It doesn't take a rocket scientist to see that I've barely written a word throughout this year. What can I say except that I've been genuinely speechless... in all sense of the word. My beloved grandfather passed away mid January this year, leaving me silent in grief. And before I could recover from that, I took an awful fall and suffered slipped disc that rendered me unable to walk for almost 3 weeks. Shortly after, my shoulder began to give me searing pains. Apparently, this pain has decided to extend its stay indefinitely.
I guess no one is immune to life's curveballs. This is evident in all the Facebook updates and goes on endlessly in my news feed. Although I notice that generally people do try to keep things brave and inspirational (although I am still uncertain whether that is for their own benefit or for others'), on many occasions, I see rantings and ravings of frustrated souls.
I understand very well how reading relentless complaints can come across as self-absorbed and ungrateful. God knows I'm guilty of doing the very same countless times. But I also often remind myself to make a mention when good things are happening and I am happy. This is my way of striking a balance in my own mind. However, this year has been exceptionally hard on me. And that is why I had decided to remain silent as far as blogging is concerned.
I sense that I am undergoing some internal changes. I am uncertain of many things about myself. Yet, one thing remains the same: The sense of security is very important to me. Now more than ever, I seek to find stability in a holistic manner. Inner peace has eluded me much of this year. As a matter of fact, I have not felt peace for a very long time. I'm still uncertain on how to regain it, if I ever had it at all. There's several weeks left to this year. Lets see how things will unravel.
I must remind myself to remain patient and wait until the dust settles before I make any decisions on what to do next. It's only responsible of me to must test all waters and grounds to ensure all the options I weigh won't collapse under my feet. Meanwhile, I must stand firm on the very spot I'm standing on now and observe my surroundings. I deserve to go for what I seriously need and not settle for anything less. My grandfather always made sure I had a taste of the best of life. I believe he did that simply because he believed I deserve the best.
I believe that, too. And that's what I shall strive to achieve.
I love you, Wan.
Al Fatihah for Tan Sri Abdul Aziz Bin Zain.
