What Do You See?

When you look at me, tell me what you see. Do you see the fine lines on my forehead getting deeper and more profound? Do you see the absence of nicely defined eyebrows? Do you see my droopy eyelids? Do you see my tired eyes hidden behind grey contact lenses? Do you see the little crows feet at the outer edges of my eyes? Do you see the eye bags that ages me ever so suddenly? Do you see the little sunspots that can no longer be passed off as freckles? Do you see the gaunt look on my face? Do you see how my lips are no longer full and luscious?

Or do you see the lines on my forehead as a result of years of worrying for others? Do you see how little attention I pay to applying make up on my face? Do you see my laugh lines? Do you see what night time crying does to these windows to my soul?

I've never been a woman who thinks of herself as beautiful. Thirty years ago, one man made me feel beautiful without even saying anything. It was never his words. It was always how he paid attention to every little thing I said. It was in the way he remembers every detail... Except for the part that he lit up my cigarette with a lighter and forgot that I smoke.

I wonder if anyone really truly sees me as who and what I genuinely am. I wonder if they see me through filters of their ideals, or a memory of something that never really happened. I guess I'm too often stuck in my own head that I find it surreal when really nice things happen to me in reality.

What do I see when I look in the mirror? I see lost youth. I see ageing. I see fatigue. I see anxiety. I see sadness. I see battle weariness. I see scars of forgotten fights. I see fresh wounds of abandonment that still bleeds. But I also see the sacrifices I've made for my loved ones. I don't see any regrets for that.

I see passion for my profession. I see the determination to leave a mark in the hearts of mankind before I leave this world. I see promises made and promises broken. I see hope. I see love. I see forgiveness. I see Him. Do you?

My Life Path Number 6

My dear friend in Houston, Bart McSherry, told me about a website on numerology. I checked it out and it turns out that my Life Path is number 6. The description of my personality is spookily accurate. Read it for yourself:

Life Path Number 6

You possess great compassion and seek to be of service to others. 

You have concern for the weak and the downtrodden. You are a healer and a helper to others. You are capable of giving comfort to those in need and will frequently offer a shoulder for others to cry on. Your task in life is to develop the tools necessary to be truly helpful to others, rather than to simply be a sympathetic ear. 

You must find the balance between help and interference. In the same way, you must learn the delicate art of the counselor who knows when to leave the struggle to others and when to avoid taking away the necessary experiences and lessons of life. You are naturally balanced. Therefore, you are well equipped to support and ground others in times of trial.

You Strive For Balance

It is in your nature to take on responsibility - you often fill the void left by others - and do not turn away from personal sacrifice. At times, you may feel overburdened by the travails of others. However, the love others bestow upon you is your well deserved reward. You try to maintain harmony within the family or group, balancing and fusing divergent forces. 

You seek marriage and are often a wonderful parent, offering warmth, protection, and understanding to children. You are generous, kind, and attractive. You are often admired even adored which baffles you. You are humble and yet you carry a deep pride.

Avoid Sweet Foods

You move well and gracefully, but will have to work to stay in shape. Seek out physical exercise and limit the sweets and dairy you crave to keep yourself from becoming plump and round. 

Choose Your Relationships Carefully

When young, you must be careful not to chose partners for the wrong reasons. Do not let sentimentality influence your decision, especially those involving the choice of a spouse. You need to be needed, but must learn to discriminate between those you can help and others who are made weaker by your care. After all, it is in your nature to be attracted to the weaker brothers and sisters among us.

Appreciate Your Talents

The temptation and the danger for you is to think of yourself as the savior of the world, carrying the burdens of others on your shoulders. You are blessed with musical talent, as well as in the visual and performing arts. However, your creativity may well be suppressed due to your willingness to sacrifice, or your inability to fully appreciate your talents. This is not to say that you cannot excel in these areas; on the contrary, you have the talent, and with effort you can make a success in a number of artistic fields.

You also have enormous talent in business. You are blessed with a great deal of charm and charisma, which you use effectively to attract the people and support you need.

Bart made me promise to include his Life Path in this entry. His number is 1. I think he's a Trekkie. Hehehe..

Life Path Number 1

You are a born leader.

As a life path 1 you insist on your right to make up your own mind; you demand freedom of thought and action. You have drive and determination. You don't let anything or anyone stand in your way once you are committed to your goal. 

Life path 1's assume the responsibility to be the protector and provider for those you love. You demand respect and attention and become irritated and even domineering when important things do not go your way. 

Life Path 1, You Like The Spotlight

You need to feel in command of important undertakings, and resist supportive roles. You seek the forefront and the limelight. You are exceptionally creative and original and possess a touch of the unusual. Your approach to problems is unique and you have the courage to wander from the beaten path. You can be impatient with your shortcomings and those of others.

Life path 1's are very concerned with their status and foster the appearance of success and self-satisfaction. The need to appear well off propels you to strive for growth, success and the finer things of life. You should watch out for selfishness, conceit and the over-concern with appearance. 

Learn To Stay Calm

You must guard against overzealous behavior, anger and aggressiveness. If these qualities are not brought under control you could become excessively domineering, vindictive and even violent. 

You perform best when you are left to your own devices. Ideally you should own your own business and be your own boss. Hold fast to your life's dream and work with the determination you possess to realize it. You can become overly stressed by your driven nature. 

Be careful about the food you eat and maintain an exercise program you enjoy. Competition sports are often a healthy outlet for a person with your drive, particularly sports involving running and swimming. Don't let pride and overconfidence be your masters. Remember, your talents and abilities are a gift from a higher source, which should promote gratitude and humility, rather than pride and conceit.

More often than not a person with a 1 Life Path will achieve much in life as long as the drive, creativity, originality and pioneering spirit are fully employed!

If you're interested in checking out your own Life Path, click here.

Thank you, Bart. Now it all makes perfect sense. You're my bestest buddy. Hahahaha...!

Legacy of Divorce: Holding it Together with Duct Tape and Glue

Divorce is such a normal thing in this new age of technology and science. More than 30 years ago, there were stigmas attached to children of broken homes. Society expects them to be failures at life, losers, scum of the earth, trouble makers, and whatever else that's negative. Even some of my relatives expected me to get pregnant out of wedlock, become a drug addict, drop out of school, or all of the above. Their 'kind' exchanges with us were often laced with sweet sarcasm and disguised disgust. It hurt deeply to hear people whisper behind our backs, saying things like, "Poor kids. They are gonna grow up to be losers." Unfortunately, we disappointed them.

If it weren't for my mother's strict parenting and my grandfather's strong conviction on how important education is, maybe my relatives and the sceptics might have had something to rejoice and celebrate. Of course they weren't able to empathise. They came from intact families. Their parents stayed together (regardless of the reasons for it) until their dying day. How can they possibly understand what challenges we faced. At their best, they may have been able to imagine how it must have been like for us. But in the end, their ignorance surpasses their efforts to understand. So, we were given the only thing they can muster: sympathy.

My mother is a strong willed, independent and principled woman. Through her example, I learnt that there's very little women cannot do. She frequents DIY shops to purchase tools in order for her to fix whatever that needed fixing around the house. She worked day and night to put food on the table and the clothes on our backs. She scrimped and saved just so we can afford a budget holiday once a year. Her father may have been a very rich man, but she insisted on being financially independent. 

While mom was busy at work, I became the caretaker of my brothers. Being the eldest child comes with a huge sense of serious responsibility. We had to take care of each other, because others had turned their backs on us. We became second class citizens within our own family circle. We were the lepers.

My brothers and I may not be among the most successful people in our country. We have no assets to call our own. We have no riches to splurge on frivolous wants. We worked hard because we didn't have the support that should have been provided by those who are related to us. In fact, many were just waiting for us to mess up or fail, just so they can smirk and bitch about how mom has failed as a single mother.

Despite it all, despite the inevitable occasional disputes and disagreements thats normal to have in a family and among siblings, we stuck together. We do this because we had no one else. My grandfather took us under his wings and adopted responsibilities that weren't his. He loved us deeply and we felt every ounce of it.

Whenever I enter the home of an intact family, with both parents being actively involved in the wellbeing of their children, it leaves me feeling very poor. Not financially poor. Just the deep sense of deprivation: the absence of a father living with us: an intact family.

Yes, I am fragile in that way. I believe my brothers feel the same way too. But we don't talk about it. We just fight through the tears and heartache and move on. We move on together. Mom and dad are my parents. But my brothers are my family. That sums up all the reasons why I do the things I do to keep things together. 

And now, my brothers and I focus only on one thing: caring for mom. Whatever makes her happy. Whatever gives her peace of mind. Whatever that makes her smile and laugh. Whatever that we can do to care for her health. These are our top most priority. She never abandoned us. She never left us. She stayed on and fought hard to keep us together. We will do whatever it takes to keep it that way.

A Blessing in Disguise

Several years ago, my mom suffered from a slight stroke that rendered her speech slurred. It happened shortly after her father passed away. As a result, she became quiet, disoriented at times, unable to indulge in her favorite hobby, which was reading. The slight facial paralysis she had at the time has slowly faded and her smile and facial expressions are no longer lopsided. However, she still remained quieter than before and whenever she spoke, her words still came out slurry at times. 

When she took a very bad fall recently, the right side of her head hit the floor and bled badly. And because she has been on blood thinner due to aggressive diabetes, she bled profusely. The baby blue baju kurung she was wearing was soaked in blood. All those who loves her, feared the worst. She looked so frail and it broke my heart to see how my strong mother had been reduced to this thin and fragile little woman.

However, as she slowly recovers, her head injury stopped bleeding the next day and she was able to move around unaided, albeit a little wobbly.  As the days go by, her physical strength grew and her appetite improved. But the best part is this: her speech is no longer slurred! She's back to her talkative self, participating in active conversations with her loved ones and is now able to express her thoughts and opinions without any paused hesitation or broken train of thought! Somehow, the blow to the right side of her head may have released whatever pressure she had suffered in her temporal lobe area during her mild stroke several years ago.

As difficult as it is to see an accident as a blessing, apparently this is exactly what had happened to my mother. The way I see it, this is Allah's way of reminding us that He is indeed God, Most Loving and Most Powerful. And that He knows what's best for us, for His love for us infinitely surpasses the love of any or all mortals put together. 

Mom's head injury has now scabbed and healing. And the same goes for my own emotional wounds. Faith restored. I'm deeply grateful that He never gives up on me. And He never grows tired of being patient with me and my shortcomings. Alhamdulillah. 

Taking care of mom is the most important and significant mission of my life. And I feel honored to be her only daughter. I feel blessed and grateful to be her first born. I truly believe God has blessed me with the best mother I can ever have. She's my mother and she's a fighter. All that I am, she shaped me. Now, it's my turn to give my best to her. She will never forsake or abandon me. And neither will I. 

Minus Two, Plus Two.

What's the value in having the respect of strangers when your own flesh and blood are ashamed of you? You may have been a straight A student with brains oozing out of your ears while I was the joker, the dunce, the girl who always got called to the principal's office because she forgot to do her homework. What would you understand about what it's like to be a child of a broken home when you're so blessed with having a teacher as your mom to tutor you for free.

So now you are surrounded by socialites and you think it's okay to belittle me and talk down at me in front of our friends because you're on the cover of elite magazines. As "wild" as I may have been, I've NEVER dragged my family name through mud like you did. Just be grateful my mom brought me well enough to not mouth you off! Well, I must credit you for the best lesson I've learnt from your own words, "With you as a friend, who needs enemies." You got it, sistah! Adios! This dunce will never "talk about your work" anymore. And you can keep that "unfinished business of yours." You both could've save a lot of people plenty of heartaches and annoyance by just being honest with yourselves and each other. 

I'm done. 

A Prayer for Mak

Bismillah Al Rahman Al Rahiim.

Ya Allah, I beg You, God Most Loving and Most Merciful, please heal my mother. Please stop the bleeding on her head. Please bless her with stronger leg muscles so she won't fall in a public restroom again. Please heal her of all the illnesses she has. Please keep her safe and strong. I'm not ready to lose her yet. I don't think I ever will.

Ya Allah, please bless me with the strength to help care for her, to be strong for her. Please grant me the inner strength I need to manage my anxieties well enough to be there for my mother when she needs me most. I'm leaning on no one else but You. I implore you, oh Allah Most Magnificent, have mercy on us and not test us with more than what we can carry.

Please oh Allah... Forgive us for all our sins and be gentle on us. We are nothing without You.

Ameen.

Divine Messages for Me Today.

Muhajibah's

He is The Healer!

Nobody was meant to understand you and your pain. This specific test was written for you, only you and nobody else. People will say insensitive things. They will make comments trying to say they understand and at other times they will want you to just get over it. But really if you’re bleeding internally, people can’t even see how bad the pain is and you’ll only know because you feel it. So be it. This is how God wrote the test and wanted the pain to be so you can only seek help from the Healer of broken hearts.

Tasawuf Underground

SYARIAT DAN MAKNA HAKIKAT

Syekh Ibnu ‘Atha’illah mengatakan:
“Ilmu yang bermanfaat adalah ilmu yang membantu menuju ketaatan, mendatangkan rasa takut pada Allah dan menjaga rambu-rambu-Nya. Ilmu yang paling bermanfaat adalah ilmu tentang Allah. Orang yang banyak berbicara tentang tauhid, tetapi mengabaikan syariat berarti telah mencampakkan dirinya dalam samudera kekufuran.
Maka, orang yang benar-benar alim adalah yang didukung oleh hakikat dan terikat oleh syariat. Karena itu, seorang ahli hakikat tidak boleh hanya berada pada tingkat hakikat atau berhenti pada tataran syariat lahiriah semata. Tapi, ia harus berada pada posisi keduanya.
Berhenti pada syariat lahiriah saja adalah syirik, sedangkan hanya menetap pada hakikat tanpa terikat oleh syariat adalah sesat. Petunjuk dan hidayah terletak pada keduanya.”
--Syekh Ibnu ‘Atha’illah dalam Taj Al-‘Arus

Islamic Wisdom

"If you feel sad or emotionally hollow and confused as to why you’re just not feeling like yourself lately, then pray. Make dua that Allah detaches your heart from anything worldly and temporary and anything that will tarnish your good intentions or keep you from improving yourself. Ask Him to remove this dunya from your heart and ask Him to make you among those with whom He is pleased with and close to. Just ask. That’s all it takes."

Islamic Wisdom

"I’ve realized that the easiest way to check up on where your relationship with God lies is to notice the next time you’re really upset, emotionally volatile or just pure angry. Notice where, who and what you look for first to try and comfort yourself. That’s pretty much it. It’s scary sometimes when you realise."

Islamic Wisdom

"Ramadan is coming up soon inshaAllah and it’s often the case that we rarely prep ourselves for its arrival and expect to go into it, full of vigor and enthusiasm and with that alone, we expect that we’ll just get right into it. But just like any other event, you really have to get ready before hand. Because it runs far more smoothly if you do, and you can tell.

Fast on Mondays and Thursdays. It was a sunnah of the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) to fast on these days. You’ll be physically prepping your body whilst gaining some immense rewards too.

Start reading the Quran. Try to read at least one page a day, or one page after every salat (prayer). Start re-familiarizing yourself with the words of Allah.

Reduce the amount of time you spend online. Try limiting the amount of time you spend on facebook, twitter, tumblr . The more time you spend being idle, the less you’ll have to be productive. And this is important especially in a month where you want to reap as much rewards as possible by actively doing those things which will benefit you both in this life and the next. It starts small.

Go to the masjid. Try going to the masjid at least once a week. Somehow, someway. Bring your heart back there and let it soak in that kind of serene atmosphere to prep it for taraweh.

Watch your diet. Start staying away from fast foods and processed foods. As silly as it sounds, you’ll want to be top notch once Ramadan rolls around. Keeping your body in a healthy and mint condition will make fasting much easier. Drink more water, eat more fruits.

Start making a Dua-list. Make a list of your hopes and aspirations, things you want, people you’d like to pray for, anything and everything. Start making a list on paper and use it during Ramadan. Read it often to remind yourself what you want to pray for, because remember that the duas of someone fasting are not rejected.

Pick your top 3 Ramadan goals. Choose three things you want to accomplish during this Ramadan. Keep reminding yourself of these three things.

Purify your intentions. Start today. Simplest of all. Make an intention to really want to work hard towards getting closer to Allah, to improve, to reap the blessings of this blessed month for His sake.

Pray for the Muslim reverts/converts. Keep making dua for your new brothers and sisters. Ramadan is often a very difficult and testing time for new Muslims, especially those who have yet to tell their families of their conversion. May He make it easy for them."

Say “Oh Allah, let us reach Ramadan”