A Woman of Missions

Recently, I had the pleasure of revisiting the film "Gandhi." I simply found him to be such a remarkable man of principles and excellent values. Being a simple person with such idealistic vision of how he wanted to contribute towards life and humanity. His legacy lives on. Considering his view on western commerce, I'm sure he would be appalled to see his face on all Indian currency notes.

But after watching the film as well as documentaries made of Mahatma, I realised something he had in common with the rest of the remarkable people who had left equal, if not similar, legacies. They all were on missions. They lived their lives dedicated to some bigger purpose or rather. They were ordinary people with extraordinary visions, ideas, passion, drive, and ambitions. And they also had the drive to achieve such great heights by completing their missions.

When I reflect upon my own life, I realise that I've always been on a mission of sort. Being born an Aquarian makes me prioritise humanity. Being helpful and useful to others are key driving forces in the direction I steered my life. And being born in the Dragon year equips me with the determination and leadership to design my life as how I see fit. Although I am always well aware I cannot change the world to fit me, I knew that I can make it better by simply being me. I started by being honest with my inner self.

My friends in school remember me as the joker, the student who never stops singing whenever the teacher was away, the person they could come to for comfort and for a wise word of advice. I have to admit that even back in those years, I had no vision of my own future. I was clueless as to what my ambitions were gonna be. All I knew was that I wanna do the best of what I can do.

I purposely chose not to work for others because it was a priority for me to be there for my children while they were growing up. It was a non-negotiable thing that I must be there for them during their formative years. It was only after they have grown up to be independent individuals that I decided it was time for me to live my life doing what I love best: helping others.

It started with counselling runaway youths. They were rejected by their disappointed families. They mixed with the wrong group of friends. They were influenced to make all the bad choices you can imagine. And then it went on to healing others. I was always fighting for someone or something. I was always on a mission to rescue or save someone. And along the way, I got beaten, down trodden, attacked, framed, betrayed. I took many 'bullets' for others and thought nothing of it. It was just the right thing to do and I didn't think twice to make such decisions. It was instinctive. I knew for sure that's my purpose.

It was never difficult for me to see the best in others, especially those I was helping. They could only see their mistakes and bad choices. I only focused on their best potentials. Positive assumptions came easily to me. I never struggled with that.

Ironically, the pinnacle of my helping mission was when my country was experiencing it's worst tragedy: the missing flight of MH370. I thrived! I flourished! I was very driven. I felt I was born for that mission. I belonged. But after months had passed with no clue as to what had happened to the aircraft and it's passengers, all volunteer professionals, including me, were put on standby. That's when I began to spiral down depression again. It is very hard to be a warrior, all suited up, armed with the best weaponry, just waiting for deployment that has yet to come. This experience taught me something about myself: I am a warrior. I am a woman on a mission. I am a person who has a constant need to be useful.

For 7 years, I was on a mission to save someone. I gave that mission my all, to the point I had nothing left for myself. I had endured immeasurable pains, uncountable number of attacks, slander, betrayal, lies and whatever else that I never knew existed. But unfortunately, I am unable to complete that mission. I was cut off. I covered their backs but my own was left vulnerable and unprotected. That left me feeling useless, redundant, unneeded and unappreciated. It left me feeling like a huge failure. Like a sophisticated weapon that had failed to function and now thrown into the garbage and left to rot.

I am well aware of the advice often given by my supervisor when it comes to working in a helping profession: we cannot save everyone. We cannot help everyone. We can't do our work without permission from the sufferer. Its a bitter pill to swallow, but that's the reality of my purpose. God reminding me only He can do it all.

I need to learn to be less naive. I'm inclined to thinking that we treat people as how we want to be treated in return. That adage turns out to be more idealistic rather than realistic. I don't care for scars of attacks, abuse or whatever else that may have hurt me. But the wounds of betrayal and lies remain deep cuts in my psyche. And even when I can bring myself to forgive my betrayers, my wounds continue to bleed.

So, all I need now is a colossal mission. The kind that may inflict the worst possible pains. I hope the wounds will be far greater than the ones which are still bleeding now. I hope those huge wounds will render my current bleedings simply forgettable and insignificant. That's the only way I know I can stop bleeding and heal.

Tribute to beloved Mawlana Shaykh Nazim by Wahti Mahidin

Mawlana Shaykh Nazim: Who He Is To Me

I have often heard of Mawlana Shaykh Nazim. I am a big fan of his writings; and also his wife's, Hajjah Amina Adil. In the past, I had purchased several of their books and felt their words benefiting my spirit and deepening my love for Allah Ta'ala and our beloved Prophet Muhamad (peace be upon him). I was also aware that my father's side of the family were students of Mawlana Shaykh and followers of the Naqshahbandi order. And although I read his books and enjoyed The Lore of Light written by Hajjah Amina Adil, I refrained from following the sufi order.

In January 2012, approximately 2 weeks after my beloved grandfather passed away, I had a very vivid dream. It was Mawlana Shaykh Nazim. He just looked at me, not saying a word. The way he looked at me sent a very clear and profound message: "I see you." For almost 5 years prior to that dream, I had felt as though I had 'fallen from the Grace of God.' I was in a state of perpetual fall, just waiting for the impact of hitting the ground. That never came. When I woke up from that dream of Mawlana Shaykh just looking at me, I felt I had stopped falling. He had caught me. I felt saved and safe.

Several weeks after the first dream, came a second one. I found myself being in a big room, with wooden panels on the walls, red carpeting on the floor. And there were many young looking men, dressed in green robes and wearing turbans. I couldn't see Mawlana Shaykh but I felt his presence in the room. When I woke up from that dream, I got curious and decided to google about him. And among my findings was a video of him with his followers in Lefke. What I discovered was that the room in the video is the exact room that was in my dream.

I consulted several people who have been followers of the order about my dream. And it was very clear: Mawlana Shaykh had chosen to include me in his order. And from then on, Mawlana Shaykh was my spiritual teacher. The rest is history.

But today, it saddens me that Mawlana Shaykh Nazim has passed on in Lefke, at the age of 92. All those who love him feel the void he has left in our hearts. He's simply irreplaceable. He died at 6:40pm (Malaysian time) on Wednesday 7th of May, 2014.

It pains me that despite the many videos of him I have watched, how many times he came to my aid when I needed his help and how much his wise words help shape my soul, and knowing that he has gone home, I still cry. I cry because I still need him because I'm still so messed up. I cry because I did not get to meet him in person. I cry because despite having met Shaykh Hisham and Shaykh Adnan, it was with Mawlana Shaykh Nazim that I had a spiritual connection with. He came to me. He stopped me from falling. He saved my soul.

And now he has gone home, leaving behind all those who love him in this cruel world. Indeed this world is a prison for those who truly love Allah Ta'ala. I will continue to pray for my Mawlana Shaykh: for the connection of the spirit is never severed by distance or death. 

Al Fatihah.

Here are his last words:

Bismillahi 'r-rahmani 'r-raheem 

Everything which has a beginning has an ending. You are asking me to stay. But if I was here for 20 years instead of for 20 days and it would end today, it would be the same. In this life this is how it has to be. No-one is together forever, even children and families, neighbours, friends, relatives, murids and sheikhs, students and teachers, all go different ways one day. We can continue in our hearts. We are always together in our souls, even if it is not physical. It tells us that we are servants of Allah the Almighty. All of us are creatures. Even if our clothes change, our original position never will. We are not giving a lecture, I am not a professor but a simple person, like all prophets were. They were sitting on the ground with poor people, slaves, women, children... We have been created from earth and we must try to be closer to earth. This will give you a good character and make you more humble. If you sit on strange chairs, you think you are important. Being close to earth gives benefit to your body. Scientists tell us that there are so many bacteria there. The closer you come to earth the friendlier they will be with you. They will run after those who escape from them. Just like with dogs: if you are friendly with them, they will be too... People nowadays are living in skyscrapers far away from earth. They are in concrete buildings surrounded by plastic and metal. They are escaping from nature and all kinds of illnesses come to them. They want to know where cancer comes from. It is because people are running away from nature. Befriend the earth! You have been created from earth and you will return to earth. If not today, then tomorrow, after one week, one month, one year, or even after 100 years. You cannot escape, you will return to earth. Don't run away from earth, it is your mother. If you come closer to earth it will change your nature for the better. It will give your face more lights and take away the darkness. Disturbing bacteria will leave you and you will be more in peace and in comfort. T'his is why all prophets used to sit on earth. But nowadays people want to be elegant. Physically you take benefit by sitting close to earth, spiritually even more so. Your spirituality will increase, because you will accept to be humble. No-one can develop spiritually without becoming humble. The most humble person is the highest one spiritually. The characteristic which prevents spirituality is pride. Satan was on the highest position when he was humble, but when he became proud he fell to the lowest. The best quality for a servant is to be humble. Whoever wants to reach the high stations of Heavens must accept that they are nothing. If you want safety, you must throw your weight away. In the old days when ships were travelling through difficult straits, people would throw their luggage overboard. If you want to reach Heavenly Stations you must throw your burdens overboard. The heaviest part of you is your ego, asking to be something, never sacrificing itself Sacrifice it! When you have done that, you will reach Heavens and be like lights without any physical body stopping you. It can carry you from earth to Heavens.
- Sheikh Nazim al Haqqani

Acceptance of Pain

In life, when we experience any form of pain, we cry. Crying is acceptance of that pain we feel. After the acceptance, comes the healing. Then only can we stop crying, get up and move on. 

There's no weakness in crying. Accepting pain is strength. But be careful who and what you reach out for while in the throes of painful crying. It will either help you or break you. 

Prayer for the Broken

Ya Allah SWT, you are As-Salam, the source of peace. From You is all peace and tranquility.

Ya Salam, there are those across this Ummah that are living in broken homes, that are in broken relationships.

Mothers that are broken with their children, spouses whose relationships is broken, friends whose relationships are broken.

Slaves of Yours whose relationships with You are broken.

Ya Allah SWT, You are the Healer of wounds, You are the Remover of pain, You are the Giver of peace.

Heal the hearts of those whose homes & hearts are broken. Soften the hearts that have become hard with sin.

Give patience and courage to those that are mocked and suffer as they struggle to remain on Your path.

Guide the families that are far away from guidance. Heal the hearts that are hurting and take away the pain.

O Lord of Mankind, make every hardship a means of returning back to You.

Give us peace in our hearts so that we can face every storm with an Alhamdulillah.

Allahuma Ameen.

She's Gone

Facebook notifications deleted without reading,

emails piling up in inbox folder,

text messages unanswered,

whatsapp chats muted,

missed calls,

phone on silent mode.

There goes the phone again,

blinking incoming call,

one of many,

I don't respond to anything at all,

the person they are looking for is gone.

My War and Piece of Mind

Yes, I'll be the first to admit that I am like an open book for most people. But I choose which page you see. And I'm not ashamed of my mental health issues. Neither am I ever ashamed of writing about my struggles with whatever obstacles God puts in front of me. My intention is never about being 'inspirational' or anything of that sort. I'm just the kind of person who sees what needs to be done, and if I can do it, I embrace the challenge wholeheartedly and hold nothing back. I'm the kind of person who's born a warrior of sort. The type that's always on a mission to either help a human or save humanity. And now that I no longer have any mission of any sort, I turn to another way of being useful: baking cakes and making chocolates.

All those in my inner circle as well as those who have been cordial and caring enough to communicate with me regularly know that I bake and make chocolates to manage my anxiety and major depression. The level of anxiety I experience can be measured by the difficulty level of the kitchen projects I take on. 

Several days ago, there was something really wrong with my precious MacBook Pro that required me backing up the whole of my hard drive and that took around 3 hours. And after that, I had to hard reset my device and reinstall Maverick and all data that I had backed up. That took almost 6 hours. And the way I coped with that high anxiety was by making eclairs which, to a novice like me, is Mount Everest.

Those who don't know me will see my food posts on Facebook as showing off. In all honesty, I post them to journal my journey battling my disorders. I may be a counseling psychologist but I am only human and not immune to any disease or disorder. I know, by comparison, my struggles are nothing next to those with bigger and more tragic battles. I don't know what lies ahead of me. All I know is that I need to prepare myself for whatever that comes.

We can't win a battle without knowledge, preparation and strategy. We can't solve a problem if we deny it's existence and have the willingness to do something about it. Only we can fight for ourselves. And only God will allow us the strength to carry through and grant us victory. And at the end of the day, we go home to Him. He gave us freedom of choice and free will. Let's use them wisely.

All I ever hope for is to be remembered as someone who tried to make a difference in life. I want to leave a legacy of sort: the kind that motivates people to do something about whatever that's stopping them from doing what makes them happy and feel significant. To feel purposeful. I want to be remembered as someone who fought inner battles and evil like a warrior of light. I want to be remembered as a kind hearted woman.

It's not that difficult to overcome these seemingly ghastly problems...what's hard is to decide to do it." - Robert Downey Jr.