Humility might be defined as taking one's true measure" and then not hiding from the truth of that realization. Humility, is a state that is achieved, not through practice, but through awareness.
Benjamin Franklin, at one point in his life, made it a practice to work on one virtue each week. He was making excellent progress, he felt, in his self-development until he worked on humility. What he found was that, as often as he practiced, and made himself more conscious of humility in his life, the prouder he became of his own progress.
What then is your true measure? In the context of this world, you are one among billions, here for but a single breath. You matter to very few people, and even the few who know you may think about you seldom.
Without humility, we can be as puffed up about ourselves as the gnat in the following story: A self-important gnat, having raised his family for some years in the ear of an elephant, finally decided to move. Shouting at the top of his lungs, he informed the elephant of what was, to him, a momentous decision. The elephant, having previously known nothing of the gnat's existence, made no reply, not wishing to hurt the feelings of his small and totally insignificant visitor.
Even if you see yourself as a part of all creation and lasting for eternity, you, as a single human, are still but a drop in a vast ocean. That ocean is held by gravity to a small sphere orbitting a tiny star among billions of others. Your time as a separate drop, however important you may seem to be in your own world, is so brief that the ocean itself may be unaware of your existence, your forming, or your dissolving.
"All my brothers are better than I!"
"How is that?"
"Every one of them considers me more worthy than himself, and whoever rates me higher than himself is in fact better
than I." - al Ghazzali
Excerpt from Essential Sufism by James Fadiman & Robert Frager
Wednesday, October 11, 2006
Sunday, October 8, 2006
The Traveller
The traveller on the path to truth must have intelligence, understanding and insight. These are his prerequisites.
"Allah created servants wise and understanding
Who leave the world, the abode of afflictions.
They take to the sea where waves are their only trial,
Where good deeds are ships on which to ride the waves."
The traveller is on the path because there is a place to which he wishes to go. His attention is fixed principally upon that goal, yet he cannot ignore the importance of the preparation for this voyage. When he prepares, he must take heed not to be fooled by the attraction of appearances, and he must not load himself with luggage nor take the stops and stations as his final goal.
The people of the mystic path say that deeds belong to the One who created them. Man is not fully responsible: in his hands deeds may appear other than what they are. Allah says:
"....one is secure from Allah's scheme except the people who have lost everything [and are in total want]." (Sura A'raf, 99)
This is fundamental on this path: to leave all luggage behind and depend on Allah, undistracted by the temptations of the stations on the path. In divine tradition Allah says:
O Muhammad, give the good news to the sinners that I am All-Forgiving. But tell the ones who are truly Mine and sincere in their wish for Me that I am Most Jealous (of anything that they may wish for besides Me).
The miracles that appear through those close to God and the spiritual stations in which they appear are true. Yet, even such people are not safe from Allah's schemes and His tests inciting them to sin - sometimes they are even granted success when they begin to sin, so they think that their states belong to them and that the miracles are theirs. It is only the prophets and their miracles that are free from such tests. It is said that the fear of losing ones faith at one's last breath is the only safeguard that will grant faith at one's last moment.
An excerpt from "The Secret of Secrets" - Revelation of Islamic Sufism & Mysticism by Abd al-Qadir al-Jilani
"Allah created servants wise and understanding
Who leave the world, the abode of afflictions.
They take to the sea where waves are their only trial,
Where good deeds are ships on which to ride the waves."
The traveller is on the path because there is a place to which he wishes to go. His attention is fixed principally upon that goal, yet he cannot ignore the importance of the preparation for this voyage. When he prepares, he must take heed not to be fooled by the attraction of appearances, and he must not load himself with luggage nor take the stops and stations as his final goal.
The people of the mystic path say that deeds belong to the One who created them. Man is not fully responsible: in his hands deeds may appear other than what they are. Allah says:
"....one is secure from Allah's scheme except the people who have lost everything [and are in total want]." (Sura A'raf, 99)
This is fundamental on this path: to leave all luggage behind and depend on Allah, undistracted by the temptations of the stations on the path. In divine tradition Allah says:
O Muhammad, give the good news to the sinners that I am All-Forgiving. But tell the ones who are truly Mine and sincere in their wish for Me that I am Most Jealous (of anything that they may wish for besides Me).
The miracles that appear through those close to God and the spiritual stations in which they appear are true. Yet, even such people are not safe from Allah's schemes and His tests inciting them to sin - sometimes they are even granted success when they begin to sin, so they think that their states belong to them and that the miracles are theirs. It is only the prophets and their miracles that are free from such tests. It is said that the fear of losing ones faith at one's last breath is the only safeguard that will grant faith at one's last moment.
An excerpt from "The Secret of Secrets" - Revelation of Islamic Sufism & Mysticism by Abd al-Qadir al-Jilani
Friday, October 6, 2006
Month of Temptations
Most people view Ramadhan as a time of fasting, abstaining from eating and drinking and any sexual activities during the day. The enlightened ones embrace this month as a time for bringing themselves closer to their Creator by virtue of controlling their lowly desires and busying themselves with extra religious and spiritual activities to cleanse and enrich their souls. Although the intrinsic value of Ramadhan and what it stands for varies from one individual to another, I found myself looking at me and my life in a very different light than before.
If you were to find yourself lost in the woods and have nothing to eat, you can't actually call it fasting. The difference is too colossal. Fasting is about choices. Everyday we are presented with an array of delicious food (a bigger one is made available to you if you go to a hotel for breaking your fast because you have to pay an absurd amount of money for a large buffet which is impossible for you to sample everything offered to you unless you continuously eat until they chase you out of the hotel!). Even when you go to the Ramadhan bazaar, you have such a wide variety of food to buy home so much so that you are spoilt for choice. But Ramadhan is not just about choices. It is also about temptations.
During other months, we often blame Iblis for tempting us to do things we will often regret. But the thing is, Iblis can only do just that! Attempt to make you do something you are not suppose to do. More often than not, we would succumb to the seduction and live to regret our choices. But every Ramadhan, God promises to chain Iblis and his honchos so that we can have some peace and quiet and proceed to battle on with our lowly desires. We are left with only our desires. This is so that we can understand its characteristics, traits and tricks and learn to withstand and fight our biggest enemy...which is our inner demons. In doing this, we will also get a glimpse of where our strengths lie. With this knowledge, we will be able to administer ourselves better when Iblis is released again.
I can't say that I am immune to the wiles of my nafs. I just try to manage it as best I can. And when my spiritual faith weakens, I turn to God for help and assistance. Truly, we can never win this battle alone. It is easy for anyone of us to view temptation as something that is outside of ourselves. But this is where our achilles heels are. For as long as we are disconnected from our true selves and deny the roles of our nafs in our defeat when dealing with temptations, we will continue to fail.
Since I consider myself as a person that operates on a cognitive level, I decided to employ whatever knowledge that I have to understand my weaknesses and use it to fight my nafs rather than give in. I now understand why certain temptations are just too irresistable to me and with this understanding, I began to see the temptations as it truly is. Trouble! And because I am not willing to face the consequences of bad choices and giving in to it, I don't find it so desireable after all.
I use to wish that I could go into isolation during Ramadhan to get the fullest benefits of it. But that would be unrealistic. After all, Ramadhan is just for a month. What would I do with myself for the rest of the months? It is easy to be steadfast in religious activities in a controlled environment. But the world is not such a place. Therefore, I shall take this month as an opportunity to take a holiday and I shall return to the 'real world' more rested and recharged. Insya Allah.
Truly, there is no might within me except from God. After all, unlike temptations, opportunities only knock once!
If you were to find yourself lost in the woods and have nothing to eat, you can't actually call it fasting. The difference is too colossal. Fasting is about choices. Everyday we are presented with an array of delicious food (a bigger one is made available to you if you go to a hotel for breaking your fast because you have to pay an absurd amount of money for a large buffet which is impossible for you to sample everything offered to you unless you continuously eat until they chase you out of the hotel!). Even when you go to the Ramadhan bazaar, you have such a wide variety of food to buy home so much so that you are spoilt for choice. But Ramadhan is not just about choices. It is also about temptations.
During other months, we often blame Iblis for tempting us to do things we will often regret. But the thing is, Iblis can only do just that! Attempt to make you do something you are not suppose to do. More often than not, we would succumb to the seduction and live to regret our choices. But every Ramadhan, God promises to chain Iblis and his honchos so that we can have some peace and quiet and proceed to battle on with our lowly desires. We are left with only our desires. This is so that we can understand its characteristics, traits and tricks and learn to withstand and fight our biggest enemy...which is our inner demons. In doing this, we will also get a glimpse of where our strengths lie. With this knowledge, we will be able to administer ourselves better when Iblis is released again.
I can't say that I am immune to the wiles of my nafs. I just try to manage it as best I can. And when my spiritual faith weakens, I turn to God for help and assistance. Truly, we can never win this battle alone. It is easy for anyone of us to view temptation as something that is outside of ourselves. But this is where our achilles heels are. For as long as we are disconnected from our true selves and deny the roles of our nafs in our defeat when dealing with temptations, we will continue to fail.
Since I consider myself as a person that operates on a cognitive level, I decided to employ whatever knowledge that I have to understand my weaknesses and use it to fight my nafs rather than give in. I now understand why certain temptations are just too irresistable to me and with this understanding, I began to see the temptations as it truly is. Trouble! And because I am not willing to face the consequences of bad choices and giving in to it, I don't find it so desireable after all.
I use to wish that I could go into isolation during Ramadhan to get the fullest benefits of it. But that would be unrealistic. After all, Ramadhan is just for a month. What would I do with myself for the rest of the months? It is easy to be steadfast in religious activities in a controlled environment. But the world is not such a place. Therefore, I shall take this month as an opportunity to take a holiday and I shall return to the 'real world' more rested and recharged. Insya Allah.
Truly, there is no might within me except from God. After all, unlike temptations, opportunities only knock once!
Friday, September 29, 2006
As Time Goes By....
After a few days of blogging my latest entry here, I found myself asking a few introspective questions such as "Whose bright idea was it for me to do my Masters Program in Psychology Counseling?" "Why in the world did I decide to become a counseling psychologist?" "What made me do this?" "What am I getting out of this?" " Am I in the right profession?" "Am I doing the right thing?" "Am I any good? And if so, what have I got to show for it?"
I admit, asking myself these questions were a tad too late in coming. After all, in order to gain positively from any introspection, you need to ponder on these questions at a much earlier age and DEFINITELY NOT at the age of 41! However, always the late bloomer that I am, I guess its no surprise to anyone that I only get to this stage of life now.
As I think back to the time when my humanitarian urges pushed me to passionate desire to help and rescue people (apart from the fact that being the first born made me naturally bossy, pushy and demanding), my memory took me back to my early years when I was first presented with the opportunity to give guidance to a young lady whose parents thought that she was a troubled teenager. She was deemed so because she got pregnant out of wedlock by a man who was married....to someone else!
Far from being a judgemental person, I readily helped her by giving her some space in my room (I was still living with my mom) and giving her small doses of advice and guidance daily and nightly, religiously like a prescribed medication. After successfully seeing her through her tumultuous pregnancy and eventual delivery of her baby, I prepared her for independence and let her go on her own way. I haven't heard from her eversince but I never forget to wonder if she is okay now.
Many more years with similar experience ensued continuously from then on and I have never looked back. Luckily enough for me, when I got married to my beautifully noble husband, he was very supportive of my crusade to the point of joining me and sharing my passion with zealous enthusiasm. I swear I don't think I would have been able to do half of the things I've done and helped all those people that needed shelter or help or love or just a little bit of unconditional acceptance without his undying support. He never asked why he should help. He only asked how could he be of help.
Over time, year in, year out, both my husband and I have seen and helped many souls, young and old. We took them into our home and eventually into our hearts. Although the inevitable drop outs are few and rare in between, we have witnessed many succeed in their own lives after leaving our sanctuary. Many have become near and dear to us, sharing our trials and tribulations without a single grumble or sigh of complain.
Most of them had thanked us for helping them through tough times and for making a difference in their lives. Others are quietly grateful and strive to make us proud of them in their own special and unique ways. But little do they know the impact of their presence in our lives. Little do they know how much they mean to us. Little do they know how deeply they had touched our hearts.
It would be a lie if I were to say that they were all stories of success. Some are still struggling to fight their own inner demons and battling the ultimate war with their own lowly desires. But then again, I have never been one to count or value successes superficially. What I value and respect in them is their determination to fight on and strive in improving themselves.
Since most of them were younger than me, they call me kak ana or kakak. When I hear them call me that, it embraces my heart with warmth and sisterly love. If any of them were to read this entry, I want them to know how much they mean to me. I hope that they will understand, in time, how precious their youth is.
It pains me to see some of them meandering through life as if they were tourists, sightseeing in a foreign country, buying insignificant souvenirs just to prove that they were there and coming home only to toss that souvenir away like trash. Life is not about collecting meaningless souvenirs. Life has meaning. A meaningless life is not living. It also pains me to see how some of them continue living their lives selfishly. They only think of themselves and don't seem to give a damn as to how their words and actions affect other people in their lives. They make promises they don't keep and give little value to their ability to speak and communicate. They make words worthless. When they speak, they lie.
However, these rare cases do not represent the angels that has entered my world. There are those that make my heart swell with pride when I see them triumphant in their struggles and actualized their true selves. They go to their destiny with my cheers and blessings.
So, if I was to answer the questions above, I would say this, "It was Allah that put the idea of furthering my studies in my head. I decided to become a counseling psychologist because of those people Allah had sent to me. He has designed me to help people. I do this because I feel sincere with myself, Allah and the people in need, because this is what I was destined to do. I get satisfaction in knowing I can make a difference in someone else's life. Yes, I am in the right profession. Yes, this is the right thing for me to do. Yes, I am good at what I do because Allah has given me all the virtues and characteristics needed to help people effectively and sincerely. And yes, I do have proof to show for it."
I have witnessed how Allah has touched many people's lives through me and my work. And this is what I will continue to do until my dying day. I pray to Allah that when I die, the ones I leave behind will learn from my life on how to live.
"Treat people as if they were what they ought to be, and you help them become what they are capable of becoming."
I admit, asking myself these questions were a tad too late in coming. After all, in order to gain positively from any introspection, you need to ponder on these questions at a much earlier age and DEFINITELY NOT at the age of 41! However, always the late bloomer that I am, I guess its no surprise to anyone that I only get to this stage of life now.
As I think back to the time when my humanitarian urges pushed me to passionate desire to help and rescue people (apart from the fact that being the first born made me naturally bossy, pushy and demanding), my memory took me back to my early years when I was first presented with the opportunity to give guidance to a young lady whose parents thought that she was a troubled teenager. She was deemed so because she got pregnant out of wedlock by a man who was married....to someone else!
Far from being a judgemental person, I readily helped her by giving her some space in my room (I was still living with my mom) and giving her small doses of advice and guidance daily and nightly, religiously like a prescribed medication. After successfully seeing her through her tumultuous pregnancy and eventual delivery of her baby, I prepared her for independence and let her go on her own way. I haven't heard from her eversince but I never forget to wonder if she is okay now.
Many more years with similar experience ensued continuously from then on and I have never looked back. Luckily enough for me, when I got married to my beautifully noble husband, he was very supportive of my crusade to the point of joining me and sharing my passion with zealous enthusiasm. I swear I don't think I would have been able to do half of the things I've done and helped all those people that needed shelter or help or love or just a little bit of unconditional acceptance without his undying support. He never asked why he should help. He only asked how could he be of help.
Over time, year in, year out, both my husband and I have seen and helped many souls, young and old. We took them into our home and eventually into our hearts. Although the inevitable drop outs are few and rare in between, we have witnessed many succeed in their own lives after leaving our sanctuary. Many have become near and dear to us, sharing our trials and tribulations without a single grumble or sigh of complain.
Most of them had thanked us for helping them through tough times and for making a difference in their lives. Others are quietly grateful and strive to make us proud of them in their own special and unique ways. But little do they know the impact of their presence in our lives. Little do they know how much they mean to us. Little do they know how deeply they had touched our hearts.
It would be a lie if I were to say that they were all stories of success. Some are still struggling to fight their own inner demons and battling the ultimate war with their own lowly desires. But then again, I have never been one to count or value successes superficially. What I value and respect in them is their determination to fight on and strive in improving themselves.
Since most of them were younger than me, they call me kak ana or kakak. When I hear them call me that, it embraces my heart with warmth and sisterly love. If any of them were to read this entry, I want them to know how much they mean to me. I hope that they will understand, in time, how precious their youth is.
It pains me to see some of them meandering through life as if they were tourists, sightseeing in a foreign country, buying insignificant souvenirs just to prove that they were there and coming home only to toss that souvenir away like trash. Life is not about collecting meaningless souvenirs. Life has meaning. A meaningless life is not living. It also pains me to see how some of them continue living their lives selfishly. They only think of themselves and don't seem to give a damn as to how their words and actions affect other people in their lives. They make promises they don't keep and give little value to their ability to speak and communicate. They make words worthless. When they speak, they lie.
However, these rare cases do not represent the angels that has entered my world. There are those that make my heart swell with pride when I see them triumphant in their struggles and actualized their true selves. They go to their destiny with my cheers and blessings.
So, if I was to answer the questions above, I would say this, "It was Allah that put the idea of furthering my studies in my head. I decided to become a counseling psychologist because of those people Allah had sent to me. He has designed me to help people. I do this because I feel sincere with myself, Allah and the people in need, because this is what I was destined to do. I get satisfaction in knowing I can make a difference in someone else's life. Yes, I am in the right profession. Yes, this is the right thing for me to do. Yes, I am good at what I do because Allah has given me all the virtues and characteristics needed to help people effectively and sincerely. And yes, I do have proof to show for it."
I have witnessed how Allah has touched many people's lives through me and my work. And this is what I will continue to do until my dying day. I pray to Allah that when I die, the ones I leave behind will learn from my life on how to live.
"Treat people as if they were what they ought to be, and you help them become what they are capable of becoming."
Sunday, September 24, 2006
What's My Name Again?
Its been a month since I last blogged here and many of those who are fond of dropping in to see my latest entries are beginning to complain. "Apa ni kakak? Dah malas ke?" , they've asked me, laughingly. I wish that was the case... of me being lazy. But the truth is I've been busy like a bee. At least bees produce honey. I have yet to see what will come out of my hectic life style, of late.
Truth is I've started my Masters Program in a local university. And even before I could start my classes, I was offered a job as a consulting counseling psychologist. Add my roles as wife and mother to two young ladies, and you'll be able to imagine how many balls I have to keep juggling in the air!
I was told that this was gonna be a very quiet year for me. As any loyal reader of this blog can remember, a few entries ago, I was bemoaning my bumpy road. But, God has never been one to let me down, and as always He loves to amaze me with His miracles and might. What seemed to be impossible to reach for me was suddenly in my hands, magically. I never had doubts in Him. As for my own judgements, I use to be one that never made a decision without securing all angles.....until now, that is.
No one told me how hard it is to be a student again at 41. No one told me that my brains are capable of going into reverse gear when fed with numbers and statistics! Someone forgot to advise me to re-think my decision to go back to school! At the very least, they could have locked me up in padded room until I came to my senses.
Now, after my last lecture that ends at 7pm on every friday night, my face is the perfect picture of confusion, anxiety, bewilderment, and fear! Sometimes, I forget simple things like my name!! That's how bad it gets when my brains go on reverse gear. I laugh so hard at myself until its no longer funny. Even in my dreams, I am busy with assignments! Talk about "Nightmare on Ara Street." Instead of Freddie Kruger and his screeching long blades as nails, I have Freud and Statistics!! I can't escape from this one. There's only one way to go, and that is straight ahead.
I have never been the kind to run away from challenges. I have every confidence that I will not regret my decision to further my studies. I know for sure that the knowledge I am gaining now will make me more skillful at what I do. I truly believe that I will come out of this a better and wiser counselor.
But meanwhile, I will have to focus my attention on finishing that professor's paper and swatting for my exams in coming November. I guess I won't be enjoying much of Raya this year, although I was looking forward to what's his name coming home from London with his kids. Which reminds me that I need to email something to someone before not sure when. I hope I will remember my name when I sign off.
Which brings me to.....umm....err.... Oh, never mind. I'll remember what I wanted to say tomorrow....I think....Sigh! Good Grief...
Truth is I've started my Masters Program in a local university. And even before I could start my classes, I was offered a job as a consulting counseling psychologist. Add my roles as wife and mother to two young ladies, and you'll be able to imagine how many balls I have to keep juggling in the air!
I was told that this was gonna be a very quiet year for me. As any loyal reader of this blog can remember, a few entries ago, I was bemoaning my bumpy road. But, God has never been one to let me down, and as always He loves to amaze me with His miracles and might. What seemed to be impossible to reach for me was suddenly in my hands, magically. I never had doubts in Him. As for my own judgements, I use to be one that never made a decision without securing all angles.....until now, that is.
No one told me how hard it is to be a student again at 41. No one told me that my brains are capable of going into reverse gear when fed with numbers and statistics! Someone forgot to advise me to re-think my decision to go back to school! At the very least, they could have locked me up in padded room until I came to my senses.
Now, after my last lecture that ends at 7pm on every friday night, my face is the perfect picture of confusion, anxiety, bewilderment, and fear! Sometimes, I forget simple things like my name!! That's how bad it gets when my brains go on reverse gear. I laugh so hard at myself until its no longer funny. Even in my dreams, I am busy with assignments! Talk about "Nightmare on Ara Street." Instead of Freddie Kruger and his screeching long blades as nails, I have Freud and Statistics!! I can't escape from this one. There's only one way to go, and that is straight ahead.
I have never been the kind to run away from challenges. I have every confidence that I will not regret my decision to further my studies. I know for sure that the knowledge I am gaining now will make me more skillful at what I do. I truly believe that I will come out of this a better and wiser counselor.
But meanwhile, I will have to focus my attention on finishing that professor's paper and swatting for my exams in coming November. I guess I won't be enjoying much of Raya this year, although I was looking forward to what's his name coming home from London with his kids. Which reminds me that I need to email something to someone before not sure when. I hope I will remember my name when I sign off.
Which brings me to.....umm....err.... Oh, never mind. I'll remember what I wanted to say tomorrow....I think....Sigh! Good Grief...
Friday, August 25, 2006
Independence Day
Lately, whenever you turn on the TV, you'll be bombarded with all kinds of reminders of the upcoming celebration of our wonderful country's independence day. I must admit that most that I have seen touched my heart so much that it wrings tears to my eyes. I believe that most people would be affected the same way too.
Whenever I look or see something created by God, I am always in awe and questions like "what was He thinking of?" are far from my mind. I never question God for He is All Knowing and Most Beautiful and Most Creative and Most Artistic....this list will go on for as long as anyone would give me the time of day to ramble on. However, when I witness things made by man, acts done by man, creations designed by man, I can't help myself but wonder and say out loud, "What the hell were they thinking?!"
I believe the reason why I'm touched by those ads on TV to remind us of our independence day touched me so because they remind me of how things use to be. Values, the simple way of life, genuine care for each other and the purity of friendship that was once the culture of our nation has somehow evaporated in the heat of all things western and new. Somehow, the price we paid for modernity and so called new age lifestyle has robbed us of our identity. Nowadays, we think nothing of crimes committed that we read in daily newspapers but there are those who feel the urge to travel far and wide to bring aid to those who have their countries attacked by ruthless people who drop bombs like a rain of candies on the innocent.
Where did this indifference come from? Why have we become so unfeeling? Someone on Ally McBeal said,"My problem is big because its mine." I wonder how the world would be like if everyone thinks this way. Oprah once said that the world is the way it is because we allow it to happen. If there's a child out there somewhere in the world who is going to bed hungry or homeless is because we allow it. Because we choose to NOT do anything about it. Sure, I sound idealistic and unrealistic. After all, how can one person save and rescue the world? But do you dare to wonder what would happen if everyone in the world makes sure at least one child goes to bed on a full stomach, in a home eventhough it is just a humble one? What kind of world would we be living in then, if this happens?
William Glasser says that everyone has five basic needs: to love and be loved, to feel worthwile, to have power, to have fun and finally to have freedom. I believe that those who have their basic needs met should at least reach out to anyone who cannot have any of their's met. Don't be complacent just because our country is independent and free from invaders. God forbid, the table can turn anytime and one day we may wake up oppressed by some "bossy" nation. So, show your gratitude by letting the weak lean on you. Say your thanks to God for being fortunate enough to have a choice of where or what you wanna have for dinner. Being independent don't mean a thing until you give something back. After all, isn't random acts of kindness something anyone can afford? Do it while you can. Because one day, it might be you on the receiving end.
Selamat Menyambut Hari Kemerdekaan!
Whenever I look or see something created by God, I am always in awe and questions like "what was He thinking of?" are far from my mind. I never question God for He is All Knowing and Most Beautiful and Most Creative and Most Artistic....this list will go on for as long as anyone would give me the time of day to ramble on. However, when I witness things made by man, acts done by man, creations designed by man, I can't help myself but wonder and say out loud, "What the hell were they thinking?!"
I believe the reason why I'm touched by those ads on TV to remind us of our independence day touched me so because they remind me of how things use to be. Values, the simple way of life, genuine care for each other and the purity of friendship that was once the culture of our nation has somehow evaporated in the heat of all things western and new. Somehow, the price we paid for modernity and so called new age lifestyle has robbed us of our identity. Nowadays, we think nothing of crimes committed that we read in daily newspapers but there are those who feel the urge to travel far and wide to bring aid to those who have their countries attacked by ruthless people who drop bombs like a rain of candies on the innocent.
Where did this indifference come from? Why have we become so unfeeling? Someone on Ally McBeal said,"My problem is big because its mine." I wonder how the world would be like if everyone thinks this way. Oprah once said that the world is the way it is because we allow it to happen. If there's a child out there somewhere in the world who is going to bed hungry or homeless is because we allow it. Because we choose to NOT do anything about it. Sure, I sound idealistic and unrealistic. After all, how can one person save and rescue the world? But do you dare to wonder what would happen if everyone in the world makes sure at least one child goes to bed on a full stomach, in a home eventhough it is just a humble one? What kind of world would we be living in then, if this happens?
William Glasser says that everyone has five basic needs: to love and be loved, to feel worthwile, to have power, to have fun and finally to have freedom. I believe that those who have their basic needs met should at least reach out to anyone who cannot have any of their's met. Don't be complacent just because our country is independent and free from invaders. God forbid, the table can turn anytime and one day we may wake up oppressed by some "bossy" nation. So, show your gratitude by letting the weak lean on you. Say your thanks to God for being fortunate enough to have a choice of where or what you wanna have for dinner. Being independent don't mean a thing until you give something back. After all, isn't random acts of kindness something anyone can afford? Do it while you can. Because one day, it might be you on the receiving end.
Selamat Menyambut Hari Kemerdekaan!
Wednesday, August 9, 2006
Realistic Ideals and Idealistic Realities
Through his theory on Reality Therapy, Dr. William Glasser explains that most negative and/or abnormal behaviours are merely symptoms of unhappiness. This unhappiness stems from many of the basic needs not being met in one's life. In our ideal world, we have significant people in our lives, places and material things and last but not least, our values and belief system. When our ideal world does not match our reality, we will employ all kinds of negative behaviours as a way to control our reality just so that it will match our ideal world. This is called External Control Psychology. Parents scold their children for misbehaving. Teachers will threaten and punish when student don't do their homework. Both parents and teachers can vouch that external control psychology only works for a while. Pretty soon, its effectiveness will wane.
To cite an example of a character taken from a movie, Jack Nicholson's character in "As Good As It Gets" displays symptoms that can be diagnosed as Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. He chooses to behave this way, sticking religiously to rituals of latching his door three times, switching his lights on and off three times, and other eccentric looking practices, just so that he wouldn't have the time to dwell on the fact that he has noone to love and noone to love him. He is lonely. What is tragic about this character is that it is based on a real life person! The hassles of performing his rituals daily is nothing compared to the pain of his loneliness.
In my ideal world, my parents are still married to each other, loving each other and our family in perfect harmony. But in reality, my parents divorced when I was just 13 years old. Although they are no longer married to one another, my parents do get along very well. Looks like they are better off as friends rather than as spouses. In my ideal world, my brothers and their families get along famously with myself and my family. But in reality, a few years ago, my brothers and I have had a few clashes. I chose to try depressing, angering and crying. Mind you, none of these behaviours worked! But when I gave up trying to match my reality to my ideals, I felt it easier to accept things as the way they were. And to my surprise, things did work out eventually for all of us. Because I chose to stop trying to control the choices and behaviours of those I love and focused more on controlling my own behaviour and wishing things to be the way i wanted them to be.
This is an example of how we choose our behaviours and the choices we make all in the name of being idealistic. Mind you, there is nothing wrong with being idealistic and having ideals. But it is healthier for us to not behave in ways to control others to behave the way we want them to behave. We get angry with friends, family and children because we hope that our angering will be produce better behaviour from them. That means to be a controlling freak! I admit, for many years, I was just that - a controlling freak. But, thanks to knowledge of psychology and Choice Theory, I have learned that everyone likes to be in control of something or someone, but noone likes to be controlled!
I have learned to accept that although I may have some significant people in my ideal world, it is ok for me not to be in their ideal world. I have come across many people who are often depressed, angry, frustrated and hostile just because their ideals and reality don't quite match. And when they fail to control those they wish to control, the above feelings get magnified a million times. Some of their unhappiness may manifest itself in the form of physical pain that has no physiology to it, i.e; they've gone to their doctors for cures but no medication would work. Aches and pains that has no physiological reasons to them can be termed as fibromyalgia or psychosomatic pains. When they choose to think more positively, they will feel and behave better, and those mysterious aches and pains will magically disappear!
There are those who are close to my heart and mean the world to me who are showing symptoms of unhappiness. They relentlessly try to control those around them and when all else fails, they begin behaving in ways that drive even the most loyal and loving away from them. Sadly, they don't realise what they are doing to themselves. My fervent wish is to be given the opportunity by Allah to help them see themselves and their lives from a different angle.
So, next time when you are feeling angry, upset, frustrated or flabbergasted, ask yourself, "What is it that I really want? Am I hungry or in pain? Whose behaviour is it that I am trying so hard to control? Whose behaviour can I really control? Is this behaviour going to help me get what I want? Is there another behaviour that I can choose that would yield the results that I want?"
Next time a massive urge to control someone other than yourself rises to your throat that makes you wanna just shout in anger, my prescription to you is this: just grab the TV's remote control and switch channels. That way, you won't be chasing all those you love out of your life. And then, only then, will you have all those you love around you and you will feel loved. Below, I have listed out the Seven Deadly Habits that can ruin any relationship and Seven Caring Habits that can enhance and repair any relationship. Give it a go! What have you got to lose?
Seven Deadly Habits:
Criticising
Blaming
Complaining
Nagging
Threatening
Punishing
Bribing or rewarding to control
Seven Caring Habits:
Supporting
Encouraging
Listening
Accepting
Trusting
Respecting
Negotiating differences
"If I choose all that I do, maybe I can choose to do something better."
To cite an example of a character taken from a movie, Jack Nicholson's character in "As Good As It Gets" displays symptoms that can be diagnosed as Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. He chooses to behave this way, sticking religiously to rituals of latching his door three times, switching his lights on and off three times, and other eccentric looking practices, just so that he wouldn't have the time to dwell on the fact that he has noone to love and noone to love him. He is lonely. What is tragic about this character is that it is based on a real life person! The hassles of performing his rituals daily is nothing compared to the pain of his loneliness.
In my ideal world, my parents are still married to each other, loving each other and our family in perfect harmony. But in reality, my parents divorced when I was just 13 years old. Although they are no longer married to one another, my parents do get along very well. Looks like they are better off as friends rather than as spouses. In my ideal world, my brothers and their families get along famously with myself and my family. But in reality, a few years ago, my brothers and I have had a few clashes. I chose to try depressing, angering and crying. Mind you, none of these behaviours worked! But when I gave up trying to match my reality to my ideals, I felt it easier to accept things as the way they were. And to my surprise, things did work out eventually for all of us. Because I chose to stop trying to control the choices and behaviours of those I love and focused more on controlling my own behaviour and wishing things to be the way i wanted them to be.
This is an example of how we choose our behaviours and the choices we make all in the name of being idealistic. Mind you, there is nothing wrong with being idealistic and having ideals. But it is healthier for us to not behave in ways to control others to behave the way we want them to behave. We get angry with friends, family and children because we hope that our angering will be produce better behaviour from them. That means to be a controlling freak! I admit, for many years, I was just that - a controlling freak. But, thanks to knowledge of psychology and Choice Theory, I have learned that everyone likes to be in control of something or someone, but noone likes to be controlled!
I have learned to accept that although I may have some significant people in my ideal world, it is ok for me not to be in their ideal world. I have come across many people who are often depressed, angry, frustrated and hostile just because their ideals and reality don't quite match. And when they fail to control those they wish to control, the above feelings get magnified a million times. Some of their unhappiness may manifest itself in the form of physical pain that has no physiology to it, i.e; they've gone to their doctors for cures but no medication would work. Aches and pains that has no physiological reasons to them can be termed as fibromyalgia or psychosomatic pains. When they choose to think more positively, they will feel and behave better, and those mysterious aches and pains will magically disappear!
There are those who are close to my heart and mean the world to me who are showing symptoms of unhappiness. They relentlessly try to control those around them and when all else fails, they begin behaving in ways that drive even the most loyal and loving away from them. Sadly, they don't realise what they are doing to themselves. My fervent wish is to be given the opportunity by Allah to help them see themselves and their lives from a different angle.
So, next time when you are feeling angry, upset, frustrated or flabbergasted, ask yourself, "What is it that I really want? Am I hungry or in pain? Whose behaviour is it that I am trying so hard to control? Whose behaviour can I really control? Is this behaviour going to help me get what I want? Is there another behaviour that I can choose that would yield the results that I want?"
Next time a massive urge to control someone other than yourself rises to your throat that makes you wanna just shout in anger, my prescription to you is this: just grab the TV's remote control and switch channels. That way, you won't be chasing all those you love out of your life. And then, only then, will you have all those you love around you and you will feel loved. Below, I have listed out the Seven Deadly Habits that can ruin any relationship and Seven Caring Habits that can enhance and repair any relationship. Give it a go! What have you got to lose?
Seven Deadly Habits:
Criticising
Blaming
Complaining
Nagging
Threatening
Punishing
Bribing or rewarding to control
Seven Caring Habits:
Supporting
Encouraging
Listening
Accepting
Trusting
Respecting
Negotiating differences
"If I choose all that I do, maybe I can choose to do something better."
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