Coffee With Kak Joe

Oh, What the Heck!

2011-12-26T23:43:00.000+08:00

I was beginning to notice a pattern in the kind of looks I would consider attractive in a man, through several eye candies I've come across on TV and movies. Apart from the obvious good looks, sharp features, etc; what I find to be most attractive is the smile. But what was most astounding to me is the revelation: their smiles remind me of someone's smile. Dayyum!

See for yourself!

Brendan Fraser

Ian Somerhalder

Jeffrey Dean Morgan

Robert Downey Jr.

Gary: My first love.

"First romance, first love, is something so special to all of us, both emotionally and physically, that it touches our lives and enriches them forever."- Rosemary Rogers.

A Diary of My Face

2011-12-03T03:05:00.001+08:00

In this blog entry, I would like to attempt writing some reflections on what my appearance has meant to me over the years. Obviously, this journey is not over. And neither will this entry be done... Until I am done.

Come sit by me and take a peek into the windows of my life.

Age 9

I think my face reflects the precociousness I was well known for during my childhood years. I was brought up to obey but I danced to my own drum beat.

Age 16

During this stage of my adolescence, I cared very little for the way I looked. I was fun loving, carefree, and a little tomboyish. No make up except for the occasional lip gloss mom would allow me to wear for special events.

Age 20

By this time, I had begun experimenting with make up and discovered hairstyles that could frame my face nicely. I was eager to experience the bright and adventurous world that was awaiting me.

Age 23

I had just returned from the UK and was heavily influenced by the fashion trend of the time. I was into sun tanning and opted for the sun-kissed look with highlighted hair. Yeah, I was bold in my dressing too. When you have it, flaunt it. That was my credo.

Age 25

The big day. I kept my curls natural but my make up could hardly be kept to a bare minimum. I was nervous to begin my life with new roles. My head was full of ideals.

Age 28

The joys of motherhood. I bloomed and matured very quickly when Jazelia was born. I discovered abilities and capabilities I never knew I had.

Age 31

The birth of Jelissa taught me the true meaning of sacrifice and unconditional love. This was also the year I learned to face my fears. A life changing moment happened during this phase of my life.

Age 36

I have arrived. I found me. I was at peace.

Age 40

I stumbled upon my own inner boundaries that were invisible to me before. I struggled to learn ways to deal with them and communicating them to my loved ones. It wasn't easy. It still isn't.

Age 44

The greatest academic achievement of my life! Graduating with Masters in Counseling Psychology was something I never dreamed I could do. And here it is! I did it!!

Age 46

This is where I am now. My face has acquired some wrinkles and some darn crows have been dancing on the side of my eyes. Yes, some people call them laugh lines. I agree. The wrinkles on my face speak of my journey beyond words. Take a good look at them and you will see the challenges I faced, the tears I cried, the sweat I labored, the anxieties I suffered and the wisdom I've gained having gone through the life that was designed for me and me alone.

I Hear Voices...

2011-09-28T07:04:00.000+08:00

Its already 6 a.m and I'm still wide awake. Nothing out of the ordinary, considering my circadian rhythm disorder has synchronized my sleeping hours to British time, I should be feeling sleepy any time soon. But before I shut down my precious macBook and head to bed, I thought its best to unload some of the happenings in my mind. I believe this as a precautionary measure in ensuring these matters don't manifest into unpleasant dreams. I mean, if I have to sleep so un-ordinarily from others, the very least I could ask for is a good and restful slumber. Is that too much...?

I am taking a huge risk in writing this down. But my courage comes from believing that I may not be the only one who experiences this occasionally, if not often enough. Some may judge the remainder of this entry with utter disdain, probably a hearty guffaw will bubble up the throat, a malicious smirk, racing heart fueled by anger, and a myriad more of other interesting but equally possible reactions. Do I care? Do I really care? Not really. Because its been shown to me many, many times how people will still lie, twist my truth, fabricate fiction and manipulate facts just so they can hate themselves a little less before they sleep at nights. They are sad, pathetic bunch of crap shit. They don't deserve my care of worry. I just afford a speck of pity for them. Oops! Sorry. I've even given that away to the more deserving stray dog on the street. At least they don't bite the hands that feed them.

I hate stating the obvious but since it can't be made overtly evident in writing, I guess I have to. Here it is. I hear voices. There are several that I hear. The following are the most frequently heard.

Voices of the Past:

My mom telling the 3 year old me that I am jealous of my younger brother. As the years progressed, I made sure to learn exactly what mom meant and with great determination, made sure that darkness inside me is banished for good. Now I am happy to say that I love my brother Eri whole heartedly, without envy or jealousy. I am proud and glad that I achieved that.

Voices of Pain:

The sound of quarrels and fights between two people who love each other but are very disappointed in one another. It caused fear in me and makes my body tremble to hear sudden loud noises. I braced myself to make sure I don't get hysterical. Now I know that anger is tool used by people to control others: spouses, children, students, lovers... Why do I call this "voice of pain" instead of "voice of anger'? Because it hurts to be manipulated by emotional threats. Physical wounds heal and may leave almost invisible scars. Alas, the emotional wounds never heal. Some are forgotten. But never healed.

Voices of Anger:

The things I wish I had said when instead I held my tongue and kept silent. These dialogues repeat themselves ad nauseam in my head, especially when a blanket of silence drapes over home and everyone is lulled in dreamland. When I'm doing something I don't enjoy doing: laundry, ironing and folding clothes. That is when I really stew. I guess thats why I prefer cooking. Whatever it is, I've decided that I've done enough sacrificing for my loved ones and its time for me to live the rest of my life for ME. No one likes to have things shoved down their throats. You don't like people forcing you to do things you don't wanna do? Well, here's news for you, babe! I don't like it either.

Voices of Fear:

Worries over my future. I'm not getting any younger. My body is going through a change I can hardly control. My mind has its own agenda. My heart worries, frets and feels utter anxiety over what hell may come if I don't do something about it now. I can't afford to be old, homeless, penniless and not affording to retire or die! It doesn't help that I read in a local newspaper recently that one will need RM1 million in order to retire in the city I live in now! And even if treatment is sought in government hospitals, its NOT FREE like Facebook!

These voices speak to me in whispers. Sometimes, they come across more loudly. Like yelling. At other times, they are more nagging in manner and I can easily tune them out. Whenever insecurity shows its head, I would remind myself how far I've come, in comparison to some people who are so stuck in their rut that they just can't progress.

Before my current career, I've had several other professions that I've dabbled in. The entertainment industry, interior design and now the professional field of psychology. I may have left the other two, but I have the ability and choice to revisit them any time I wish. I can choose to sing for a gig or act as a consultant for a interior design project. I guess its just like riding a bicycle. The maliciously manipulative people may slander me and try to tarnish my good name in the entertainment industry. But honestly, it would hardly make a dent in my pocket. I don't need to have an immaculate reputation in the entertainment industry in order for me to excel in the field of psychology. Those malicious, bad mouthing bitches can NEVER enter my field of expertise simply because they are uneducated lowlifes. One day they will discover how their own reputations are already deep in the gutters due to their own bad mouths. And their voices are the ONLY ONES I will never hear in my head, simply because these are mere ramblings of attention crazy drama queens.

I've always believed that the most dangerous people are the uneducated morons who will resort to evil ways to get rid of anything that stands in their way to getting what they desire. I have been proven to be right in this belief. I've realized now that my recent chain of actions have been brought about by years of tolerance which has led to many frustrations and disappointments. I guess I couldn't take it anymore. And that is why I pulled the plug. No regrets there. I don't have to tolerate nonsense any longer.

Now that I'm traveling lighter, I sincerely believe I will go much further than ever before. Hooray for little old me!

By the way...

2011-06-23T02:58:00.002+08:00

Paulo Coelho says that writers can only write about themselves. And he does. His journey through life. I would be naive to think that I am the only one who totally agrees with Coelho. His pen is truly mightier than his sword as a Warrior of Light. I can only dream of such brilliant talent.

In my silence, I have struggled to find the words to speak my truth. Not for lack of words in my vocabulary, but more because I lacked depth of understanding of what I am going through. Some call it midlife crisis. Others term it as pre-menopause. Experts blame it all on hormones. I, on the other hand, only know of one true thing. I am changing.

Apart from the physical signs of aging, I feel different. I think different. I know of things I don't yet know and don't know the things I know. I can't explain it. Maybe because I'm still not done. I've not reached the end of this path. And as much as I'd like to share my experience with those whom I love, I cannot. To bare my soul will be to open the door for criticism and judgment. I have enough of those within me to last my eternity.

Although some may have their own thoughts as to my choice of companion (which, by the way, are Coelho's books), I care only for my own opinion of myself and of my own needs. After all, Coelho did articulate it perfectly by saying a reader buys whatever that reflects his/her state of mind or the status quo. My spirit is intact. It is my body that is going out of control. And I'm neither here nor there. I am not in a limbo of sort. Just in progression towards something I have yet to discover.

In my solitary introspections, I've learnt that I have never been faithful to myself. I have always strived to please others, fashioned my life to the approval of others. To conform. Just to have a sense of belonging, after which I will leave behind in search of a new sense of security. Safety. Can it be found in the darkness of solitude? And yet I have fear of loneliness. How I contradict myself continuously. Maybe its time for me to have a session with my supervisor. Maybe he can help me sort things out in my head. And still I won't be able to tell him everything. I simply cannot do that. Am I seeking understanding from him? Or just a confirmation that whatever I am going through now is normal and nothing out of the ordinary? Maybe all I need is for someone to assure me that I will be alright in the end and not doomed for hell fire. That's the tip of the iceberg for you, Freud.

Here is why I am writing this entry. A note for my loved ones and for those who are sincerely concerned for my holistic well-being. A message in a bottle from me on a stranded island:

Dear ______,

You may have not seen me as often as before. You may not have heard from me as frequently as once upon a time. I am still alive. My soul is, that is. I'm not quite sure what the hell my body is going through. And in that process, my heart and mind gets dragged along this arduous journey. This tempest within me can only be stilled by Him. In His cocoon, I am safe from harm. That, I have full faith.

But I need to be away to sort things out. I need to find out who I am now. The me you've grown to know and love, has expired its shelf date. I've been marked out. To partake in my life right now will prove to be toxic for you and our relationship.

What was once acceptable to me no longer applies true. What used to annoy the shit out of me is now, somehow, less offensive. I guess my life is being reviewed and revised. The process is painful but necessary. I don't expect you to have the patience of a holy saint, to wait for me to come around. Please do carry on with your own life. We'll see how things are upon my return. If things we've had in the past still maintains true, so be it. If not, we know its time to embrace change.

I have learnt that I have been carrying the burden of my past on my shoulders, with a horrid garland of guilt around my neck and a crown of regrets upon my head. I cannot do that anymore. I am weary of having made bad decisions that may affect my present and my future. Right now, nothing works for me. I have to take my life apart and take a good look at each individual parts that makes up the whole of me. I have to clean every bit before putting things back together again... Not in the same way as before, mind you. It would have to be the way that suits me best now. The me that I am soon to become.

I pray for you to have patience and trust in me, that I know what I'm doing... even though, at most times, I am totally clueless. I embrace my ignorance with a shawl of curiosity and pray to God that this won't get me into further problems. I should think what I have on my plate is pretty overwhelming already, as it is.

I pray that when I am through with this journey and I reach the other side, I can still be accepted, respected, loved and understood by those who matter to me. By the very least, I would pray for my own conscience. May I be able to accept who I become when I reach the end of this meandering path into the forest.

I'm sorry I am not able to remain the same to suit your comfort zone. I'm sorry if it proves to be a challenge for you to categorize or label me into whatever method of processing you use to make sense out of everything and everyone. I'm sorry if I can't be there for you in your time of need. I need me more than anyone else, right now. And If I can't be here for me, I can never be sincerely there for anyone else.

You may not understand what I am going through right now but your turn will come, sooner or later. Be kind, so you will receive kindness when its your turn. You will find kindness most comforting and reassuring.

Thank you for your time in reading my ramblings. I hope to return the favour in future to come.

"In my case, I did the only thing I should have done, or use my writings to get to know myself better.." - Paulo Coelho

Moving Fiction

2011-05-24T00:00:00.001+08:00

Its been a long while since I picked up and read a fiction book. After many years of reading books my mom bought, books by authors like Danielle Steele, John Grisham and Jeffery Archer, I grew tired of reading fiction and went on to favouring non-fiction books such as anything relating to psychology, self-help, alternative therapies and spirituality or religion. Recently, I stumbled upon a quote by Paulo Coelho that stopped me dead in my tracks! And then I went on to search more and more quotes from this author. I fell in love with each and every thing he has to say! I can't explain why I find myself so moved by the simplicity of his words.

My daughter bought me a paperback copy of The Alchemist. It sat on my bedside table for many weeks. I would sometimes take a peek into the pages and found myself sucked into his story. I could sense that this author has the magic of pulling the reader into his fictional world and yet leaving us able to use the wisdom and lesson gained into our daily lives.

On my recent trip to Penang, I brought the book with me. I read it on the bus, on the hotel bed (under the covers, as usual) and finishing it off on my return bus ride home. The impact of that book was so profound that I was left speechless! And so, I decided to share some parts of the book with my husband by reading it out loud to him. My husband is not a book lover but he loves having me read to him.

My husband was intrigued by the story line and characters in the story. But most of all, he was deeply moved by the wisdom contained in the story. Almost each line in the book is a quotable quote! As for me, as much I am well aware I am not a good writer, I now feel inspired to keep on writing until I can be the best writer I can be!

I find this book spiritually enlightening, full of ageless wisdom, simply written, and profoundly moving. I felt the paradigm shift happening within me when each line is devoured and digested. Now I am determined to hunt, purchase and own all of Coelho's books. I am intrigued by his character and mind. He has allowed me to travel through his creative mind and I am craving for more.

I am so grateful for the day my daughter bought me this book. I am more grateful and amazed that my husband has begun reading. Generally, he hates reading books. But I think its safe to say, he is hooked on Coelho. Well done, darling! Let's keep reading together....

Pure genius is a person who can move others by his creativity and wisdom.

Life, Love, Dreams and Regrets.

2011-02-13T20:56:00.001+08:00

I'm sure some of the followers of this blog are wondering why I had not made entries surrounding my birthday recently, as I normally would. I needed some time to ruminate on the meaning of my life up till now. I had a lot and nothing to write on until a few minutes ago. Here are my current ramblings:

My grandfather was taken ill a few weeks ago and was admitted into a local hospital. He got upset when he casted his eyes upon me and this saddened me tremendously. And then I was made to understand the reason behind this. Mentally, his memory has regressed to back when my mom was around my current age. Although he was looking at me, it was my mom whom he was seeing. He kept on saying how he wished he had taken better care of me. I know now, he meant my mom. For I know for sure, he took very good care of me, beyond his scope of filial responsibilities.

What struck me most was the fact that my grandfather, someone whom I see as a person who has achieved so much in his life, still has regrets despite all that he has done. Which led me to ponder upon several things, namely how I want to be when its my turn on the deathbed and also how I want to live my life from hereon.

My mom once told me that regrets and guilts are hell on earth. I agree with her. I have my fair share of regrets and no matter how hard I try to undo my mistakes, its humanly impossible to turn back the clock and fashion my past differently. I have to figure out how to make the best of my time left on earth and not amass more regrets that I can sure live without when I am old and dying.

I realize that there are times in life when we have to differentiate between wants and needs. You may want to do something a certain way but life does not give you the means to do it your way. So instead, you are forced to live life based to your needs. Your heart is left in eternal forlorn, wishing things were different that it really is. Because as much as you try to live life idealistically, you need to be realistic. Meaning you will have to come to terms with what you can do within your means. As much as the next Jane wishes she can afford to drive the most luxurious car, she needs to learn to be grateful for whatever bone rattler she's driving now as a means of getting her from point A to point B.

Someone close to my heart had to make those kind of choices. Although it pains him to abandon certain wishes he holds very dearly, he has to take a good look at his current life circumstances and pave his way on the route laid out ahead of him, and walk away from his ardent dreams. He is a man of courage, I say. It takes utter bravery to be able to embrace that kind of change, no matter how much it breaks his heart to leave his loved ones behind in that process.

I have made certain mistakes in my life where the lessons I learnt from them are basically the fact that I am only human and far from perfect. I am not without my weaknesses and flaws. I can only move ahead by accepting that I am still learning and slowly coming into my own self. I need to learn to forgive myself in order for me to stop repeating those mistakes which I know will be my major regrets when I am on my deathbed. I also need to make certain adjustments to my ideals so that I won't be too hard on myself when I fail to meet my own personal standards. I may be too idealistic for my own good. I need to keep it real.

Therefore, I have come to the conclusion that forgiveness is indeed a charity that needs to begin at home. I forgive myself. I forgive you. I forgive all those who may have wronged me. I fervently hope and pray that in time, Allah will have mercy on my poor soul.

Mes premiers pas vers l'apprentissage du français.

2011-01-10T03:18:00.001+08:00

J'ai toujours aimé la langue française. Juste à écouter quelqu'un parler dans cette belle langue est assez pour me faire sentir comme si je suis assis dans le jardin avec la Tour Eiffel dans mon arrière-plan. Ma récente visite en France avec mafamille a stimulé encore moi d'apprendre le français avec plus d'enthousiasme.Avoir le soutien de mon mari, il est beaucoup plus facile de poursuivre mon rêvelinguistique.

Me voici donc, faire ma première entrée du blog en français, quoique l'on utiliseGoogle Translate. Un beau jour, j'espère être capable d'écrire sur le mien. Voici ledébut du reste de ma vie belle.

La vie est belle!

I'm Sorry, Mad...

2011-01-04T01:42:00.000+08:00

.... but although 3 years have passed, I still miss you. No one can ever take your place. You're just irreplaceable. I've accepted that fact now. I know I never said this when you were alive, but I loved you then and I love you still. You'll always be the brother I never had. My biggest fan. My truest friend. My most loyal champion. My clown on a see-saw.

Mohamad Abdul Rahman Zubaidi Al-Hasawi.
Al-Fatihah

My Bucket List - Revised

2011-01-01T01:46:00.000+08:00

Almost 2 years ago, I wrote an entry about my bucket list, inspired by the movie starring Jack Nicholson and Morgan Freeman. Today, as I reread that entry, I made a few observations regarding the status of that list and what I have successfully fulfilled.

1. Perform my Haj.
2. Go to Mekkah with my family. ✓
3. Repay all my debts. ✓
4. See God's earth with my family. - In progress.
5. See the 7 wonders of the world. - In progress.
6. Learn to speak fluent Arabic and French. - In progress.
7. Have a fantastic relationship with my daughters. - In progress.
8. Live a simple but fulfilling life. ✓
9. Learn psychology to the highest level. - In progress.

Considering the fact that I made this list almost 24 months ago, I would think that its quite an achievement to have been given the opportunity to complete several items already. I hope to be able to write an entry after having completed all of the items above.

My goal to perform my Haj is now a good possibility, after repaying all of my debts. However, now I need to focus on saving up and preparing myself for that spiritual graduation. The past few months have seen me slip and fall several times that I truly believe I am back at square one as far as my spiritual journey is concerned. Allah is Most Merciful. But I am a lot harder on myself than anyone can ever be. Call me idealistic. I have my own non-negotiable terms that I impose onto myself.

Since the beginning of this new millennium, my family and I have suffered great financial difficulties due to the economic and political scenario. Not someone to assign blame onto others, I rolled up my sleeves and worked hard to put food on the table and keep clothes on our backs. We worked together as a team and did what was necessary to keep us together and weather through the storm. I can personally testify that nothing beats the feeling of relief when we managed to get rid of the biggest financial burden we had. No one truly understood or knew the real hardship we went through, not even the ones closest to us. We told no one because it was our test. Our challenge. No one else's.

My recent trip to the U.K and France with my family was something I had prayed for, for a long time, as part of the 4th item on my list. Its an ongoing process, of course; as we're all well aware how expansive God's earth is. And I would like to believe that during this time, my relationship with my daughters had strengthen. I'm grateful for the opportunity to learn French! And although it was barely enough to assist us through our travels in France, it was a good start and now I'm hooked! Our next stop will be Egypt to see the pyramids. Arabic, anyone...?

I have always dreamed of living a simple but fulfilling life. I guess I am living my dream now! My needs have always been simple. Security. Debt free. Portable. Useful. Simple. I live in a rented condo with my family, near enough for my children to go to work, school and socialize with their friends. My private practice is thriving, alhamdulillah. My office is nearby. Dear hubby's brains may be doing the mental backstroke right now but soon he will be an MBA graduate and secure himself a lecturing job. From then on, we will work towards affording and rewarding ourselves with travels to widen our horizons.

I'm also very grateful for reconnecting with Ann, my Welsh mum, over the past years. And during my visit in Swansea, she has shown great interest and enthusiasm in getting me started on a research she's conducting and also for me to consider doing my Ph.D in her university as well as establishing a practice in the UK to help sponsor my own education. Darling hubby and the girls are pretty keen on the idea of living in Swansea for at least 2 years. That will be able to earn me a nice ✓ for my last item on the list! Nice move, Johana! Good chance to get away from green and toxic people.

So, there you have it! My progress report as far as my bucket list is concerned. Yes, I do have several more things to add onto this list. But I thought I'd complete this one before adding on more things to do. I want to keep things simple, right? Life is complicated as it is. No need for me to contribute towards that aspect of life. But life is also beautiful, if we know where to look.

This is my introspection on my journey. This is how I make sure I'm on the right track. How's your life doing...?

Goodbye Pain. Hello Gain!!

2010-12-31T17:09:00.002+08:00

Wow! 2010 has been a very trying year indeed for me and for many as well. As I revisit all the entries I have made all along this year, I am indeed amazed at how I had managed to survive it all and live to tell about everything I have experienced. Do I want to go back in time and go through all that again? No! But if I am ever given a chance to redo some of the things I had done, I would definitely grab that opportunity to make different choices than the ones I had made. I am well aware in doing that, I would have to expect a different today than what is presently. Yes. I would wish to do certain things differently.

Its pretty obvious that no one is immune to making mistakes and taking wrong turns in this journey of life. Not even a grown adult of 45 years and 11 months. As much as I grimace at the idea of making yet another mistake, I prefer that than live a life of cowardice. I am truly a student who learns from making mistakes. No teacher is better than a life full of experience.

Somewhere within this year, I decided to adopt a different mental stance in looking at life. Only focus on the good and beautiful. Forget the bad and walk away from the ugly. There were some sacrificial lambs necessary in my learning process. But in the end, I walk away feeling glad I learned something good out of the bad and ugly.

In 2010, I lost some loved ones through death and circumstances in life. I also found my true character and saw my weaknesses and shortcomings as they truly are. I also saw people in their real colors. They shone through my blind denial and showed me who I can and cannot trust. As painful as these lessons are, these are the pearls of wisdom I wish had come earlier in my life. However, I am thankful all the same for all these lessons despite its delay, for I believe that for as long as I have learnt well, I can armor myself from future pains and disappointments. All is NOT lost.

Recently, I confided in my soul sister, Wa, about my bout of forgetfulness. I told her how I had gone to a mall to purchase a pair of new jeans for my Europe trip and had asked for a size 32. When I found that size 32 was too loose for me, I had asked for size 31 and still couldn't get it to fit me well. I had thought to myself that maybe I have lost some weight and was quietly pleased with myself when I went home with a size 30 pair of jeans. I even shared my delight with darling hubby and he was equally happy for me. However, upon reaching home, when I found my old pair of jeans, I discovered that my actual size is 30 and not 32 as I had thought! Oh my God! I had not any weight but had lost my memory! How hilarious is that?!

And then the wisdom came to me like a divine revelation. Sometimes, when we forget something, its God's way of keeping us happy by letting us forget the less pleasant things about life. Consider it like a form of mental house keeping for emotional health! So, when you can't remember something terrible that may have happened in the past, don't dredge it up. Its not worth it. Let sleeping dogs lie. Let bygones be bygones. It is true that its easier to forgive than to forget. So when you forget, is it as good as forgiven? I don't know the answer to that question. I promise to share the answer if and when I get it. Will I be darting around looking for the answer to that question? No. It will come to me. And if it never does, I guess forgotten means forgiven. Forgotten also means it doesn't matter anymore.

Good riddance to bad rubbish. I open my mind, heart and soul to the bountiful blessings waiting for me in the new horizon. Yes. I walked away from the bad and ugly. I'm so far gone that I've finally found peace of mind and security.

Ya, Allah. Be gentle on me...

Paris - La ville de l'amour.

2010-12-26T00:11:00.002+08:00

After two grueling days of making our way from London to Paris, we arrived in the city of love via the TGV express train and disembarked at Gare du Nord train station. We were very glad to see that the heavy snow did not follow us to that city, despite the freezing temperature. After checking into a hotel opposite the train station, we made our way to a nearby restaurant to have our first Parisian dinner. It was hard to keep the excitement in the air when travel fatigue threatened to make us just wanna climb into bed and sleep like a bear. Poor Lissa was so sick from all the train rides that she threw up almost all of the French onion soup she ordered for dinner. It didn't help that she saw a man pick his nose and put his pickings into his mouth! Uber yucks! Finishing dinner was such an effort for us all and we spent the remainder of our energy just falling into bed... dead to the world!

Since we only had 1 solid day to tour Paris, we decided to stick to the few top 'must-see' spots in the city. Thankfully, after learning from me in London, JC took to navigating us through Paris Metro like a duck to water. She expertly guided us to our first stop - The Eiffel Tower.

Lissa let out a squeal of excitement when she spotted the tip of the tower as we climbed the steps up from the Metro station. Despite the chilly wind, we braved through the crowd and traffic and made our way to the foot of the tower. Along the way, many souvenir vendors paved the path leading up to the site, selling miniature Eiffel Towers in all sorts of colors.

I lead JC, our official photographer, to the very center of the tower base to take an upward snapshot. The reason for this is simply because this was not something normal people would wanna do. So, here it is!

The girls took some more photographs of themselves with the tower as their backdrop while Jasmene and I explore the souvenir shops. I bought some postcards to post from the tower so that it will bear the Eiffel Tower stamp. I sent them to Mom, Eri (my brother) and my soul sister, Wa. Pretty soon, the chilly wind got even colder until some of the souvenir vendors on the site began packing their wares and heading home. We, on the other hand, had a few more stops to make before we can consider that option. Paris in a day? Crazy!!

Our next destination was Notre Dame Cathedral. This time, it was JC who let out a girlish squeal as she saw the famous landmark. We walked through the thickening crowd and busy traffic to the front entrance of the cathedral. Mind you, I have been to all these places when I was 18 years old, and yet it never fails to take my breath away to see the magnificent architecture of that building. The inside is another awesome sight. Every details of the building was still as how I remember it. Simply awesome.

After completing our little tour inside the cathedral, we found ourselves in a restaurant nearby to silence our grumbling tummies. A plate of pasta and a cup of cafe au lait gave us the energy we needed to venture further to our next destination. Looking at the remaining hours of daylight that we had left, we decided that The Louvre Museum would be the best place to head for.

I was impressed at the many improvements made to The Louvre. Namely, the direct access to the Museum from Metro station that made it possible for us to avoid the rain that had begun to pour down Paris. After a quick visit to the most fragrant loo I've ever been in, we were ready to begin our artistic tour inside the museum. I can't recall how long we were in there but I can still feel the pain from so much walking in my tired old legs! Ouch! Ouch!

The girls were driven by their enthusiasm to see Mona Lisa with their own eyes. JC had a jolly time snapping photos like a professional papparazzi! Meanwhile, Jasmene and I were contented to just sit on the comfy seats provided. It took all of my will power not to just curl up and sleep! Mon dieu! Old age creeping up on me! JC jokingly chided me for my lack of energy, saying, "Mama! How could you sit down?! I never stopped walking, you know?" To which I replied, albeit snappishly,"When I was your age, I did it all! Even more than what you're doing now!" And then she asked,"What happened?" I simply replied,"I'm not 18 anymore."

By the time we were done with the Louvre Museum, I was ready to collapse! But we had one more stop to make and after negotiating the time of day as well as the weather, we decided to give Champs Elysees a miss and opted for the nearest Chanel boutique for JC to purchase a Chanel product in its country of origin. Rue Cambon is where the original Chanel store is located. However, given the fact that I wasn't sure how far that road is from the Champs Elysees, I suggested the next best option: Galarie Lafayette. I was well aware how close this shopping mall is to Champs Elysees. But the rain just made it a lot easier for us to go for the easiest choice. Plus, we were already running on empty. We were tired, cold and hungry...again!

I really hate shopping malls. Especially crowded ones! And Galarie Lafayette was crowded to the ceiling! It wasn't long before we managed to locate the Chanel boutique in the X'mas shopping madness. Sheesh! But, seeing my girls smiling from ear to ear was enough for me to feel happy for them and forget how bone tired I was.

Lissa really wanted to skate at the ice rink she saw near the Tower of London but we negotiated with her that ice skating in Paris would be more fun for her. But unfortunately for her, the rain made that possibility an impossible one. So, after Galarie Lafayette, we made our way back to Gare du Nord and plonked our aching bodies on the dining chairs in one of the corner restaurants near our hotel. We chose to sit outside to savor our last night in Paris while enjoying some pasta, french onion soup and escargot. Yup! Those delicious gastropods surprised even Jasmene and the girls! They were delighted to discover how tasty these snails are! Yes! I'm just pleased I managed to coax them to give it a try. The girls even considered second helpings but decided otherwise after they have had their fill of pastas and soups with buttered baguettes.

Overall, our Swansea-London-Paris stays have been a remarkable one. We thoroughly enjoyed every second of it. Was it perfect? No. There were some nasty moments we would rather forget. But then again, what makes our trip so memorable is a combination of the pretty and the ugly.This trip gave us an opportunity to work as a team and spend real quality time together. We were tested to the max! We found both strength and weakness on this trip, the places we visited and of us as a family. C'est la vie. That is life. Life is not perfect. In the imperfection we found character. Mainly, our own.

And today, as I find myself cooking in the comfort of my own tiny kitchen, spooning some sambal ikan bilis into my plate of piping hot nasi lemak, I am grateful I am finally enjoying my own cooking and able to walk around my condo in the skimpiest of clothes. Que sera sera.

Europe - Lonely Planet Style...?

2010-12-22T06:32:00.001+08:00

The manic frenzy began a few days ago when our fervent wish for a white winter in the UK had been fulfilled by a scenic snowy sight outside our window during our stay in The Glevdon on Oystermouth Road, Swansea. Apparently, about 15 years had passed since the last time it snowed in this neck of the British Isles. The snow was so thick that it rendered the public transportation to a quiet halt! Even Ann, my dear Welsh mom, couldn’t get her car out and down the Townhill to see me off as we left Swansea yesterday afternoon.

Arriving late afternoon in Paddington Station, we were greeted with more snow and our chances of getting a train to Paris on the next day looked bleak. The weather forecast confirmed our worst fears. All flights and trains had been cancelled. Many travelers were stranded at Heathrow and all train stations.

After an early breakfast at The London Guards Hotel in Lancaster Gate, we took our chances, packed our bags and headed to Victoria station. Upon reaching there, we found a long snaking queue leading up to the ticket counter. Our hearts fell to our stomachs. However, as from the beginning of our travels, we were fortunate enough to have met some of the nicest and most helpful people in the world who, not only assisted us through with our travel challenges but also did it with warm hearts and sincere smiles.

The lady at the ticketing counter informed us that all buses from London to Paris were sold out. However, she was quick to point out to us that the best option we have was to take a coach to Dover and try our luck at getting a ferry across the English Channel and catching a train from Lille to Paris. We decided to go along with her suggestion and bought a coach ticket to Dover. The bus ride was smooth and pleasant. It also gave us an opportunity to nap a while before reaching our destination.

The White Cliffs of Dover greeted us like a warm host, as we neared the ferry port. We quickly fell into the long line of people who were queuing up for ferry tickets. Meanwhile, we befriended some sturdy Bobbies who were on duty at the port. They were sweet enough to make sure we boarded the shuttle bus without having to go the end of the very, very long queue line.

The outside temperature was steadily dropping to a sub zero level. The wind, snow and rain did not help either. We were very grateful and let out a sigh of relief when we boarded the well heated ferry. As we crossed the English Channel, the green coloured decks slowly turned white from the falling snow.

When we arrived in Calais, we were slapped by the horridly cold wind, as we disembarked from the ferry. And then it began to rain. There were no buses. No taxis. Luckily enough, we met some more nice people there who were also on the same ferry and faced the same challenges: a Bulgarian man named Orlin and two French boys from Bordeaux named Vincent and Thiboult. They helped us find a private car owner who could drive us to the nearby hotel before taking them to Lille train station for their next transfer.

By the time we walked in through the hotel door, almost 4 hours had passed since we arrived in Calais. And although our bed looked somewhat broken, by the shape of it, my mind conjured up several sordid explanations as to how that bed could end up looking like it did, I was deeply thankful to be able to climb into a warm bed and fell asleep like a baby.

I awakened at 8am, feeling rested and ready for another day of travelling adventure. Breakfast consists of two cups of café au lait and tons of delicious croissants with salted butter. My ideal morning spread. Fed to the max, we braved the chilling weather and walked most of the way to the train station with our heavy luggage in tow. Thank heavens for casters! And then the free shuttle bus drove us for the remainder of the way.

The Calais train station was relatively quiet, considering yesterday’s fracas. We calmly lined up to buy our train tickets and pretty soon we were set to embark on our French journey. Our first stop was Lille Flanders and we had to walk to Lille Europe train station to catch our connecting train to Paris. Lugging heavy luggage through the traffic and cold weather was not easy. But the moment we arrived in Paris and checked into a hotel near Gare du Nord’s train station, we felt an overwhelming sense of relief that we managed to survive through such an ordeal just to get to our destination despite all the challenges we faced. And having a nice dinner at the Ma Maison around the corner of the hotel was a nice closing to an adventurous day.

Now, its time for me to hit the sack because tomorrow promises a fun filled day of Eiffel Tower, Louvre Museum, Notre Dame Cathedral and Champs Elysees before we head back to Malaysia… our true home.

Swansea Rules OK!

2010-12-18T06:56:00.000+08:00

I've always regarded Swansea as my home ever since I was sent there to do my A-Levels back in 1985. That was where I discovered who I am as a person. So, its only natural that I feel compelled to bring my two teenage daughters there and share that part of my development with them. When this rare opportunity came up, I simply jumped at the chance at walking down memory lane with them in tow.

As I'm composing this entry, I am seated on the floor of the nice and cosy Bed & Breakfast on Oystermouth Road, facing the Swansea Bay. I've been back here about 16 years ago and now I'm here again for a conference. Waking up this morning and being greeted with snow covered Swansea was such a wonderful surprise. We never had this heavy snow when I was studying here back then.

Walking down the memory lane with my girls meant walking around Tycoch College and The Quadrant. Ann, my welsh mom, couldn't get to us this morning because her car was snowed in and the roads down hill are far too slippery for her to drive down and take us to the Mumbles.

So much has changed in Swansea. As Ann puts it, Swansea has gone crazy! Although The Quadrant is still there as the main shopping mall in this small town, many other developments and progress are hard to ignore. There never was much drug addict problems in Swansea. Now, there's not only just the druggies but also the homeless. So much for the economic downturn.

I am seriously considering doing my Ph.D here and making this wonderful heaven on earth my home again, at least for 2 or 5 years. Whether this remains a dream or becomes my reality, is yet to be seen. But the main reason why I just love this place is for one reason only, which is this: Swansea makes me feel I'm at home. My troubles seem so far away when I am here. The warmth of the people here radiates through my skin and into my heart, where it glows and grows into love.

I love Swansea!

A Fresh New Beginning

2010-12-07T04:18:00.000+08:00

Father Time has pulled a fast one on me again. In a blink, I find myself staring at the dawn of a new beginning. Awwal Muharram marks the closing of an old book and the beginning of a new chapter. I'm just utterly grateful for being alive after all that has happened.

After talking to a client tonight, I can't help but realize how important it is for everyone to be given a chance to start anew. No one should be defined by whatever mistakes they may have made in the past. If anything, the best lessons in life are the ones gleaned through the many opportunities found in challenging moments.

I feel blessed to have been given the chance to learn from my past and walk forward with more confidence and maturity. Gone are my naive and idealistic views surrounding love, relationships and life. What's left is more real than anything I've ever known. Some people may not know or understand the reasons behind the things I have said and done. Honestly, their understanding, or lack of it, is irrelevant. The point is, I get it!

In life, we sometimes find ourselves in a spot where we would stop and ask ourselves how the hell did we get into such deep shit holes. At times, we fail to even justify our choices, mentally. Obviously, these are the moments when its pretty overt that our emotions drove us to indulge in rash and irrational behaviors. But the moment logic lands and we are able to think things through, we are presented with the rare chance at stopping ourselves dead in the track and re-evaluate our route. Sometimes, short cuts help us beat the gnarling traffic. But, sometimes the scenic route is the best way to go. After all, life is not about arriving at the destination. Most of the joy stems from the journey. All we need to do is to remember to breathe and not fret the small stuff.

Along the way, unneeded luggage gets shed off and we learn to travel light, bringing with ourselves the bare essentials that we can't live without. With only a pair of hands, we can't afford to cling on to things that will stunt our growth and development.

At the threshold of Awwal Muharram, I feel empowered by this chance Allah has presented to me as a mean to start again. Not only am I excited with this opportunity, but also relieved that I am able to walk away from the ugly and keep the beautiful. I know that my most recent prayer at Masjid Maqbul has been answered by Allah. An orphan boy also prayed for my utter wellbeing with his palms facing skyward as his lips articulately submitted a fervent prayer on my behalf. The prayer of the innocent flies directly to Allah. Ameen!

With my soulmate by my side, I feel stronger than ever, as I walk on to my next stage of life. I don't know how much time I have left. What matters is that I live my life happily, satisfactorily, and usefully. I've got my Ray Ban aviators on as I walk into the bright light of life and love. Yup. I need the shades because my future is blindingly bright and rosy. Que sera, sera.

Imperfectly Perfect.

2010-11-12T03:38:00.001+08:00

An oxymoron, I know. But it describes my marriage precisely.

Earlier today, I was sharing a little anecdote with a client of mine. My intention for this small self-disclosure was to show how deeply I empathize with her feelings regarding her marital challenges. She utterly surprised to find that even as a marriage counselor, I am not immune to emotional struggles and mental obstacles that sometimes plague the best of marriages. I went on to explain to her that no matter how good I may be at my work, I am still a human being, a woman at that, and therefore I cope with these issues as best I possibly can. Her eyes widened with realization that no one who ever finds themselves in a relationship with a loved significant other, will be able to avoid such issues and challenges.

A few years ago, I had called it quits many times. I am the first to admit that this may be due to my emotional as well as my mental state of mind at that time. I suffer from occasional anxiety attacks which renders me paralyzed by my worst fears whizzing around my mind like a bloody F1 race! In my weakest hours, I had surrendered to defeat and put up the white flag to end it all. In the dark abyss, I saw no hope. I felt I couldn't take another step further. I was tired. I felt beaten.

I am far from perfect. Same goes for my husband and my marriage. Its not always a bed of roses. This is real life. Not fiction. Longevity of a marriage relies upon the stamina of both parties to withstand frustrations and the constant struggles between doing what's right and wanting to be free of stress and onus of responsibilities.

Knowing fully well of my own shortcomings, I strife hard to do the best I can with whatever I have. I give it my all until there's nothing left. And then I walk away to rest and recharge. After strength has been regained, I come back and keep on fighting for what I believe is right and true.

In that process, there has been times when I almost couldn't find my way home. There were also times when I felt like I didn't want to go home. I even had entertained the idea of finding a new home. The worst crunch came last December when I asked to be set free. Little did I expect the outcome to be such a positive one!

Almost immediately, rights and responsibilities implied upon each other by marital law fell to the floor like tiny dust particles. My husband and I began looking at each other in a different light. We had no more expectations of each other. We claimed no rights over one another. We got along fantastically well, despite the fact that we were just bidding time until the end was to arrive. And somehow, along the way, we fell in love with each other again.

A few days ago, my husband and I decided that we are going to keep our marriage together. Most of the big obstacles that stood in our way has already been removed by the grace of Allah. The rest is very doable for us to achieve. Blessed. Yes, I believe we are.

So here we are now. Very much in love with each other. We feel like a couple of newly weds! As much as our daughters roll their eyes each time they catch us being crazily in love with each other, we know they are indeed very relieved that all the drama is over.

Both my husband and I are still as flawed as we were before. Same goes for our marriage. What has changed is that we've learnt that we are worth the struggle to keep us together. We no longer have unrealistic expectations of each other. We see each other as who and what we are. No more denials. No more lies. Only renewed resolutions that no matter what, we are here to stay together. Dreams do come true. But only after making some mis-takes, wrong turns, U-turns, detours, and getting your bearings right. There is no shame is erring. But there is honor in forgiving.

There's roughly about 6 weeks to go till the end of 2010. But the joy and happiness in my marriage and family has regained its momentum. Looking ahead, I can't help but feel excited and optimistic. Perfectly imperfect. Imperfectly perfect. Take it any which way you want. The point is we are still together. That MUST account for something... right? Give it a go. See for yourself. You'll see what I mean.

C'est la vie!
A bientôt...

Happiness Regained.

2010-11-02T22:19:00.004+08:00

Hahahaha... In pursuit of happiness? Was I even looking for it? I don't think so. But, I will let you read this entry and draw your own opinion on this. Here goes...

My day today began almost as ordinary as yesterday. Having had the blissful sleep that ensued right after finishing 2012 with my family at the wee hours of the morning, I woke up wide eyed at 11 am feeling freshly rested. Although, I did make a mental note to get myself a new pillow for my head. Hmm...

I headed straight for the kitchen to brew myself a mug of coffee. As I religiously took my vitamin supplements and gulped them down with a few swigs of caffeine, I made a beeline for my Macbook and sat down to read some emails. After several incoming and outgoing phone calls, I managed to confirm a few appointments for the day. By 3 pm, I was already out the door with Jazelia in tow, as she was working the closing shift at Starbucks and conveniently I had made arrangements to hold my meetings there, too.

My first meeting was at 4 pm and when it ended 90 minutes after that, I decided to continue doing some research work on my laptop before having an early dinner before my next appointment begins. However, something had happened that caused my client to postpone her meeting with me. And since Jazelia's shift ends after midnight, that meant I had time to burn. Cool!

I decided to amble leisurely around 1 Utama shopping mall and it pleased me tremendously when I stumbled upon some bedding products. Pillow! I need a new pillow for my head! I found one that met my personal needs. Lavender pillow. Cool! I can sleep more soundly than last night!

With my new pillow tucked in a huge shopping bag, I went on walking. And somehow, my feet found their way to MPH bookstore. I walked slowly as I allowed my eyes to feast on the array of books and magazines displayed all around me. My heaven on earth! I purchased two psychology magazines and paid for them. I then remembered I must search for some travel books I may need in the future. And then suddenly I realized something weird. I had a huge grin on my face! I was smiling from ear to ear! I felt a buzz. Is this a result of retail therapy?

I called my husband and told him what was happening to me. I heard my own voice as I spoke to him. I was giggling like a young girl! Oh my God!! I was actually experiencing blissful joy! Bless my humbled soul, I have found my way back to happiness! I was beaming as I heard my husband's voice laughing away on the other end of the phone line. He was genuinely happy and proud that I had regain the old me that had been lost over the past 3 years!

Best of all, I'm so grateful to have regained my bliss after so long. I may have gotten lost over the past few years but I'm glad I'm found again. Alhamdulillah. I truly believe Allah has forgiven me for my sins and transgressions. He has accepted my repentance. I'm finally home.

A Love Worth Dying For

2010-11-02T21:37:00.003+08:00

When the movie 2012 came out in the cinemas, I was very reluctant to go watch it. Partly due to me not wanting to entertain my morbidity, but mostly because of my faith that disallows me to believe in any prophecies of mere mortals. However, this movie somehow made its way into my life via Astro.

As much as I dreaded seeing what the movie had to suggest regarding the future of mankind, I reluctantly coaxed my family into watching it with me. I know this does not make sense but somehow having them there next to me made it a little less daunting.

Seeing how the characters in the movie faced their last moments alive and the way they handled themselves in the most critical seconds of their lives made me ponder upon several things. Love. Priorities. Sacrifices. It also made me look at my life over the past three years.

In a nutshell, this movie was the perfect wake up call that I needed in order to reevaluate my life and regain the happiness that had slipped through my fingers due to unforeseen circumstances and bad critical decision making.

In the name of helping someone who was in trouble, I had involuntarily given up so much joy that was initially in my life. I had suffered tremendous pain and agony, which in the end brought me nothing but indifference and ungratefulness. A few days ago, I had decided that enough is enough; and that I refuse to suffer much further. There's just no point in it. I ended up being the biggest loser of all. And I was still carrying the burden left by other people's bad behavior! So, no more of that, I resolved. 2012 only affirmed and confirmed my resolution.

After the movie ended, I dared myself to entertain my own mortality. If I had to choose who I would sacrifice my life for, the answer is very simple. My children. Jazelia and Jelissa. Yes. I would put my life on the line just so that they can live on. Although this is quite normal for most mothers who would do anything for the well-being of their offsprings, I can't really know for sure if the reverse is a remote possibility.

Regardless, what I know for sure is that for almost three years, I had suffered for someone who, in the end, cares for everything and everyone except me. No amount of apologies or gratitude can make up for what I had experienced. I swear that will be the last time I ever put my life on the line for anyone apart from my children. Now, as I walk on in my journey of life, I promise never to return to that 'hell' on earth. No more. I've learnt my lesson well.

"A mother's love for her child is like nothing else in the world. It knows no law, no pity. It dares all things and crushes down remorselessly all that stands in its path."
— Agatha Christie

A Letter To 15 Year Old Me.

2010-10-24T20:52:00.002+08:00

Dear Ana,

I would like to share some wisdom with you, things that I have learnt in the past 30 years. I wish I can go back in time and done certain things differently. There are some regrets and mistakes, without which I would not have learnt what I am about to share with you.

Forgive those who made and broke promises with you. Their ill-chosen behavior is in no way reflective of your true value and worth. Idealistic as you may be with regards to those you love, they are nothing but flawed human beings. To expect more of them would only invite disappointment and pain. I am not asking you to refrain from trusting anyone. I merely ask that you see them as who they are and not how you want them to be.

Puan Aminah, your Primary 4 teacher was wrong to call you 'Stupid.' You are intelligent and bright minded. You will go far in life and education. She mistook your playfulness and forgetfulness as stupidity. Apparently, she had a limited English vocabulary. Yes, she may have been your teacher. But teachers do not know everything. No one does. Even experts are only knowledgable in their own field of expertise.

Sit up straight and avoid slouching. Its not only bad for your posture but also your overall appearance. Be brave to speak your mind and embrace stepping out of your comfort zone. Mistakes are the best way to learn well.

Many of your friends will come and go, but some will be around for a major part of your future. Stay good at keeping secrets others have shared with you in strict confidence. As interesting as your internal dialogues are in your head, once in a while do step out of it and listen to others with curiosity and unconditional acceptance. All this will prove to be positive habits that will assist you in your future career.

Be more worldly and less naive. Not everyone will love you the way you love them. Each has different definitions for common words. Many say something but mean something else. Guard yourself from feeling upset or let down by this. Make integrity and self-honesty as non-negotiable values of your life.

Learn to be more flexible of others. Just because you think you know the best way for doing something does not make it right and suitable for others. Its alright to have differences. Embrace the diversity of wisdom and points of view. Two heads are better than one. The more the merrier. However, do your level best not to be easily influenced by the opinion of others. Be courageous in forming your own. There are people who will be interested to know how you think. Because your opinion matters.

Leave past traumas behind. Your past does not define who you are, no matter how much subconscious influence they may have on your current behavior. You can choose better when your head and heart are clearer. Take your time to sort them out. Its easy to confuse your emotions with your thoughts.

You will lose people you love through life and death. There will be times when you will have to force yourself to walk away from something that makes you happy and feel beautiful. This will not be easy to do. But sometimes when life makes us do something out of lack of choice, we must learn to understand that is life's way of telling us to move on along. At the end of a rain storm you'll find a rainbow arching above you as the sun shines through the drops of water. Blink your tears away so you will see more clearly. Let go of whatever that burdens your heart. You need to travel light. There is no sense in lugging unnecessary baggage.

Not everyone will love and care for you. Not everyone who cares for you will love you. Not everyone who loves you will care for you. Beware of confusing the two. Caring does not mean love. Sometimes, caring comes alone. Guard your heart against these childish expectations. Your heart will be spared of pain.

You will meet the love of your life. He will possess all the criteria you need in a man, husband and father to your children. He will struggle to help you gain confidence and assurance. He will assist you in fulfilling your truest potential. He is a rare find. He is waiting to find you. And he will. You'll be utterly happy with this man in your life. But you will have to learn to love selflessly too, after all he will do for you.

You will have two beautiful daughters who will make your heart swell with pride. Love them like you've never been loved before. Give them whatever you never got while you were a child. They will be your best investment and asset throughout your life. Look forward to being a good mother to them. You will be their everything until they grow up. Then, you will also have to let them go.

In short, what I am trying to say is this: Live. Love. Let go. These words are easy to remember but hard to do without experiencing some level of pain. Hard. Yes. But not impossible. Just do your best. Your utmost best. Leave no room for regrets. Life may be challenging but its never dull. And in its excitement, you will find your true strengths and flair. You are unique and avant garde. You are as colourful as a peacock. There's no way you can pretend to be simple turkey. Embrace your originality. Make no apology for who you are. People who matter to you will be proud of you. As for others, their opinions are as insignificant as they are.

Remember: Live. Love. Let go. You will be magnificently fine. Trust me. I am.

Lots of love,

45 year old Ana.

Happy 20th Wedding Anniversary, Yang! We Made It!!

2010-10-20T01:26:00.001+08:00

Dear Yang,

Wow! We made through to our 20th wedding anniversary after all! Isn't it amazing how time flies? I feel as though it was just yesterday when you proposed to me in front of Ayah, much to my surprise. The months following that day is a flurry of memories... wedding plans, honeymoon, making our home, having children and seeing them grow up into two beautiful, intelligent and warm hearted young ladies. We must have done something right along the way. Or maybe we were simply lucky to have found each other and clung on to one another through thick and thin, through sick and sin...

I am the first to admit that as much as I tried to be the best wife I could be to you from the word "GO!", I was hardly a flawless one. And despite my complexities and past traumas, you stood by me relentlessly and patiently. My strong, quiet hero. My savior. My pillar of strength.

You enjoyed the things I do best with great fervour each time I did it and you chose to overlook my shortcomings with much loving understanding. I can't begin to imagine how my life would have been without you over the past 20 years. We survived through a helluva lot, didn't we, Yang? We did it.

I knew I could always count on you to be strong when I was weak, be patient when I was tempestuous, be hard-working when I was feeling lazy. And the most amazing thing of all is your loving and quiet support in being there to hold me each time I was in pain. You are still doing that, even now.

My trust in your judgment and decision making hardly wavered, as you lead our family with full confidence and resolution. Your belief in my capabilities and intelligence gave me the inner strength to work my way out of the darkness of my fears. You saw my truest potential and you supported me unfailingly until I reached the top of my Everest. For that, I am forever grateful and indebted to you. You gave me room to grow and space to spread my wings. You gave me the freedom and blessings to be who I am without any explanation or apology. I am who I am today because of you and your love.

You have given me 20 years of happiness, love and joy which I treasure whole-heartedly. And in return, I hope to have done the same for you. You taught me to love selflessly and I hope I've grown confident enough to let you spread your wings and fly to whatever that gives you joy and happiness. I realize my own weakness and know that there is more to life than what I can ever offer you. My only hope is that I have made you equally happy, as a wife to you and mother to our daughters.

We have always been best of friends and enjoy each other's company. We can always talk about anything and everything under the sun. And despite the difference in our preferences and interests, we have never allowed anything or anyone to come between us. No matter how far we ventured out into the world, we always made sure we came home to each other.

I don't know what lies ahead of us. However, I am confident that we will make sure we will continue to have what we have, regardless. Life and circumstances may change us but I truly believe we will always be us. The us we know.

Thank you for being there for me when even I couldn't stand to be there for myself. Thank you for believing in me when I couldn't even see right. Thank you for loyally being in my corner and covering my back even when everyone else had walked out the door. Thank you for holding me each time I got frail and weak from all those attacks I suffered. Thank you for giving me the opportunity to be the best wife I could be to you. Thank you for defending me when I was facing my adversaries. Thank you for being such a gentle and giving lover. Thank you for your loyalty and honesty. You are definitely Allah's blessing upon me and I am eternally grateful for this gift every day.

I love you, Yang. I love you in ways I can't explain. I love you for reasons beyond description of words. I know for sure that I will continue to love you for always. Only Allah can repay you for everything you have done for me. I pray that He will. I know that He will.

Loving you consistently,

Your wife - Ana

“Happiness in marriage is not something that just happens. A good marriage must be created. In the Art of Marriage, the little things are the big things. It is never being too old to hold hands. It is remembering to say ‘I love you’ at least once a day. It is never going to sleep angry.

It is at no time taking the other for granted; the courtship should not end with the honeymoon; it should continue through all the years. It is having a mutual sense of values and common objectives. It is standing together facing the world. It is forming a circle of love that gathers in the whole family.
It is doing things for each other, not in the attitude of duty or sacrifice, but in the spirit of joy. It is speaking words of appreciation and demonstrating gratitude in thoughtful ways. It is not expecting the husband to wear a halo or the wife to have the wings of an angel.

It is not looking for perfection in each other. It is cultivating flexibility, patience, understanding and a sense of humor. It is having the capacity to forgive and forget. It is giving each other an atmosphere in which each can grow. It is finding rooms for things of the spirit. It is a common search for the good and the beautiful.
It is establishing a relationship in which the independence is equal, dependence is mutual and obligation is reciprocal. It is not only marrying the right partner, it is being the right partner.”

— Paul Newman’s letter to his wife on their wedding

And the Pain Continues...

2010-10-13T04:04:00.003+08:00

Since Saturday night, I've been on a slippery slope down to hell. Something is wrong but I can't seem to put a finger on it. All the symptoms are back. All the pains have returned with a vengeance. I don't know how much longer I can hold on.

I've done all I could to heal. I have taken all steps to stay clear of danger zones. I've walked away from all possible hurt. But no matter what I've done, the pains keep coming back again and again. And this time, I am all alone in facing my attackers. No allies anymore. No defense. No protection. Nothing.

Maybe its best just to let it all end me for good this time. Then all the troubles in the world will be solved and everyone will be happier without me. I know now I've never been truly significant to anyone. My absence won't be felt.

I truly don't know why I have to keep on suffering for something that I am no longer a part of. My body is battle worn. My soul is tattered and in pieces. The rest of me died a few days ago. Nothing left. Nothing left.

No one will ever know the answers to all questions that begin with "Why?" Not even me. So, I'll just accept my lot and pray that when I am no longer a part of this world, I will be safe from harm in the hereafter.

May Allah be gentle on my sinful soul.

A Journey of Broken Promises.

2010-10-12T06:37:00.004+08:00

The past few weeks have proven to be most emotionally challenging to my whole entire being. Apart from the utter stress of moving houses and juggling work demands, I also had to deal with many upsetting events that interlaced my already anxiety filled days and nights.

Do people realize why out of all creatures of God, man is the only one blessed with the ability of speech and expression? And with that, God also gave free will. That means nothing is impossible in the eyes of God. After all, man that was not design at birth to fly has walked on the moon! Why then, do man put so little or no value to the words they utter? Why do they make promises and then go on to break them? Have they ever stopped for a second to consider the direct consequences of their choice of actions on others?

The first meaningful promise that was made and then broken to me was when I was 13. That changed my life forever. From then on, I've set out to find someone who would be honorable enough to keep the promises they make. Little did I know that this journey was going to be one of the most painfully heartbreaking experiences I would ever encounter.

First and foremost, after the first broken promise, I learnt quickly never to believe it until it is fulfilled. This is why honesty, loyalty, integrity and strength of personality comes to be among the important traits I look for in someone I could deem as trustworthy.

I admit that words are important to me. Because this is all that anyone can truly give to another without much cost except to have the integrity to add some meaning and value to the spoken words. But some say that action speaks louder than words. True! But when there is absence of presence of the person in question, how else is communication to be possible if not through words.

Due to my bad experience of having had so many promises made and broken in my life, I have learnt to never coerce anyone into making promises they can't keep. Which brings me to the anger that I am feeling currently, impelling me to write this blog entry.

I never asked you to make those promises you made willingly. And when my skepticism showed on my face, you coaxed me to believe your words and trust you. Afraid as I was to believe, due to my trust in you, I braved myself to take your words as God honest truth and hung on to them with my eyes closed with fear in my heart.

How conveniently you rescind your words and go back on your promises in less than a year! And for you to claim that madness surrounding our circumstances as the basis of you making those promises only proved a crueler blow below the belt! So, since all those words were uttered in moments of madness, it nullifies everything that was promised?! What do I do with myself and betrayed trust and belief in you?

Contrary to your belief, I am not using that one instance of "accidental" encounter as a reason for my final decision to cut ties and move on. If your memory has not failed you, there was an earlier incident involving you wanting to take a certain friend to our last place of healing while indignantly withholding the identity of your so called friend. I believe this is the reason why I am still angry even after delivering a long tirade of anger filled speech to you during my final call to you. You NEVER apologized for that uncalled for lashing out you conveniently flung at me.

I promised you that I would help you as best I can and went as far as almost dying for you. And what I got in return are secrets, lies, broken promises and dishonesty. You know very well how important honesty and trust are for me. Obviously, it meant nothing to you.

I can't go on letting you use me as a punching bag each time its convenient for you while you treat others with much respect and adoration. I suffered plenty for you and my children almost lost me many times. Can you imagine the trauma they will never be able to forget for the rest of their lives? Have you ever stopped to consider the direct consequences of your choice of actions on others?

And throughout all this, your main concern what how badly I may have painted you as the villain in this scenario. You care so much about what others think of you and you're surprised they see you in a bad light after the many seriously bad choices of actions you've committed?

I am not discounting the fact that you have done a lot of good for others and have even gone out of your way to be of help to those in need, myself and my family included. But the point here is this: One good deed does not erase one bad deed! This is not maths! This is human relations!

Just in case you chose NOT to hear me say this although I repeatedly said it in my last call to you, here it is one more time: This decision is for me and myself only. You decide for yourself what you want to do with this. If you're truly sorry, then I would suggest you to keep on apologizing until you are forgiven. But if you let go without even trying at all, then all I can decipher from that is you have been waiting for me to make this decision for a long time coming. And so since this has already been done, I am driven to believe that you must be sigh a hugh relief because now you are rid of me for good without even having to pull the trigger.

I did say I am not able to forgive you right now due to the presence of my anger. I would hope that given time, and also the lull of the nights that would be interspersed with nostalgic memories of how things were before, I will come to a day when I no longer feel anything except acceptance that I have lost again. Maybe then, I can forgive you.

You have said I will always be important to you and you will always care for me. I say, prove it! Don't lie. No more secrets. That's non-negotiable. If you can't keep your words, then keep away.

"A promise made is a debt unpaid." ~Robert Service

My Seven Deadly Sins

2010-10-11T00:52:00.001+08:00

Greed:	Very Low
Gluttony:	Very Low
Wrath:	Low
Sloth:	Medium
Envy:	Very Low
Lust:	Low
Pride:	Low

Discover Your Sins - Click Here

The Value of Trust.

2010-10-07T03:05:00.004+08:00

Recently, someone whom I have known for more than 2 decades had hidden something from me and in that process, he lied. Almost immediately, I just could not look into his eyes anymore, for fear of seeing more untruths. I made a mistake. A very grave one. I thought that just because I have known him for so long, that he would not lie to me.

Obviously, this incident had rendered my spirit destroyed. I was upset because not only that he had lied, but also that I can't believe him anymore. In general, I am a trustworthy person. However, I don't trust others easily. A person who succeeds in earning my trust undergoes several tests without them knowing it. In my own personal past, trust only ends with betrayal. A lie is a breach of trust.

I had been feeling very impoverished as far as having trustworthy friends are concerned after the passing of my soul brother, Mad. When he died, I felt I had one less person in whom I can trust my life with. He never lied. He never kept secrets from me. He was always forthright in all communications with me. He was as honest as Honest Abe. So, its only imaginable how inconsolable I was after the latest betrayal.

I admit that I am naive and that is my shortcoming. I believe that honesty is a two way street. You give it, you will receive it in return. Why am I so naive? How stupid of me! I prayed to Allah for someone I can trust and not be afraid of betrayal anymore. And He answered by me receiving a text message from a very old friend that I had been in constant contact over the 33 years span of our friendship. We met up tonight and after dinner, we had a very long chat over coffee and smokes.

We exchanged stories and updates. We laughed at old and new jokes. He told me how he has always kept a tab on my well being through internet social platforms. When the things I write about were depressing, he would worry and pray to make sure I will be okay. And when my writings get hopeful, he would let out a sigh of relief and be happy that I am fine.

But throughout tonight, what was most evident was how rich I felt in his presence. To have someone I trust to talk to. Although we may have known each other since we were 12 years old, I never really had the chance to sit and chat the way we did tonight. What a wonderful revelation to discover that we have so much in common and plenty to talk about. I didn't feel the need to explain myself to him. He was there throughout the traumatic years of my childhood. I asked him if he had bothered to search for me during our times apart. His reply was No. He said, "Why do I need to search for you when I know where you are, who you are and what you are? Anything that's written about you are lies if they are not similar to what I know of you. And I know you very well." We grew up together, didn't we? Thirty three years of friendship is a huge fraction of our age of 45.

I know I could trust him to tell me what I needed to hear. He would tell me things as they are. He told me he knows I struggle with letting things go. He also told me that I must not let this cruel world hurt me continuously. If someone doesn't understand me, he said to say, "I don't give a fuck!" In fact, he recommended I maintain that attitude with any ugly event or people that happens in my life from now on. I will embrace this attitude because I need to love and protect myself from hurt and pain inflicted on me by others.

At the end of the evening, as he drove me home, he told me how glad he was that we had that chance to chat and catch up. Due to our circumstances and work routines, our paths hardly ever crosses. But distance does not matter. Mad taught me that. Every so often, Mad used to call me from Penang just to tell me how grateful he was for our long time friendship. "We've been friends for so long, Ana..." Those were his words that keeps echoing in my head long after he has gone. Precious words that rang true tonight.

Gary, thank you so much for being there for me when I needed someone to trust. You made me feel so rich by your loving friendship and loyalty. I trust you. I trust you because you never had a bad thought or negative opinion of me. Thank you for showing me how much you care. Thank you for the affirmations that I never expected to receive tonight. Thank you for being proud of me. Thank you for having confidence in my capabilities. Thank you for listening. And best of all, thank you for your honesty. I know for sure you've always been honest with me because you know how much that means to me. I'm just grateful I don't have to explain anything to you and you would understand already.

Jazakallahu khair.

"No soul is desolate as long as there is a human being for whom it can feel trust and reverence." - T.S. Eliot

When It Hurts...

2010-10-03T22:29:00.004+08:00

A bandaid only covers the wound but it does not heal the pain. As much as I try to walk away from hurt in my attempt to recover, I keep bumping into things that make me feel the pain again and again. Its hard to heal if this keeps on happening.

Why is it so difficult for people to understand what I need in order to heal? Merely worrying for me does not help make me feel better. It only makes me feel like a stray dog. I don't need pity. I have enough self-pity to last me ten lifetimes. Time does not heal fast enough. Everyone tells me it takes time to heal. But what do I do with myself when I feel the pain? I can't ignore it. I can't walk away from it. Why do they call it a heartbreak when it feels more like my whole entire being is suffering tremendous agony?

Once in a while, when the pain is too overwhelming, I retreat into my cave where I can hide in the darkness and solitude with the hope that I will be able to emerge again feeling nothing but numbness. Slow death. This is what it is.

I need love to heal. I need to know that I am loved. That I am needed. That I am irreplaceable. If that is not possible, then let me go. I will leave and never return. But I know one thing for sure: no matter how far away I can bring myself from the place when I 'fell', I will never be able to forget it. And so, the pain continues no matter what...

If you love me, let me know. If you don't, then let me go...

When You Love Someone

2010-09-12T13:50:00.001+08:00

Lyrics:

Were we ever, did we use it up too fast
Our great moments never meant to last
And the last thing that I want
Is to ever make your smile go away

Keep the memories
Take the best of what we had
I can't stand to watch what once was great go bad
And if I can't be with you, then I'd rather just remember what we knew

When you love someone
And you love them with your heart
And it doesn't disappear if you're apart
When you love someone
And you've done all you can do
Then you set them free
And if that love is true
When you love someone
It will all come back to you

Life I wonder
Was it too much that we gave
If we give in more could we have both been saved
All I guess we've crossed the line
Never knowing what was yours and what was mine

And through it all
I still have no regret
Just promise me
You never will forget

Borderline Personality Disorder

2010-09-05T04:07:00.000+08:00

Hey you! I know you read my personal blogs for your so-called 'intuitions', so EAT THIS!!

** This blog entry is not aimed at my sincere followers but to one psychotic woman who is spying on me and is a danger to those around her who don't know the extent of her psychosis.

Make Someone Happy

2010-09-04T21:24:00.007+08:00

After I finished drooling over Michael Buble singing "Haven't Met You Yet" on Oprah's Moments on Hallmark Channel, Barbara Streisand appeared next singing "Make Someone Happy" and somehow that song and her rendition moved me by surprise. You'd have to watch her sing this song to get an idea of how I felt. Go ahead. Click PLAY.

Make someone happy,
Make just one someone happy.
Make just one heart the heart you sing to.
One smile that cheers you,
One face that lights when it nears you.
One gal you're everything to.

Fame, if you win it,
Comes and goes in a minute.
Where's the real stuff in life to cling to?
Love is the answer,
Someone to love is the answer.

Once you've found her,
Build your world around her.
Make someone happy.
Make just one someone happy
And you will be happy too

This song made me ponder on something that never took centre stage of my mind. As I blinked away the tears that had welled up in my eyes, my daughter asked me, "Mama! Are you crying?" It took a while for me to compose the words for my response. I told her how this song had moved me. So, here's my train of thought:

Out of the so many things we have done together with those whom we claim to love, how many were done purely to make the ones we love happy? Or did we do those things because it made us happy doing them? Is there a difference between the two? Of course! The difference is in our intention. Do we love someone because of our own personal reasons and selfish gains? Have we ever stopped to think if our so called acts of love are intended to make ourselves feel good and loved; or purely done out of sincerity to make the love of our lives happy and as an expression of the love we feel for them? Have we mastered the art of selfless love? Where you love unconditionally and not expect anything in return?

It took me this song to realize where and when I had done things for selfish reasons and when my acts and deeds have been purely out of unconditional love. I may have started out my journey in life and love selfishly, just as any other Jane and Joe. But I began to mature, not just in age but also emotionally, mentally and psychologically, I realize that there's more to love than just merely saying "I love you." Sacrifice comes to mind, when you have to do the hardest thing you've ever had to do just to put meaning to the emotion you profess you feel.

When Allah blessed me with my two precious gems, Jazelia and Jelissa, He taught me courage. The courage to take risks. The courage to trust. The courage to let go when the time is right. And the wisdom to know when to take a risk, to trust and to let go. Mainly, He taught me to love selflessly. And in doing so, I believe I have brought up my two beautiful girls as independent, intelligent, brave, thoughtful and sincere young women. And pretty soon, I will have to take the next brave thing: to let go.

I feel blessed to have had almost 22 years of happiness with my soul mate. As the finishing line appears in our horizon, we've realized that the dissimilarities between us can no longer be ignored. He's a wanderlust. I'm a homebody. He needs to keep on running. I just want to grow deep roots that may reach the core of earth. Painful as this fact is for both of us, we love each other too much to want to fashion each other to be like ourselves. So, we let go the desire to hang on to our ideals of how things should be and just accept each other as we are. That is acceptance. That is unconditional positive regard. That is respect. That is unconditional love. We refuse to allow resentment and disappointment to mar the many golden happy moments we've shared. Nothing can ever change the past. And we can choose to carry our memories into our future and smile at the sunset.

What have I done in the name of selfless love? I had chosen to say "Goodbye" when what I truly wanted to say was 'Please don't leave me." I have said, "You are free to go" when my heart is crying out "Please stay." I have made moves to keep away from people I truly care for because that is the best solution for them, when my deepest desire is to have a sense of belonging. I have moved on when all I truly have been searching for is a home. I have cried tears in the privacy of my solitude just so the significant people in my life can truly laugh from the bottom of their hearts.

I have done the above, and many more no less worth mentioning. I have loved. I still love. And I will continue to love. My only question is: Have I loved selflessly enough? I truly hope so. Pleasure over pain. All in the name of love and loving. Nothing is too much in making someone I love happy. "Make just one someone happy, And you will be happy too." I hope I can see that moment when it comes for me, through the tears of sacrifice.

First Warning. You know who you are...

2010-08-29T01:40:00.002+08:00

English Translation:

Or do ye think that ye shall enter the Garden (of bliss) without such (trials) as came to those who passed away before you? they encountered suffering and adversity, and were so shaken in spirit that even the Messenger and those of faith who were with him cried: "When (will come) the help of Allah." Ah! Verily, the help of Allah is (always) near!

English Translation:

Fighting is prescribed for you, and ye dislike it. But it is possible that ye dislike a thing which is good for you, and that ye love a thing which is bad for you. But Allah knoweth, and ye know not.

And So It Goes...

2010-08-18T05:43:00.004+08:00

This is the hardest blog entry I'm composing. Tears are streaming down my face and I can barely see what's in front of me. I am so sad. My heart is broken. Today I said goodbye to someone whom I've held very dear to my heart. My best friend.

My head tells me that I have to move forward. But it will take time until my heart to heal. I am beside myself. I don't know what to do , where to go, how to handle this. I'm grieving. I mourn the happy moments that are no longer repeatable. I mourn the talks we've had over the past few years.

My soul-brother Mad, I miss you terribly right now. I really believed he was your prayers answered. Someone to take your place. Someone to take care of me. Someone to listen when no one else will. Evidently, he has found me too much to handle. I'm too problematic. Too complicated. Too challenging.

I feel a deep sense of loss from this experience, Mad. I don't dare to trust my heart to anyone anymore. He was the last person I expected to abandon me. When he assured me that nothing else matters, I believed him. When he asked me to trust him, I did wholeheartedly. And now look at me! I am as broken as all the promises he made. How do I put myself back together again? How do I go on? I feel so terribly alone, Mad. If only you were still alive. If only you were just a phone call away.

Ya Allah! Betapa beratnya ujian ini ke atas diriku. Ampunkan dosa-dosaku, Ya Allah; seandainya ini adalah balasan terhadap keengkaran ku. Aku malu, Ya Allah. Aku malu padaMu. Aku ingin ke pangkal jalan tetapi meraba-raba dalam kegelapan. Bantulah aku, wahai Tuhan Yang Maha Pengasih. Kasihanilah aku, wahai Tuhan Yang Maha Penyayang. Di manakan ku cari pengganti penyampai kasihMu untuk ku?

Kini ku serahkan hatiku padaMu. Sembuhkanlah aku dari kesedihan yang sedang aku alami kini. Seandainya ini adalah ujian bagiku, berikanlah bantuan kepadaku supaya aku sentiasa mengingatiMu, mensyukuriMu, mematuhiMu, mentaatiMu dan memperbaiki ibadahku terhadapMu. Sesungguhnya Kau Tuhan Yang Maha Pengampun dan Maha Mengetahui.

I'm lost. I dont know where to go. I can't look any further than where I am right now. I am broken. I am broken beyond repair. I've lost my self-esteem, my dignity, self respect. I've lost me. I don't think I'll ever be found again.

Maybe I'll remain unfound forever. There's no more hope left for me.

For What its Worth...

2010-08-17T01:19:00.004+08:00

“Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn’t it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life…You give them a piece of you. They didn’t ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn’t your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like ‘maybe we should be just friends’ turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It’s a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.”
— Neil Gaiman quotes

“There comes a time when you have to stand up and shout:
This is me damn it! I look the way I look, think the way I think, feel the way I feel, love the way I love! I am a whole complex package. Take me… or leave me. Accept me - or walk away! Do not try to make me feel like less of a person, just because I don’t fit your idea of who I should be and don’t try to change me to fit your mold. If I need to change, I alone will make that decision.
When you are strong enough to love yourself 100%, good and bad - you will be amazed at the opportunities that life presents you.”
— Stacey Charter quotes

"The reason why I hide my pain from others is not to ruin their days. It is not that I care for my own, it’s just, I hate to see a happy environment turn blue because of me. And who knows, the pain may go away when you’re surrounded by happy people in a happy environment.”
— Mind of lifeandreality (via lifeandreality)

When Everything is not Enough.

2010-08-15T17:48:00.004+08:00

I question the motives behind TV stations screening local drama series with the predominant themes being around black magic and evil deeds. What in the world are they trying to achieve? Are they trying to breed a generation of people who would resort to voodoos and spells just to overcome challenges in life? Do they realize the contents and theme of such programs would actually give more ideas to those who already are inclined to such activities? Can't they see the possibilities are endless when it comes to those who are initially ignorant of these knowledge? That they may indeed begin to dabble in diabolical plots just to attain some false sense of security and victory over their so called adversaries?

Funny how these activities are mostly rampant among certain races only. While others would show more courage, these cowards hide in shadows and commission others to do their dirty job; pinning and poking, needles and spells galore! There are many skeptics who refuse to acknowledge the existence or effectiveness of such evil spells. But these things do exist no matter how much we choose to disbelieve them. How do I know this for sure? Because I've been on the receiving end for more than 2 decades.

I've remained quiet all these years and suffered in silence for fear of appearing freakishly crazy. But of late, hanging on to my last thread of hope and faith in order to stay sane is beginning to take its toll on me. HOW MUCH MORE IS EXPECTED OF ME JUST TO PROVE I AM FIGHTING? HOW MUCH MORE DO I HAVE TO TAKE? WHEN WILL IT BE ENOUGH?

How many unborn babies do I have to lose? How many times do I have to move? How many more scars and wounds do I have to bear on my body? How many times do I have to keep on changing my phone number? How much more do my family and I have to suffer just to prove we are not cowards? Is it so hard to understand why I can't give in an inch more because I have none left?

I am writing this entry with two intentions. I want those who are experiencing whatever I have gone through to just keep on fighting till the end. Never say die! Fight on with tooth and nail, if need be. But NEVER GIVE UP!

My final message is to those with hands soiled with black magic; to those who have inflicted pain on me and mine. HEY SCUM BAGS! I'M STILL HERE. STILL ALIVE. AND YOU'D BETTER BE VERY AFRAID. BECAUSE I'VE TOLD ALLAH ABOUT YOU AND HE KNOWS EVERYTHING YOU'VE DONE. YOU WON'T GET AWAY WITH IT FOR MUCH LONGER. I've suffered this long because I had mercy in my heart. NEWS FLASH: I'VE RUN OUT OF MERCY. SO, WATCH OUT!

"Heaven has no rage like love to hatred turned / Nor hell a fury like a woman scorned." - William Shakespeare

"Do not try to run away from trials and tribulations, but endure them with patience. They cannot be avoided, and there is nothing for it but to endure them with patience. How can you expect the whole of this world, and all that has been created therein, to undergo change and transformation just to suit your convenience? The Prophets are the best of all creatures, yet they have always had to suffer afflictions and so it is for their followers, those who tread in their footsteps as they walk along their highway, emulating their example." - Shaikh Abdul Qadir al-Jilani

Still Breathing...

2010-07-20T04:43:00.003+08:00

Its almost 5 a.m. and my mind is running amok with trillions of thoughts crisscrossing all at once. Well, this comes as no surprise, considering my last entry: to focus more on my thoughts rather than my emotions. I guess this is the residual consequence of that bright idea.

I miss being in Penang. The solitude and tranquility of mind that island gives to me each time I cross that bridge and smell the sea breeze. Somehow, the atmosphere there encourages me to just relax and let go of things that are beyond my control. To just focus on and enjoy the here and now. Whilst everyone here is snoring away in the mindless slumber, I'm besieged by anxieties again. Each time this happens, I know that the fastest and easiest remedy is to blog. As a promise to myself, I shall begin each statement with a thought.

I think I am losing my battle in maintaining the will power to break a habit that no longer makes me happy.
I think I am ready to let go of things and people who no longer make me a priority in their lives.
I think about all the blessings Allah has bestowed upon me throughout my living years and am forever grateful for all the positives and negatives of me and my life.
I think I have evolved into someone I have yet to get acquainted with.
I think this condo needs a good spring cleaning but I'm just too fed up to even bother.
I think Medjai the kitten is a prime example that animals are more capable of giving unconditional love and acceptance than any man can ever give, even at his best.
I think about the future of my daughters and need to work harder at making sure they have better choices than I ever had in my own life.
I think that loneliness is the main cause for unhappiness and depression.
I think my anxieties stem from my need to keep the peace and hold my tongue when the urge to speak my mind chokes my throat.

I know that nothing stays the same, myself included. I have been trying hard to adjust the new me to my surroundings and this has proven to be most strenuous of all. I believe that respect is more than just doffing your hat, saluting a higher ranking officer or honoring the elders. Respect is not about being polite. Respect is about accepting and respecting others in all sense of the word. Respect is about not exerting your believes and principles on others. Respect is about accepting the differences that distinguishes one person from the other even when the understanding of it still eludes you.

I believe I am coping as best I can with the situation I've been given. I believe in fighting for what is right and true for myself without compromising the values others hold worthy to maintain. I understand that I can't have my way all the time. I understand that my problems and challenges are colossal in size only because they are mine and not someone else's. Therefore, I believe I need to keep on breathing and let go of things beyond my control. I believe Allah knows what He's doing and isn't cruel. I have faith that He is allowing things to happen for reasons beyond my comprehension. I believe He will grant me the strength, wisdom and will power to overcome my challenges when I am good and ready, and not any sooner than that.

So, for now, I need to prepare myself to be ready when the opportunity arises for me to triumph over my obstacles.

Al-Quran Surah 94: Ayat 1-8.
In the name of Allah Most Loving, Most Merciful.
(Muhammad), have We not comforted your heart, relieved you of the burden which had been a heavy weight upon your back and granted you an exalted reputation? After every difficulty there is relief. Certainly, after every difficulty there comes relief. When you are free from (your obligations), strive hard (to worship God) and be devoted to your Lord's service.

Pushing the Pause Button.

2010-07-14T01:31:00.003+08:00

Earlier today, someone told me how she believed me to be a confident woman from a blog entry I made about a year ago on the premature passing of the King of Pop. Her statement tweaked my curiosity to revisit that entry and reread it. I failed to see how she managed to come to her conclusion regarding my level of confidence.

As I browsed the various entries made last year, I came across the one and only entry I made in the month of July entitled "Pausing for Benjamin Button." I must admit Brad Pitt's gorgeous face adorning the cover of that DVD was as pleasant as a huge cup of frozen yogurt topped with chocolate syrup and multi-colored sprinkles! My eyes began to wonder off to my writings beneath it. At the end of reading it, I let out a huge sigh. My heart felt an unexplainable ache.

I feel tears prickling through, welling up and brimming over my eyes as I type this line. Why am I feeling so sad? Is it because of the memory of what I was going through back then? Or is it because I feel that I am stuck in the same place even after a year has passed? I have failed to let go of things that brought me pain. I have failed to let go of things that are no longer holding me back. Why is this so? Why am I holding on to pain and misery? Why can't I just walk away from all this heartache and venture out into the world that promises a more fulfilling prospect for happiness and stability?

A few weeks ago, my facebook status update said: Old habits are hard to break. I wasn't just referring to behavioral habits but more of the emotional kind. No matter how intelligent a person may be in knowing what is good and healthy for them, the heart will feel what it does for as long as it will. And when its gone, its gone. But meanwhile, what options have I got to survive this bad emotional habit of mine? Having expectations of others who have a fantastic history of disappointing you. Hoping to get some attention from people who are too in love with themselves. The need to save and rescue someone who seem to enjoy being in the doldrums they are in. What kind of emotional disorder is this? An obsession is mostly associated with the mind. The heart knows no obsession. It just knows emotions. I know I need to let go. But I don't know how.

Someone once said that it takes a special person to help you forget someone special. I hope that someone is right. Because I can't continue like this without ending up with a broken heart. So for the time being, the best I can do is to push the PAUSE button. Take a break from feeling. Just stick to thinking. Keep everything on a cognitive level. That way, I will be able to stay sane and not go crazy when my heart gets broken yet again. In the meantime, I pray for some kind words to soothe my agonizing soul.

Believe it? Or not?: July Predictions for Dragons.

2010-07-03T13:53:00.003+08:00

No matter what happens to Dragons, they can usually handle it. You were born with a superior emergency gene. Houses catch fire and you leap to extinguish the flames. A child wanders in front of a car, you race out and grab the kid away from harm. You are also lucky. Most everything that goes wrong eventually gets put to rights.

Your weakness? Sentimentality. You cry at the drop of a petal from a rose. This July you will be pitched into a pit of feeling more intense than you have experienced in a long long time. Last month you fell in love. We weren't certain it would last. Your attachment to this person was intense. You felt all over good. But that great feeling also made you feel vulnerable and Dragons hate to feel vulnerable.

Around July 17th, for some unknown reason, the person in question will begin acting strangely aloof. You are not sure why and can't really pinpoint when the odd behavior began. You fear that if you bring it up to him or her they may bolt or voice recriminations regarding something you did. My hunch? The person you fell for is already spoken for. When you met they might have been going through a separation or a brief estrangement from their mate. But now they find themselves caught between the two of you. My advice? Take your distance.

Make clear you will wait a certain length of time for them to come back. If in a month, they have not made up their mind, then you will consider them lost to you. This will be difficult. Dragons hate defeat. But if they are to leave you, better it be done with dignity and managed by yourself.

Money becomes an issue for you after the 20th of July. You may suddenly be confronted with a bill or your car or fridge, TV or computer will give up the ghost and you will want to get a new one. If you are wise, you won't go buying something new on credit. Either get the damn thing fixed or go without till you have the money to buy new.

Children are somehow involved in your month of July, they might be your own kids. But I have a suspicion they are someone else's. Perhaps you are teaching them a skill or taking someone's kids for the weekend. Enjoy!

- by Suzanne White

The Truth About Cats and Dogs

2010-06-29T01:41:00.003+08:00

I was blitzing away on Facebook while listening to the TV. A rerun of Sex And The City was on. I couldn't help giggling at some of the things that were said by Carrie Bradshaw character. Once in a while, some pearls of wisdom plops out of her mouth and I find myself thinking about it from my perspective, considering my current circumstances. Which led me to this thought:

"When People Show You Who They Are, Believe Them!"

The painful lesson I had to learn at a ripe old age of 45 is very hard to swallow. I see myself as a person who prefers to see the good in people rather than have a negative pre-conceived idea of who they are. Even when they have failed or disappointed me countless times, I still find myself being hopeful that one day they will change for the better on their own. Because Oprah said, "When you know better, you will do better." But then again, Dr. Phil said, "We teach people how to treat us. They will keep on doing something for as long as it works. When it doesn't work anymore, then only they will adapt to find another way to get things to go the way they want it to." This means, truly, that people don't really change. The core of who they are never changes. The changes you see is merely their attempts at adapting to new stimuli and circumstances.

It saddens me to be proven wrong in my unconditional positive regard when it comes to people who matter in my life. I mean, how many times do I have to communicate to them my emotional boundaries? How many times do I have to keep explaining myself why certain things are non-negotiable and no amount of quid pro quo will make me accept their misconduct or misbehavior?

Another famous saying is Action Speaks Louder Than Words. Ok. Fine. Then, show me your actions. Act accordingly. But in their absence, how am I to get any form of affirmations if not through words? And then, things just crescendo to the peak of where they just contradict themselves silly!

This leaves me feeling untrusting and bitter. And I hate this. Because I am not like this by nature. But maybe it is my fault after all. Because they DID show me their true selves but I stubbornly believed that they will progress and evolve into better beings.

Watching Sex And The City tonight made me realize that the reason why women understand themselves better is because we actively involve ourselves in discussions about us and everything pertaining to our gender: challenges, time management, job and role juggling, hormones, friendship, fashion, love and matters of the heart. Who benefits from shows like SATC? Men. They watch a few episodes of this series and its enough for them to understand the psyche of the female gender, as complex and complicated as we may seem. But what about them? How do we understand the mental works of the male gender? By observation? By trial and error? By sharing experiences with fellow girlfriends? By experimenting? By putting them to the test? Because at the end of the day, all women want from their men is reliability, stability and security, in all sense of the word. Or maybe women ought to list their needs in bullet point format. Even that won't guarantee they are able to put aside their macho egos and follow simple instructions... Go figure!

Anyway, just for fun (or lack of it), you may humor yourself by reading the below:

The Differences Between Men and Women by Thomas Bätzler.

Have a good laugh! Salute to the rest of our week. And may God save us all... Sigh...!

Tried and Tested.

2010-06-15T04:01:00.003+08:00

When the servant (of the Lord) is tested with a trial, his first impulse is to cope with it in and by himself. If his own efforts get him nowhere he looks for help from other human beings, such as people in power, important officials, men of influence and means, or medical experts where diseases and physical ailments are involved. If he still obtains no relief, he then resorts to his Lord through prayers of supplication, humble entreaty and offering of praise.

As long as he finds it possible to manage on his own, he will not turn to other people, and while human help is available he will not turn to the Creator.

(Having finally applied to Him), only to find no help forthcoming from the Creator, he throws himself down in His presence, incessantly begging, pleading, entreating, offering praise and submitting his needs in fear and hope. But the Creator (Almighty and Glorious is He) now renders him incapable of supplication, and ignores him until he has reached the end of his tether. Only then does he experience the effect of the Lord's decree and the action of His work, and so this servant passes beyond material needs and behavior, to survive as spirit alone.

Since he now sees nothing but the Truth (al-Haqq) in action, he becomes, of necessity, a totally convinced believer in the divine Unity (muwahhid), affirming that in reality there is no agent but Allah, no dynamic or static force apart from Allah, and no good or evil, no loss or gain, no giving or withholding, no opening or closing, no death or life, no honor or disgrace except in the hand of Allah. His status comes to resemble that of a suckling babe in its nurse's arms, of a corpse in the hands of a washer of the dead, or of a ball on the receiving end of a polo-player's mallet - rolled and spun and knocked around, though inert in itself and imparting no motion to other bodies.

Gone forth from his own self, out into his Master's work, he now sees nothing but that Master and His work, and neither hears nor comprehends from any other source. If he perceives at all, if he does hear and learn, His speech is what he listens to, and His knowledge is what he comes to know. His favor he enjoys, through His nearness he prospers, through His proximity he is graced and honored, by His promise he is pleased and reassured. With Him he feels at peace, and in His discourse he takes delight, while from all others he recoils and shrinks away. In remembrance of Him he finds refuge and support. In Him, the Almighty and Glorious, he puts his faith and in Him he places his trust. By the light of His awareness he is guided, as wraps and clothes himself therein. Strange marvels of His science he discovers, and of the secrets of His power he is apprised. To Him he listens and from Him he learns, then for all this he offers praise, gives thanks, and turns to prayer.

Source: Revelations of the Unseen by Shaikh 'Abd Al-Qadir Al-Jilani.

The Masks and Masquerades.

2010-06-13T01:47:00.003+08:00

God works in mysterious ways. Things may look good outwardly, but there may be evil contained inside. Let no one be deluded by pride that he himself has conceived good ideas or done good deeds. If everything were as it seemed, the Prophet would not have cried out with such illuminated and illuminating perspicacity, "Show me things as they are! You make things appear beautiful when in reality they are ugly; You make things appear ugly when in reality they are beautiful. Show us therefore each thing as it is lest we fall into a snare and be ever errant." Now you judgment, however good and clear it may be, is not better than his, and he spoke as he did. Don't relay on your every thought and opinion, but humble yourself before God and fear Him.

********************************************************************************

Anyone who is loved is beautiful. The reverse, however is not necessarily true. It does not follow that all beauties are loved. Beauty is part of being loved: being loved is primary, so when that quality is present, beauty follows necessarily. A part of a thing cannot be separated from the whole. The part must pertain to the whole. During Majnun's time there were girls much more beautiful than Layla, but they were not loved by him. When told, "There are girls more beautiful than Layla. Let us show them to you," he would always reply, "I do not love Layla for her external form. She is of external form; she is like a goblet which I hold and from I drink wine. I am in love with the wine I drink therefrom. You see only the goblet and are not aware of the wine. Or what use would a golden goblet be to me if it were filled with vinegar or something other than wine? For me a broken old gourd filled with wine would be better than a hundred such goblets." One needs love and yearning to distinguish the wine from the cup.

-Taken from Signs of the Unseen: Discourses of Jalaluddin Rumi

Gratitude: Simple Abundance.

2010-05-24T02:02:00.003+08:00

As I type this opening line, I let out a huge sigh of relief laced with gratitude for surviving the tremendous ordeal I had been through over the past few years. I no longer suffer pain of any sort. I no longer have anxiety or depression which I had endured for many months prior to this blessing from Allah. I am now able to perform my prayers again without any hindrance. It is indeed a blessed privilege to be able to pray. Very few people understand the depth of my thankfulness for this.

I can feel the change in me. I am still me but no longer the same. I have been restored to who I was before, and more. I don't know how to articulate this feeling I have in words. I have been healed. I have been touched by Him and feel truly humbled by His love. I have changed. I have evolved. I have moved on. I shall live the remaining days of my life in happiness and gratitude.

To those who were there by my side during my darkest hours, I pray for Allah to bless you with the same amount of kindness and patience you have shown me. To those who had a part in being the cause of my sorrow and agony, I wish you happiness and contentment. May you find someone else to be made a the center of your universe. I feel no pity for you. My heart is no longer capable to feel anything but hatred for your behavior and actions. You will destroy yourselves by your own poison.

Dear Allah All Mighty and Most Loving, thank you for putting me through that ordeal in order for me to restore my faith. I would never wish away even a single iota of pain that had been allowed to befall me for I am so happy and contented to be where I am today. You have allowed me to hit rock bottom with such impact that has rocketed me to the height of bliss I am feeling now. I see clearly now the true colours of your creatures and the Truth of You. Alhamdulillah. Allahu Akbar.

In the end, I return to You.

Revelation of Night 1

2010-05-03T00:40:00.003+08:00

Have you not heard the words of the Prophet (Allah bless him and give him peace) as they have come down to us in the tradition: "There will be groups of people who will surely be wishing, on the Day of Resurrection, that their flesh might be cut away with scissors, in view of the reward they see given to those who have borne misfortune."

Your neighbour will therefore come to wish he had been in your place in this world, in view of the lengthy reckoning and interrogation he must undergo, and his having to stand in the heat of the sun for fifty thousand years at the Resurrection, on account of the comfort he enjoyed in this world, while you are at a distance from all this, in the shade of the Throne, eating and drinking, enjoying yourself, cheerful, happy and relaxed, on account of your patient endurance of worldly hardships, constraints, troubles, suffering and poverty, your contentment and readiness to comply with your Lord (Almighty and Glorious is He) when His plan and decision meant poverty for you and affluence for others, sickness for you and good health for others, hardship for you and ease for others, humiliation for you and honor for others. May Allah include us, and you, among those who bear misfortune with patience, who give thanks for blessings, and who entrust their affairs to the Lord of heaven!

- from Thirty-seventh Discourse, Revelations of The Unseen by Shaikh 'Abd Al-Qadir Al-Jilani.

Two Weeks

2010-04-28T02:29:00.004+08:00

Two weeks. Thats how long it has been since my last entry. Reading it made me smile as I reminisce the happy moments during my spiritual retreat. Rare moments when I was pain free, felt secure and calm. I'm also thinking of someone very close to my heart who is currently performing her Umrah and how I wish I could go along with her. To experience that peace of mind that can only be attained there in Mekkah. Sigh... I really miss Mekkah.

In my profession, I meet people from all walks of life who are undergoing some form of stress or other. They end up in my office because they can't cope anymore. Its not like they never tried to overcome their situation or take control of their stressful circumstances. Most often than not, it stems from an unhealthy body. A healthy mind is easier to attain when the body is healthy as well. We live among all sorts of stress causes. Some are external. These can be avoided and prevented. But the internal ones are almost impossible to run away from.

From my previous entries, its pretty evident that I have been experiencing some severe and chronic pains. And to top it all off, some mental anguish and anxieties as well. This is a typical example of how a body which is in pain causes the brains to go haywire and the nerves to go awry. My spiritual retreat to Penang was exactly what I needed to recover and recuperate. Alhamdulillah, that trip served its purpose.

Upon my return from Penang, I dove straight back to work. Clients in need of help were contacting me left, right and center. I am grateful to be useful and needed. However, my recovery was far from over. I still needed healing and cleansing.

Wounds incurred during my painful moments needed attention. I was lucky enough to have had some wonderfully skilled people help me with that. I am now, indeed, on my road to total recovery.

Some may view the way I cope with my situation as pathetic. How can I be so needy? It couldn't have been THAT bad...? Many were also curious as to what was the true source of my problems. Some not only showed their concern and prayed for my health and recovery, they even offered to help me heal! This is surely Allah's blessings upon me. Maybe He deems that I have gone through enough hardship for now and went on to send me one of His 'angels' to rescue me. Now, I am receiving help from everywhere. Ya Allah! Surely Your Love is so abundant that You literally showered me with Your Love through so many people in my life; some I have yet to meet in person! I am telling you, there are many 'angels' walking on the surface of this planet. We just need to open our hearts and receive.

To all my 'angels'... You know who you are... Thank you so much for being there for me when it matters. May Allah bless you with multiples of the kindness and empathy you have showed me throughout my hell on earth.

Where am I now? After all the terrible things I had to endure, I am still here. Standing tall. Each time I get beaten down, I will get up on my feet and move on. I refuse to play victim here. I am not the one with the survivor identity. I am a hero. I bleed daily for days and weeks on end. And yet, I am still alive! And if that doesn't qualify me to be termed as a hero, I don't know what would.

This is my life. This is my story. I am the main character in this scenario. I may not have had any control over how my life began but I sure as hell have control over how I'm gonna end up in this book. I am a hero. I don't care if no one else sees me as one. What matters is how I see myself. I am a hero because I'm still alive. I am a hero because I am.

"The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are strong at the broken places." -Ernest Hemingway

Food Safari Day

2010-04-12T02:56:00.005+08:00

I woke up today reminiscing about yesteryears. When was the last time I travelled alone? When I was 18, my grandfather sent me away on a tour of Europe, spent many moons living in London and even declared Swansea as my second hometown. Well, that was almost 3 decades ago. (Another proof that time flies when you're having fun!)

After being in this town since Thursday, only today I have come to realize its been quite a while since I last ventured out and been on my own without my husband and children by my side. The traveling I did during my teen years helped me discover myself. And now, I am in this town seeking sanctuary and peace from physical and emotional pain. What does that say about my life? I mean, don't get me wrong. I did not make this trip to get away from my family. In fact, very much to the contrary. I miss them so much that I long to be back home with them. Maybe my life has gotten too complicated of late that I needed to take myself away from it all in order for me to simplify my life and sort things out. Which to chuck. Which to keep. Which to let go.

Today, I decided to venture further than Penang Road. After a hefty lunch of nasi kandar, I took a beca to Little India. I was giggling away like a silly teenage girl! And each time a car or, God forbid, a bus comes too close to the trishaw, I squealed in both horror and excitement! How pathetic, right? This proves how sheltered my life has been all these years, despite my traveling experiences. I was on a scavenger hunt, looking for a ring that was designed more than 30 years ago. And when Little India disappointed my search, I decided to venture further.

The sun was scorching hot and I could feel myself melt like an ice-cream sundae. I hailed a cab and was grateful for the cool air-conditioning in it. Golly gosh! What a relief! I asked the cabby to take me to a huge shopping mall that had just opened in that town. Again, I was disappointed because only a handful of shops had begun its business there. Many lots yet to be filled by retailers. To coax my hunting spirit further, I decided to reward myself with a cool glass of iced coffee and some kopitiam toast.

By the time I was done with it, the sun was beginning to set and I had to rush back to the hotel to perform my maghrib prayers. I made a deal with the cabby to come back for me at 9 pm to take me to Batu Feringghi because he said I could get lucky in my hunt for that ring there. Apparently, along with the many changes that had taken place in this state, Batu Feringghi now has a night market! Cool! Lets go see if I can indeed find my ring there! But unfortunately, all that were sold there were fake branded products, souvenirs and beachwear. Darn it! Now I am hungry again! So, I said to the cabby, "One more stop, sir! Lets go have dinner together. We're going to have some Celor-celor!" And he drove quickly indeed. He must have been as hungry as I was.

Mad, my late soul brother, was the one who first introduced me to celor-celor. Its something like a steamboat but the fishballs, quails eggs and other seafood products were skewered and dipped into a hot pot of boiling water and to be savored with a splash of its uniquely delicious nutty sauce. Perfect ending for an evening out although the ring still eludes me. But not quite. One last stop before the cabby dropped me off at my hotel. Starbucks! A hot decaf Vanilla Latte to be enjoyed while blogging my last entry from my retreat station.

Now, I have to figure out how to pack everything into my luggage! And that's another headache. But I refuse to fret about it. I'm gonna take a warm bath and soak my aching limbs away and crawl into the awaiting comfy bed and dream of seeing my family again tomorrow night. I know for sure I will wake up with a huge grin on my face tomorrow morning. I've been recharged and I am feeling a lot stronger than ever before. I am ready to go home.

Two Nights and Two Nasi Lemak Bungkus Later...

2010-04-11T00:44:00.002+08:00

Wow! How time flies when you're in seclusion.... Hahahahaaa... Yes, I am enjoying the solitude and peace of mind. But my heart keeps flying back to my family back home. I miss hubby and my baby girls...

Falling asleep last night was pretty easy when compared to the many years of struggling with circadian rhythm disorder and anxiety. Although I have to admit that walking up and down Penang Road almost reminded me of Oxford Street of London (NOT!), my sleepiness was contributed by the cough syrup I was taking to get rid of the nagging phlegm in my chest. Nothing serious. Just the ordinary stuff that comes to visit me once in a blue moon.

Right around 5 am, I was awakened by my guardian angel, i guess... to perform my solat tahajjud, did some zikir and waited for subuh to arrive. I planned on going back to bed right after all these prayers and remembrances were done. But my mind had a different plan of its own. So I went on with my zikir and finally fell asleep again after sunrise. With my earplugs in place, I couldn't hear the snoring of the some chinese men next to my room. But I also missed a few phone calls and was late in replying some text messages. Apparently, by the time I looked at my watch, I realized that I had missed breakfast (which is only served until 10.30 am) and so I made a conscious decision to continue sleeping.

The zohor call for prayers from the nearby mosques woke me up from my precious slumber and I quickly said hello to God and told HIm how much I love Him and is grateful for another day to live...and sleep in... ;o) After reading some very interesting and relevant books pertaining to spiritual retreats, I dived deep into the subject matter until asar came. By then, my tummy was literally grumbling really loudly!

So, I scooted off to the mamak joint across the hotel and had two delicious nasi lemak bungkus and a glass of iced tea to wash it down. Wonderful simple pleasures deserving of deep gratitude to Alllah. Later, I took another stroll down Penang Road to do some shopping for my girls. What a great idea to walk off the calories I had just devoured!

It is already 1.02 am here and I can barely keep my eyes open. But because I promised myself to blog my progress and activities during my retreat, I diligently pound away my fingers on the keyboard of my macBook to relate my relatively un-interesting and rather dull day. What am I grateful for today? The nasi lemak bungkus and the sleepiness it has induced in me. Bliss! I can't wait to see what Allah has in store for me tomorrow. I shall end this entry with something I read in a book that resonated within me throughout my day today.

Love of the World
An Islamic tradition attributed to Jesus a.s. states, "The world is a bridge; so pass over it to the next world, but do not try to build on it."
- Purification of the Heart by Hamza Yusuf.

Still I Rise

2010-04-10T01:23:00.001+08:00

Shattered, but I'm not broken
Wounded, but time will heal
Heavy the load, the cross I bear
Lonely the road I trod, I dare
Shaken, but here I stand
Weary, Still I press on
Long are the nights, the tears I cry
Dark are the days, no sun in the sky, yes

Chorus:
Yet still I rise
Never to give up
Never to give in against all odds
Yet still I rise
High above the clouds
At times I feel low
Yet still I rise

Sometimes I'm troubled, but not in despair
Struggling, I make my way through
Trials, they come to make me strong
I must endure, I must hold on

Chorus

Above all my problems
Above all my eyes can see
Knowing God is able to strengthen me
To strengthen me

Yet still I rise
Never to give up
Oh, Never to give in against all odds
Yet still I rise
High above the clouds
At times I feel low
Yet still I
I need to know which way to go
Yet still I
At times I feel low
Yet still I
Oh Oh Oh I rise
Yet still I rise
Oh yes I do, yeah yeah

Smiling Faces and Tears of Closure.

2010-04-10T00:38:00.002+08:00

Alhamdulillah! Gratitude for another day to live. I woke up bright and early, feeling very much rested and refreshed. Washed up and went to have some breakfast. Simple feast that filled a hunger acquired during slumber. Toasts, eggs and coffee. And I was ready to face the day and determined to be as adventurous as possible.

I took the initiative to venture out from the cave of my seclusion. As I stepped out of the hotel and onto the streets, walking down the rows of quaint shop houses, I was greeted with many smiling faces. Its amazing at the amount of honesty a smile of a stranger can give you when you open yourself up for everything that is good and optimistic.

However, being rather 'new' to exploring the town on my own, I was very much surprised to find myself looking at a familiar sign. Line Clear Nasi Kandar! Mad's favourite joint from before. He was the one who introduced that place to my family and me. After fulfilling promises to myself to get all my needs purchased, laden with bags full of goodies, I dawdled slowly to Line Clear to have my very late lunch. A plate of Nasi Kandar, with some fish roe, fish curry gravy, salted eggs and rice. Wonderful! Downed the delicious food with a quench of iced tea. Perfect! Heaven on earth!

Tomorrow is another day. I hope I get to see and experience life again. One day at a time. Ameen!
With a full tummy, I walked back to my hotel to unload my shopping bags and perform my asar prayer, I got ready and waited for my friend Yasmin to come fetch me. She was taking me to visit Mad's grave. I was glad I have the Garmin in my mobile phone so I could mark the location for future return visits.

As I stepped into the mosque, I whispered a salaam to the grave dwellers at the cemetery located behind it. This is Mad's new home. After looking around the grave site, I suddenly realized that I can't seem to remember where Mad was buried just 2 years ago. I called Zubair, Mad's younger brother, frantically asking him for some indication as to where Mad was laid to rest.

Tears rolled down my cheeks as I whispered out to Mad, "Where are you, Mad?" And then, as if on cue, a soft whisper of a breeze caressed my face and in my head, I heard Mad's voice saying, "I'm no longer here, Ana. I am wherever you are, whenever you remember me. You don't have to come here to look for me anymore." I sat on the soil and bawled my heart out. After saying some prayers for the dead, I began talking to Mad. "Mad, I am not well...." Its a hard habit to break... He has always been the one I would tell everything to. And he always knew just the thing to say to make me feel better. I miss him terribly.

After leaving Mad's home, Yasmin took me to Masjid Makbul. It is believed that this mosque is uniquely special. Whatever you ask for in prayer to Allah, He will grant them almost immediately. So, I sat in the mosque and fervently prayed for the well-being of everyone I love and care for. I know He heard me. I know He can and will answer my sincere prayers.

Over all, today has been a wonderfully fulfilling day, although it was laced with a few crying spells. But one thing I know for sure... For as long as I can cry and feel sadness, I am indeed alive. And that in itself is a blessing from Him. Alhamdulillah!

Breathe: Respire to Inspire

2010-04-08T22:51:00.003+08:00

From reading my last few blog entries, it is easy for anyone to guess that I have been through quite a rough patch over the past few weeks. Honestly, to term it as 'rough' is like calling the Atlantic Ocean a puddle of water! And no, I am not exaggerating. Ask anyone who bore witness to what I went through physically, mentally and emotionally.

With the advice of a very old and wise man, I've decided to take a break and go away for a while. Well. Here I am. Yup! I didn't leave my MacBook behind. And my place of lodging MUST have Wifi! Thats a non-negotiable requirement. Not so much for facebooking or surfing the net. But more for blogging my daily progress here in my hideaway while I rest and recuperate from the onslaught of attacks I have been receiving of late.

It was nothing short of a miracle that as I crossed the sea, the pain that has been besieging me the past weeks slowly abated, as if whatever that was causing it fell into the deep blue waters and drowned. As I am writing this entry, I have been able to cleanse myself and perform my prayers... simple acts of love for Him that I have been denied for so long. I can literally feel my soul being fed and nourished again. I am regaining strength with each breath I take in this hideaway. And most important of all, no more pain! Alhamdulillah!

This healing journey has been nothing short of an inspirational one and therefore I've decided to dedicate this blog to my readers who are currently undergoing or facing unfathomable challenges and demons of life. Listen to me: Keep on fighting for who and what you are. You are worthy of love and life. Nothing can take anything away from you unless you allow it. Stay strong even when you feel as if you are down to your last breath. If its time for you to go, then do so with dignity, respect and honor. To give up is the worst form of cowardice. God does not create failures. Failures are events, not individuals.

I can finally hear my own thoughts and feel my own emotions. I am no longer clouded by confusion or haunted by delusional anxiety. I knew those things were not real. I knew I was strong enough to fight them. But I needed to catch my breath and regain composure and stamina. So here I am, doing exactly that.

So, no matter how bad your circumstances are right now, remove yourself from it as soon as possible, take a breather and return to finish the battle. We may not have been the ones to start the fight... but we can surely finish it! I don't know how I will fare upon my return, whether the time away to heal is enough for me to win and stay strong. But I know one thing for sure. I will not take shit lying down anymore. I'm done with all that bull crap! I refuse to go without a fight. They'll have to drag me kicking and screaming my javanese ass off!

I am grateful and thankful to Allah for giving me the inspiration through the lips of a wise man for me to find a solution to my predicament. I am thankful to those who were there to hold on to me when I was in the throes of pain and assault. My beloved husband and soulmate, Jasmene... Yang, I love you for catching my tears in the palm of your hand and wiping my grief away. Jc and Lissa, Mama love both of you with the whole of my life. And everyone else who lent a hand in helping me hang on to my sanity when pain shot through my frail body like a flaming thunderbolt. I am forever indebted to you all and I pray Allah will bless you with multiples of the kindness and empathy you showed me. You know who you are. And I shall respect your need for privacy so I won't mention names.

It almost midnight here now and I am ready to lower my head upon those soft pillows. I am ready to rest and eager to wake up fresh and renewed tomorrow. I look forward to new experiences and am no longer afraid. All I know for sure is Allah truly loves me. And for that, I am honored and grateful.

Just before I close my eyes to welcome dreamland, I shall say a silent prayer for those who are still struggling with their challenges. May Allah grant them the strength to keep fighting and let them win. Hateful people do not deserve to win!

April's Biggest Fool

2010-04-02T04:24:00.003+08:00

I don't know what to believe anymore. I can't even keep track of my thoughts or my emotions. All I know is right now I feel like the biggest fool. I allowed myself to believe I was worthy of love. Once upon a moon, I meant the world to someone. How foolish of me.

Was what I asked for too much to be granted? A little affirmation. Some words of kindness and encouragement. Some attention. A little of your spare time.

I apologize to some of my readers who got alarmed by my last blog entry. That was just a small sample of the anxieties I experience when sleep alludes me for a few nights in a row. I am alright now. I've managed to regain control of that and I am okay. Thank you so much for those of you who sent messages to me and offering to lend an ear. I feel truly blessed with friends like you. Jazakallahu khairan kathiraw.

After coming out of my sleepless stupor, I have realized how stupid I was. Funny how for so many years, I fought hard to hide that from everyone. Deep inside, there has always been a believe that I am less than intelligent. Looks like the masters degree I worked hard at achieving has failed to prevent me from still ending up the biggest fool.

Its easier to believe that I am indeed not worthy of anything good. Simpler to believe that I will never be happy because of my fear. Always waiting for the other shoe to drop from the sky. And so it has happened. The shoe fell right on my head and woke me up from my inane revelry.

But the question now is what am I to do with myself? Do I stay put and do nothing? Do I fight for what I feel I deserve? I can't seem to have it my way. Its always someone else's way. I let others take the helm because I believed other people know what is best. Then how come, right now, I am faced with a stubborn heart that refuses to let go? A mind that refuses to forget a memory.

I don't have anything to hang on to. No one to turn to. I keep it all in. If I open my mouth, I run the risk of being misunderstood. Why is it so hard to meet my basic need for love and acceptance?

I need to go away for a while to sort things out in my head. I pray that by the time I am forced to return due to work commitments, I would have some sort of coping skill to help me ride through this wave. Darn it! I hate emotional roller coaster rides.

I know my place now. I shall keep my distance. You know where to reach me when you have made up your mind as to whether I have a place in your life. I shall also begin planning my life in such a way that I will be okay should I have to end up alone for the rest of my life.

You asked me to trust you and I did. I still do. You say action speaks louder than words. But your actions have left me feeling ignored and avoided. If you have a change of heart, let me know. I will release you from all promises made. No grudges. After all, I knew it from before. I am not worthy. I got it. Now, you see it. Unworthy.

Insignificant Insomniac

2010-03-30T04:45:00.003+08:00

Its that time of the night again, when I find myself wide awake and all alone while everyone else is fast asleep. My anxiety level is probably at its peak right now. Million voices speaking all at once in my head. I can barely hear myself think and its a struggle to keep on composing this blog entry.

I know I am not unique. I have been battling my conditions for years. Anxiety. Circadian rhythm disorder. Chronic fatigue. Recently, I was recommended to read a book about nutrition and how supplements can help me manage my conditions more effectively. Ever since then, I have been religiously taking the recommended supplements and was grateful for the improvements they've brought to my life in general. However, no matter what I do or what I try, nothing seems to stop these voices from prattling on and magnifying even the most trivial of trivialities! To make matters worse, the countless jabs and piercing of invisible needles at various parts of my body has left me feeling spent, drained and ready to give up. I've read somewhere that pain is a great teacher. But please! For God's sake, what in heavens is the lesson?

As I'm typing this sentence, tears are rolling down my face. I feel confused, alone, beaten and defeated. I can't seem to think of any reason why I have to be subjected to such torture. Its been a daily struggle of late. Although pain is nothing new to me, recently, the attacks have begun to escalate and now has reached its maximum level. I am desperate to sleep, for in slumber the pain can't seem to touch me.

Many well intentioned souls have tried to help me by way of advice, tips and assistance in overcoming my conditions. But no one can truly fathom the despair I am feeling right now. I feel torn between giving up and fighting on. For as long as I keep getting up each time they beat me down, they will keep on attacking me from all sides. How do you fight voices and invisible needles poking at will?

I'm at a place where no one ever stays long enough to hold my hand or hold me when spasms of pain wreck through my body. Everyone has things to do, places to go, friends to meet; while I am imprisoned in my own home, too afraid to leave for fear of impending pain attacks.

I don't ever want to be a burden onto anyone, much less to my loved ones. But I need them now more than ever. On days when I get reprieve from these pains, I soar to the sky like a free lark and sing to my heart's content. I am truly a king of sorrow. A king of sorrow.

Oh God, please hear my plea. Heal me of this misery. I know You will. I know You can. Please do it soon. Before I am broken. I have tasted Your love through Your mortals. But is pain the price I have to pay for loving and being loved? I would like to believe I am still needed although I feel the exact opposite. I would like to believe I am relevant although it may be to the contrary. How much longer do I have to suffer just to prove I am worthy of mercy. At the very least, my tears are proof that I am still alive.

In my darkest hour, I turn to You. Please don't turn away from me. Hear my plea. Help me. Heal me. Hold me in Your arms upon my return. You are truly the only one worthy of Love.

5:26 am, Tuesday 30th March, 2010.

A Brand New Ending

2010-03-23T03:34:00.002+08:00

I've stopped reading romantic fiction books more than 13 years ago. The first non-fiction book I was introduced to was The Magic of Thinking Big by David Schwartz. That book might as well had started off with "Dear Johana," at the beginning! Its an understatement to say that book changed my life. That book launched my love for non-fiction books.

The problem with romantic novels is that the readers usually prefer a happy ending. And the effect of such writings are nothing less than disappointments in real life. Women readers feel unfulfilled if their lives lack the beautiful settings and heroes who are nothing less than knights in shining armors, riding gallantly into their sad and pathetic lives to rescue them from loneliness and a life without romantic love affairs that tug their heartstrings. Yes, I am generalizing here. But I have my reasons for this.

As a practicing marriage counselor for more than 15 years, I've noticed a kind of a pattern in the challenges that bring troubled couples into my office. I always believe that infidelity is merely a symptom of a break down in communication between two people. When two people stop talking to each other and making their needs known to their partners, they set themselves up for trouble in paradise.

Couples seek my assistance to help save their marriage. What they've failed to realize is that marriage is merely a piece of paper that states two people have made a vow to stay committed to each other. However, many of them fail to see the difference between a marriage and a relationship! If you don't have a relationship, where you can relate to one another, your marriage has no value.

Many couples would counter my statement by saying that they do indeed communicate with each other but they still lack understanding of one another. This is because they are talking in different 'languages' with each other. One speaks greek while the other speaks german. The currency of love is also different. One defines loving acts as romantic ideals such as intimate dinner for two, flowers, expensive gifts, etc. While the other only knows how to express their loving feelings through thoughtful actions, such as taking out the trash at the end of every night, caring for the children while their tired spouses cooks a meal.

No matter what the issue may be between a couple, the two must be willing to do what is needed to relate to one another. I have seen many couples survive issues such as infidelity, addiction, financial challenges and many more. They each need to communicate their basic needs for loving and being loved, freedom, fun, power and a sense of belonging because these needs are not tangible. Can't be seen by the naked eye. Many women feel their partners should know what their needs are! For God's sake, only a small percentage of human beings are gifted with the ability to read minds!

Although I will be the first to admit that not all marriages can be saved, I also believe that an end of a marriage does not have to mean the end of the relationship. There is no need for animosity between them. The good times they've shared can still remain as beautiful memories than can never be erased. That happiness was real and can be treasured forever.

Hence, this is the major difference between fiction and non-fiction reading materials, One is created from the author's romantic notions of how love should be while the other provides more realistic options. Love is not about ownership. Love is about loving unconditionally. Regardless of the differences in opinions, values and beliefs, two people can continue to love one other without being married to each other.

The usual cycle of a relationship is to fall in love, get married, and as resentment and disappointment set in, they begin to despise their partners and then decide to part ways bearing hatred in their hearts. Why not try another option? When no more stones are left unturned in finding a solution to the challenging differences between each other, just accept and respect and agree to disagree. Acceptance is easy when the desire to control and change others are taken out of the equation.

So, as far as happily ever after is concerned, it is still possible. Yes, happiness is possible. Even if it means parting ways and remaining friends. Having a healthy relationship is far better than staying in a toxic, worthless marriage. The question I pose to everyone is this: How do you measure or define a successful marriage? Is it by the length of it? Or by the quality of the relationship between spouses? We should learn to cut our losses and part ways amicably rather than stay in a marriage when you can't even stand the sight of each other. Think about it.

And yes. I still believe and respect the sanctity of marriage. But I value relationship above all else. Feel free to disagree. After all, this is only my humble point of view. Just make sure that when you say you want to save your marriage, you have a good and valid reason for it and not because society expects you to remain married regardless.

By the way, I am not devaluing romantic novels. They may be good sources of entertainment and mental escapism. But when it comes to your life and relationship with your significant other, please keep it real. After all, we are living in reality, right? Leave the heros and damsels in distress where they belong... In romance novels.

My Silence Is Not My Absence.

2010-03-15T21:51:00.002+08:00

Its been more than a month since my last entry. Too many things had happened in my life until I'm stunned to silence. Less than two weeks after my beloved cousin's untimely death, my great uncle passed away after a very long battle of lung cancer. I'm out of tears. Grieving is a deathly slow process towards recovery.

Apart from the constant migraine which I blamed on too much crying, my stiff neck and shoulders were constantly making their nightly visits. What I termed as my 'nocturnal depression' became more chronic than usual. My internal dialogues were filled with self-doubt and dark thoughts. Nothing seemed to help ease my misery. And then came the diagnosis. I have anxieties. But, don't I have too much on my plate already?

I also found myself avoiding to go out, preferring to stay locked up in my tower, isolating myself from friends and family. My whole body would be besieged by pain. No amount of pain killers nor vitamin supplements seem to work anymore. I knew something was wrong. I needed to see my supervisor again. I need to talk to someone I trust. Off I went to see Dr. Wan Kader.

I sat in his office for a good 3 hours. I was an emotional train wreck! I went home feeling relieved and unburdened. Funny how a kind and caring person with good listening skills can do wonders for your soul. Am I cured? No. I'm well aware that I am work in progress. It takes time to heal. I must allow myself to feel all my emotions when they come.

All through out the time since my last entry, I keep visiting this blog with the hope that I would have something to say. Something worth blogging about. I guess now I have found something to say, finally.

When someone is hurting, they may spit out hurtful words. But the one that remains silent is the one that's hurting the most. So, pay attention to those who are quiet. They are hurting beyond words. You don't need to say anything. Sometimes, a simple hug says it all.

"The most basic and powerful way to connect to another person is to listen. Just listen. Perhaps the most important thing we ever give each other is our attention.... A loving silence often has far more power to heal and to connect than the most well-intentioned words." - Rachel Naomi Remen

Soliloquy in Solitude

2010-02-01T19:59:00.005+08:00

I've made a conscious decision that I need rest. I need to recharge. I need to find the inner peace that I have lost through death and grief. I need to control my tears from flowing at will. I need to heal my broken heart. I need to piece together my spirit. Hamka said a person with many needs is indeed poor. I am.

The pain of loss is indescribable. The hurt of insensitive words of comfort is far more excruciating. "She's in a much better place." "We have to redha." "That's life." These words don't stop the pain in my heart. My tears still well up and rain down my face. I still have her number on my hand phone and am not ready to delete her. Don't think for a moment that I enjoy my grief! It hurts. It hurts. It hurts.

I am tired. I can't close my eyes without seeing her smiling face and hear her laughter. I can't dream without remembering the quiet moments of girl talks we often shared. We had so much in common. The love for music, art, dance, culture, beauty. She was indeed the best of us all. She was almost invisible during family gatherings because the obnoxious and crass relatives stole our attention from her. She was always smiling, non-judgmental, accepting, kind and soft-spoken. She was an angel and the radiance of her beautiful spirit blinded many of us from seeing her as who she really was. Her true purpose only became clear when her light died out. And now, in our darkness of despair and hurt, we see her legacy. Funny how appreciation can be squeezed out of a tomb stone.

Over the past few years, many tragedies and undue mishaps had taken place in my life and upon my own person. I've been taught never to question these so called tests. I accept Allah's will as it is. His will. I read somewhere that people will only change when they have no choice. That is true. Although Allah may have given mankind utter free will, we are still limited by our comfort zones and false beliefs about ourselves and what we think we can and cannot do. Man has walked on the moon. So, tell me why is it so difficult for me to make my heart stop missing Yati? Because the accident may have been a reason to end her life. But not enough to end my love for her.

Yati was indeed very fortunate to have a father who was very much involved in her life. He made sure she never needed for anything. It makes me smile to think that her funeral needs were very well organized and taken care of. The family home was huge enough to accommodate the throngs of people who came to say their final farewell to her. I can only dream of such endings. She was a beautiful angel. She deserved the best.

I count my blessings and utter constant prayer to my grandfather, Wan. Currently, he is struggling with many diseases that plague his frail body. His most precious asset is diminishing too, i.e; his mind. Dementia is indeed very cruel. No matter his condition today, I shall always see him as who he is to me. My 'grand' father. He stepped in and took over looking after the needs of my brothers and I simply because my own father wasn't able to. He may be considered a mean person by others but in my eyes, he is loving, caring and very protective of his loved ones. But you would have to be very close to him to know this soft side of him. He showed it to only a selected few. A father takes care of his family out of the sense of duty, responsibility and love. Wan took care of my brothers and I out of love and sincerity. We were never his responsibility. But he made us his. How can such a man be mean?

Oh, I agree that Wan is more than capable of slugging out a good punch in the gut without having to lift his arm or clench his fist. He's not one who minces his words. However, without his hurtful and challenging words to me, I don't think I'd be where I am today. I may not own much in terms of possessions or wealth. But what Wan taught me was more valuable. Integrity, being respectful and respectable, being charitable, being brave, being logical. There is a big difference between knowledge and wisdom. Same goes with regret and guilt. It's important not to confuse guilt with regret. Guilt results from doing something that we knew was wrong "at the time." Regret comes from later learning that we could have done something better. When we understand the difference between guilt and regret, we can move beyond blaming ourselves for what we didn't know or weren't able to do at the time.

Now, I need to recharge my spirit and focus on my uncle who is struggling to breath, just to continue to live. And although such is the condition he is in, he still has not lost his sense of humor. I have been blessed with so many angels and heroes in my life, may they come in forms of relations or friends, near or far. Only the good die young. I pray to Allah I will be spared from being left behind with the scums at the bottom of the barrel. Because without these insensitive and uncouth people, grief, pain, suffering or hurt would be bearable.

"Give sorrow words. The grief that does not speak whispers the o'er-fraught heart, and bids it break." - William Shakespeare

Blessings Through Time.

2010-01-30T01:24:00.003+08:00

Wow!! Happy 45th birthday, Johana!! Yup. Those are the words I am forcing my brain to repeat ad nauseam. If I sound a tad ungrateful, let me explain why. These are not excuses. These are solid reasons.

Short of 25 days from my 43rd birthday, my soul brother, my beloved Mad, passed away suddenly to a heart attack. I grieved for more than a year. Yes. I loved him very much. Still do. Always will. He's still someone I trust. And recently, short of 5 days from my 45th birthday, my much loved cousin, Aizati Aishah Aziz passed away suddenly from an auto mishap. She was nothing less than an angel in our lives.... well, at least in mine. Although we didn't meet as often as we would've liked to, whenever we did, its like we were never apart. You know what I mean, right...? I haven't enough words to describe these two angels. Mad and Yat. My two angels. They were both Gemini. They were both taken too soon. They both were the kindest and gentlest souls I've ever had the honor of knowing. They both touched my life in such indescribable ways.

Today, as I greet my 45th year on earth, I can't help missing them both. I wish they were still around to keep my life rich and happy. But this life isn't just about me. Its about living. Its about loving. Its about giving. And I had these two angels to teach me how to do it right. Mad's death taught me how to live well and good. Yat's death taught me how to do it with gentle kindness and love.

I am lucky and blessed because I got to see 45. Truly, it is a privilege.

Touched by an Angel

2010-01-26T01:18:00.002+08:00

As We Look Back

As we look back over time
We find ourselves wondering .....
Did we remember to thank you enough
For all you have done for us?
For all the times you were by our sides
To help and support us .....
To celebrate our successes
To understand our problems
And accept our defeats?
Or for teaching us by your example,
The value of hard work, good judgement,
Courage and integrity?
We wonder if we ever thanked you
For the sacrifices you made.
To let us have the very best?
And for the simple things
Like laughter, smiles and times we shared?
If we have forgotten to show our
Gratitude enough for all the things you did,
We're thanking you now.
And we are hoping you knew all along,
How much you meant to us.

I love you, Yati. See you soon.

Aizati Aishah Aziz Bt Abdul Ghani (1.6.1975 - 24.1.2010)
Al Fatihah.

Proof of Love

2010-01-15T02:39:00.004+08:00

Action Speaks Louder Than Words. Lord knows how many times this phrase has been used, misused and abused. And, truly, no one is to be blamed for this. Not everyone expresses their emotions through spoken words. Some do better by acts of love.

Many expect their beloved to say "I love you" frequently. However, if you're a bottomless pit, no amount of romantic words will ever fill you up! There are also those who have specific currencies for love, or at least the value of love. Roses, chocolates, jewelry, romantic dinner dates, expensive trips. Like as if the value of love is attached to the price tags of these so called token of love. Cheh!

Now, I'm not gonna be a hypocrite and say I was never like these shallow people when I was much younger. Heck, when my husband forgot to buy me a Valentine card many years ago, I was so upset beyond apologies until he was forced to call my mom to help me calm down! See!? That's how foolishly shallow I was. Although my logic then was to amass these 'tokens of love' for me to pass down to my children and theirs. Shallow sentimentalist that I was.

However, after being in an authentically happy relationship for more than 20 years, I have grown up to learn that a dipper filled with water by my husband is as wonderful as "I love you" because of the thoughtfulness behind it. Acts of affection took place of words of love.

Can you love someone so much to the point of becoming arrogant enough to think that you know what's best for them? Do you love someone for yourself or for who they truly are? Selfish love versus selfless love.

Over the past few years, I have had the blessings of God to learn about unconditional love. It means to love someone for who they are and not for who you wanna change them to be. We all want unconditional love and acceptance. And yet we attach conditions and terms as to how we are to be loved and shown affection to? Ridiculous, isn't it?

I have learned to love so much to the point of letting them be who they are. Respect the difference and accept their truth. I have learned that love is not enough to bring about happiness. Everyone has the need to be free to be who they really are. Everyone has the right to be loved as who they truly are. Trying to change the other person without changing ourselves is utter egotism. That is not love.

I have also learned to love myself through acceptance and understanding from the significant others in my life They accept me as who and what I am without question. Curiosity yields understanding. Understanding produces acceptance without having the urge to change anything.

When someone does something for you that they've never done before for anyone else, that's love. Even when fatigue overcomes, they don't sigh. They keep smiling and still do it. Anything for love. That is indeed priceless. The recipient of such acts will be made to feel precious!

Proof of love can't be seen with the naked eye. It can only be felt by a sensible heart.

“It is easy to lay claim to love, But the proof of it remains otherwise." - Rumi

The True Definition of a Friend.

2009-12-03T02:42:00.007+08:00

“A friend is someone who understands your past, believes in your future, and accepts you just the way you are.”

As time draws nearer to my 45th year, I find myself looking at what I have in my life. The people who played their roles in my life, significant or otherwise. The catalyst to this train of thought is actually the recent school reunion dinner I attended with many of my friends, some of whom I've known from the time I was just 6 years old. There were also other friends whom I had accumulated over the years through primary school, secondary school, college years, show biz and my (rather late) academic years in the university. Not forgetting, of course, those years in between the cracks, spent abroad.

But somehow, through thick and thin, through sick and sin, the two friends whom I trust my life with are Azlina (we became friends when we were just 6 years old) and Azuar (who was my classmate in Standard 6 and we were 12 years old then). Azlina, or rather Ina, was always the one with brains oozing out of her ears. Its not surprising that she's turned out to be one of the leading breast surgeon in our country and an activist championing breast cancer awareness programs. Azuar, or Wa as we all call her, is equally cranial. I mean, she's an engineer, for God's sake! And although I may have been the late bloomer between the three of us, they never questioned why I am the way I am. Even from before. Unconditional acceptance. They demonstrated this concept to me before I heard of Carl Rogers!

With Ina a.k.a Dr.Azlina Firzah Aziz.

I won't pretend things were always a bed of roses between us. We had our usual falling outs, falling in, keeping our distance and 'lets meet everyday and hang out' seasons. However, I do realize one thing throughout the years when we carried on with our own lives and keeping in touch with each other once in a while: no matter how many new 'friends' I make, they are truly just acquaintances. Nothing more than that. Proof? Whenever I open my mouth to share a problem with them, they clam up, drop the regular words of wisdom (or indifference) and then stay away from me like as if I have a bloody contagious disease! But I have no qualms about that. It just makes me love Ina and Wa a helluva lot more than ever!

With Wa a.k.a Azuar Anuar.

I read a quote on friendship that describes the three of us perfectly:
“Even though we've changed and we're all finding our own place in the world, we all know that when the tears fall or the smile spreads across our face, we'll come to each other because no matter where this crazy world takes us, nothing will ever change so much to the point where we're not all still friends.”

With Gail Ghouse, the telephone mouse! LOL!!

Last but not least, I wanna give a shout out to Gail Ghouse, my classmate since Standard 1. After school, we lost touch with each other when she moved to England to work and start a family there. Recently, she returned home after more than 20 years. And when she did, she found me again. And its like we were never apart. The love, care and concern my friends and I share and give to one another is utterly amazing! And because of these people in my life, even when I only have a few bucks left in my bank account, I feel like a bloody millionaire! God blessed me with friends with hearts of gold. Purely priceless!

“Life is partly what we make it, and partly what it is made by the friends we choose.” - by Tennessee Williams

The Dream That Was.

2009-11-07T02:27:00.004+08:00

Walking up the entrance of the old house, memories of plans and dreams unfulfilled comes gushing through like a floodwater. Pictures of yesteryears pulled at my heartstrings, left me wondering if once upon a time, a long time ago, we were indeed happy and in love. I find myself nearing the end of the road. I can't go on anymore. Not another step. I've come to realize that I have been living in my idealistic mind. I believed myself to see things the way it should be rather than what it really was. And now, I grieve.

How did I come to this? Why couldn't I see things as what they were? Is it wrong to dream and strive to achieve the best I can attain in life and love? After all, my needs are simple. Love. A sense of security. To have someone to take care of me for a change. I am not one who would ask for a diamond ring for my finger, a silk carpet for the living room, a fancy car or expensive holidays. Is it so difficult to give me the things that I need? They don't cost a thing. But your currency of love expressions is the price tags on material things.

You've had your breaks. You've had your chance. You've been given your lot. And you made it clear that only you decide what to do with what is yours. And you did. Now look at the nothingness that's left in your life.

Whatever I have done and given goes unappreciated and ignored. Its never enough. Now, I have nothing left. I gave my everything. You may account your losses in terms of monetary possessions. I gave you my life.

Now I am ready to take it back. I reclaim my life as my own. I don't need anything from you anymore. Once upon a time, you were the perfect one for me. Somehow, along the way, a few years ago, you died. You are no longer you. You are a stranger to me. Someone I no longer recognize.

I may have about a quarter of my life span left. Let me live it the way I want it to be. I'm done doing things your way. I'm broken. I am broken. Let me have what's left of my life to put myself back together again. Who knows who I will become. Because I know, right now, I am no longer the me you knew. Have mercy on me. Let me go.

My Most Precious Ones.

2009-10-20T23:59:00.002+08:00

Its 12:15 am and I'm still awake. I'm away from my babies and I miss them terribly. Its been a while since I last left them for more than an overnight's work trip. I should be resting. I should be focusing on healing my injured shoulder. I truly appreciate the warm hospitality of my hosts, for they treat me as one of their own. But as I close my eyes to allow sleep to overcome my consciousness, my heart aches for my children.

They have always been the most precious and significant souls in my life. Their births made me into a much better human being to begin with. Dear God! My stay away from them is just for three nights. How am I to find the courage to let them go when the time calls for me to set them free? I may be brave. But I am the first to admit that I am NOT the strong one.

To say that I am proud of them is really an understatement. My heart swells with loving pride even when they do the smallest things. They have a wonderful sense of humor, albeit a quirky one; they are intelligent and matured beyond their years, their empathy would shame many adults. Mind you, I'm not saying they are perfect human beings. There's no such a thing. But they are perfect for me.

Being away from them for just one night has made me realize something about myself. All these years, I was a woman carrying out the expectations, responsibilities and duties of a mother. But tonight I finally feel what being a mother truly is. Without my children, I find myself feeling incomplete.

I'm not sure exactly what I have done over the many years of bringing them up but now I know that I must have done something right. Because when I am crying at the end of a trying and tiring day, my daughters will be the ones who will be stroking my back, wiping the tears of my cheeks, gently coaxing me to rest and sleep, while softly ensuring me that I will feel a lot better in the morning. When I am overwhelmed with self-doubt, they point out my strengths and achievements. When I'm unsure of what to wear for an evening out, they will render their services as image consultants and wardrobe managers. They give me the will to push and improve myself so that their future will be brighter than yesterday.

I'll be the first to admit that although I do miss them as babies, I do not miss the sleepless nights, the nappy rashes, the potty training, the first day at school anxieties, the measles and mumps and whatever else that comes with child rearing. However, I know for sure that I will miss them when they go out into the world and need less and less of their mama.

But meanwhile, while they still want a hug from me, I will not be the one to end the hug first. I'll be the best mama I can be for as long as they need me. And when the time comes for them to venture out into the world, I will hope to have enough confidence to believe and trust that I have taught them well enough.

Precious Gift
by Sherri Lawrence

When times seem too hard to bear & I feel like giving up
I vision your beautiful face, the twinkle of your eyes and things of such
The bond we created from my womb to the day you were born
Is a mother and daughter bind that can never be torn
With the strength and guidance of God and the blessings he pours down from above
I want to be the best mom I can be to you and embrace you with all my love
You are as precious as a flower and as gorgeous as a rose
You have been specially made to the very tip of your nose
You are as sweet as honey; such an innocent young child
You are brighter than any star in the sky every time you smile
I want you to be proud of who you are and strive to be the best
Put forth your efforts to achieve your goals and let God do the rest
I will always be your mother first, but I'm also your friend
Your are the most precious gift, that I've ever been given

With All My Love,

Mommy

Jazelia and Jelissa, I love you both very much. Don't worry about making me proud of you. I already am.

I Know You Won't. Anyhow...

2009-10-13T19:26:00.002+08:00

Listen to the song here in my heart
A melody I start but can't complete

Listen to the sound from deep within
It's only beginning to find release

Ohh the time has come for my dreams to be heard
They will not be pushed aside and turned
Into your own, all 'cause you won't listen

[Chorus]
Listen
I am alone at a crossroads
I'm not at home in my own home
And I've tried and tried
To say what's on my mind
You should have known
Now I'm done believing you
You don't know what I'm feeling
I'm more than what
You've made of me
I followed the voice, you gave to me
But now I've gotta find my own
You should have listened

There was someone here inside
Someone I thought had died
So long ago
Oh I'm screaming out
And my dreams will be heard
They will not be pushed Aside or turned
Into your own
All 'cause you won't listen

I don't know where I belong
But I'll be moving on
If you don't, if you won't

Listen to the song here in my heart
A melody I start, but I will complete

Now I am done believing you
You don't know not what I am feeling
I'm more than what you've made of me
I followed the voice you think you gave to me

But now I got to find my own
My own...

Virtual Reality - The Great Escape!

2009-10-07T03:51:00.003+08:00

Its almost 4 am and I'm still awake. The house is quiet, except for the whisperings of the television with no audience. What is keeping me up at this ungodly hour? Obsessive worrying over everything and nothing at the same time. Anxiety over things that are beyond my control. The uncertainty of the near future. The stress of not sleeping during the hours when other mortals are walking through the realms of dreams and restful slumber.

This has been a problem that has plagued me since my early 20s. Must've been my lounge singing days, when its a norm to come home from work in the wee hours of the morning, only falling asleep as the sun comes up and waking up just before noon. Surely, after 15 years of hiatus from my singing career, you would think that I would be cured of such a disorder. Apparently, no amount of child rearing years with the many sleep deprived nights could reform me from a night walker into a daylight lover.

When the internet became easily accessible to almost everyone that can afford a modem, I began using the virtual world as a way to pass my sleepless hours. It helped to ease the anxieties of not feeling sleepy when normalcy expects me to be snoring happily next to my also snoring hubby. Of late, I feel there has been a shift of sort. A tilt of balance. I seem to prefer losing myself to the virtual world rather than live my life in reality. What am I running away from now?

Its not difficult to NOT be sucked into this virtual reality world. After all, with just a push of a button, I can delete or undo any mistakes, typos or errors. Unlike real life. Even if I were to be able to forget my mistakes and bad choices, there will always be voices around me, reminding me constantly of all the wrongs I have done. Pretty soon, my future is predicted based on my past mistakes. As the saying goes, "You do many good things, and no one remembers it. But you make one mistake, and everyone remembers it for the rest of their lives." Sheesh!!

In virtual reality, I can also alter the way I choose to appear in my profiles. I can paste my face on photos of stars. I can adopt their looks and yet retain my lil old face. Bliss! Well, as they say, " When there's no hope, denial is all you have." My denial may be thick. But my need to escape my reality is a lot thicker than that.

Its pretty obvious that I am unhappy. I also realize that talking incessantly about my misery will not make me feel any better. Is this entry my way of trying to explain myself? No. I find it hard to believe anyone would be interested to know the whys, whats and hows that's contributing toward my unhappiness. Consider this entry as a channel for venting out my frustrations. Its also another resource for my psychological well-being. Its my little corner of personal space. To be or not to be me. That is my choice. And I have the privilege to change my mind whenever I feel like it.

I consider myself a very sociable person. I like to hang out with my pals and meet new people and make new friends. That's how I am in reality. However, that is not the case recently. I find myself feeling more and more anti-social of sort. Maybe because I don't feel like sharing my misery with others. Maybe I don't want people to see the unhappiness in my eyes. My unhappiness is about me. I have to bid my time to regain my sense of power, belonging, fun and freedom to be true to myself.

Facebook has been my 'home' since 2 years ago. Its a place for me to reconnect with old friends, keep in touch with family and relatives near and far, make new friends, networking for my business and career promotions and have a virtual life. In Fairyland, I can plant flowers and trees and not have them die on me. I can keep a puppy and a kitten and feed them daily without having to smell and clean their poop. I can run a restaurant rather professionally and not have to worry about labor strike. I can send 'luxury' birthday gifts without spending a single cent. I can fish for sympathy when I needed it. I can share my joy and triumphs with friends and receive motivations and cheers from people whom I have never met because they live on the other side of the world. I can block people who annoy me and disappear from those who I never want to meet again.

So, forgive me if I spend more time online and on Facebook than I do in real life. Life is too painful for me now. With a daily dose of ear bashing and emotional abuse, even the strongest warrior will throw herself into a bottomless abyss. This is how I cope. I may be brave. But I am not strong. Forgive me for my weakness. This doesn't happen often. It usually comes in waves. Most of the time, I am fine. But when the tidal wave hits, the only thing I can hang on to is virtual reality. And for this, I pray fervently that my modem never breaks down or gets hit by lightning.

It only takes one moment of weakness to destroy you for life. So...

The Sparkle That Was Raya...

2009-09-16T01:36:00.002+08:00

The year was 1975. I was 10 years old while my two younger brothers were aged 8 and 1. We were living in Jalan Maarof, Bangsar Park. It was a the eve of Eidil Fitri. The house was a buzz with activities: frantic last minute spring cleaning, putting up the new curtains for the living room, ketupat making and rendang cooking in the kitchen. Mom would be making last minute fittings for the dress she had sewn for me to wear on Raya morning. Dad would be in the back yard, supervising my brothers playing with sparklers. I would join them whenever I could, between helping my mom with all that needed to get done before the crack of dawn.

The sparklers. They bring to mind many memories of my childhood years. They were magical in my eyes. Inspiring awe in me. My brother, Eri and I would spell out our name with the sparklers. Dad would also have those that would shoot little balls of colored flame with parachutes attached to them. He would shoot them skyward and we would watch them come down with our mouths open in amazement. Nahar would shriek with excitement at the wonder of it all. Although far from being storybook perfect, it had its moments that always conjures up happiness and smiles on my face. Nostalgia...

My eyesight is blurring now. Tears of sadness and melancholy. Missing those tiny bits of happy moments. I was 10 then. Now, I'm 44. Raya for 2009 is a few days away but the atmosphere at home is far from what it was back in 1975. No new curtains to hang. No ketupat or rendang to cook. Maybe some last minute frantic spring cleaning. But it has definitely lost its sparkle.

I miss my childhood when things were simpler then. I may have not had autonomy that I have now, but at least I had an illusion of happiness. Oh my poor heart. I can literally feel it breaking. I grieve for the lost joy of Raya. It has never been the same since. It never will be 1975 ever again. I grieve. I grieve.

Little Orphan Spiky

2009-09-10T00:35:00.006+08:00

About a week ago, just as my daughters and I were about to enter our front door with both arms laden with grocery shopping bags, we heard a frantic mewing of a kitten. Quickly, we scanned the surrounding area, only to land our eyes on a little white furry ball, teetering around aimlessly. Lissa immediately went to retrieve the abandoned kitten and took it in. After giving it a good bath and feeding it warm milk, we found that it had cat flu and we took it to the vet on the very next day. When the vet told us that the kitten is a male, we changed its name from Vanilla to Spike. Seven days later, this name has evolved to Spiky.

The last time our house had a feline member of the family, it was also a white tomcat named Salty. He was borne in our house by his mother Bubbles; and he lived with us to his final breath in May 2006. It broke my heart when Salty died. He tried very hard to hang on to us, although his body was already ravaged by illness. I spoke my last words to Salty, telling him how much we love him and that its okay for him to let go. That he will always be in our hearts. Those were my last words to him. And then he died, as if he had gotten the permission he needed to leave us for heaven.

I cried for months. I grieved for years, not wanting to replace Salty with another cat. After a few years had passed, my daughter, Lissa, began begging me for a pet to love and care for. A kitten. And although I said no, I know she quietly prayed for it. Her prayer was answered when Spiky mewed his way into our front door and into our hearts.

Spiky is such a playful and loving kitten. He spends his days and nights eating, drinking milk out of a bottle, playing and romping around, exploring all the dusty nooks and crannies in the house, and sleeping in the crook of our arms, snuggling for warmth and a sense of belonging.

I love to watch Spiky sleep. Sometimes, I'd catch him in deep sleep, jerking his head now and then, probably having a little cat dream. But recently, I noticed he seem to burrow his face into the soft blanket swathing him, making suckling noises with his mouth, with his little forearms out and paws kneading, like as if he's dreaming of snuggling and suckling at its mother's teats. It brought tears to my eyes. I wept like a baby, grieving for his loss. He's missing his mommy. I can feel my heart break for him. Poor little baby.

From that moment on, I decided that I am not going to hold back my love for him. Spiky is not Salty's replacement. But I truly believe Spiky is Salty's way of making us open our hearts to loving again. Spiky gave me the courage to let go of my fears. I have nothing to lose by loving Spiky. I have Spiky's adoring love.

Spiky entered our lives on a Thursday, in the month of Ramadhan. I believe Spiky is Allah's blessing on us.

Not forgetting all the other feline family members of ours, I'd like to take a moment to mention some of their names below:
Scamper
Snowy
Blacky
Ashley
Ginger I
Duchess
Bubbles
Ginger II
Scamper II
Spicy
Sugar
Salty
Coffee
Naboo
Mogwai

We are eternally grateful for the many years of happiness and love they have given to our family. We know they are all in Eden.

I Was A Dancer, Too...

2009-09-03T04:01:00.006+08:00

According to stories about my childhood in my father's memoir, I was dancing before I could walk properly. I guess this explains why I've enjoyed dancing from the earliest of my memories. While I was in school, teachers would find me missing from my desk because I would be on the school stage, dancing and jiving to Michael Jackson songs. When I was 16, I was already well trained in traditional Malay dancing that my experience and knowledge was sought after to teach adults to learn Asyik and Zapin.

As I made my way through college, I would participate in every showcase available to fully take advantage of any opportunity to experience the joy of dancing. While studying in Swansea, I took up Modern Jazz dancing to further learn ways to express my emotions through body movements. All these knowledge and training I had gleaned helped make me into a better performer, as I would rigorously learn all the choreography for the songs that I would sing, wanting to synchronize my movements with my back up dancers. Needless to say, Janet Jackson and Paula Abdul were my idols back then.

It makes me swell with pride to see my daughters have taken on the same interest in dancing and music. They are blessed with both talent and grace of movements that reminds me of my youth. My only regret is that my aging body is no longer as agile or nimble as before. I no longer look good in leotards and tights either... Hahahaa..

Regardless, I am glad I had the opportunity to express myself in more than just one medium. Although my body is not able to bend and spin the way it used to, I still remember vividly how beautiful the feeling was to move to the music and let it take over my body. I would lose myself to the music and movement and ceased to exist. What a feeling!

I was a dancer. I used to dance all night. Dance disciplined my body. I miss it. Very much.

Lesson of Ramadhan Nights.

2009-08-24T00:26:00.002+08:00

Anyone close to me would know how much I love the holy month of Ramadhan. For others, this month represents bazaar feasts of traditional food and cakes, of breakfast invitations, of charity, of shopping for new Raya clothes. For me, it is a month of contemplation, introspection, self-assessment and evaluation, taming of the lowly desires and progression of the soul.

I may have had the privilege of experiencing Ramadhan for 44 times already. However, I only began appreciating it in too few a times. And each time it arrives, my anticipation and expectation grows with the number of gray hair sprouting out on my crowning glory. Given, it is easier to achieve peace of mind when we are left on our own devise without the temptations and seductive whispers of iblis. But then again, not every day is Ramadhan and Ramadhan does not last the whole of our lives. For as long as we breathe, we will desire. And for as long as we desire, peace of mind is far from reach until the object of our desire is attained. Even that is no guarantee. Such is the nature of desire and avarice.

I came across a quote from an old favorite book of mine entitled Essential Sufism and decided that it describes perfectly the emotions I am experiencing at this moment in time:

"At the beginning I was mistaken in four aspects. I sought to remember God, to know Him, to love Him, and to seek Him. When I had come to the end, I saw that He had remembered me before I remembered Him, that His Knowledge of me had preceded my knowledge of Him, His love toward me had existed before my love to Him, and He had sought me before I sought Him."
- Bayazid Bistami

And I lie to myself everyday, believing I have done enough... Yet, He thinks me as worthy of His love and mercy... There's no bigger blessing than that. Somehow, I feel my utter gratitude is like an insult. I bow in humility. I bow in submission. I bow. I surrender.

I Finally Did IT!!

2009-08-18T23:34:00.003+08:00

For those of you who have been following my blog entries over many years, you may be able to recall my blog entry entitled Resilience of the Ice Age Squirrel; how I struggled to keep my courage around me when the obstacles I was facing seemed insurmountable.

Going back to school, paying my own way through university fees while working creatively at earning enough just to keep food on the table and the family afloat was no easy task. Each day I beseeched God for strength and stamina of the soul and mind. He was the only place I lay my head down to cry my heart out and to rest my weary bones. He was the only one who would really hear what was uttered in my heart.

And when I finally succeeded in getting myself qualified to do my Master's Degree, I struggled with my grey matters. I poured out my frustration in my blog entry What's My Name Again?I even questioned my decision to further my studies in the ensuing entry entitled As Time Goes By.

During my academic journey, i discovered a few things about myself which was very enlightening and became my north star and this was mentioned in To Be The Best.

2008 began with the passing of my soul brother. I spent the whole year and a month just struggling to overcome grief. The worst crunch inspired me to write Along The Way.Tears of grief streamed like a river in the rain. Visible but ignored.

When I could apply my knowledge in my healing process, I shared it with my readers in Goodbye 2008. But even that wasn't a sure thing. Early 2009, I found myself still struggling with the loss of Mad in my life. I guess knowledge I had was not enough to heal myself. I knew I needed to keep on going. And I did. Until I found a book that was like light at the end of the tunnel. Doing What I Can Do was the entry I wrote to share the knowledge I learned from a book that my mom bought for me as a birthday gift. Alhamdulillah, through that book, Allah guided me back to emotional balance and psychological stability. I really thought I was gonna lose it.

I am thankful for Mad's prayer for me, that was answered through the presence of A.B.A.H in my life. He shoveled my bottomless pit, listened to me when others turned a deaf ear on me, believed in me during moments of my darkest doubts. He gave me time and attention when even I can't stand myself. He made me feel precious by giving me his precious time. Simple as that. I am eternally thankful to Allah for this gift. Without this gift, I would not have made it through.

Today was my graduation day. I finally made it! Walking up on stage to receive my scroll with my family watching in the audience was the biggest moment of my entire life. 30 years ago, I would never envisioned myself being a University graduate. Now I am a Masters degree holder. And no one can take that away from me. I have finally become ME. I am ready to move on and soar to the sky... embracing the limitless....

It's Happening....

2009-08-13T23:17:00.002+08:00

Ok! I'm sorry I have not been blogging for a few weeks already. But the above is my reason. Yes. I have been busy with work. But I have also been busy doing what gives me joy... singing!

This weekend will be my second consecutive weekend stint at Delucca. Its such a pleasure to perform with talented musicians like Zailan Razak, John Sani, Gigi and Gman. Nope. This wondrous thing has not hit home yet for me. I'm still in a denial of sort. Kinda like an out-of-body experience. Am I happy? Yes. Am I joyful? You betcha!

Gotta keep this entry short. Have loads of lyrics to memorize... again. I am back... to stay!! Alhamdulillah...

Pausing for Benjamin Button.

2009-07-20T02:23:00.002+08:00

I know... I know... I'm a little behind in my movie watching schedule. I've been so busy with work. Giving counseling services, doing talks for government bodies, and singing for my joyous supper. Only yesterday was I given a golden opportunity to watch The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, courtesy of A.B.A.H.

Several quotable quotes from the film stuck in my mind and has been prodding my thoughts and emotions. Such as:

"Along the way you bump into people who make a dent on your life. Some people get struck by lightning. Some are born to sit by a river. Some have an ear for music. Some are artists. Some swim the English Channel. Some know buttons. Some know Shakespeare. Some are mothers. And some people can dance."

"Your life is defined by its opportunities... even the ones you miss."

"It's a funny thing about comin' home. Looks the same, smells the same, feels the same. You'll realize what's changed is you."

"For what it's worth: it's never too late or, in my case, too early to be whoever you want to be. There's no time limit, stop whenever you want. You can change or stay the same, there are no rules to this thing. We can make the best or the worst of it. I hope you make the best of it. And I hope you see things that startle you. I hope you feel things you never felt before. I hope you meet people with a different point of view. I hope you live a life you're proud of. If you find that you're not, I hope you have the strength to start all over again."

"Benjamin, we're meant to lose the people we love. How else would we know how important they are to us?"

"You can be as mad as a mad dog at the way things went. You could swear, curse the fates, but when it comes to the end, you have to let go."

"You never know what's coming for you."

"Everyone feels different about themselves one way or another, but we all goin' the same way."

After the movie ended, these quotes played themselves over and over again in my head. But while I was watching it, several things came to mind. Mad, my late soul brother. My life: how I've lived it so far and how I will be like at the end of it. My own mortality. The significant people in my life.

I understand that there are things in my life that had happened for reasons beyond my logical comprehension. I also realize that no matter how long I wish I can live, I wouldn't want to be a burden onto anyone due to the inevitable failings of an aging body. I wondered if I am capable of letting go. I also wonder what are the things that I will have difficulty letting go.

Bottom line is that I now appreciate life in all its splendor and shortcomings. My consciousness is now drawn to thinking about how my ending is to be. How I want it all to end. Will I leave this life screaming and kicking, resisting death right up till the end? Or will I simply surrender and go peacefully? I don't have the answer to that question yet. However, I do wish for the latter. I want to be able to live my life to the fullest, with the least amount of room for regret and guilt. I want to be looking forward to a better place than where I am now.

Recently, the world had mourned the death of the King of Pop. I've also lost a few friends in the past few months. I wondered if they were ready for it. I wonder if anyone has enough courage to be ready for it. I remember the first time I experienced the term "Peace of Mind" while performing my umrah in Mekkah.

I want to be able to achieve that mental state of mind again. Peace of Mind. I hope by having that, I will be able to let go... more easily, insya Allah. And since right now I am so far away from that, I need to bring all my focus and attention on regaining that state of mind as soon as possible. I'm running out of time. Pretty soon, it will be time for me to let go. Maybe I should practice letting go of things from now on.

A Desperate Search For Strength

2009-06-30T03:53:00.002+08:00

I'm in Penang tonight. Arrived here this afternoon. I'm here to give a talk at a counseling course for a governmental department. Its just a work trip; if it was anywhere else. But its in Penang. And the last time I was here, it was to pay my last respects and say farewell to a very dear old friend. My soul brother. Mohamad Abdul Rahman Zubaidi Al-Hasawi.

The days nearing the date of my trip were filled with anxiety. Will I be okay? Am I really over grieving his demise? All these questions were haunting me like the sound of his laugh and the hilarious jokes he used to crack at the moment we least expected him to.

As I saw Penang Island as the plane approached it, I was still okay. When the plane landed and I made my way towards the airport exit calmly. I waited for my ride to take me to my hotel. After a little unpacking, my friend Yasmin picked me up and took me to Masjid Jelutong, Mad's final resting place.

I made a beeline towards the graveyard situated behind the mosque. And then suddenly I realized I can't remember where his grave was. I called Zubair, Mad's younger brother, to ask him Mad's grave site. Through his description, i found myself standing at where he was laid to rest. I sat down, recited Al-Fatihah for him and all who were buried there. And then I started talking to him.

"Mad, I miss you. I never realized how much you were my pillar of strength until you are gone. Please pray for me. I need strength to move on. I need strength to do what I need to do for my future. Please help me. I feel so alone and weak..." I sobbed years of tears.

In my head, I heard Mad's voice talking to me. Consoling me. Motivating me, Accepting me without question. I heard his laughter. I heard his jokes. I saw his face. I saw him smile...

Yasmin suggested we prayed maghrib at that mosque. I left the place feeling a lot stronger than before. Because Mad's voice in my head stayed with me from then on... "Ana, I am always with you. I never left you. I never can. I never will. Don't ever forget that..."

At 4.33 am, I am still wide awake. The reason for my sleeplessness alludes me. I don't know why. I miss my girls who are at home in KL. I love being in Penang by myself and enjoying the quiet and solitude. But it also pains me that Penang is no longer with Mad there.

Yes. Mad is no longer in Penang. Mad is always with me. Has always been there for me. Only I was too blind to realize that. I've regained my strength, somewhat. I know I have. I just need to remember never to forget him. I had never misplaced my strength. I only forgot I had it. I am strong. I am strong.

Death of a King, Birth of a Legend.

2009-06-27T14:15:00.008+08:00

I was a child of the 70's era. When the great rivalry between the Osmonds and Jackson 5 made headlines in pop magazines such as Tiger Beat and the likes of it. Although Donny Osmond's colgate smile always melted my heart when he sang Puppy Love, it was almost impossible to ignore the extraordinary vocal and dance talent of Jackson 5, especially Michael. Yeah, we were on first names basis back then. At least, that's how it felt like back then...

It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out why Michael's career skyrocketed throughout more than 3 decades while Donny's died a slow death after he married and had children. Michael was focused. He wanted to be the best. But most of all, he wanted to make a difference in the world. And that he did. When he died, the world stood still. His presence was felt in the music world and his absence changed the music scene forever.

When he came to Malaysia for his concert, the locals here got the opportunity to be in the presence of greatness. His talent and charisma touched our hearts and made us cry in awe. No word to describe what he was blessed with. He sang to huge crowds and audiences but always managed to embrace our hearts... Amazing... Truly awesome!

No matter what others may have thought of him, I only had, still have and will continue to maintain only good things of him. I truly believe he was a boy who was forced to grow up so fast that he had no chance at being a child. And when he finally had the means to enjoy his life and have friends like he would have had if he had not been too busy touring and performing with his brothers, he was seen as quirky, weird, strange and perverted. The tragedy was that this man was trying to hard to recapture his lost childhood. He was sincere, straight, innocent... and maybe occasionally naughty... as anyone would expect of a 11 yr old boy. His need for friends was twisted to look abnormal and even sexually perverted. I question the people who fling these false accusations and cruel names. Who is the one with the dirty mind?

Its sad to see how human beings are so skeptical when they are confronted with innocence and sincerity and goodness of a person and yet gullibly believe all the lies and tolerate cruelty, sadistic remarks and wily schemes of opportunists and extortionists.

Here is the proof of Michael's innocence. He died young. He died on a thursday. He died in the month of Rejab. He died barely a year from the date of his conversion to Islam. Only the good die young. As for those who continue to utter cruel remarks and hurtful jokes of a man who no longer can speak up in his own defense, your time will come. Let's see how many people will attend your funeral and cry over your deaths.

Speaking ill of others is a dishonest way of making yourself look good.

Mikaeel Jackson Abdullah. May you be among those who reside by Allah's side.

Unconditional Positive Regard

2009-06-24T02:49:00.004+08:00

Unconditional positive regard, a term coined by the humanist Carl Rogers, is blanket acceptance and support of a person regardless of what the person says or does. Rogers believes that unconditional positive regard is essential to healthy development. People who have not experienced it may come to see themselves in the negative ways that others have made them feel. By providing unconditional positive regard, humanist therapists seek to help their clients accept and take responsibility for themselves. Humanist psychologists believe that by showing the client unconditional positive regard and acceptance, the therapist is providing the best possible conditions for personal growth to the client.

David G. Myers says the following in his Psychology: Eight Edition in Modules:
"People also nurture our growth by being accepting—by offering us what Rogers called unconditional positive regard. This is an attitude of grace, an attitude that values us even knowing our failings. It is a profound relief to drop our pretenses, confess our worst feelings, and discover that we are still accepted. In a good marriage, a close family, or an intimate friendship, we are free to be spontaneous without fearing the loss of others' esteem."

Unconditional positive regard can be facilitated by keeping in mind Carl Rogers’ belief that all people have the internal resources required for personal growth. Rogers' theory encouraged other psychiatrists to suspend judgement, and to listen to a person with an attitude that the client has within himself the ability to change, without actually changing who he is.

The concept of unconditional positive regard also has a simpler meaning outside of the therapist's goal to elicit change. It is the simple act of one individual accepting all traits and behaviors in another individual, as long as is it does not entail causing significant harm to oneself. The key word here is "significant". If one states that "This person's behavior annoys me, and thus is causing me 'significant' harm", then unconditional positive regard is made subject to so many objections that it cannot exist. Thus, finding a person's behavior/beliefs reprehensible when they pose no threat of harm to oneself or others, is incompatible with unconditional positive regard. To treat a flawed individual's otherwise harmless behavior or beliefs as cause to reject the individual's worth, morality and right to merit interaction with oneself, is a violation of the unconditional precept.

- Wikipedia

Now, you may wonder why I have decided to write about this topic, considering the series of previous blog entries I have made over the past few weeks. All will be revealed in good time. Meanwhile, let me begin with my expectations of acceptance and understanding.

The winds of change has begun swirling around me again. Only this time, its just about me and my life. Nothing to do with anything or anyone else. But being a mortal that comes with relatives and relations, its only fair for me to expect some kind of understanding, acceptance or at the very least, a tad of empathy for what challenges me in my daily life. When I say I can't take it anymore, please believe me. After all, no one knew of my years of silent suffering and patience for I had not allowed a single squeal escape my lips. I also had not asked for assistance or support from any of the significant people in my life who are called my family. Until now.

When I called to open up to you, you promised that we will talk soon. But when the time arrived, I felt really let down. I did not receive the acceptance, understanding nor support that I need most at this present moment. Don't bother offering it to me now. I don't need it from you anymore. Once bitten, twice shy.

Stop and listen to what you are saying. Do you realize who it is you're preaching to? I am not ignorant nor deaf. I am not unlearned nor incapable of logical reasoning. Have you checked the facts that you've adopted as your pillar of truth? Funny how you can be so understanding, sympathetic and empathic to others but not to those of your own blood. Really weird.

Please believe me. Please let me do my own growing up and maturing. I am no longer 4 year old. Forty years has passed since. Please see me as an adult that you are as well. I will have your perspective on life when I reach your age. But meanwhile, what I have is all that I have to work with. When I know better, I will do better.

Now, after a long journey of self-acceptance and years of struggling self-doubt, I need to rely on myself. I realize now that I can't rely on anyone else. I don't need blessings or permission from anyone to fight for what I believe is crucial in ensuring my past mistakes and bad choices will not be a part of my future. Forgive me if you don't understand why I appear distant. Please do not take it personally if I stop asking for your opinion or thought on what I need to do. Excuse me if I cease to care anymore. I need to focus on my own recovery now. You've lived your life. This is mine. I need to do it my way. I know what is best for me. Only I know the ins and outs of my life. No one else does. This is why only I can do this. I need to do this.

You may deem my decision as a mistake in the making. But I am no longer afraid to make mistakes. I've learned a lot from all the mistakes I have made in my past. No regrets. No regrets. Only lessons and maturity, I have earned, through tears and heartache.

This is who I am. This is what I am. This is what I need to do. Accept it. Or else just shut up and walk away. I'll be ok. I'm a student of life, with God as my Teacher. I have lots to gain and nothing left to lose. So be it.

A Mother's Love

2009-06-15T01:12:00.008+08:00

Mak and me.

Allah is my Creator, but my mom gave birth to me. She endured pain and discomfort, just to deliver me safely and made sure I was as perfect as can be. She fed me, bathed me, clothed me, showered me with love and tender touches that only a baby would recognize it's mother.

It wasn't easy for mak to be the best mother in the world. Her own birth mother died at a very young age, leaving my mom at the age of barely 3 years old, with a little brother, at the hands of two extremes. Her maternal grandparents were too relaxed in their approach to caring for my mom while her paternal grandparents were too strict. Growing up with an emotionally distant father and a jealous stepmother must have been very painful for her. But that somehow, did not make her bitter... That is my mother. She may not have been the touchy feely type of mom, but she did her level best to show her love for my brothers and I in other ways. Regardless, we felt loved and cared for. We never doubted that we were her top priorities.

I've seen her sacrifices. I've witnessed her undying devotion to protecting her offsprings. Bringing up three children single-handedly must have been very challenging for her, especially during those days when divorcees were treated like second class citizens. She smiled in public and cried in private. We were her closest confidantes. She knew she could trust we would never judge her.

Throughout all the trials and ordeals that rained on her, nothing pained her more than to see others hurt her beloved children. She becomes the fearless lioness that guards and protects her cubs from predators and opportunists alike. She thought nothing of pawning her fine jewelry just to make sure there's enough food on the table during tough times.

When I became a mother to my children, I looked to her for guidance, tips and cues. I remember when I was in labour with my second daughter, Jelissa; my mom was at my side, holding my hand to lend me her strength. I looked to her and asked her to forgive me for all the sins I may have done unto her unintentionally. I realized then how hard it is to be a mother, tougher still to be a good one at that. My plea for forgiveness made her cry.... She stroked my forehead and said there's nothing to forgive.

Nothing can ever sever the ties that bind between a mother and her children. No amount of medals or awards can replace the pride and honor of being a mother. Now that I have my two precious daughters, Jazelia and Jelissa; I understand that its a no brainer. A mother would die for her children, give up her life for the health and happiness of her beloved babies. It wouldn't even be considered an effort even, what more a sacrifice.

I learned how to be a mother from my mother. I hope I can pass down this wisdom and experience to my babies who are growing beautifully by the day, becoming confident, stylish, intelligent and virtuous women to be respected and admired.

With my baby who first called me Mama: Jazelia Jasmene

With my final and precious baby: Jelissa Jasmene

Ya Allah, please protect my babies from harm and hurt. Guide them to your path until they reach their home in Your Presence. Fill their hearts with sincerity, love, compassion, kindness, and strength of faith. Furnish their minds with intelligence, wit and spiritual knowledge and understanding. Allow them to be as successful as any women of faith can be. Provide for them the opportunity to be of great service to You. Forgive them their sins and transgressions. They are as pure and innocent as You first blessed me with them. When my time is up, I know You will have them in Your best care; for You are The Most Loving and Most Merciful. Ameen.

Star Trek Romance: Imzadi

2009-06-12T19:54:00.006+08:00

My recently renewed interest in Star Trek and everything associated with it has somehow restored my original belief in the concept of soulmate that eventually evolved to smellmate. Through A.B.A.H, I was introduced to the term Imzadi. When I googled it, I found an astounding list of links and an abundance of Trekkie tradition and knowledge.

The definition of Imzadi:
1. Imzadi is star trekese for your ultimate soulmate. It is used when you and your lover connect in every single way, beyond our physical realem.
2. In the Star Trek universe Imzadi is a Betazoid word that translates roughly into "Beloved". It basically means someone who is very dear to you; a soulmate. It is also used as a term of endearment.
The most famous usage, of course, was between that of Counslor Deanna Troi and Lt. Cmd. William Riker on Star Trek: TNG.
3. The name of Ami's black and white female housecat.
"You are my heart and soul, Imzadi, and I shall love you forever," she whispered, tears in her eyes.

Below are some more of my findings:

"Imzadi, What does it mean? Well it has several meanings. The surface level is simply 'beloved' or 'dear one' But when used with certain people, under certain circumstances.... well you need to know the further nuance to it to understand its full meaning......... It means....the first. You see the concept of Imzadi goes beyond the physical....... To be Imzadi is to go far deeper than that. Don't you understand, Will? Other women may have had your body......but I'm the first who's ever touched your soul."

"He called out, as he had called out in hopelessness and despair for year upon year of desolation. And the answer came. Whether it was from within him, or whether it came from somewhere out there in the galaxy, from someone who was the better part of all that he was, he couldn't be sure. But it was there just the same. Tears came to his eyes as he heard, in his head, the words that he had waited half a lifetime to hear. Sweet and musical, in a voice filled with promise. And the words were: Welcome home.....Imzadi."

(excerpts from Peter David's novel "Imzadi")

"Do you think when we get away from here, my feelings about her will change?" "Your feelings about her have not changed in all the years I have known you. This planet just let them out for some... fresh air."

-Riker & Worf "ST: Insurrection"

Here is a video that I feel is an apt tribute to my renewed belief in true love.

Once Upon A Daddy's Little Princess

2009-06-11T01:27:00.003+08:00

Once upon a time, I was daddy's little princess. Just like all the other little girls in the whole wide world, my father had the super hero abilities to amuse and make me laugh until tears of utter joy moisten my eyelashes. I had him around my tiny little finger tips. And he, in turn, had my heart. I wanted to grow up and marry someone just like Dad.

As I grew up, my reliance and expectations of him increased exponentially. In my eyes, he was perfect. Strong, funny, reliable, trustworthy, understanding and protective. Everything a young girl could ever ask for in a father. Everything any woman would want in a man. I fashioned my ideal man according to my father's virtues.

And then, one day, my world collapsed. Everything around me fell apart. Everything inside me died. Betrayal from the person I least I expected to violate my trust. I became the reason for all failure. I became the informant. I became the source of all accusations and blame. My voice was too small to be heard. Adults never listen. They just turned their ill-based assumptions into a pillar of dogma. Unshakeable. Irrefutable. End of story.

My wish came true. I married a man who fits the very description of my father, perfectly. Happy ever after, right? That's what I thought. Until the rose colored glasses I was seeing the world through broke into a million tiny shards; leaving me with bare vision of the ugly reality of my life. The imperfection of man. Smashed idealistic denials. Stripped to the bone to bare naked pretense. All the while, I was busy picking up the little tiny shards of perfections and idealism, trying desperately to piece them together as my very sanity relies on this effort.

I had to be punched across my face by someone, who has no place in my life to begin with, in order for me to grow up. That day, I became an adult. In the midst of my 44th age. Does this mean I have been childlike in my thinking? Or just denying the truth in order to maintain some kind of normalcy in my cognitive processes. To just pretend, even for just a little longer, that I am still the precious little daddy's princess.

I called out to my hero. I believed that he would rescue me from harm and apprehend my attacker. But then, instead, he just turned on his heels and walked out the door, leaving me wounded and alone. I heard what sounded like shattering glass. Only it wasn't glass that was broken. It was my heart. It was abandoned. But the abandonment didn't happen on that day. In fact, it happened 30 years ago. When he walked out and left my brothers and I with just broken and empty promises. And because my childhood wish was granted, I found myself being married to someone who is exactly like my father.

So here I am. Finally did my growing up at 44. Life has not been a cruel teacher to me. Life left me many signs to read and learn. It was I who stubbornly chose to only see what I wanted to. Believe only what I needed to believe. Deny everything else that wasn't consistent with my ideals. But now, I see things and people as who, what and how they really are. I don't care so much for the whys of it. That will only open a jar of excuses and more lies to justify the original sin.

I am no longer daddy's little princess. I was never a princess. Once upon a time, I had a daddy. But now, all I see is the shadow of an exiting father. No one else is left for me to rely on except for myself. I need to be my own super hero. I need to have super powers. I have two precious little princesses of my own. I have to be there for them. I want to never let them down. I want them to trust me that I am reliable and dependable. Should I ever find myself depleted of strength and stamina, I shall lean on my pillar of dogma and hold on fast to my responsibilities.

This is what I learned on my own. I CAN mould and shape myself in order to show my precious princesses how they can be strong and able as well. We can only rely on ourselves. Others may disappoint us. There is no such thing as a perfect parent, except in the eyes of a 2 year old child. Fortunately enough. She's all grown up now. No more room for lies and denial. She sees it all clearly now. For the first time in her life.

Happy birthday to me. I'm 44 years old and I was born 2 weeks ago. Congratulate me. I can see clearly now. What a world! What an ugly world...

True Lies

2009-06-06T04:44:00.005+08:00

I've been brought up with certain values and beliefs, reflected precisely by the quotes below:

"The most common lie is that which one lies to himself; lying to others is relatively an exception." -Hietzsche

"Truth exists, only falsehood has to be invented." -Georges Braque

"It is better to be defeated on principle than to win on lies." -Arthur Calwell

I have accepted the givens in life: No one is honest all the time. No one is loyal all the time. No one is loving all the time. No one is anything all the time. But lately, the evident lies that had been uttered with or without my knowledge has begun to irk me to a point where I find myself depleted of tolerance.

I believe that I have conducted and behaved myself with the best integrity and honesty as I can truly muster. I've dedicated my life to helping others sincerely, without expecting anything in return. If I can't do something sincerely, then I'd rather do nothing all together. This holds true even in my speech and expression. Unconditional acceptance has been taught and ingrained in me by my training as a counseling psychologist.

But when the lies people tell themselves in their heads everyday begin to hurt me physically, mentally and emotionally, that is when I decided that enough is enough. I mean, although we are all encouraged to practice patience and tolerance towards others, how do we know where to draw the line that separates us from being a person of high integrity and tolerance to an enabler for others who choose falsehood over truth?

I understand that people lie to themselves in order to keep uncomfortable cognitive and emotional pain at bay. I mean, no one can stand to live with themselves if they can't like themselves at the very least. But when the lies they choose to live by are acted upon and used to assign blame and accusations to others, we need to stand up, state what we would and would not stand by, and just walk away. Some of these lies are the root cause to murders and personality disorders.

For those who have never had a chance for introspection, a moment of tranquil silence to evaluate their beliefs and the opportunity to differentiate between what truly is and what is fabrication of the dark side of their creative minds would make a huge impact on their perspective on life and reality.

Although at this point in time, I have wounds of hurt to heal from betrayal and lies uttered about me, I'm ready to move on. Sticks and stones may break my bones, but hard words cannot hurt me forever. I may reel from the punches of false accusations. I may trip and fall as I stumble upon lies and falsehood built up against me. I may have had no choice in being a victim for one moment. But I refuse to prolong that torment for ever.

"There has already been published by the bucketfuls such brazen lies and utter fictions about me that I would long since have gone to my grave if I had let myself pay attention to that." -Albert Einstein.

When My Own Words Fail, Music Fills In The Gap.

2009-05-17T23:34:00.002+08:00

THIS TOO SHALL PASS
In the middle of the turbulence surrounding you
These trying times that are so hard to endure
In the middle of what seems to be your darkest hour
Hold fast your heart and be assured

This too shall pass
Like every night that's come before it
He'll never give you more than you can bear
This too shall pass
So in this thought be comforted
It's in His Hands
This too shall pass

The Father knows the tears you cry before they fall
He feels your pain, His heart and yours are one
The Father knows that sorrow's heavy chains are strong
But with His strength, you'll overcome

This too shall pass
Like every night that's come before it
He'll never give you more than you can bear
This too shall pass
So in this thought be comforted
It's in His Hands
This too shall pass

So set your eyes upon the mountain
And lift your hands up to the sky
And let His arms of love surround you
And take you to the other side

This too shall pass
Like every night that's come before it
He'll never give you more than you can bear
This too shall pass
So in this thought be comforted
It's in His Hands
This too shall pass...

Open Up My Heart: A Prayer...

2009-05-17T23:18:00.002+08:00

Alone in a room,
It's just me and You.
I feel so lost, cause I don't know what to do.
Now what if I choose,
The wrong thing to do.
I'm so afraid, afraid of disappointing You.

(Chorus)
So I need to talk to You, and ask You for Your guidance.
Especially today, when my world is so cloudy.
Guide me until I'm sure, I'll open up my heart.

My hopes and dreams,
Are fading fast.
I'm all burned out,
And I don't think my strength is gonna last.
So I'm crying out, crying out to You ooooohhhhh
Lord I know that You're the only one, who is able to pull me through.

Repeat Chorus

Show me how, to do things Your way,
Don't wanna make the same mistakes,
Over and over again.
Your will be done, and I'll be the one.
To make sure that it's carried out and in me I don't want any doubt

That's why I wanna talk to You, yes I do
And ask You for Your guidance.
Especially this day,
When my world seems so cloudy,
Lord guide me until I'm sure
I open up my heart...

The More Loving One: A Tribute to W.H. Auden

2009-05-16T02:11:00.003+08:00

I had the pleasure of finally watching "Four Weddings and a Funeral", a movie that I had always wanted to see but never had the opportunity or right timing to catch in on Astro. Finally today, I sat through the film and discovered there was a lesson in it for me. The following scene sparked my interest in the works of W.H. Auden:

The above poem tweaked my curiosity to find more of Auden's work. I found the poem below:

The More Loving One
by W. H. Auden

Looking up at the stars, I know quite well
That, for all they care, I can go to hell,
But on earth indifference is the least
We have to dread from man or beast.

How should we like it were stars to burn
With a passion for us we could not return?
If equal affection cannot be,
Let the more loving one be me.

Admirer as I think I am
Of stars that do not give a damn,
I cannot, now I see them, say
I missed one terribly all day.

Were all stars to disappear or die,
I should learn to look at an empty sky
And feel its total dark sublime,
Though this might take me a little time.

______________________________________________

These words resonated within my soul and I was baffled by the mysterious reason for it. Why had his words move me to tears? I've never heard of his name until it was mentioned in that movie. And yet, I feel he spoke words out of my own lonely heart.

Am I at fault for my current circumstances? If I had been more loving, the more loving one; would that have sufficed in making my life better than it is now? Are my expectations of those whom I have invested emotionally been unrealistic? Have my unawareness made me blind to my own personal faults and shortcomings?

If the only solution to my situation and challenges is just by being the more loving one, will things improve? Or is the size of my ego has blinded me to the very object that should be my focus in point?

Maybe I am jaded and just too discouraged. Maybe this poem came to my knowledge a little too late. Do I want to be the more loving one? Yes. But only to those who deserve it. No more wasting time on people who don't appreciate me. No more waiting around for people who keep on taking me for granted. I need to focus on me. Because my children need me. As far as they are concerned, I am the more loving one.

In Search of the Pure Love

2009-05-13T00:58:00.006+08:00

Mothers Day wasn't much of a celebration for me. Unfortunately, I was down with fever and all I could muster was just enough energy to send a text message to my mom to convey my love for her and my gratitude in having her love in my life.

With a wet towel wrapped around my head to keep my fever down, I chatted with a couple of friends online. Suddenly, as if on cue, the topic of the chat swerved to talking about our emotional needs and the possibilities of having our needs met perfectly. This got me thinking about what had happened over the past few weeks.

In my previous entries, from the time when I first began blogging, I have never mentioned my first love until about 3 entries ago. And due to the big havoc that came as a result of paranoia and ignorance of certain quarters, I had to practically slaughter my 'creative writing' to mere skeletal version of what it was originally. My intention was to pay tribute to first love. Puppy love. I've realized now that puppy is love is not pure love. Pure love can never be found there.

I believe that as human beings, from the moment we were born, we have been in search for that pure love. Presumably, the term Pure Love is defined differently by each individual. However, I truly believe that it boils down to the first love we experienced and received when we first looked into our mothers' eyes and have that knowing feeling everything is going to be okay. We feel accepted and loved unconditionally. We feel cared for and precious. And we have never ceased, from then on, in our search for that very same love in another human other than those we call family. We look for it in choosing our life partners.

Our experience with puppy love is our initial introduction to how it feels like to be loved by someone other than our parents and immediate family members. Some may never get over that experience and fantasize about making something which is temporary in nature into something more permanent. Big mistake! Lessons in life is not meant to be made to be life. Lessons teach us about ourselves and how we can learn from our bad choices and mistakes and turn it into something that will benefit us in our future experience.

Life is complicated. Simply because it involves interacting with other people. Therein, lie the elements of uncertainty and risk. Life is a gamble. We won't know the exact consequences of our choices until we've made them. We can speculate. We can try to predict the future. We can even ask trusted friends and confidantes for their opinions and views. But, alas, we have to live our own lives. No one can do it for us. And that means taking risks and gambling with the odds of success or failure in everything we do.

Our hearts know what it needs. We may not know how to articulate it perfectly, but when we see what fits the criteria, our hearts will guide us, drawing us close to those who have the qualities we need in order to fulfill our gaping void within our souls.

Sometimes, we can't help but feel impatient or flustered when things don't work out according to our expectations. We might even feel discouraged and give up our search, quietly trying to shove aside our emotional needs with a silent hope that life will spring us a surprise and we will be fulfilled and live happily ever after.

But, is it realistic to expect someone else to love us the way our mothers do? Is there anyone out there who is capable of giving that kind of love? Are we capable of giving unconditional and pure love? For it ceases to be unconditional when we expect to be loved in return, much in the way we have given it.

I remember the time when my mother's love made me feel precious, appreciated, accepted and valued unconditionally. Regardless of whether I behave well or not, my mother's love never fell short of the first love she gave me the first time I was handed to her in her arms, with my umbilical cord still attached. And although I believed that I have indeed found my soul mate 20 years ago and have been married to him for a good 18 years, why am I still searching for that love in every face that seem familiar to me? Is it not enough? Why is it not enough? What has changed?

I have changed. In the beginning, I was the precious one. And then came my little brother. My first friend. Later, my youngest brother joined our posse. The preciousness became less and less. I began to look outside of my family circle and into my social circle.

That need to feel loved and precious. Is it a bad thing? Is it part of my ego? My pride? Or is it just something that is organic in nature. Just the pure need to feel connected and understood. To feel loved and taken care of. To feel secure.

I noticed the difference in the look in my eyes in two photographs. One when I was less than a year old; and the other as a grown woman. I can see the sense of security in my one year old eyes. Something that is starkly lacking in my grown up eyes. Where did I lose my sense of security? When did I lose it? Is there any way I can retrieve it? Or do I need to search for a new source of loving security that I feel I sorely need now?

Maybe, some might deem me as being ridiculous. Still searching for security and love at an age where I am already a mother of two teenage daughters? What the hell is going on? Mid life crisis or menopausal? But here is where the skeptics have failed to see. I need to find means and ways to fulfill my own emotional needs in order for my daughters to grow up emotionally functional and independent. Am I looking to be an emotionally independent adult? Yes. But life is a lot more wonderful when you can share it with someone who is equally, if not more, emotionally fulfilled and independent as you.

I have come to a conclusion that in my journey called life, there will be times when I feel my needs are fulfilled and I find myself no longer needing to continue searching. But as life goes on and I evolve, my needs go through a form of transformation of sort. New levels of emotional needs will arise and I am not able to disregard or ignore it. And so, my search continues. I don't know where its going to lead me. But I know I can't be in the same place and expect new things to come rolling onto my lap. I have to keep moving on. Evolution is a very holistic experience. Not just an emotional one. In the name of love. In the name of love.

Quotes:

“Love is supreme and unconditional; like is nice but limited.”
- Duke Ellington

“The ultimate lesson all of us have to learn is unconditional love, which includes not only others but ourselves as well.”
- Elisabeth Kubler-Ross

"Love at first sight is easy to understand; it's when two people have been looking at each other for a lifetime that it becomes a miracle."
- Amy Tan

"If you have love in your life it can make up for a great many things you lack. If you don't have it, no matter what else there is, it's not enough."
- Ann Landers

Poem by Bertrand Russell
Three passions have governed my life:
The longings for love, the search for knowledge,
And unbearable pity for the suffering of [humankind].

Love brings ecstasy and relieves loneliness.
In the union of love I have seen
In a mystic miniature the prefiguring vision
Of the heavens that saints and poets have imagined.

With equal passion I have sought knowledge.
I have wished to understand the hearts of [people].
I have wished to know why the stars shine.

Love and knowledge led upwards to the heavens,
But always pity brought me back to earth;
Cries of pain reverberated in my heart
Of children in famine, of victims tortured
And of old people left helpless.
I long to alleviate the evil, but I cannot,
And I too suffer.

This has been my life; I found it worth living.

Star Trek: The Confessions of Miss Spock.

2009-05-10T00:27:00.008+08:00

A few nights ago, I was invited by a few friends to go watch the Star Trek movie. All the hard core trekkies have been waiting for this movie for the whole of their lives. I submit an evidence to prove this assumption: the fellow trekkie who was seated next to me felt really nervous as the movie began, claiming that his heart was pounding in his ears. All my trekkie friends were nervous because they were afraid of disappointments. Their expectations were..., well... expectedly sky high! I whispered to my trekkie friend, "Leave all expectations outside the door. Watch this movie with an open mind." Poor souls. And then I asked myself this question, "Aren't I excited too? Am I a trekkie as well? Where do I stand in all this huge excitement?" Let me take you back to my earliest memory. My childhood.

Presenting to you little Miss Spock! Yup! That was what I was dubbed by my dad and everyone else around me. Hey! I had no say in being blessed with Vulcan ears, ok? Yeah.. yeah... Laugh all you want. But contrary to what others would expect me to react, I actually felt special. I could relate to that man in the Star Trek series on TV called Mr. Spock.

Back in those days, there were only two TV channels. TV1 and TV2. All the programs were still in black and white. Among the few foreign series that were aired back then were Voyage to the Bottom of the Sea, Andy WIliams Show and, of course, Star Trek. Sometimes, I'd ponder for a while and arch my right eyebrow (the way Mr. Spock would do) and wonder if my dad was really my father. Hmm... But alas, as I grew up and got to know my older relatives, I realized that I had inherited the Vulcan ears from my maternal great grandfathers. Lucky for my mom, it skipped a generation. But neither of my girls got the Vulcan ears. Bummer! I really wanted them to be little Vulcans, too.

Anyway, going back to my Star Trek movie treat, I must admit that it felt.... it felt.... familiar! Yes! Just like going home to your parents' house and finding things that would conjure up memories of childhood happiness. The bliss of naivety and innocence. Although I can't really consider myself a hard core trekkie like my movie pals that night, because I don't have that much knowledge and understanding of the whole Star Trek world as all trekkies do, I found myself being reminded of things that I used to know and had taken for granted. However, having myself surrounded by trekkies that night, I was never short of explanations for all the other queries I had. I also couldn't help comparing the original Spock with the new one.

The highlight of that movie, for me, personally, is seeing Leonard Nimoy as Ambassador Spock. The image of the aged Spock brought tears to my eyes. Its like seeing a very familiar and much loved relative who has aged after not seeing them for so long. And as the movie neared its end, I couldn't help but feel a tremendous wave of sadness... that maybe this movie will be the last time Leonard Nimoy will play the role as Spock.

I fought my tears as I heard Leonard Nimoy's voice, narrating the famous opening lines at the end of the movie:
"Space: The final frontier
These are the voyages of the Starship, Enterprise
Its 5 year mission
To explore strange new worlds
To seek out new life and new civilizations
To boldly go where no man has gone before".

Hmmm... One teeny weeny self-observation. I must be a half breed Vulcan, just like Spock. Although I am very capable of being logical, I do sometimes find myself emotionally compromised. A.B.A.H believes that I'm half Vulcan and half Romulan. Maybe he's right, at times. Like when my nocturnal depression kicks in late at nights. But mostly, I believe I am just like Spock. Half Vulcan, half human.

A private message to daddy Spock: I love you. You will always be with me... and thank God for my Vulcan ears.

"After a time, you may find that having is not so pleasing a thing, after all, as wanting. It is not logical, but it is often true."
- Spock in 'Amok Time'

My Light Bulb Moment.

2009-05-07T17:57:00.004+08:00

Someone's status update on Facebook gave me a light bulb moment. This is the quote that was cited,

“Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.” ~ Dr. Seuss

The string of comments that came as a response to that quote was nothing less than astounding!
"How did u know I needed to hear this today?"
"just discussed this issue with my Chairman, he said you must say what you feel..."
"U r not alone. I feel the same too! N yes ppl do get upset n feel offended.... U know what, now I know n realise the meaning of true friendship. Thanks for sharing. I love it!"

The above made me realize that I am not the only one with this issue today! Is it a universal problem? Well, it may not be right up there with global warming, but an issue is still an issue. Isn't it...?

Dr. Seuss also said, “Today you are You, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is Youer than You.” And to think that I almost allowed someone to dictate who I am and what I say. I take full accountability for that. But I refuse to apologize for sharing things about my life and experiences. Yes, in my journey through life, I come across and interact with people. Yes, people. With names and faces. If they were significant at the moment that I am writing, I will mention name. What is wrong with that?

It has come to my understanding that some people made a big deal out of it just because their names were mentioned and their photos were posted here. Again, Dr. Seuss's quote applies. Those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.

Here's my light bulb moment: You don't matter to me anymore. No more tears because my intentions were misconstrued. As Dr. Seuss said, “Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened.”

So, goodbye to You. You are my past. You were never a part of my present. Now, I can embrace my current and my future.

To Blog Or Not To Blog: That Is The Question.

2009-05-07T01:50:00.008+08:00

Definition of a Blog: a shared on-line journal where people can post diary entries about their personal experiences and hobbies.

FOREWORD BY GEORGE SAND

"Yes, my dear kind doctor, writing a journal implies that one has ceased to think of the future and has decided to live wholly in the present. It is an announcement to fate that you expect nothing more. It is an assertion that you take each day as it comes and make no connection between today and other days. Writing a journal means that facing your ocean you are afraid to swim across it, so you attempt to drink it drop by drop. It means that you count the last leaves of a tree whose trunk has lost its sap.

When you are in the mood to write a journal the passions have cooled, or else they have so far frozen that they may be examined as safely as ice-bound mountains are explored in the season when no avalanches fall. No one should allow himself to solidify to this extent unless he is in a state of such upheaval that all the fires of his being are in danger of eruption. Then indeed it may be necessary to harden the outer crust in order to check the explosion and save the inner flame from becoming extinct."

_______________________________________________________

"Telling the truth when we feel vulnerable is one of the hardest things to do. We might fear rejection, abandonment, disapproval, disappointment, rage, hurt, or just the raw exposure that's an unavoidable part of the process. Yet almost every time we're willing to tell a hard truth, we grow and deepen in presence, no matter the response. The energy that we previously locked up to maintain a false front is now freed to uplift and enliven us."

- From How Now: 100 Ways to Celebrate the Present Moment, by Raphael Cushnir.

"We judge others by their behavior. We judge ourselves by our intentions".

- Ian Percy

"If you desire to live such that your religion is safe and your portion is full and your honor is sound, guard your tongue and never mention another's faults remembering that you yourself have faults and others have tongues. Watch your eye. Should it ever reveal to you the faults of others, say to it, "Oh my eye, other people have eyes too."

- Final page of Purification of the Heart.