Aries
• Fixed element: Wood
• Stem: Positive

The Dragon lady is the Grand Dame of the cycle. She will be a suffragette, a believer of equal rights for women. Double standards and discrimination will arouse her wildest passions. What a man can do, she can probably do better. Don't underestimate her. She is going to beat you at your own game--or die trying. She'll never stand idly by and accept her fate. She is the stuff empires are built on, the matriarch of old. Cross her and the sky will fall.

To tell the truth, the Dragon female is strictly a no-nonsense person. She will show this by the way she dresses. Practical and functional clothes appeal to her most. No frills, flimsy laces, buttons and bows, but a minimum of complications. Clothes that go on and off easily and provide her with maximum movement will be her top choice. She hates restrictions and limitations. Actually, she may even secretly perfer a uniform if she has military or institutional inclinations. This way, starched, crisp, and superbly efficient, she can pop off to work every day without the bother of having to decide what to wear.

The Dragon girl seldom, if ever, overdecorates herself. Her brilliance is in her mind and this will shine forth, without any trimmings. Self-esteem rates very high with all Dragons, so the Dragon female will be no exception. She doesn't expect to be treated like divinity though she does have her airs. She just wants your respect and she will do everything in her power to get it. 

The lady Dragon is totally emancipated, so strongarm tactics will get you nowhere. You might as well resign yourself--she will have the last word.

AQUARIAN DRAGON: AIR + POSITIVE WOOD

The catalytic effect of this combinations is a person with clarity of expression backed by an authoritativeness that is difficult to ignore or challenge. The Aquarian Dragon is forever changing and improving; an individualistic and constant expander of modes. Deceit is anathema to the shining Dragon, while the breezy Aquarian wins distinction for her ability to deal with people and tough situations. This person can be sudden and unorthodox, but never cruel or scheming. Both signs here can forgive and forget, although the Dragon is warlike when thwarted, whereas the Water Bearer is more broad-minded and brotherly.

Source: http://www.angelfire.com/falcon/staurina/dragon.html

A Letter for My Mother on My 50th Birthday

29^th January 2015.

Dearest Mak,

As I recall, the last time I wrote a letter to you was just before I returned from Swansea, back in 1986. I can’t remember exactly what was written in that letter. However, I do remember why I wrote that letter to you. It was to explain to you how I felt towards you back then; that I feared you more than I loved you.

Almost three decades have passed since my last letter to you and I believe it is time for me to write another letter to you. And this time, my intention is different from the last. This time, I want you to know how I remember you as I grew up and eventually how I feel towards you now.

My earliest memory of being with you was when I couldn’t even speak yet. A thought crossed my mind as to what would happen to me if anything were to happen to you. Who would take care of me? That very thought was scary enough to make me cry. I remember you asking why I was crying. But I was too young and I had not learnt how to speak yet back then.

I do want to focus on my adult life with you. I have come to appreciate all the sacrifices you have made to bring up your children as a single mother. You have instilled in us your wisdom regarding choices we make and the consequences that come with those choices. You have instilled in us discipline and the importance of loyalty to family. You have instilled in us the integrity and self-respect with which we must carry with us always in maintaining the good name of our family’s reputation. You taught me how to learn from my mistakes and do it with grace and style.

Through my struggles fighting depression, I saw how much it pained you to witness the process of my recovery. I shared all of what I discussed with my therapist with you because it was important to me that you are able to see that I will turn out alright despite how badly I was suffering during that process. I wanted you to be comforted by the fact that you have brought me up to become a strong woman. You have shown me how an independent and resourceful woman looks like. I have learnt so much just by watching you do what you do. I am so proud to have you as my mother.

Today, I would like to thank you for giving birth to me. Today, as I turn half a century, I have come into my own person. I am all that I am because of you. Because of all the things you have done. Because some of the things you did not do. Because of all the good things you have said. Because of the times you followed your instincts and remained smiling silently. You have been such a huge influence in my life and sometimes it is hard to tell where you end and I begin. In the end, it does not matter. What matters most is that I am grateful for all the things I have learnt from you. I am grateful for all the support you have given me, solicited or otherwise. You will always remain the source of my moral compass. Thank you for loving me the way you do. I love you, Mak.

Your one and only daughter,

Ana.

2014: What a Year!

There's only a week left to 2014 and if anyone were to look at my Facebook timeline, they'll be able to see how much of an adventure this year has been for me. This year has seen me through two storms followed by a beautiful childhood dream come true. God has tested my emotional and psychological endurance and rewarded me with something so memorable that I believe I will remember until my last breath.

MH370 was a storm of a mission that proved to me that I can remain functional and effective despite my severe depression. MH17 mission ensued far too soon and as much as I tried to continue functioning, I had to confess it was too much for me to handle. Both tragedies were equally devastating to my beloved country and national airline; but in different ways. As terrible as MH17 may have been, at least there was closure for the families and relatives, unlike MH370 that remains a mystery until today. Documentaries were made by international channels, one of which made it appear as though I was one of the grieving family members. See for yourself in the video below, 30 mins 38 secs into the documentary. 

During the time I took to recover from MH17, my father spoke to me about his concert that was going to be on 13th December. It would showcase his compositions and symphonic arrangements, with a huge orchestra of 60 musicians. He invited me to perform 3 of his compositions, one of them being a song he had composed for his father entitled Oh Papaku (Oh My Father). I was both excited and nervous as the months reduced to weeks and days approaching the day of the concert. I attended all rehearsals equipped with vigour and enthusiasm. 

I remember fondly how I used to follow my father to his orchestra rehearsals and watched him conduct the orchestra, backing up our nation's superstars such as Anita Sarawak, Saloma and Sharifah Aini. I dreamed and fervently wished that one day, I will be able to get a chance to sing with an orchestra under my father's baton. I waited for 45 years. It was worth the wait. And the day of the concert arrived.

As I sang the first line of the song Berdebar Rasa Hati (Nervous Beating of the Heart), I heard my voice quiver. I was nervous. Among the audience were my mother and brothers, relatives and very close friends. They were emotional and nervous too, because they know my story. They know how much this night mean to me. 

After the first song ended, my father proudly introduced me to the audience. He then went on to speak about the song he had composed for his late father, Mohd Salleh Bin Mohammad. It was a very emotionally touching moment and I feared my emotions might get in my way of rendering the song. I knew that if I were to sing that song with my father in mind, I will break into tears. I decided that I will sing the song on behalf of my father, for his father. I focused on my late grandfather's face. His smile. His quiet demeanour. I focused on Atok Salleh.

The audience responded to Konsert Maestro Dato' Johari Salleh with a standing ovation and two encores! I felt so much pride in my heart for my father, I could feel as though my chest was going to explode! It was a truly spectacular night and emotionally charged. 

I am ready to move forward, leaving painful past behind. I am ready to start a new book. As I turn 50 a month from now, I will begin a life that is going to look very different from my past. I will be embarking on several endeavours that I have never taken on before. I am truly excited and nervous at the same time. But I fear nothing except Allah.

Thank you to Noorazah Aziz, my Mak, who brought up my brothers and I with so much love, grace and elegance. 

Thank you to Johari Salleh, my Ayah, who always wished for nothing but the best for us all. 

Most of all, thank you to Wan, my grandfather, who took my brothers and I under his wings and groomed us to be such refined and educated people that we are today. Without him, we would just be mediocre underachievers.

Yesterday, I looked like this.

Today, I am back to the simple but intricate me:

Now, I am ready to make the rest of my life to be the best of my life. May Allah bless me with the strength, endurance, talents and intelligence to make Him proud of humble me. Ameen.