A Letter for My Mother on My 50th Birthday

29^th January 2015.

Dearest Mak,

As I recall, the last time I wrote a letter to you was just before I returned from Swansea, back in 1986. I can’t remember exactly what was written in that letter. However, I do remember why I wrote that letter to you. It was to explain to you how I felt towards you back then; that I feared you more than I loved you.

Almost three decades have passed since my last letter to you and I believe it is time for me to write another letter to you. And this time, my intention is different from the last. This time, I want you to know how I remember you as I grew up and eventually how I feel towards you now.

My earliest memory of being with you was when I couldn’t even speak yet. A thought crossed my mind as to what would happen to me if anything were to happen to you. Who would take care of me? That very thought was scary enough to make me cry. I remember you asking why I was crying. But I was too young and I had not learnt how to speak yet back then.

I do want to focus on my adult life with you. I have come to appreciate all the sacrifices you have made to bring up your children as a single mother. You have instilled in us your wisdom regarding choices we make and the consequences that come with those choices. You have instilled in us discipline and the importance of loyalty to family. You have instilled in us the integrity and self-respect with which we must carry with us always in maintaining the good name of our family’s reputation. You taught me how to learn from my mistakes and do it with grace and style.

Through my struggles fighting depression, I saw how much it pained you to witness the process of my recovery. I shared all of what I discussed with my therapist with you because it was important to me that you are able to see that I will turn out alright despite how badly I was suffering during that process. I wanted you to be comforted by the fact that you have brought me up to become a strong woman. You have shown me how an independent and resourceful woman looks like. I have learnt so much just by watching you do what you do. I am so proud to have you as my mother.

Today, I would like to thank you for giving birth to me. Today, as I turn half a century, I have come into my own person. I am all that I am because of you. Because of all the things you have done. Because some of the things you did not do. Because of all the good things you have said. Because of the times you followed your instincts and remained smiling silently. You have been such a huge influence in my life and sometimes it is hard to tell where you end and I begin. In the end, it does not matter. What matters most is that I am grateful for all the things I have learnt from you. I am grateful for all the support you have given me, solicited or otherwise. You will always remain the source of my moral compass. Thank you for loving me the way you do. I love you, Mak.

Your one and only daughter,

Ana.

2014: What a Year!

There's only a week left to 2014 and if anyone were to look at my Facebook timeline, they'll be able to see how much of an adventure this year has been for me. This year has seen me through two storms followed by a beautiful childhood dream come true. God has tested my emotional and psychological endurance and rewarded me with something so memorable that I believe I will remember until my last breath.

MH370 was a storm of a mission that proved to me that I can remain functional and effective despite my severe depression. MH17 mission ensued far too soon and as much as I tried to continue functioning, I had to confess it was too much for me to handle. Both tragedies were equally devastating to my beloved country and national airline; but in different ways. As terrible as MH17 may have been, at least there was closure for the families and relatives, unlike MH370 that remains a mystery until today. Documentaries were made by international channels, one of which made it appear as though I was one of the grieving family members. See for yourself in the video below, 30 mins 38 secs into the documentary. 

During the time I took to recover from MH17, my father spoke to me about his concert that was going to be on 13th December. It would showcase his compositions and symphonic arrangements, with a huge orchestra of 60 musicians. He invited me to perform 3 of his compositions, one of them being a song he had composed for his father entitled Oh Papaku (Oh My Father). I was both excited and nervous as the months reduced to weeks and days approaching the day of the concert. I attended all rehearsals equipped with vigour and enthusiasm. 

I remember fondly how I used to follow my father to his orchestra rehearsals and watched him conduct the orchestra, backing up our nation's superstars such as Anita Sarawak, Saloma and Sharifah Aini. I dreamed and fervently wished that one day, I will be able to get a chance to sing with an orchestra under my father's baton. I waited for 45 years. It was worth the wait. And the day of the concert arrived.

As I sang the first line of the song Berdebar Rasa Hati (Nervous Beating of the Heart), I heard my voice quiver. I was nervous. Among the audience were my mother and brothers, relatives and very close friends. They were emotional and nervous too, because they know my story. They know how much this night mean to me. 

After the first song ended, my father proudly introduced me to the audience. He then went on to speak about the song he had composed for his late father, Mohd Salleh Bin Mohammad. It was a very emotionally touching moment and I feared my emotions might get in my way of rendering the song. I knew that if I were to sing that song with my father in mind, I will break into tears. I decided that I will sing the song on behalf of my father, for his father. I focused on my late grandfather's face. His smile. His quiet demeanour. I focused on Atok Salleh.

The audience responded to Konsert Maestro Dato' Johari Salleh with a standing ovation and two encores! I felt so much pride in my heart for my father, I could feel as though my chest was going to explode! It was a truly spectacular night and emotionally charged. 

I am ready to move forward, leaving painful past behind. I am ready to start a new book. As I turn 50 a month from now, I will begin a life that is going to look very different from my past. I will be embarking on several endeavours that I have never taken on before. I am truly excited and nervous at the same time. But I fear nothing except Allah.

Thank you to Noorazah Aziz, my Mak, who brought up my brothers and I with so much love, grace and elegance. 

Thank you to Johari Salleh, my Ayah, who always wished for nothing but the best for us all. 

Most of all, thank you to Wan, my grandfather, who took my brothers and I under his wings and groomed us to be such refined and educated people that we are today. Without him, we would just be mediocre underachievers.

Yesterday, I looked like this.

Today, I am back to the simple but intricate me:

Now, I am ready to make the rest of my life to be the best of my life. May Allah bless me with the strength, endurance, talents and intelligence to make Him proud of humble me. Ameen. 

A True King

End of 1989 was the peak of my singing career. I was lucky if I had 4 days of rest. I had just finished competing in Kingsway's Pesta Pujaan and I was on the roll. I had engaged a very good friend to help manage my gigs and preparations for shows. I also had a team which consisted of a wardrobe designer, choreographer, back up dancers and musicians. 

I was known for my unique repertoire of singing jazz standards with contemporary musical arrangements. During my early years in singing, I was always the singer who was asked to perform during dinner. I found that quite demotivating, as I would hardly get anyone's attention when they are all busy satisfying their hunger for food. I lamented this to my mom. She said, "Take it as a challenge! Sing so well that they will put down their cutleries and turn to watch you sing!" And so I did. I chose my songs carefully, purposefully avoided cliche numbers, and I put it to the test. Mom was right! The satisfaction of seeing people stop eating and turning around to watch me sing gave me such a rush!

When Sultan Azlan Shah became the Yang di-Pertuan Agong, he requested for me to sing for one of his official functions at the National Palace. I was so pleased that I was accompanied by a wonderful orchestra. It was an open air dinner function and it was such a glittering night. I remember that night so vividly. When dinner was served, I was cued to start singing. I sang Fred Astaire's "They Can't Take That Away From Me" and when I turned to look at His Majesty who was seated right in front of the stage, I saw him put down his cutleries and gave me his full attention! And after several more jazz standard songs, I ended my singing and His Majesty gave me a very long applause. And the rest of the audience did not stop applauding until the King stopped! Bliss...

I'm sure you know by now, given the news of his passing, where I am leading this entry to. It's this: I don't care for other people's opinions on him. I don't care if there's any truth to what's being said of him. All I know is that His Majesty Sultan Azlan Shah was a true king who touched people's hearts. He was a wise king. He was a caring king. I have sung for many royalties and dignitaries during my singing years. But he remains the best audience I have ever had. He paid attention to my talents and appreciated it. He was generous in his comments and compliments. He was a loyal fan of mine. And that is how I will always remember him. 

May Allah bless your soul with His Loving Mercy. May He forgive all your sins and include you among those He loves most of all. May your soul meet the soul of our beloved Shaykh and your prince. May Allah grant you Jannah in eternity. Inna lillahi wa inna illaihi raji'un. 

Putting the Pieces Back Together Again.

I've always been aware that I had splinters of different personalities in me. Three main characters with contrasting traits: Johana, Joe and Ana.

Johana is the first person everyone meets. She's very friendly, approachable and warm. But at the same time, she is fiercely private, keeps people at an arm's length, only showing the public what she allows them to see. She's the performer. The artist. The singer. The public figure. She does not tolerate fools and she doesn't take crap from anyone. She's opinionated and speaks her mind.

Joe, on the other hand, is a tomboy who loves to play football with the boys. She's a rebel and she is very defensive. She protects and defends the underdogs. She doesn't think twice about getting into a fist fight with anyone. She mostly dresses in jeans, t-shirt, and a baseball cap. When she's angry, she reaches for her baseball bat and doesn't hesitate to swing it at anyone who tries to hit her.

Ana is a very feminine personality. She loves being a wife and mother. She loves cooking, baking and sewing. She loves floral print dresses and is a very sensitive individual. She easily cries when watching soppy romance movies. She's kind hearted, ultra sensitive and is afraid of anger.

I believe these personalities came into being as a way for me to cope with the traumas I had suffered throughout my childhood. Ana is too fragile and gets easily bullied by others. Joe came into being to protect Ana from abuse. Joe fights back. Johana puts herself so far apart from others to the point she becomes untouchable by others. 

A few months ago, I started working on putting myself back together again. I could have done it a lot sooner but the main obstacle was that Johana and Joe were angry and ashamed of Ana for being such a wimp. Both Johana and Joe resented Ana for not fighting back when she was abused. It was never Ana's character to fight back. She takes and takes and when she can't take it anymore, she breaks. And then Joe will step in to get the abuse to stop and Johana will put a distance between Ana and the abuse.

During one of the therapy sessions with my psychiatrist, he asked me what I thought of myself. I asked him, "Who are you asking?" That was when he discovered I was splintered. There and then, the process of putting myself back together again began. He convinced Ana that she's not a wimp. Ana is the strongest of all because she took the abuse while Johana and Joe ran away. Johana said she would never have allowed anyone to treat her like crap. Joe said she would have hit back. They both saw Ana as weak. They were wrong and they were made to realise their mistake. They were made to apologise to Ana. Since then, Johana, Joe and Ana has merged. I am whole again.

Of course I have simplified the lengthy process with just a summary and the outcome. But the process was indeed very difficult and trying. In the end, it was all worth all the tears I had shed. And now I need to say something to the 5 year old me: the child who suffered and survived so many heartbreaking abuse.

Dearest sweet Ana,

I'm so sorry you were dethroned when your younger brother was born. I'm sorry you lost your place as the centre of the universe in your parents' eyes. I'm sorry you were the punching bag for mom to let out her frustrations. I'm sorry for the betrayals you endured. I'm sorry for the whelp marks left on your tiny body and the whipping that caused your eyes to bleed. I'm sorry you were molested and it went unnoticed. I'm sorry you were blamed and beaten for things you did not do. 

You deserve to be happy. You do not need to feel guilty because you did nothing wrong. In fact, many people should apologise to you for what they had done onto you. You deserve peace of mind. You deserve to be loved unconditionally. You deserve to be heard. You deserve to be notice. 

Do know that you are beautiful. Do know that you are brave. Do know that you are a wise soul. Do know that you're kind hearted and generous. Do believe that you are loved and needed. Do believe that you are appreciated and cared for. Do believe that you deserve honesty. Do believe that you do not need to tolerate anymore lies. You have suffered unnecessarily. You have suffered enough. There's no need for you to carry on punishing yourself for what others have wrongly blamed you. 

It's okay for you to love yourself. That does not make you selfish or self-centred. You need to take good care of yourself, Ana. You must know and believe your self worth. Be wary of the deceit from others. Not everyone is as sincere and genuine as you are. You are a gifted soul. Use your gifts well and make God proud of you.

Forgive others for their transgressions. There's no benefit in holding a grudge against them. it will only burden your soul and taint your pure heart. Enough is enough. Stand up. Stand tall. Speak up and let yourself be heard. You matter to the world. You are a survivor. You are a champion. And that's the truth you deserve to know.

It's safe now. You can come out of your cave. There's no need for caves anymore. You've always had a place on earth. Claim what is yours and be proud of your virtues. You're a beautiful you. Thank you. 

What Do You See?

When you look at me, tell me what you see. Do you see the fine lines on my forehead getting deeper and more profound? Do you see the absence of nicely defined eyebrows? Do you see my droopy eyelids? Do you see my tired eyes hidden behind grey contact lenses? Do you see the little crows feet at the outer edges of my eyes? Do you see the eye bags that ages me ever so suddenly? Do you see the little sunspots that can no longer be passed off as freckles? Do you see the gaunt look on my face? Do you see how my lips are no longer full and luscious?

Or do you see the lines on my forehead as a result of years of worrying for others? Do you see how little attention I pay to applying make up on my face? Do you see my laugh lines? Do you see what night time crying does to these windows to my soul?

I've never been a woman who thinks of herself as beautiful. Thirty years ago, one man made me feel beautiful without even saying anything. It was never his words. It was always how he paid attention to every little thing I said. It was in the way he remembers every detail... Except for the part that he lit up my cigarette with a lighter and forgot that I smoke.

I wonder if anyone really truly sees me as who and what I genuinely am. I wonder if they see me through filters of their ideals, or a memory of something that never really happened. I guess I'm too often stuck in my own head that I find it surreal when really nice things happen to me in reality.

What do I see when I look in the mirror? I see lost youth. I see ageing. I see fatigue. I see anxiety. I see sadness. I see battle weariness. I see scars of forgotten fights. I see fresh wounds of abandonment that still bleeds. But I also see the sacrifices I've made for my loved ones. I don't see any regrets for that.

I see passion for my profession. I see the determination to leave a mark in the hearts of mankind before I leave this world. I see promises made and promises broken. I see hope. I see love. I see forgiveness. I see Him. Do you?

My Life Path Number 6

My dear friend in Houston, Bart McSherry, told me about a website on numerology. I checked it out and it turns out that my Life Path is number 6. The description of my personality is spookily accurate. Read it for yourself:

Life Path Number 6

You possess great compassion and seek to be of service to others. 

You have concern for the weak and the downtrodden. You are a healer and a helper to others. You are capable of giving comfort to those in need and will frequently offer a shoulder for others to cry on. Your task in life is to develop the tools necessary to be truly helpful to others, rather than to simply be a sympathetic ear. 

You must find the balance between help and interference. In the same way, you must learn the delicate art of the counselor who knows when to leave the struggle to others and when to avoid taking away the necessary experiences and lessons of life. You are naturally balanced. Therefore, you are well equipped to support and ground others in times of trial.

You Strive For Balance

It is in your nature to take on responsibility - you often fill the void left by others - and do not turn away from personal sacrifice. At times, you may feel overburdened by the travails of others. However, the love others bestow upon you is your well deserved reward. You try to maintain harmony within the family or group, balancing and fusing divergent forces. 

You seek marriage and are often a wonderful parent, offering warmth, protection, and understanding to children. You are generous, kind, and attractive. You are often admired even adored which baffles you. You are humble and yet you carry a deep pride.

Avoid Sweet Foods

You move well and gracefully, but will have to work to stay in shape. Seek out physical exercise and limit the sweets and dairy you crave to keep yourself from becoming plump and round. 

Choose Your Relationships Carefully

When young, you must be careful not to chose partners for the wrong reasons. Do not let sentimentality influence your decision, especially those involving the choice of a spouse. You need to be needed, but must learn to discriminate between those you can help and others who are made weaker by your care. After all, it is in your nature to be attracted to the weaker brothers and sisters among us.

Appreciate Your Talents

The temptation and the danger for you is to think of yourself as the savior of the world, carrying the burdens of others on your shoulders. You are blessed with musical talent, as well as in the visual and performing arts. However, your creativity may well be suppressed due to your willingness to sacrifice, or your inability to fully appreciate your talents. This is not to say that you cannot excel in these areas; on the contrary, you have the talent, and with effort you can make a success in a number of artistic fields.

You also have enormous talent in business. You are blessed with a great deal of charm and charisma, which you use effectively to attract the people and support you need.

Bart made me promise to include his Life Path in this entry. His number is 1. I think he's a Trekkie. Hehehe..

Life Path Number 1

You are a born leader.

As a life path 1 you insist on your right to make up your own mind; you demand freedom of thought and action. You have drive and determination. You don't let anything or anyone stand in your way once you are committed to your goal. 

Life path 1's assume the responsibility to be the protector and provider for those you love. You demand respect and attention and become irritated and even domineering when important things do not go your way. 

Life Path 1, You Like The Spotlight

You need to feel in command of important undertakings, and resist supportive roles. You seek the forefront and the limelight. You are exceptionally creative and original and possess a touch of the unusual. Your approach to problems is unique and you have the courage to wander from the beaten path. You can be impatient with your shortcomings and those of others.

Life path 1's are very concerned with their status and foster the appearance of success and self-satisfaction. The need to appear well off propels you to strive for growth, success and the finer things of life. You should watch out for selfishness, conceit and the over-concern with appearance. 

Learn To Stay Calm

You must guard against overzealous behavior, anger and aggressiveness. If these qualities are not brought under control you could become excessively domineering, vindictive and even violent. 

You perform best when you are left to your own devices. Ideally you should own your own business and be your own boss. Hold fast to your life's dream and work with the determination you possess to realize it. You can become overly stressed by your driven nature. 

Be careful about the food you eat and maintain an exercise program you enjoy. Competition sports are often a healthy outlet for a person with your drive, particularly sports involving running and swimming. Don't let pride and overconfidence be your masters. Remember, your talents and abilities are a gift from a higher source, which should promote gratitude and humility, rather than pride and conceit.

More often than not a person with a 1 Life Path will achieve much in life as long as the drive, creativity, originality and pioneering spirit are fully employed!

If you're interested in checking out your own Life Path, click here.

Thank you, Bart. Now it all makes perfect sense. You're my bestest buddy. Hahahaha...!

Legacy of Divorce: Holding it Together with Duct Tape and Glue

Divorce is such a normal thing in this new age of technology and science. More than 30 years ago, there were stigmas attached to children of broken homes. Society expects them to be failures at life, losers, scum of the earth, trouble makers, and whatever else that's negative. Even some of my relatives expected me to get pregnant out of wedlock, become a drug addict, drop out of school, or all of the above. Their 'kind' exchanges with us were often laced with sweet sarcasm and disguised disgust. It hurt deeply to hear people whisper behind our backs, saying things like, "Poor kids. They are gonna grow up to be losers." Unfortunately, we disappointed them.

If it weren't for my mother's strict parenting and my grandfather's strong conviction on how important education is, maybe my relatives and the sceptics might have had something to rejoice and celebrate. Of course they weren't able to empathise. They came from intact families. Their parents stayed together (regardless of the reasons for it) until their dying day. How can they possibly understand what challenges we faced. At their best, they may have been able to imagine how it must have been like for us. But in the end, their ignorance surpasses their efforts to understand. So, we were given the only thing they can muster: sympathy.

My mother is a strong willed, independent and principled woman. Through her example, I learnt that there's very little women cannot do. She frequents DIY shops to purchase tools in order for her to fix whatever that needed fixing around the house. She worked day and night to put food on the table and the clothes on our backs. She scrimped and saved just so we can afford a budget holiday once a year. Her father may have been a very rich man, but she insisted on being financially independent. 

While mom was busy at work, I became the caretaker of my brothers. Being the eldest child comes with a huge sense of serious responsibility. We had to take care of each other, because others had turned their backs on us. We became second class citizens within our own family circle. We were the lepers.

My brothers and I may not be among the most successful people in our country. We have no assets to call our own. We have no riches to splurge on frivolous wants. We worked hard because we didn't have the support that should have been provided by those who are related to us. In fact, many were just waiting for us to mess up or fail, just so they can smirk and bitch about how mom has failed as a single mother.

Despite it all, despite the inevitable occasional disputes and disagreements thats normal to have in a family and among siblings, we stuck together. We do this because we had no one else. My grandfather took us under his wings and adopted responsibilities that weren't his. He loved us deeply and we felt every ounce of it.

Whenever I enter the home of an intact family, with both parents being actively involved in the wellbeing of their children, it leaves me feeling very poor. Not financially poor. Just the deep sense of deprivation: the absence of a father living with us: an intact family.

Yes, I am fragile in that way. I believe my brothers feel the same way too. But we don't talk about it. We just fight through the tears and heartache and move on. We move on together. Mom and dad are my parents. But my brothers are my family. That sums up all the reasons why I do the things I do to keep things together. 

And now, my brothers and I focus only on one thing: caring for mom. Whatever makes her happy. Whatever gives her peace of mind. Whatever that makes her smile and laugh. Whatever that we can do to care for her health. These are our top most priority. She never abandoned us. She never left us. She stayed on and fought hard to keep us together. We will do whatever it takes to keep it that way.