I'm sure some of the followers of this blog are wondering why I had not made entries surrounding my birthday recently, as I normally would. I needed some time to ruminate on the meaning of my life up till now. I had a lot and nothing to write on until a few minutes ago. Here are my current ramblings:
My grandfather was taken ill a few weeks ago and was admitted into a local hospital. He got upset when he casted his eyes upon me and this saddened me tremendously. And then I was made to understand the reason behind this. Mentally, his memory has regressed to back when my mom was around my current age. Although he was looking at me, it was my mom whom he was seeing. He kept on saying how he wished he had taken better care of me. I know now, he meant my mom. For I know for sure, he took very good care of me, beyond his scope of filial responsibilities.
What struck me most was the fact that my grandfather, someone whom I see as a person who has achieved so much in his life, still has regrets despite all that he has done. Which led me to ponder upon several things, namely how I want to be when its my turn on the deathbed and also how I want to live my life from hereon.
My mom once told me that regrets and guilts are hell on earth. I agree with her. I have my fair share of regrets and no matter how hard I try to undo my mistakes, its humanly impossible to turn back the clock and fashion my past differently. I have to figure out how to make the best of my time left on earth and not amass more regrets that I can sure live without when I am old and dying.
I realize that there are times in life when we have to differentiate between wants and needs. You may want to do something a certain way but life does not give you the means to do it your way. So instead, you are forced to live life based to your needs. Your heart is left in eternal forlorn, wishing things were different that it really is. Because as much as you try to live life idealistically, you need to be realistic. Meaning you will have to come to terms with what you can do within your means. As much as the next Jane wishes she can afford to drive the most luxurious car, she needs to learn to be grateful for whatever bone rattler she's driving now as a means of getting her from point A to point B.
I have made certain mistakes in my life where the lessons I learnt from them are basically the fact that I am only human and far from perfect. I am not without my weaknesses and flaws. I can only move ahead by accepting that I am still learning and slowly coming into my own self. I need to learn to forgive myself in order for me to stop repeating those mistakes which I know will be my major regrets when I am on my deathbed. I also need to make certain adjustments to my ideals so that I won't be too hard on myself when I fail to meet my own personal standards. I may be too idealistic for my own good. I need to keep it real.
Therefore, I have come to the conclusion that forgiveness is indeed a charity that needs to begin at home. I forgive myself. I forgive you. I forgive all those who may have wronged me. I fervently hope and pray that in time, Allah will have mercy on my poor soul.
