Still Breathing...

Its almost 5 a.m. and my mind is running amok with trillions of thoughts crisscrossing all at once. Well, this comes as no surprise, considering my last entry: to focus more on my thoughts rather than my emotions. I guess this is the residual consequence of that bright idea.

I miss being in Penang. The solitude and tranquility of mind that island gives to me each time I cross that bridge and smell the sea breeze. Somehow, the atmosphere there encourages me to just relax and let go of things that are beyond my control. To just focus on and enjoy the here and now. Whilst everyone here is snoring away in the mindless slumber, I'm besieged by anxieties again. Each time this happens, I know that the fastest and easiest remedy is to blog. As a promise to myself, I shall begin each statement with a thought.

I think I am losing my battle in maintaining the will power to break a habit that no longer makes me happy.
I think I am ready to let go of things and people who no longer make me a priority in their lives.
I think about all the blessings Allah has bestowed upon me throughout my living years and am forever grateful for all the positives and negatives of me and my life.
I think I have evolved into someone I have yet to get acquainted with.
I think this condo needs a good spring cleaning but I'm just too fed up to even bother.
I think Medjai the kitten is a prime example that animals are more capable of giving unconditional love and acceptance than any man can ever give, even at his best.
I think about the future of my daughters and need to work harder at making sure they have better choices than I ever had in my own life.
I think that loneliness is the main cause for unhappiness and depression.
I think my anxieties stem from my need to keep the peace and hold my tongue when the urge to speak my mind chokes my throat.

I know that nothing stays the same, myself included. I have been trying hard to adjust the new me to my surroundings and this has proven to be most strenuous of all. I believe that respect is more than just doffing your hat, saluting a higher ranking officer or honoring the elders. Respect is not about being polite. Respect is about accepting and respecting others in all sense of the word. Respect is about not exerting your believes and principles on others. Respect is about accepting the differences that distinguishes one person from the other even when the understanding of it still eludes you.

I believe I am coping as best I can with the situation I've been given. I believe in fighting for what is right and true for myself without compromising the values others hold worthy to maintain. I understand that I can't have my way all the time. I understand that my problems and challenges are colossal in size only because they are mine and not someone else's. Therefore, I believe I need to keep on breathing and let go of things beyond my control. I believe Allah knows what He's doing and isn't cruel. I have faith that He is allowing things to happen for reasons beyond my comprehension. I believe He will grant me the strength, wisdom and will power to overcome my challenges when I am good and ready, and not any sooner than that.

So, for now, I need to prepare myself to be ready when the opportunity arises for me to triumph over my obstacles.

Al-Quran Surah 94: Ayat 1-8.
In the name of Allah Most Loving, Most Merciful.
(Muhammad), have We not comforted your heart, relieved you of the burden which had been a heavy weight upon your back and granted you an exalted reputation? After every difficulty there is relief. Certainly, after every difficulty there comes relief. When you are free from (your obligations), strive hard (to worship God) and be devoted to your Lord's service.

Pushing the Pause Button.

Earlier today, someone told me how she believed me to be a confident woman from a blog entry I made about a year ago on the premature passing of the King of Pop. Her statement tweaked my curiosity to revisit that entry and reread it. I failed to see how she managed to come to her conclusion regarding my level of confidence.

As I browsed the various entries made last year, I came across the one and only entry I made in the month of July entitled "Pausing for Benjamin Button." I must admit Brad Pitt's gorgeous face adorning the cover of that DVD was as pleasant as a huge cup of frozen yogurt topped with chocolate syrup and multi-colored sprinkles! My eyes began to wonder off to my writings beneath it. At the end of reading it, I let out a huge sigh. My heart felt an unexplainable ache.

I feel tears prickling through, welling up and brimming over my eyes as I type this line. Why am I feeling so sad? Is it because of the memory of what I was going through back then? Or is it because I feel that I am stuck in the same place even after a year has passed? I have failed to let go of things that brought me pain. I have failed to let go of things that are no longer holding me back. Why is this so? Why am I holding on to pain and misery? Why can't I just walk away from all this heartache and venture out into the world that promises a more fulfilling prospect for happiness and stability?

A few weeks ago, my facebook status update said: Old habits are hard to break. I wasn't just referring to behavioral habits but more of the emotional kind. No matter how intelligent a person may be in knowing what is good and healthy for them, the heart will feel what it does for as long as it will. And when its gone, its gone. But meanwhile, what options have I got to survive this bad emotional habit of mine? Having expectations of others who have a fantastic history of disappointing you. Hoping to get some attention from people who are too in love with themselves. The need to save and rescue someone who seem to enjoy being in the doldrums they are in. What kind of emotional disorder is this? An obsession is mostly associated with the mind. The heart knows no obsession. It just knows emotions. I know I need to let go. But I don't know how.

Someone once said that it takes a special person to help you forget someone special. I hope that someone is right. Because I can't continue like this without ending up with a broken heart. So for the time being, the best I can do is to push the PAUSE button. Take a break from feeling. Just stick to thinking. Keep everything on a cognitive level. That way, I will be able to stay sane and not go crazy when my heart gets broken yet again. In the meantime, I pray for some kind words to soothe my agonizing soul.

Believe it? Or not?: July Predictions for Dragons.

No matter what happens to Dragons, they can usually handle it. You were born with a superior emergency gene. Houses catch fire and you leap to extinguish the flames. A child wanders in front of a car, you race out and grab the kid away from harm. You are also lucky. Most everything that goes wrong eventually gets put to rights.

Your weakness? Sentimentality. You cry at the drop of a petal from a rose. This July you will be pitched into a pit of feeling more intense than you have experienced in a long long time. Last month you fell in love. We weren't certain it would last. Your attachment to this person was intense. You felt all over good. But that great feeling also made you feel vulnerable and Dragons hate to feel vulnerable.

Around July 17th, for some unknown reason, the person in question will begin acting strangely aloof. You are not sure why and can't really pinpoint when the odd behavior began. You fear that if you bring it up to him or her they may bolt or voice recriminations regarding something you did. My hunch? The person you fell for is already spoken for. When you met they might have been going through a separation or a brief estrangement from their mate. But now they find themselves caught between the two of you. My advice? Take your distance.

Make clear you will wait a certain length of time for them to come back. If in a month, they have not made up their mind, then you will consider them lost to you. This will be difficult. Dragons hate defeat. But if they are to leave you, better it be done with dignity and managed by yourself.

Money becomes an issue for you after the 20th of July. You may suddenly be confronted with a bill or your car or fridge, TV or computer will give up the ghost and you will want to get a new one. If you are wise, you won't go buying something new on credit. Either get the damn thing fixed or go without till you have the money to buy new.

Children are somehow involved in your month of July, they might be your own kids. But I have a suspicion they are someone else's. Perhaps you are teaching them a skill or taking someone's kids for the weekend. Enjoy!

- by Suzanne White