Measure of a Man

Martin Luther King once said, "The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." On the other hand, Sidney Poitier explains that his father always said that the true measure of a man was how well he provided for his children. When I ponder on the quotes of these two great men, I am reminded of how privileged I am to have someone who measures up to both these standards.. my grandfather, Tan Sri Abdul Aziz Bin Mohd Zain.

When I was a child, he was like Santa Claus to me. Every time my birthday comes near, he would prop me on his lap and gently ask me what my heart desired. From garden swings, tricycles and toys to my first walkman, chopper bicycles and holidays abroad. Although he was the only family member that I know who was affluent, I never felt a need or a want for anything. He made sure that I had a little taste or experience of luxury and opulence. After my parents' divorce, he took it upon himself to be there for my brothers and I. We were never his responsibility. And there are some quarters who would add that we are not his heir. Yet, his loving concern and care for us is so astounding. I wonder sometimes what goes on his mind, what he is thinking of when he looks at me.

He believed in my intelligence way before it showed on my academic achievement records. He thought nothing of coughing up the bucks to sponsor my studies in private colleges when I failed to meet the requirements of the more established universities. Even after I flunked my first A Levels, he didn't give up hope. He pulled all the contacts and cables that he had and sent me to Swansea for a second try at A Levels. He even sent me on a 'gap year' holiday in Europe because he believes that the best university to learn from is the university of Life!

He believed I was going to fulfill his dreams for me to become a lawyer, following his footsteps. He was devastated when I dropped out of my law studies. Yet, he swelled with pride when I financed my own education in Counseling Psychology at a local university. It took a while for him to understand that I can never be him. I can only be me. As disappointing I may have been for him, he continued to love and support me. And now, he proudly introduces me to his friends as his granddaughter who is a counseling psychologist. He truly motivates me to go as far as I can.

I've seen him rise from the ashes of failures. I've seen him work hard to see his own dreams come true. He lives passionately and he does this with dignity, integrity and self-respect. Where others, myself included, fail to see any reason for him to care and love for me; he does. He sees me as who I really am. I can never make him proud of me. Why? Because he already is. He was proud of me long before I found my self-worth.

He may be a stubborn man to some. I choose to see it as his determination. He is loving in his ways, sincere in his actions and inspiring in his achievements. These are all the reasons why I truly believe that my grandfather is right up there, with Dr. King and Mr. Poitier.

May Allah bless you always, Wan. I love you.

Grey Wisdom

"First do no harm, easier said than done. We can take all the oaths in the world, but the fact is, most of us do harm all the time. Sometimes even when we're trying to help, we do more harm than good. And then the guilt rears its ugly head. What you do with that guilt is up to you. We're left with a choice. Either let the guilt throw you back into the behavior that got you into trouble in the first place, or learn from the guilt and do your best to move on."

-by Dr Meredith Grey, from Grey's Anatomy

The more I watch this series and get dished with these kind of pearls of wisdom, the more I feel like the writers of this series are watching my every move and listening into my every thought from a very remote location... like Jim Carrey's character in Truman, lah.... Paranoia? Or just simply guilt?

To Be The Best

A few years ago, my meandering mind got hit by a bolt of thundering idea. I wanted to be the best in something. However, I was gobsmacked by the echoing question that ensued, "Be the best? In what?"

Lets see now.... I tried law, but dropped out of law school. Tried interior design, but the competition was too impossible for my humanitarian aquarian nature. I did become a professional singer but my perfectionism prevented me from being satisfied with my voice and performances. Now I am a counseling psychologist and I have yet a long way towards becoming a leading figure in this field.

At this point of muse, I found myself stuck in a quagmire. If I were to wriggle myself further into this puzzle, I know I will sink in deeper into a self inflicted despair. I know I score an average B- in being a wife to my husband and mother to my girls (This is my critical and judgmental self speaking here...). Where else, how else can I excel?

People say that a healthy competition is good. But then again, I never really believed in measuring myself by other people's yardsticks. So, how did I land myself in this predicament? Why do I need to be the best in something?

Honestly, that bolt of thundering idea came about just a few years before I turned 40. I guess I must have looked at my life and wondered where had it all gone to. What have I got to show for the years that I have lived? What achievements have I got to be proud of?

Which brings me to my latest light bulb moment. I can never be the best in something if I am opposed to measuring myself to others. Everyone is unique in their own way and its unfair to compare anyone with anybody. So, I have decided to be the best ME that I can be. After all, I do have the corner market on being me. Not even the paper dolls can impersonate me!

So, fake Johana Joharis... Move aside! Here is the real McCoy!! Ain't nothing but the real thang, baby. That's what I am. The best Me. As for the specs, well... Let my life say it all. Just watch. I'll show you. However, a word of warning... don't try being anyone else but yourself. because if you do, you'll fail. We can only be ourselves.

Note To Self: Make Peace

"The commitment to morality, or non-harming, is a source of tremendous strength, because it helps free the mind from the remorse of having done unwholesome actions. Freedom from remorse leads to happiness. Happiness leads to concentration. Concentration brings wisdom. And wisdom is the source of peace and freedom in our lives."

- by Joseph Goldstein, in A Heart Full of Peace.

People Are Not Loving And Loyal All The Time

Some people act dishonestly; some lie; some are hypocritical. part of growing up psychologically and spiritually is noticing all this but without censure or retaliation. We do not willingly allow others to be dishonest or hurtful toward us if we can prevent it. If they are, we ask for amends. If all we do fails, we let go. If those we respect as teachers or models turn out to be hypocrites in their personal lives, that does not diminish the legitimacy of their teaching. An adult knows that the teachings are the teacher. The person who teaches is only a mouthpiece, and a piece is hardly ever perfect. I appreciate the ferry ride even when the ferryman proves to be a rascal.

Sometimes people keep their promises and sometimes they do not. Sometimes people love us loyally and faithfully, even unconditionally. Sometimes they hate, reject, abandon or betray us. An adult has learned to take all this in stride. We feel the pain, but it does not devastate or destabilize us. We receive love with openness and appreciation. We receive loyalty with gratitude. We handle betrayal with the strength we gained from our psychological work. We let go of retaliation and act with compassion thanks to our spiritual practices. We do not want to be so strongly affected by what others do that we lose our own ability to love, which is all that matters to us now.

Our spiritual practice of loving-kindness toward all beings helps us join this tougher skin to a tender heart. This is how hurts help us find our own potential for unconditional love and unconditional compassion. People do things that injure us, but later we realize that was how they pushed us through a gate in ourselves that we never guesses was there. The hurt we felt was the sensation of being pushed.

We may distinguish two kinds of hurt: intentional and consequent. Intentional hurt happens when people leave us in a cruel and thoughtless way. This leads us to feel sorrow, and in spiritual consciousness, we feel this pain without plan to retaliate. Consequent hurt happens as the natural and inevitable result of events and reasonable choices. For example, our partner ends out relationship in a kind and respectful way. We both tried our best but the relationship was not meant to be. We feel hurt, but this is consequent hurt, not intentional hurt, and it leads to grief and moving on.

Sometimes we hurt others. If we do so intentionally, we experience guilt, the built-in signal that helps us know that it is time to make amends. If hurt happens as a result of a legitimate choice, such as leaving an unhealthy relationship, we do not blame ourselves. We find ways to leave with kindliness, not acrimony, and we remain available to share in our partner's grieving for however long that may be appropriate.

When others do not acknowledge us or they snub, reject or ignore us, it is perfectly natural to feel hurt, since we are made of penetrable stuff. We should allow ourselves to feel the hurt rather than run from it, If we feel the hurt more intensely than seems to fit the bill, we may want to examine ourselves and ask if our ego has reared its demanding head. If so, we can look at our FACE in the mirror and say:

Fear: I am afraid that I will not survive if everyone does not love me, and this is how I am a source of suffering to myself
Attachment: I am attached to a very specific version of what I am owed, and this is how I am a source of suffering to myself.
Control: I need to control others' reactions to me, and this is how I am a source of suffering to myself.
Entitlement: I believe I am entitled to love and loyalty from everyone and insist on it, and this is how I am a source of suffering to myself.

I am letting go of fear by showing more love and finding excitement in life's challenges.
I am letting go of attachment to my version of how others should act and I accept the given of life that not everyone will be lovin, truthful, honest, caring, or loyal to me all the time.
I am letting go of control and let others love or dislike me as they choose.
I am letting go of my insistence that I be loved and respected by everyone, and choose to focus instead on being loving and respectful toward everyone I meet. That is what matters to me now.
I am always aware that I also am not loving and loyal all the time and I am working on that.

- Excerpt from The Five Things We Cannot Change... and the Happiness We Find by Embracing Them by David Richo.

My 42nd Ramadhan

Ramadhan is here again. I welcome it with anticipation and hope. If history was to repeat itself, I'll be on a roller coaster ride again. And by the looks of it's first few days, I believe that the tickets for that ride has already been snapped up by other people. Alhamdulillah...

In an email sent to me by an old friend, the definition of Ramadhan was made clear to me. It literally means "panas terik" or very hot. This literal meaning brings many thoughts to mind. It can mean a tremendous test or ordeal, a torment, torture, burden.... or whatever else. But Ramadhan also has many benefits. Apart from the obvious detoxification process and the 'break' from Iblis's tempting whispers, Ramadhan comes with many of God's mercy. In one of it's nights, there is one night that is better than 1000 months, all obligatory prayers are multiplied by 70, a month where patience is rewarded with heaven, many opportunities to earn good merits, a month of God's mercy and forgiveness.

"During the month of Ramadan, believers busy themselves seeking Allah’s mercy, forgiveness, and protection from Hellfire. This is the month for renewing our commitment and re-establishing our relationship with our Creator. It is the spring season for goodness and virtues when righteousness blossoms throughout the Muslim communities. "If we combine all the blessings of the other eleven months, they would not add up to the blessings of Ramadan," said the great scholar and reformer Shaikh Ahmed Farooqi (Mujaddad Alif Thani). It offers every Muslim an opportunity to strengthen his Iman, purify his heart and soul, and to remove the evil effects of the sins committed by him." - by Khalid Baig

If last Ramadhan, for me personally, was a time of trials and temptations, this time around, I believe, its a time of forgiveness and cleansing of the soul through "kifarah." Many things that has happened lately made me believe this. Day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute, God is cleansing me of my past sins and transgressions.

Dari 'Aisyah r.a., isteri Nabi s.a.w. katanya: Rasullullah s.a.w. bersabda: "Setiap kali orang Islam mendapat malapetaka, Allah mengampuni dosanya karena malapetaka itu, bahkan yang disebabkan oleh terkena duri." - Sahih Bukhari dan Muslim.

I am grateful to Allah that He has chosen to keep me off the roller coaster ride this time around.
I am grateful to Allah that everything is temporary and that we as human beings have been created by Him as very forgetful creatures.
I am grateful to Allah for all the prayers and pleas that have been heard with His patience, considered with His mercy and granted with His love.
I am grateful that He has finally allowed me to feel remorse and the pain of guilt so that I can repent wholeheartedly.
I am grateful that He has bestowed upon me the ability, reasons and remembrance to feel gratitude.

Having said that, my fervent wish is still to go back home... where my heart is... where I had found peace of mind, heart and soul. Ya Allah, please allow me to return to Mekkah. I long to be back in the safety of Your Masjidil Haraam.

Meet Joe Black

Meet Joe Black, the 10 year old BMW that my beloved husband bought for me about a few weeks after our return from umrah. I'm so proud to be an owner of this car. It has its own personality and eccentricities. About two weeks into driving my beemer, I was caught in a speed trap along the Sprint Highway, on my way to campus. I was issued a speeding ticket by a very polite and friendly police officer. It made my day for two reasons:

1. I have never been caught for speeding before in my 24 years of driving experience.

2. I was cited for driving 20 kph above the speed limit, in my very own BMW!!

Thank you, Yang for making another dream of mine come true. Not in 10 lifetimes would I ever dream of owning a BMW. But most of all, the part that I appreciate most about this BMW is that it is a loving gift from my beloved husband. Because although I may appear to be a hard shelled person by some quarters, I am actually a very sentimental person to my very core.

I dubbed this car Joe Black to reflect my personal and public image. It is an extension of my self espression. It is still in dark blue colour but we hope to respray it black pretty soon, insya Allah. Alhamdulillah. I seek Allah's assistance and protection to make sure I remain humble and grateful, always. Amiin.